Tuesday, April 24, 2007



Oh! Hi! Oh!

Eliza and I headed to Oberlin, OH this past weekend (by way of Cleveland! Hooray Cleveland!) for an Improv Conference I Eat Pandas was asked to participate in. Even though I had a cold (which I've now sadly given to Eliza cuz we totes shared a drink, y'all. Jealous?) it was a jam-packed weekend full of adventures out the wazoo!

Let's start by saying I have now done karaoke in almost every single destination I've visited.

LA - check!
San Fran - check!
Mexico - check!
Chicago - check!
London - check!
Oberlin, Ohio - double check!

I actually had the thought on Saturday night that there was probably no way we were going to be able to karaoke in Oberlin because it was such a small town. I mean seriously you guys there were like 3 places to choose from to eat breakfast and one of them had salmon napkins and fake flowers and was located in the lobby of our hotel. (We ate at the Black River cafe our last morning there and DAMN was that place good. Highly recommended!) So we'd been out and had a few beers and I was fading fast due in part to my cold and in part to the bananas dreams I'd had the night before that kept me up but I'll be damned if, upon walking into our hotel and seeing the bar there had karaoke, I didn't perk right up! It wasn't even a question. Like, it actually would have been funny if Eliza and I had said to each other, "do you want to go?" With E and me karaoke is NEVER a question. We had Travis and his lovely wife Melissa with us and they gladly came along to cheer us on. The bar featured a bunch of booths with middle American suburban types and some true characters. My favorite was the 70-year-old man, cowboy hat and all, who sang The Way by Fastball. I know you have no idea what that song is but I swear you do because it was played on the radio in the 90s nearly every 15 minutes. iTunes it so you can hear it and imagine a 70-year-old man (don't forget his cowboy hat) singing this song with a STRONG twang. It was A. Door. A. Bull. Then there was the musical theatre wannabe who sang every song (I Will Survive, some Celine Dion bullcrap and some other technoey sounding song) as if it were a number straight out of Oklahoma. Loved her. Oh and then there was the "thug" who had the BEST made up thug walk I've ever seen. He was a white dude with curly, triangle hair, a wife beater and tats and he sang Paint It Black or something like that. Oh man he was my favorite. Someone tapped him on the shoulder (one of his friends) and he turned around as if he was going to jack their shit UP. God they were all just my favorites and as I told Eliza, we couldn't have cast that shit better if we tried. I sang a rousing rendition of "So Emotional" by WhitWhit and "Alone" by Heart and Eliza sang "Steve McQueen" by Sheryl Crow and "We Built This City on Rock n' Roll" which really does have some of the shittiest lyrics around. "Knee deep in the hoopla"?? Come on dudes... who uses "hoopla" in a song unless you dress in a huge purple elephant costume and carry a banjo?

So karaoke was a blast. Check that off my list, y'all!

Then there was the college party. My first! I never went to college (which came up a lot this weekend - raise the roof!) so I've never really been to a college party! I was very excited and Eliza helped prep me by saying "the carpet will be gross and there will be pubic hair all over the toilet and we'll drink really cheap beer" (or something like that). I could not WAIT. (Sadly, I'm serious.) See, ever since I hit 28 (and proceeded to get into a bar fight) I've been feeling very old. I know, right you guys? I don't look old!! Right!? But seriously, I feel it. Nothing like the most immature act ever to make you feel ancient. So anyway, I felt like the good old college party would give me that jolt of youth I needed! I guess it did? Kinda? I mean it was fun but also kind of weird because we were (as gross as this is about to sound) "the musical improv girls! omgomg!" and it was kinda hard to chill out. Oh god I'm so gross. Sorry, guys. Anyway, I did drink some Pabst AND I peed in a college party toilet! Hollaah! Eliza recounted a hilarious tale on her blog about me saving her from certain doom by lying through my teeth. Check that shit out.

College party. CHECK!!

We did some work while we were there, too, don't get it twisted. We did a show (standing O! Hootiehooo!!) and taught 3, count them THREE, workshops!

