Thursday, February 08, 2007

My Replacement Boyfriends

With Valentine's Day (or ValenTIME's Day, as my boss says) drawing near, and hearts, kisses and lingerie being forced down my throat at every turn, I decided it's high time I let you guys in on a little secret. Something that keeps me sane and gets me through those rough patches.

My Replacement Boyfriends

Finding a replacement boyfriend is really quite simple. First think of something a boyfriend would provide and then find a replacement. See? Easy. Here, I'll help you out.

My replacement for kissing is eating a slice of pizza. My tongue caresses each oily pepperoni as if it were trying to get the whole stick into bed. My lips become tender and sore after hours of wiping tomato sauce from them. I lick my lips and wrap my mouth around each savory bite and the fact that a man is not standing in front of me with his tongue down my throat, well it all just melts away like fresh mozzarella cheese.

A good replacement for hugging, I've found, is a packed subway car. Snuggle your way into the car, making sure no valuables are easily accessible (including your heart, ladies!) and savor each bump and grind. You can make this a sexual thing too but that might land you in jail and really all you want is a little human contact, right? And sometimes if that doesn't work you can put on clothes that are way too tight. It has almost the same effect!

Sweet Phone Calls/Messages
The obvious replacement here would be to call a sex hot line, right? Neigh, I say! Don't waste your money when what you should really do is buy a voice scrambler (like the ones the bad guys use in movies), call yourself, and leave sweet messages. True, it might sound like a stalker or someone who wants to kill you but let's face it ladies, attention is attention!

That "I Love You" Feeling
Nothing replaces the feeling of someone saying, "I love you" like listening to Justin Timberlake's CD. Any one. It doesn't even matter. You can hear it in his songs even if he's singing about an ex's scorn. And some day soon you two will be together. And by "you two" I mean me and Justin. I love you, JT. Call me. (Guys this works for you too. Don't tell me it doesn't.)

Laughing Until You Cry
There's nothing like having a boyfriend who you can spend hours upon hours joking around with, making each other laugh so hard you almost cry/vomit. My replacement for that? Sweet, sweet Marijuana coupled with: 30 Rock, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the first Tenacious D album, David Cross or South Park. Trust me. You will laugh until various shades of green shoot out your nose. And you'll be alone so there's no embarrassment to follow!

Romantic Dinners Out
I'm broke so this is especially tricky for me but here are a few things I've tried. Call up a friend and see if they want to meet you for dinner at a nice place. Le Cirque or Sparks Steak House are always good choices. Order everything on the menu (between gazing into your friend's eyes to get the "romance" part out of the way) then, when the check comes, do the fake "oh no... where is my wallet!?" routine and ask them if they can "get this one" and you'll get them next time. CHA-CHING!!

and last but not least...

Really there are just so many obvious choices do I need to go over them?

I also like to buy men's clothing and sprinkle them across my floor so I can pick them up in disgust while shouting out things like, "I'm not your mother!" And often times I'll leave the toilet seat up just so I can be surprised in the morning with a wet hiney. Oh you replacement boyfriend, you!!

I hope you ladies and gentlemen out there are happy in your love lives, with or without a mate. And if you're not then I hope my tips helped a little bit.

And remember... if nothing else; I love you.

Did you just poop a little bit in your pants from me saying that? Sawry :)

Have a great day!

Love (and I mean it),


1 comment:

katie said...

i did pooop a little i think. can you check for me?
speaking of...have you ever read the Poop List? I had it in college many years ago as a 100th generation photocopy, alas it has finally found its way onto the internet. Ghost Poop is my fave