Thursday, June 30, 2005

De Plane! De Plane!

Not to offend, but I'm quite aware that I have a very queer tattoo.

Queer? That offended you?


...gayballs tattoo.

Now realize, I got said tattoo at the age of 17. With mother in tow. In a red state. Ah. Are the pieces coming together now? I decided I needed a tattoo and I didn't know what to get so I got what really just summed me up on skin. I mean it really just encapsulated me and I was sure I'd never ever change and would never feel the need to mutilate the patch of skin that held said tattoo in order to remove it from sad, pathetic life.

I now tell people that the tattoo is ironic and I'm pretty sure everyone believes me.

Here's my tattoo:


Here it is for reals:

That's me in a hat. Oh my god it's killing me.

Sorry guys, here's the real tattoo:

Pretty gay, right?

I'd consider getting it removed but saw a show on tattoo removal and it takes up all your money and time and only ends up looking like this:

I hate roses, too.

So I've decided against it and will instead spend the rest of eternity in pants, yearning to sing "Papa" but knowing I must never, never ever ever, ever. EVER. again let that geeky thespian out of the closet. God forbid I end up with this:

(Can anyone tell me what part of our 2,000 parts that is??)


Ba dum da dum dum!

"One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong..."

"...Can you tell me which thing is not like the other, before I finish this song?"


Thursday, June 23, 2005

The best part of waking up...

I never sleep well. Sometimes this is just a bad thing (i.e. bleary eyed for work the next day) and sometimes this is a terrible thing (fall down. fall down so many times.) but sometimes this means that I'm right between dreaming and being awake for most of the night and I have crazy dreams that I remember.

My dreams used to be more intricate and insane, now they're mostly me stuck in a car on the highway trying to find an exit that doesn't exist so I can get to a dentist and have the teeth that have fallen out of my head (and are still resting upon my tongue) reinstalled.

Today, for some reason, I was reminded of the most awesome dream that ever woke me up in my life.

I woke up laughing because I had a dream that Max Wright

Max Wright

was driving around my back yard in a teeny tiny truck.


His knees were sticking out and he just kept going around and around my yard.

Isn't that hilarious!?

Other people I'd love to see driving a tiny truck around my back yard include:

Fake Oprah


Baby Wrestler

baby wrestler

and Two Headed Kitty

two headed kitty

Huge Step or Obvious Decision That Should Have Been Made Ages Ago?

This is great.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Evil Has a Name

And a face. A big, big, BIG face.


If you missed last night's Katie Couric interview with Jennifer Wilbanks you missed an hour of EVIL.

Sweet Katie was even more angelic than usual as she interviewed this terrible woman and her husband, John Mason... who I can only imagine has black devil blood coursing through his veins as well.

Shocking details were revealed throughout the case, but at the root of this story that brought a nation to its knees was one thing that could not be denied. Incest.

"I still kiss my father on the lips," Wilbanks disclosed.

"Every night we say, 'I love you.'"

Quite true. And quite EVIL, Jennifer?



Couric decides to skim past that very touchy subject and so brings up the fact that Wilbanks was convicted of not one, not two but THREE evil shoplifting violations. I don't know about you, Crazybanks, but I was raised knowing that only evil people took things from stores without paying. I never took anything without paying, therefore I am not a crazy runaway monster evil bride.

Katie: "A $37 theft from Wal-mart. Later that year, $1,740 worth of merchandise from a shopping mall. In April of 1998, you were charged with taking $98 worth of merchandise from still another store."

Does Jennifer Wilbanks deny these claims? No. They are on record and that would be stupid. Instead, she incriminates herself even further by admitting she had other, cuter things on her "to steal" list.

Wilbanks: "I used to... tell everybody that they better check my bags before I leave to make sure I didn't have any of the babies with me."

BABIES Jennifer Wilbanks? Or is it Jennifer HITLER?

The interview not only exposed Hitlerbanks as a malevolent force but showed her stupidity as well.

Wilbanks: "I had a bottle of pills. Or I had the bus ticket."

I don't know how things work out there in Georgia, but in AMERICA our bus drivers can't be tricked into accepting a bottle of pills as bus fare. America got you again, NoGood-ifer

Toward the end of the interview Katie finally realized the woman sitting in front of her was not just a woman. She was much, much worse.

Couric: "Clearly, these demons don't kind of show up over night."

Wilbanksrobber: "Exactly."

The nation can't argue with that, and I won't either.





Bad Man



Bad Man

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Bliggy Blorgan

If you haven't yet discovered this I urge you to read it. If not for any other reason than it's written by the great Billy Corgan. (You remember him of Smashing Pumpkins fame, yes?)

There are a lot of childhood memories (Shakedown, 1979)and more information than we'll ever need to know about another human being we don't actually know.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Little Grobbie

I finally figured out why Josh Groban freaks me out so much.



Quit feeling sorry for yourself!

Just in case us Americans had yet another day full of self-pitty due to our lack of career, body issues, unintelligence, bills, lack of career, overscheduling, nasty employer, performance anxiety, lack of career and yes, lack of career, Oprah provides us with a show chock full of reasons to love life!

Meet beautiful baby Vianna.
Baby Vianna
Oprah wants us to look into this sweet child's smiling face and remember the simple joys in life. No matter how stressful life may get, always stop to smell the roses and hug a baby. Right?


Vianna was born in South Africa to a homeless, drug-addicted mother in a prostitution hotel. At 5-month-old she was viciously gang raped by a group of HIV positive men (idiots in South Africa believe legend that sticking your infected dick into a small child will rid you of the disease) and was hurt so badly that "doctors were crying during much of the surgery."

Still feeling sorry for yourself?

Then please, I'd like to remind you of the story of a Romanian father who, because of the desperate poverty of the country, is forced to prostitute his own 14-year-old son.

Still moping?!

This is Grace.
Grace's story starts out the way you're expecting it to. When Grace was 15 she was kidnapped from her school by the Lord's Resistance Army in Uganda. She was then forced to walk barefoot from Uganda to Sudan and made into a little soldier. Pretty sad, right? Yeah well it gets worse. She was then foced to kill two 12-year-old boys trying to escape from the army. And she had to kill them with a smile on her face because if she cried, she'd be instantly shot. Oh, and she was also forced to sleep with older men who were the commanders of this army. Oh, but it gets much worse! Because Grace was so tired and dehydrated she fainted and the army leaders took her for dead and BURRIED HER ALIVE. She woke up naked, surrounded by dead people.

"Barely living, she woke at night, but had no choice to rejoin her captors. 'I was no longer myself,' she recalls. 'I was just a walking skeleton with rotting feet, because of the suffering I passed through.'"

One day she was left in some bushes alone as they were fighting and she managed to escape.

She tells her story and Oprah asks what she is doing now. She's going to school in Uganda and studying Journalism so she can expose this evil that is still taking place. Oprah asks what help (i.e. therapy) she's gotten to overcome these terrible events that took place in her life. Oh, Oprah. You're so funny.

So, if by now you don't feel like the luckiest son of a bitch walking the Earth, well then I guess Oprah and I should find ourselves new jobs. Or some more really awesome stories that spread the sunshine around.

I know I feel better.

Thanks, Oprah!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


Because I am too lazy to write two blog entries in one day, please enjoy this.



Jacko Acquitted

And just in time... I need a baby-sitter for Friday night!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005