My favorite part of traveling with Eliza is hotel room TV because we both get so jazzed to watch Law & Order or any show with the words "Worlds" "Funniest" or "Pets" in them. On Friday night we get back to our hotel room and I turn on the tv while E's in the bathroom. My lucky stars I turn it on right as Intervention is starting and I squeal, "ELIZA GET OUT HERE INTERVENTION IS ON!" She bolts from the bathroom, I turn out the lights and we were captivated. And then we both fell asleep before we could find out if the 4-star chef went to rehab and was rehabilitated. We both kinda lost hope after seeing he'd been in rehab 13 times. Anyone know how it turned out?

And that was my weekend in Ohio. Oberlin is such an adorable school, everyone was AMAZINGLY sweet and we made friends with the other improv troupes (The Neutrino Project's Chicago cast and a lovely group from Austin, TX called Coldtown). I think we can call this trip a smashing success!



Sunday, April 15, 2007

The KO Kid

Let's get something straight right from the start, you guys. You mess with my friends and I'ma THROW DOWN. This has been seen in many incarnations. First there was the karaoke night where some dude had the other mic and was singing Eliza's song along with her but loud, drunk and rude.


I shot up out of my seat, stormed across the bar, GRABBED the mic from his hand and said, "no!" I then let Eliza finish the rocking out SOLO.

Then there was the I Eat Pandas benefit concert we had (to benefit ourselves, natch) at Galapagos in Brooklyn. We had a myriad of performers one of which was the hilarious BH of BeepBoop.org. He was doing his set and a dude back at the bar started heckling him.


I shot up out of my chair, stormed across the bar and told him to shut the eff up (or something equally as eloquent) and did he? Yes he did and Birch completed his set UNINTERRUPTED.

There have been other instances I'm sure I'm forgetting and even the Flickr incident of a few days ago, but I really took it to a new level Saturday night.

First, and this does have something to do with the story I promise, I shot something during the day on Saturday where I had to have fake nails. Fake French tips which looked nice but just aren't my style. I also couldn't do shit because I bite my nails down to the nubs. So anyway, I had fake nails Saturday. Let's just put that out there.

So I finished with the shoot at 6pm, met my sister for dinner at 7 and then got a text from Carrie about meeting up for a drink. I was exhausted from running around all day and not getting good sleep the night before but faaaaar be it for me to pass up a drink, right guys? In all honesty I thought to myself, "you should go home" but I never listen to that little voice. Sorry, Oprah!

So anyway, we went to one of my favorite places King's Head Tavern on 14th. We hung out for a while and my sister went home and then two more friends took off so eventually it was just me and Carrie.

We're laughing, we're drinking but we're not drunk and it's turning out to be a good night. At one point we're outside and when we come back to the bar there's a girl sitting in my seat. No biggie... I ask her very politely if I can have my seat back. She moves, no incident, and Carrie and I sit down. Carrie picks up her drink to take a sip and the bitch grabs the drink out of her hand and says, "That's MY drink!" I look at her and say no it's not and grab it back. I mean that wasn't her drink! So she looks at us and at this point it's clear that she is BLITZED and she grabs the drink back AGAIN. Hooooo better step off! So I grabbed it back, she grabbed it again and spills it all over the bar.

And here's where there were two roads I could have gone down. One road had a rickity old roller coaster made out of hotdogs and tape and the other had a field made out of pillows and fat grandma hugs. Which road do we want to guess Glennis chose?


So I stand up, look her in the face and say, "Bitch... I will FUCKING kill you" and without missing a beat she GRABS MY HAIR. HARD.

I mean she pulled my hair! I know it probably wasn't, but it FELT like the back of my head was up against my back. It was that hard. So I mean, come on guys... what am I gonna do? Just stand there and let the ho take & spill Carrie's drink and pull my hair?? Fuck no. So I pull back with every ounce of my strength! We're locked in a true Springer moment and in my mind I'm like "fuck... I need to take her out. I have never fought before... what do I do? Holy shit I can't believe this is happening!!"

Now I mentioned the nails earlier because I'm pulling on her hair and I'm also thinking "I'm going to rip these nails off my fingers. That is NOT GOOD." So in all honesty I was probably not fighting back as hard as I could in order to spare my sweet, delicate fingies.

