Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dirty Little Lies

I'm about to admit something to you guys that I'm not proud of.  I used to be a liar.  A big, fat liar with my stupid pants on fire.  It's not something I brag about or anything and I'm not proud of it so get off my lady junk.  Gaaahd!  Why are you so judgmental, internet!?  Anywayyouwantit... I did it and that's that.  Lying is just one of those things that starts out small with a few "tell them I'm not home" fibs and snowballs until you're sneaking out of your bedroom window in your father's house at midnight to smoke pot in "the hood" (of Durango, CO so really more like "the condo") with your best friend.  Lying begets more lying and the knot in the pit of your stomach eventually becomes so intense that you, hopefully, decide to stop lying when the time comes to grow up and make important life decisions. (i.e. Adulthood)

I mentioned the other day that I attended the Bridal Expo in Times Square.  The more time that passes the more I regret that decision. I mean they should have just called the place "The Liar Expo" because it was nothing but big, heaping, steamy piles of bullshit.  And the worst part is I totally fell for it which really ticks me off!  I mean I don't fall for anything anymore.  I've had my share of run-ins with the NY scammers; the "can I ask where you get your hair done?" ladies and the "do you like free comedy?" dudes.  I've learned my lessons the hard way, but I guess that's what happens when you have little guidance and move to NY at 19.  I don't judge myself because I learned my lesson.  Cut to present day and I'm getting duped all over again!  What a wedding won't do to a sane girl's head.

The day after the event I got a call from a representative from Laser Cosmetica telling me I'd won $500 in free services.  My initial reaction?  Yeaaaah right.  But they piqued my interest so I checked out their website and the Photo Facial was too much for me to resist.  Who doesn't want to look like a photograph all the time??  Who, I ask!?  No one that's who.  But wait, let me back this train up.  The first call I received went like this:

SALES LADY: Hiyeeee!  Can I speak with Gleeennis Mc... Murree?

ME: (sigh) This is she.

SALES LADY: HIYEE!  I'm calling from Laser Cosmetica!  We met at the Bridal Expo...

ME: Let me just stop you there, I'm really not interested, but thank you.


I hate to be rude (no I don't), but why waste anyone's time.  But then I thought about it and, as I said, checked out their website and that little seed of doubt sprouted roots and started growing.  What if I had won?  What if I really could look like a photograph all the time?  WHO, I ASK YOU, DOESN'T WANT THAT!?  And I was just the teeniest bit regretful that I'd been so rude.

Cut to: the following day when I receive another call which I was a little more pleased to receive.

ME: Hello?

SALES LADY 2: Good morning, good morning, good morning!  Can I please speak with Gl...eeeenis?  Mc... Murray?

ME: This is she.

SALES LADY 2: Hello!  I'm calling from Laser Cosmetica!  We met at the Bridal Expo on Tuesday and I have some very exciting news for you!  You've won $500 in free services!  Congratulaaaations!

ME: Thanks!

SALES LADY 2: So what I'd like to do is set up a time for you to come in for a FREE consultation!  What does your schedule look like for the next year?

ME: Listen, I'm in the middle of something can you email me the information?

SALES LADY 2: OH sure!  I'll get that right out to you.

ME: Thanks!  Bye.


And in all honesty I was in the middle of something: a delicious bowl of cereal.  Still half thinking it was a scam I emailed my ladies to get their thoughts and they all seemed to be of the "go for it!" train of thought so I figured - what's the harm?  But when I posted my good news on Facebook I heard from a few people that they were charged by Laser Cosmetica for services they never received.  Ooooh you dirty little liars!  I received an email from LC, but ignored it and thanked the gods I hadn't gone for the consultation.  Nothing worse than pushy sales ladies working on commission. Nothing.

Cut to: Friday day when I check my phone and find a voice mail from, who else, Laser Cosmetica saying, "Hello Glennis!  I see you've recently booked a consultation with us on October 30th at 3pm..." I didn't hear the rest of the message because, in the middle of Costco, I shouted "liars!"  OK I wasn't in Costco, but that sounds much more dramatic doesn't it?  (I mean I went to Costco earlier that day which is another blog post in itself - oh my lawd - but at the time when I received the call I was in the car and that's just not the same.)  Anywaybebaby... I immediately called the "spa" back and got their voice mail.  "You've reached Laser Cosmetica.  We are either on the other line or with a client."  Please.  I probably called some chick's apartment while she was dropping a steamer.  So I left the following message, "Hello, this is Glennis McMurray.  I received a call from one of your sales associates saying I'd booked a consultation with your office on October 30th at 3pm.  I did not book a consultation, nor will I be booking one whether it's free or you're paying me.  Do not call me again.  Thank you."  And then I did a little high five dance because that, my friends, is how ya do.

But the saga continues!  An hour later, after purchasing some sweet Halloween decorations at the dollar store in Billyburg, I got a call from the "head office" (her bathroom) of Laser Cosmetica.

"HEAD OFFICE" DOUCHE: Hello can I talk to GLENNIS, please?

ME: This is she.

 "HEAD OFFICE" FARTSUCKER: You called to cancel your consultation with...

ME: No.. I never BOOKED a consultation.


"HEAD OFFICE" POOSNIFFER: (In a very condescending voice.) You didn't call and speak with Shaneesha to book a consultation for October 30th at 3pm?

ME: No.  I did not.



ME: (wtf!) Yes.  REALLY!


"HEAD OFFICE" SNOTLICKER: Okaaay then!  Have a good day!

ME: (Matching her snottiness.) You too!!


WOW.  I mean... wow.  Flames of furry shooting out my face holes!!

Lying as a kid is one thing.  Lying as an adult trying to do business, another.  How about this, Laser Cosmetica... how about you don't trick people into booking your services and dupe them out of thousands of dollars (talk to Ms. Marcy Jarreau on that one) in order to stay afloat.  I, for one, will never do business with you and I'm pretty sure anyone with half a brain who googles you after one of your "congratulations!" calls will steer clear as well.

Oh, and... CONGRATULATIONS Laser Cosmetica!  You're all dirty liars!



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