Necrophilia: A Love Story

Genoa, Italy
February 12, 1887

Open on: Carl Tanzler, a young boy of 10, walks along the streets of Italy kicking a rock and whistling a merry tune.

TANZLER

Dooo dee doo! I'm a kid! I speak German! La la la!

Suddenly an impetuous wind whips around the young boy. He shields his face from the flying sand and debris but just as soon as the wind appears it's gone again.

TANZLER
(blinks, rubs his eyes)

Wha... wha happened?

DEAD ANCESTOR

HALT! HEAR THIS! HEED! HRAAAAPH!

TANZLER

A dead ancestor! What have you come to tell me oh dead one!?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Hey, what's up. I thought you'd be more frightened by my gettup. No? Flaming skulls not your thing?

TANZLER

I mean don't get me wrong, you look pretty scary... I just think dead things are awesome. Really, really awesome.

DEAD ANCESTOR

Riiiight. Um, so anyway I'm here to show you a picture. IT'S A VISION! MWAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(The dead ancestor holds out a 5x7 picture for Tanzler)



TANZLER

Wooooooow. She's beautiful! Is she dead?

DEAD ANCESTOR

What? No dude. What the hell kind of thing is that to say? You're a weird kid.

TANZLER

Thanks! Is this the woman I'm supposed to marry?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Something like that. Seriously though I'm really creeped out by your earlier question. What the fuck? I... gotta go. I have other visions to perform. (mumbles) Creepy kid...

Cut to: April 22, 1930.
A hospital in Key West, Florida.

A woman enters the hospital where Tanzler works as a Radiologist.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Excuse me? I don't feel so well.

TANZLER

GASP! (he gasps) It's yoooooou!! (Tanzler does a few spinny, hands out, "Sound of Music Hilltop Scene" twirls)

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Oh my! (cough cough) Where you (cough) expecting me?

TANZLER

Oh my beautiful, exotic creature! You're my vision! Weeee!!

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Wow! That's so (cough) lovely! (Cough. Cough, cough, cough, cough. Cough.)

(cough)

TANZLER

So what seems to be the trouble?

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Seriously? COUGH COUGH.

TANZLER

Ah yes... you have a cough! Well, I can fix you right up.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Are you a doctor? Your lab coat says, "Radiologist."

TANZLER

Ahhh... um... that's my... last name! Yes. My name is Carlos Radiologist. DOCTOR Carlos Radiologist. Now please take off your nickers so I can evaluate the severity of your cough.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Well, I supposed it couldn't hurt.

(Cut to two days later.)

TANZLER

(To Maria's family trying not to smile.)
Your daughter is dead. I tried my best. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through, etc, etc... Hey this is going to sound way out of left field here, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. Mind if I pay for her funeral and then contstruct an above ground mausoleum where I shall store her corps so I can visit it nightly?

FAMILY

(Staring at Tanzler.)

TANZLER

I'll give you a cooookie...

FAMILY

Deal.

Cut to: A dark lab at midnight. Tanzler sits with Maria's dead body which has since been encased in wax and plaster.

TANZLER

Oh my dear sweet Maria. How I've longed for the day when we could be together! (He kisses her and removes some of the wax from her face.) You look as beautiful today as you ever did.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Thank you, Tanzie.

TANZLER

Imagine the life we shall have together my dear Maria! You encased in your mausoleum above ground in the local cemetary and me visiting you daily! The times we'll have! The laughs we'll share!

MARIA'S CORPSE

Oh Tanzie I can't wait! Tanzie?

TANZLER

Yes Maria my sweet?

MARIA'S CORPSE

I'm so much happier now that I'm dead.

TANZLER

I knew you would be! Uh oh. Some of your hair is falling out. Oh god. I'm so turned on right now.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Take me, Tanzie!

TANZLER

Right here?? But Maria! What will the neighbors think!?

MARIA'S CORPSE

Seriously? You're storing a woman you barely know in a mausoleum.

TANZLER

Touche.

The lights slowly fade out and the camera pans to the ceiling as we hear the sweet, sweet sounds of a man having sex with the love of his life. A dead chick.

THE END

(Check it.)