The bouncer FINALLY comes over to break it up after what seems like an hour of Flava of Love Charm School and I'm in paaaain. I felt like I had whiplash a little bit. The bouncer yells at both of us, "You're Both Out of Here! Now!" And immediately Carrie and I start defending my honor. I didn't do shit! Well, except tell her I was gonna kill her. But he was hearing none of it and I just knew for sure I was going to be booted. Then, the drunk asshole goes, "He pulled my hair!" and points to the bouncer. Wow. She was not only living in wrong world, she was President. So he looks at me and says "Go stand over there, Glennis" and I go with Carrie and my chair and he kicks miss classy out of the bar and from that point on in the night I'm known as the "KO Kid."

The bartender later told me that she was probing the bar with her other hand to try to find something to smash on my head, you guys! Never had I seen someone that angry and belligerent while drinking. The bouncer said she was outside laying on the street crying while her friend stood over her. I felt bad but come on. Bitch pulled my hair!

Funniest part of the night was that she had this shittastick necklace on which was some sort of metal rope thing all twisted in the front like a pretzel. After the fight Carrie says to me, "Glennis I know you're upset but can you ask Auntie Annie if I can get a pretzel necklace with salt?" I lost it. We were laughing so hard. Thank god for humor, right guys!?

So that's my weekend. Am I proud of what I did? Not really. I mean I'm glad I stuck up for myself and jesus christ it wasn't cool at all that she kept taking Carrie's drink, but I should have known to keep my fat, stupid mouth shut. You hang out in bars and you're bound to have drunk people around you. I could have been really hurt and who the fuck knows what people might do when provoked.

All that being said...

I fucking rock.

Have a great day and please let's try not to follow in my footsteps, shall we? (And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.)


Glennis "Scrappy" McMurray

PS - Seriously bitches. Don't mess with my friends. I disowned someone I knew because she said it was gross Liz was eating a stuffed pretzel as she was eating it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

It's My Birthday!


Yes, that's right. Yours truly, Little Miss Foul-Mouth herself is 28 years old! That's almost 30! Woooowee, you guys!

Jesus christ it's 2am and I'm still awake.


Birthdays for me are like Christmas for kids. On crack. And ice cream. Seriously I love birthdays. Your birthday is YOUR DAY. There are 365 days in the year and only one of them is all yours...why not celebrate the shit out of it?! YOU are amazing and YOU are worth celebrating. Wouldn't YOU agree?

I heard on the news that it's going to be crummy outside tomorrow.


The other day I was standing in the subway with my headphones on. A woman stopped to ask me something. Why do people do that when you have headphones on? It happens ALL THE TIME. I am just now remembering this after telling my friend Jenny that I never get stopped because I put my NYer face on. I guess when I'm listening to music I drop the snarl.
So she comes over to me and says something and I can't hear her, of course, so I take one bud out of my ear and say, "what?" and she repeats herself...

Her: Where is the chocolate?
Me: (That can't be what she said) What?
Her: Where is the CHOCOLATE?
Me: (OMG I'm losing my mind. Is she really saying chocolate?) I'm sorry...one more time?
ME: I am not from here.

She walks away and I look over and see the gray "S" and go "ooooooh. THE SHUTTLE."

Guys, "shuttle" doesn't sound anything like "chocolate."

I'm retarded.


Have a great day because, after all... yep you guessed it.


Glennis "Princess Birthday Girl" McMurray

I'm 4.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

My Body Never Knew Such Pleasure

Taking a page from the blog-o-Allocco I've started looking up music videos for songs I'm obsessed with. It just adds that certain something, don't you think? Like a finger up the pooper during sex? (Sorry mom...)

Now if you've spoken to me in the past few days I've probably asked you this question:

"Do you know the male part to 'All Cried Out'?"

I've been met with "I've never heard of that song," "I know it but not well" and "get the hell out of my way tardo."


God dammit watch the video right now.

Now... if there is someone who knows the male part to this song or is willing to learn it for the purposes of karaoke... EMAIL ME NOW.

