Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Profile of a Dick

Hey guys, it's me.

I was just chatting with my friend Carlos* who was asking my advice on approaching a laaaaaaady and it sparked a memory in me.

*Names have been changed to protect the googled.

First of all I enjoy that my guy friends approach me for advice. I had this super-jellin boyfriend before who FORBADE ME FROM HAVING GUY FRIENDS!! and I gave up some pretty awesome friendships. Most of which I've reforged, but HEY that's not cool. Don't do that OK, ladies?

Oh and all my guy friends call my girl friends "Hot _____". I guess I have a lot of hot girlfriends. And no, that doesn't make me jealous because I know they're calling me "SUPER HOT GLENNIS" behind my back.

Right guys?

Guys?

BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

The point is... what was the point. Oh right. Memory!

So I told Carlos that he should ask her out for a drink and he jokingly said, "or a BJ"... and that sparked the memory. I KNOW. Gross. But bear with me.

I was in high school and an acquaintance of mine, a guy I hung out with here and there, but never on our own, went through a very public breakup. You know those high school breakups. THE END OF THE WORLD. So I'm home one day and I get a call from this guy. He says he's really upset and could use a woman's ear. HE CALLED ME A WOMAN, YOU GUYS. OK he might not have, but it's my memory.

The boy, and I do stress BOY, asked if he could pick me up and drive around; he just needed to talk. Why sure, I said. And guys, I was honored. I really was. Out of all the girls in the school he sought my advice. (Jesus this story is kind of depressing me already...) So the boy picks me up and we head up toward the ski resort a few miles out of town to an area where the high school kids would hold a lot of parties. And we chatted and he did ask my advice and I helped as best I could. I was helping, you guys! I love to help.

So eventually, after driving for what was probably 30-minutes, he stops the truck in a wooded area and says he needs to take a leak. I sit in the car as he goes out and relieves himself through what I can only imagine is a very small wiener and then he walks back to the truck he says to me, "I hear you give really good blow jobs."

GA-GA-GAAAAaaaa

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT

Shocked.

SHOCKED.

"I'm sorry, what?" I reply.

"The word around school is that you give really good head."

OK... FIRST OF ALL even if that WERE true (and it wasn't*) that's your ingenious plan to get one from me? What a last place DICK. A real BONEHEAD! A first class DOUCHE! I hope that guy got kicked in the nuts a lot later in life.

*To explain the "good head" rumors we'd need to go into a detailed story about 3 bitches who made a portion of my high school experience HELL because they thought they saw me at a party with one of their boyfriends. They did not. I hope they got kicked in the vag a lot.

And that, my friends, is a profile of a dick. I wish I could impart some warning signs upon you, but as you see there were none.

Seriously though, I have no idea why I just wrote that. Maybe that dick will find it and be ashamed. He'll have to because I have NO idea what his name is now. HAHA FUCK YOUR FACE I FORGOT YOU!

Have a great day and, please, don't be dicks.

xo

Glennis

4 comments:

Erin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Erin said...

OMG I accidentally deleted my post! I am a loser. Here is what I said:

When I was in biology class in 10th grade, this meat head jerko was sitting in front of me and I heard him talking to another jerko. This was essentially their conversation:

"Hey man, you know Joe Whatever-His-Name-Is?"
"Yeah."
"He's gonna set me up with this girl who's gonna give me a blow job."
"We are assholes."

I might've invented that last line. But my point is that boys in high school are jerkos.

Glennis McMurray said...

HA! That made me laugh out loud!

brad said...

I miss "driving around," back when you felt that free-floating island on wheels was the safest place to be yourself(or be a brazen DICK).

It was also an ideal time to smoke pot.