I just returned from an audition for a sweet, sweet candy at which I had to, on camera, wear super-tight jeans, roll up my shirt and expose the one thing I've spent my LIFE trying to hide:
MY MUFFIN TOP
For those of you not in the know (i.e. skinny girls and dudes), a Muffin Top is when you wear jeans that are too tight (my every-day wear) and your sweet little belly hangs over the sides. And it looks just like a yummy, yummy muffin!
ARMWARMWARMMWA! (That was me doing kissy baby noises to my belly cuz it's so cute and muffin-like.)
But here's the thing. Muffing tops ain't cute, y'all. They're just not and no one should have one. LET ALONE ON CAMERA, IN AN AUDITION.
And oh god, this audition. I mean the whole experience was fucking TERRIBLE.
The waiting room was, of course, filled with some of the hottest guys EVER. They would, again of course, be playing my boyfriend. Two guys sat next to me (as I sit there spiiiilling out of my jeans) saying "Yo. I like girls with muffin tops. I like a little extra meat. Makes them, you know, real."
I like my girls "Michelin Man" style.
I heard that and said, "BULL SHIT" out loud. Kinda slipped out (like the fat over my jeans) but I'm glad I said it. And the guy says, "No seriously. I really mean it."
Oh come ON.
I told him I'd like to see pictures of all the girls he's ever dated. I guarantee it'd look like the Olson Twins wing of the Wonderland rehab center.
But there were the other girls there. You'd think that would have made me feel better, having other ladies around, squeezed into their jeans, muffin tops unite! But no. Here are a few things I heard in the 10 minutes I waited to go into the room:
"Oh my god, I didn't even know what a muffin top WAS!!"
"My agent called and was like "can you get some really tight jeans?" and I was like, it's gonna be really hard to find some that give me a muffin top. Maybe I can find some in the kids section!"
"Do you want me to tighten this belt more?"
"I just can't give myself a muffin top!!"
"Maybe I should stuff some donuts in my mouth real quick! HAHAHA!"
You want ME to stuff some in there for you??! CUZ I'D BE HAPPY TO.
And in the spot the guy says, "It's that thing from Seinfeld. You know, everyone loves the muffin top cuz it's the best part. So everyone must think you're the best!"
How much do you want to bet me a fucking man wrote that spot.
And now I'm going to talk about how I need to lose weight and you're going to want to kick me because every time I talk about being fat on here I get emails saying "Glennis! Stop talking like that! You're loco!" (Thanks, guys.)
But here's the thing. I am (kinda) skinny for the normal world. But in "Actor World" I am fat. Not plus-size fat. But fat, all the same. So when you think I'm "too skinny" that's when I'll be juuuuust right.
ANOREXIA, HERE I COME!
No, I'm kidding. Trust me I love food WAY too much to ever be a fucking retard like that. Yes, Anorexics are retards. Wah Wah Wah, it's a disease. So is cancer. EAT SOMETHING. (I'm terrible. But I'm also in a pissy mood. Deal.)
(Also, I know for a fact that a certain lady comedian that every girl I know wants to either DO or BE, went on the Atkins Diet so she could look better on camera.)
So yeah. That audition was not my favorite part of today. Neither was walking past bodegas and not being able to go in and buy a soda I'll only drink half of. I don't NEED a soda. Right?
I can tell I'm going to be a raging bitch this month. Which, for me, means just kinda grumpy.
Wish me luck on this commercial because although I'll have to expose my bulging belly to the world (hello, not what I want people to see months before my high school reunion) I'll probably make like a billion dollars from it. SO... trade off.
Have a great day. I'll be living at the gym from now on if anyone's looking for me.
Glennis "Muffin Top" McMurray