I came home today after just having talked to my poor daddy on the phone and was super depressed. I walked in my room and saw my roommate left me a birthday present. I STARTED CRYING! I was so touched and also kinda tired but so so touched! So I'm sitting here on my computer and I decide I need to look up that music video. That the music video for a song I love will surely make me feel better. And you know what? It didn't. I mean it made me sadder, guys. Is that even possible? Lisa Lisa's annoying, nasally voice can make someone SADDER??

So I started chatting with Lynn and ask her the question I've asked everyone (except now that I say it I might not have asked Liz and she, of all my friends, would know this song! She is a pop culture WHIZ! So, Liz the Whiz... DO YOU KNOW IT!?) and Lynn doesn't know it but she listens to the song and even buys it on iTunes at my insistence and then she shows me what might be the most amazing thing I've ever seen with my two perfect eyes. (seriously, my vision is way awesome)

I'm pretty sure everyone and their mom has seen these vids but I haven't and it made me SQUEEL. Please... PLEASE... if you've never watched a single video on my blog stop what you are doing and watch these.

I give you:

The Charlotte Church Show

I call this one: "Thr out togetu brtr do wht u cn."

I call this one: "Dolly Parton just killed herself."

And this final one I call, what else: "They're crying because you WON'T SHUT UP."

Jesus christ! These are GOLD. Charlotte Church you are a first class douchebag. Summerey Summer Fresh with a tube comin' out yer crotch.

I feel SO much better. This is almost as good as the video of Jessica Simpson singing Jewel.

I hope this made your day, too.



Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Kick-Ass Tunes

I'm just catching up on some of my pal's blogs and the lovely and SUPER talented SJ Alloco posted this video of Carrie Underwood's single "Before He Cheats" and damned if I don't love that song now. Damned if I didn't use my final free song download (last of 50 that I got from my credit card points... thank you INNYC card! All I had to do was go deep in debt!) to purchase that song. Damned if I'm not listening to that song right now!

I grew up listening to country. It's in my bones. I love it. I ain't gonna deny it either. "Friends in Low Places" comes on and DAMNED if I'm not drawlin' right along.

Add this to the list of songs I can not stop listening to lately. No, they're not all country but they're all great:

1. Let's Call It Off (Girl Talk Remix) - Peter Bjorn and John
2. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
3. The Perfect Crime - The Decemberists
4. Say It Right - Nelly Furtado
5. Glamorous - Fergie (Thanks to miss Kate Spencer for this one!)
6. Who Killed It? - Nas
7. Can't Forget About You - Nas

God how great is Arcade Fire. It took me this long to listen to them! Sometimes I gotta wait until I've listened to everything else in my ipod 500 times before I can allow new music into my ears. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, it felt good to listen to a ridiculous, country, kick-ass song. So thank you, SJ. Hilarious.

And I leave you with the conversation I heard from the dressing room at American Apparel between two sales-chicks.

Chick #1 - I am so bad at reading stuff out loud.
Chick #2 - Maybe you just overthink it and get nervous.
Chick #1 - Yeah. I'm a really nervous person.
Chick #1 - Don't you wish we had a trampoline here?

Have a great night.



PS - If you were on the receiving end of my Evite disaster today I apologize. Evite has seen the last of me. I'm starting a new website called Ecanyoucomeorwhat.com. Stay tuned.

Can't Get Enough

Hey guys!

Here's some more of me if you CAN'T GET ENOUGH! Eliza and I break down the lyrics to the Perfect Strangers theme on AOL's "The DL" here. Enjoy!

(Wait for the ad to finish playing then click on #2 - Perfect Strangers.)



Sunday, April 08, 2007

Am I a Lesbian?

Just a thought.

Oh yeah, Happy Easter, assholes.



(I might still be drunk from last night because I'm finding this post HILARIOUS.)

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Future Me

Holy crap you guys. Last night something weird happened. I mean, I realize it didn't ACTUALLY happen but... well, just listen.

