I started talking to Jen yesterday about my Yoga entry. She mentioned what a great/terrible feeling it is being in a situation where you KNOW you can't laugh out loud which makes the urge to laugh even worse. It really is one of those wonderful/disastrous situations. Wonsastrous.
I started thinking about more of those situations I'd been in and then a terrible memory popped in my head. It's probably not something that happened solely to me, but it makes me feel shitty when I think about it. I laughed on 9/11. I got overwhelmed and when the towers fell, I laughed. And here's something else you'll want to judge me for... my ex-fiance was IN THE BUILDING. Yep. I'm a terrible human.
(he lived. and then I broke his heart! yay! i rule!)
I was walking to meet a friend for lunch yesterday and while standing, waiting to cross the street, a woman started to step out in traffic early and almost got hit by a car. Very close. And in my head (because I'm sick) I imagined her stepping out and instead of safely moving out of the way, she got smashed into. And the image was so real in my mind (because who hasn't seen that on tv) that the same urge started to come over me. The urge to laugh.
This isn't "Holy shit that's fuuuuuunny!" laughter, I'm sure you realize. This is "I'm too overwhelmed to properly deal with this!" laughter.
This is a terrible attribute to have, you guys!
I was able to cover my laughter up to look like crying when I was standing next to my ex's mother the moment we thought he was dead forever. (Dead forever? Not just for a little while?) But what if... ok so what if I lose my arms at some point in my life? I'm stuck in another terrible situation where everyone else is screaming and crying and I start to laugh uncontrollably and I have no arms to cover my face!? Then what!?
Please, someone else out there tell me that you've been in the same situation.
And that's all. For today. Maybe.
Try not to judge too hard.