Friday, March 19, 2010


Guess what decisions I'll never make?

1. To do cocaine cuz guess how I know I'm NOT gonna die.
2. To make my child a star.

I am staying in Oakwood Apartments in LA and the cup runeth over with youth being wasted away. I don't normally go so black and white on things, but putting your child in the biz is, at least in my book, majorly shittastic. I just want to scream at these mothers, "are you nuts? Have you not seen ANY show on E! News? Have you not seen 'Life After Tomorrow' about the crazyballs Annie girls? Did you not hear of the death of one Mr. Corey Haim which happened TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU?"

I've, so far, seen kids with 6-packs (and I'm not talking Situation-style abs), a kid by the pool in broad daylight drinking a 40 and to top it all off they're running around unsupervised in bathing suits!

Oh my god, I'm old.

I feel like stage moms think, "well, I fucked my life up... let's see if my kid can do it better" and that's just wrong. But I feel worse for the kids who are here with their showbiz siblings. The kids who have no desire whatsoever to book a national or guest on L&O. The Louise to their Baby June. Anyone?

I mean, who knows. Maybe I'm wrong and they'll all be come well-adjusted adults with billion dollar cars which they'll use to run me and my walker over, but I doubt it. All I know for certain is that I'll never, ever ever, EVER EVER EVER put my kids into show biz no matter how adorably they tap dance while juggling kittens. And let's face it, that's pretty fucking adorable.

Stay classy friends,


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Knee Deep in LA

Y'all this week has been bananaballs!!

First of all I have to say we had a crazytown good time at Dream Role last night. Sold out the UCBT LA at 11pm on a Tuesday! We'll be back to do the show again and if you'd like to be a part of it here are the submission guidelineballs. Sold out! WHAT THE DINK!?

But srsly y'allz when I say I am knee deep in LA I MEAN IT.

-Lindsay Lohan is suing
-Corey Haim died (RIP)
-Ben Stiller shared my airspace

LA has vomited all over me. (God, Heather bulemia is soooo '87)

First of all, more on Lindsay soon.

Re: Ben Stiller, well his sister was in the show - the FABULOUS Amy Stiller performed as Jane Fonda in Klute (nailed it!) - but the important part is he is famous. And was there. (See how much I've already changed, LA?)

And it really is so sad about Corey Haim, guys. Another soul chewed up by the Hollywood monster. We drove into the apartment complex last night and saw an ambulance and firetruck outside one of the buildings. Who would have guessed that's what was happening. So sad! RIP.

I'm staying in bed today.



Thursday, March 04, 2010

Subterranean Homesick Blues

Hey guys. It's me again.

Coming to you live and direct from sunny Cali...

Oh who am I kidding? I hate it out here right now and I can't for the life of me say why. I woke up this morning, watched some cartoons (Super Hero Squad), some Stooges and then it just hit me. The Subterranean Homesick Blues. Take it away, Dylan.

OK, so maybe I'm not really mixing up drugs in the basement or dealing with anything that song represents, but I like the song and I like the title and I find it comforting to listen to. Definitely reminds me of New York and I've been listening to it on repeat all morning.

I miss you, New York! I promise I'll never, ever leave you again for more than 2 weeks. I'm in LA for a month and that fact makes me want to vom a little.


I will make the most of my time here, BUBS! I vow to make every moment count! Like right now I'm going to really put my all into finishing my Ultimate Supreme Blended Coffee Damnation from Coffee Bean. See? I'm already feeling better.

Someone please tell New York I love her and touch her lady parts for me. I'll be home soon.



Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Profile of a Dick

Hey guys, it's me.

I was just chatting with my friend Carlos* who was asking my advice on approaching a laaaaaaady and it sparked a memory in me.

*Names have been changed to protect the googled.

First of all I enjoy that my guy friends approach me for advice. I had this super-jellin boyfriend before who FORBADE ME FROM HAVING GUY FRIENDS!! and I gave up some pretty awesome friendships. Most of which I've reforged, but HEY that's not cool. Don't do that OK, ladies?

Oh and all my guy friends call my girl friends "Hot _____". I guess I have a lot of hot girlfriends. And no, that doesn't make me jealous because I know they're calling me "SUPER HOT GLENNIS" behind my back.

Right guys?



The point is... what was the point. Oh right. Memory!

So I told Carlos that he should ask her out for a drink and he jokingly said, "or a BJ"... and that sparked the memory. I KNOW. Gross. But bear with me.

I was in high school and an acquaintance of mine, a guy I hung out with here and there, but never on our own, went through a very public breakup. You know those high school breakups. THE END OF THE WORLD. So I'm home one day and I get a call from this guy. He says he's really upset and could use a woman's ear. HE CALLED ME A WOMAN, YOU GUYS. OK he might not have, but it's my memory.

The boy, and I do stress BOY, asked if he could pick me up and drive around; he just needed to talk. Why sure, I said. And guys, I was honored. I really was. Out of all the girls in the school he sought my advice. (Jesus this story is kind of depressing me already...) So the boy picks me up and we head up toward the ski resort a few miles out of town to an area where the high school kids would hold a lot of parties. And we chatted and he did ask my advice and I helped as best I could. I was helping, you guys! I love to help.

So eventually, after driving for what was probably 30-minutes, he stops the truck in a wooded area and says he needs to take a leak. I sit in the car as he goes out and relieves himself through what I can only imagine is a very small wiener and then he walks back to the truck he says to me, "I hear you give really good blow jobs."





"I'm sorry, what?" I reply.

"The word around school is that you give really good head."

OK... FIRST OF ALL even if that WERE true (and it wasn't*) that's your ingenious plan to get one from me? What a last place DICK. A real BONEHEAD! A first class DOUCHE! I hope that guy got kicked in the nuts a lot later in life.

*To explain the "good head" rumors we'd need to go into a detailed story about 3 bitches who made a portion of my high school experience HELL because they thought they saw me at a party with one of their boyfriends. They did not. I hope they got kicked in the vag a lot.

And that, my friends, is a profile of a dick. I wish I could impart some warning signs upon you, but as you see there were none.

Seriously though, I have no idea why I just wrote that. Maybe that dick will find it and be ashamed. He'll have to because I have NO idea what his name is now. HAHA FUCK YOUR FACE I FORGOT YOU!

Have a great day and, please, don't be dicks.