Ok so I'm doing the Made Up Musical at the Magnet last night just as I do every Friday night. When I walk in John O'D says to me "Glennis... I thought you were in Mexico this week" to which I'm like what? What are you talking about? I went like a month ago! (How I wish I WAS in Mexico this week... sigh) So we figure out that it must have been a miscommunication because I accidentally sent out a mailing list email (want to be on my mailing list? yeahyado! click here, bitches.) that was from like a month ago.. ANYWAY long story. So he misread it and thought I was gone and asked two peeps to play that night for the MUM show. No problem, we all do the show, including the two new peeps, and everything's fine.

Now, if you haven't seen the show, when we go out on stage we usually stand against the back wall while John O'D interviews someone from the audience about where they grew up and that becomes the basis on which our musical is created. So he asked last night "anyone grow up anywhere interesting?" and a dude raises his hand and the house lights come up and the dude starts talking about his home town.

I'm standing next to Eliza and we both at the same time kinda notice this girl sitting in that same row, but about 5 seats away, covering her face. It's one of those "oh god I'm so embarrassed he's talking" face covers but she's so far away I'm not sure she knows him. I'm not sure how it came up but I think Eliza said something about her being a relative or being "me" from another dimension and then I said, "oh my god you're right! She's me from the future!" and Eliza says, "and she can't show her face because of the space/time continuum! And she's here but didn't think YOU'D be here because everyone thought you were going to be in Mexico!"

I mean we're whispering this to each other, staring at her, while we're on stage in front of an audience and John is interviewing someone. Assholes.

But here's the thing... she looked like me. It was fucking CREEPY. Before the show started I looked out into the audience because there was no one in the booth and they were taking a long time to bring us out to start the show. So I looked out and I kinda scanned the audience and said "oh look, there's Kate and Mike!" and then looked a little further to the right and in my head I said, "that girl looks like my sister" except she looked nothing like Kelsey, she looked like me. It was weird but I kinda dismissed it and then they started the show.

So we're back to me and Eliza talking on stage and we were like "holy crap!" and then we did the show and I kinda forgot about it.

After the show we're all at the Triple Crown and Tara (who's in the show with us) says to me, "Hey Glennis... did you have any friends in the audience?" and I said, "yeah, my friend Kate and her boyfriend" and then I ask why and then Tara says "cuz there was a girl out there that looked EXACTLY LIKE YOU" and then Becky Drysdale (who was one of the people who sat in on our show) says, "yeah! Jean and I had a show before the Made Up Musical and we both saw her out there and thought she was you which was why I thought it was strange that you acted like you hadn't just seen our show when I saw you."


Both Eliza and I go "OH MY GOD YES! WE SAW HER!" and then went on and on.

On my MySpace profile where it says "Who I'd Like To Meet" I write "My doppelgänger" so I think this is probably as close as I'm going to get.

Unless, you know, it really WAS me from the future. But why the hell am I back here!? What could my possible mission be!? Oh my god, guys...how great is this!?

Also, it should be noted that should I come face to face with my doppelgänger or my future me the meeting would look something like this:

Just warning you, future me.



Friday, April 06, 2007

Hip Hop Is Alive

And so am I.

I realize my posts have been less frequent and you can, as usual, thank my job for that. Any mention of blogging in that office and fireworks shoot from their poopers! Poor blogs... they get such a bad rap. They're just trying to let us express ourselves!! Fuck. Also, blogging at home sucks. I have better things to do like play Justin Timberlake and dance around in my underwear. Start the fantasyyyyyyyyNOW.

Any hip hop fans out there? Can we please discuss how great Nas' album "Hip Hop is Dead" is? Please? I got the album when it came out but had to wait until the right time to listen to it. The right time was the past 3 days because honestly I have been listening to it NON-STOP. My favorite song (they're all great) is "Who Killed It?" Is that Nas rapping? Does anyone know? It doesn't sound like him and god...it's SO fucking great. -WELL WHAT DO YA SHEAY?- But I swear to god no one will agree with me. It's just my weird music sense... don't ever hire me to be a record exec, I swear to god. People would be like SERIOUSLY?? You're fired.

My 10-year reunion is coming up in August. I think I'm excited. I'm really not quite sure why yet. What do I think will happen? It will probably be awkward as fuck until the booze starts flowing. Thank god for booze, right?

