Sunday, April 15, 2007

The KO Kid

Let's get something straight right from the start, you guys. You mess with my friends and I'ma THROW DOWN. This has been seen in many incarnations. First there was the karaoke night where some dude had the other mic and was singing Eliza's song along with her but loud, drunk and rude.

HELL NO.

I shot up out of my seat, stormed across the bar, GRABBED the mic from his hand and said, "no!" I then let Eliza finish the rocking out SOLO.

Then there was the I Eat Pandas benefit concert we had (to benefit ourselves, natch) at Galapagos in Brooklyn. We had a myriad of performers one of which was the hilarious BH of BeepBoop.org. He was doing his set and a dude back at the bar started heckling him.

HEEEEELL NO.

I shot up out of my chair, stormed across the bar and told him to shut the eff up (or something equally as eloquent) and did he? Yes he did and Birch completed his set UNINTERRUPTED.

There have been other instances I'm sure I'm forgetting and even the Flickr incident of a few days ago, but I really took it to a new level Saturday night.

First, and this does have something to do with the story I promise, I shot something during the day on Saturday where I had to have fake nails. Fake French tips which looked nice but just aren't my style. I also couldn't do shit because I bite my nails down to the nubs. So anyway, I had fake nails Saturday. Let's just put that out there.

So I finished with the shoot at 6pm, met my sister for dinner at 7 and then got a text from Carrie about meeting up for a drink. I was exhausted from running around all day and not getting good sleep the night before but faaaaar be it for me to pass up a drink, right guys? In all honesty I thought to myself, "you should go home" but I never listen to that little voice. Sorry, Oprah!

So anyway, we went to one of my favorite places King's Head Tavern on 14th. We hung out for a while and my sister went home and then two more friends took off so eventually it was just me and Carrie.

We're laughing, we're drinking but we're not drunk and it's turning out to be a good night. At one point we're outside and when we come back to the bar there's a girl sitting in my seat. No biggie... I ask her very politely if I can have my seat back. She moves, no incident, and Carrie and I sit down. Carrie picks up her drink to take a sip and the bitch grabs the drink out of her hand and says, "That's MY drink!" I look at her and say no it's not and grab it back. I mean that wasn't her drink! So she looks at us and at this point it's clear that she is BLITZED and she grabs the drink back AGAIN. Hooooo better step off! So I grabbed it back, she grabbed it again and spills it all over the bar.

And here's where there were two roads I could have gone down. One road had a rickity old roller coaster made out of hotdogs and tape and the other had a field made out of pillows and fat grandma hugs. Which road do we want to guess Glennis chose?

Yeah.

So I stand up, look her in the face and say, "Bitch... I will FUCKING kill you" and without missing a beat she GRABS MY HAIR. HARD.

I mean she pulled my hair! I know it probably wasn't, but it FELT like the back of my head was up against my back. It was that hard. So I mean, come on guys... what am I gonna do? Just stand there and let the ho take & spill Carrie's drink and pull my hair?? Fuck no. So I pull back with every ounce of my strength! We're locked in a true Springer moment and in my mind I'm like "fuck... I need to take her out. I have never fought before... what do I do? Holy shit I can't believe this is happening!!"

Now I mentioned the nails earlier because I'm pulling on her hair and I'm also thinking "I'm going to rip these nails off my fingers. That is NOT GOOD." So in all honesty I was probably not fighting back as hard as I could in order to spare my sweet, delicate fingies.

The bouncer FINALLY comes over to break it up after what seems like an hour of Flava of Love Charm School and I'm in paaaain. I felt like I had whiplash a little bit. The bouncer yells at both of us, "You're Both Out of Here! Now!" And immediately Carrie and I start defending my honor. I didn't do shit! Well, except tell her I was gonna kill her. But he was hearing none of it and I just knew for sure I was going to be booted. Then, the drunk asshole goes, "He pulled my hair!" and points to the bouncer. Wow. She was not only living in wrong world, she was President. So he looks at me and says "Go stand over there, Glennis" and I go with Carrie and my chair and he kicks miss classy out of the bar and from that point on in the night I'm known as the "KO Kid."

The bartender later told me that she was probing the bar with her other hand to try to find something to smash on my head, you guys! Never had I seen someone that angry and belligerent while drinking. The bouncer said she was outside laying on the street crying while her friend stood over her. I felt bad but come on. Bitch pulled my hair!

Funniest part of the night was that she had this shittastick necklace on which was some sort of metal rope thing all twisted in the front like a pretzel. After the fight Carrie says to me, "Glennis I know you're upset but can you ask Auntie Annie if I can get a pretzel necklace with salt?" I lost it. We were laughing so hard. Thank god for humor, right guys!?

So that's my weekend. Am I proud of what I did? Not really. I mean I'm glad I stuck up for myself and jesus christ it wasn't cool at all that she kept taking Carrie's drink, but I should have known to keep my fat, stupid mouth shut. You hang out in bars and you're bound to have drunk people around you. I could have been really hurt and who the fuck knows what people might do when provoked.

All that being said...

I fucking rock.

Have a great day and please let's try not to follow in my footsteps, shall we? (And I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend.)

Love,

Glennis "Scrappy" McMurray

PS - Seriously bitches. Don't mess with my friends. I disowned someone I knew because she said it was gross Liz was eating a stuffed pretzel as she was eating it.

4 comments:

Liz said...

Pretzels stuffed with faux-cheese-product from the Landmark Sunshine cinema aren't my first choice for food options but when you're hungry, you're hungry and I appreciate you defending my honor.

Maggie said...

you win at life.

happy belated birthday!

Glennis said...

Thanks Miss Maggie May!! :)

Jeffrey Marx said...

Damn, I should have never moved out of your kitchen! I love this! xo