I had such a glamorous life today. I woke up at 11am, took a long shower, did a voice-over audition, visited Carrie at work (and got a free soda - whatwhat!?), met Kate for her birthday lunch at Pastis, had a LONG leisurely lunch (with wine, thank you very much), accompanied her to her cousin's apartment to walk Luca the Chihuahua then sat at an outdoor cafe and had two Hoegaardens as Luca sat on Kate's shoulder. Silly pup. Now I'm home for a bit then doing a show at 10. Both Kate and I agreed this was the kind of day trust-fund babies must have every day. More like trust-FUN, am I right guys!?

Shit. That's all I have to say! I'm such an asshole.

Have a great night!



PS - I have an awesome new show/project coming up. Stay tuned!! :)

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Read It, DumDum!

Oh my god, you guys. Did you know that there are about a million "For Dummies" books out there? Well now, thanks to an impromptu shopping trip to Barnes & Noble on Sunday (after some delicious noodles at Republic with compadre among compadres, Marcy... ew that sentence sounded really boojie) where I was looking for something on starting a business (for DDPP - I know it sounds ridiculous but in the back of my mind I just know we can make something of this little engine). There was a whole table of the books near the business section and the first one I spotted was "Relationships for Dummies."

I of course picked it up and said to Marcy, "har har! I need this!" ...then slipped it in my jacket. I WON'T BE CAUGHT BUYING THAT BOOK. (I'm, of course, kidding. Shoplifting is bad when you get caught and I'm not cool enough not to, though it should be stated that I approve of getting just about anything for free except herpes which should always be paid for.) So after seeing that book I found one on Small Business Marketing which seemed to suit my needs and started to head downstairs to pay when Marcy starts laughing. I rush over to where she's standing and we find this book.

Storms a-brewin!

Amazing. Bipolar Disorder for Dummies. AMAZING! Then, right next to it, I spotted this book:

"Don't take this personally but you don't sound like you know what the fuck you're talking about... mind me asking where you went to school to become a Psychologist?"

I think I'm going to write one called "Karaoke for Dummies" which will include the tips:

* Don't sing a song you only know the chorus to.
* Don't sing Total Eclipse of the Heart because no one will ever sing it better than Glennis. (You don't know GlennisSHUTUP.)
* No one wants to hear you sing Dido no matter how much you "sound like her".
* End big.
* Sell it!
* Two words: O TOWN.

I'm half-way there!

Moving on...

My lovely and wonderful friend Jen is doing a project where, every day for an entire year, she does something that she's never done. That is AMAZING and awesome, you guys! I photographed her and Liz skipping a city block the other day (I was still too tired and sick to participate in the skipping) which was adorable but I've got to say, nothing is more adorable than what she posted on Monday. MAYBE a hamster riding a unicorn. MAYBE that is cuter. I SAID MAYBE.

Final note: I'm eating baby carrots in an attempt to keep from eating baby snickers and I gotta say... nah-so-goo.

Have a great day!



Sunday, April 01, 2007

Big Cup of Crazy!

Today I had the first meeting/readthru for what might be the best show of all time. Jem & The Holograms live and on stage and live for your faces with me as Jem/Jerrica singing and dancing and fighting Pizzaz and the Misfits! (Working Title) Seriously it's going to be so FUUUUCKING awesome. But anyway, today we had a meeting and after, Liz, Jen, Amanda and I decided to go get some coffee from the Starbucks around the corner.

We walk in and the girls set their stuff down at the counter near the front door to save our places. I get my coffee but then Liz notices two people getting up from a table nearby with 4 chairs so we gather up our stuff and walk over to get that table. On a chair at the table sat a plastic Payless bag. Wondering if the people who'd just left might have mistakenly forgotten the bag, I looked inside. It was filled with newspapers so I gingerly picked up the back, contemplated taking it to the trash but then decided they might come back for it so I set it on the floor next to our table. Everyone got their coffee and we sat down to discuss the awesomeness that Jem will be.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman walk over toward our table. She was totally normal looking. She had brown hair, nice makeup on, very nice clothes...she really was put together. She stops, looks around, picks the Payless bag up off the floor then looks at Amanda and says, "You didn't have to PUT MY BAG ON THE FLOOR!!" Seriously...she yelled. Amanda was all yo bitch step off cuz I don't know what the frriiiig you're talking about so she's all, "I didn't!" and I look at the lady and I'm all yo step off, "I put it on the floor. Sorry, I thought it was trash."

HOHOHOOOOOOO that set her off.

"Trash! You thought it was trash! THE NEW YORK TIMES! YOU THINK THE NEW YORK TIMES IS TRASH!!"

And I was all UH!

And she was all PSSSHHHH!

And then I looked at her and I said, "it's a plastic bag with newspaper in it... I thought it was someone's trash. SORRY." And she holds up a Sephora bag and says, "Would you have thrown this SEPHORA bag away if it had been sitting on the chair??" and I said, "If it had been FILLED WITH TRASH!!" Biiiiitch, please.

So then Crazy walks away and stands in line again to get her drink and I'm all, "WHAT THE EFF GUYS, RIGHT??" to the ladies at the table and they're all GUUUURL What. The. Eff. Highfives.

Then I look at Amanda and make sure crazy can hear me and I say, "She is crazy!" and she hears me and storms over and says "I am not crazy... SOCIETY is crazy. No one talks to each other anymore! We're all emailing and connected to a computer! SOCIETY IS CRAZY!" And I'm looking at Liz with my back to the lady and I'm like WHHHAAAT?!

So I turn to crazy and I say, "Go away now, crazy! Time to go away! Shoo! And byyyy the waaaay you should NOT drink coffee. You need to bring it down. Drop it in. Do some yoga. You are way too uptight. AND YOU ARE CRAZY. STOP TALKING AND GO AWAY." And Amanda's all "it doesn't even matter! Just relax!" And the lady is like "I DO YOGA!" and then she steps back in line.

THEN SHE COMES BACK and this time she's spouting something else and Liz gets UP OUT OF HER CHAIR and goes "do you want to sit down!?! HERE! SIT DOWN!! WE'RE SORRRRRYYYYYY!" Literally yells at her and I am seriously giving Liz the highest high five of all time in my head it was that awesome and all the time this is happening poor Jen is sitting there going "what is going on!?" because she was not there for the initial interaction and thought, when she walked over from buying a delicious Starbucks fruit/cheese plate, we were talking to a friend. A friend called Crazy.

So after Liz yells "SORRY!" at her she goes, "Thank you. That's all I wanted."

WHAT THE...!!!

OhHOHO but it's not over yet. She sits at a table behind us and for the rest of our Starbucks break she's pretty quiet. I noticed Liz keeping an eye on her throughout (should she, you know, pull out a knife and shove it in my head or something Liz would karate chop it out of her hand... we got each other's backs like that) but she kept to herself, reading her trash. Sorry... her NEW YORK TIMES NEWSPAPER.

So we're gettin' ready to go and Liz says, "wait... don't leave yet... something else is going on over there" I look over and Crazy says to us, "I recycle the paper! Also... my purse is GONE!! It was right here on my chair and now it's GONE! And I can't get into my house or call anyone or use my wallet to buy delicious coffee drinks! GONE!"

Now it might sound like I'm making fun of her and that's because I am. Bitch was crazy, y'all!

She calls a Barista over and says, "they moved my bag from the chair and then my purse was gone!" That's about all I had to hear to know we needed to get the eff out of there. I was not about to hang around this Starbucks to be accused of stealing some douchebag's purse. She hung it on the back of her chair and it's possible someone stole it (DID YOU JUST ARRIVE IN NEW YORK!?!) but seriously, we all kind of agreed that it was more likely she ate it or flushed it down the toilet or maybe shoved it up her huge Crazy VAGINA in order to get attention.

I feel sorry for her if she really did lose her bag. I can't imagine losing everything in my purse. There. That's all the sympathy you'll get from me.


I kinda wish we'd stuck around to see what had happened but we had places to be and quite honestly I don't trust NY Police enough to not think something bad would come of us sticking around while a lady accused us of stealing her bag.

Just another event proving that crazy follows me 'er I go.

Have a great night!