Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Who Are You Wearing?

As I mentioned in yesterday's ELO post (which contained miiinor sprinkles of my disturbance over being called, "ma'am" in Forever 12-year-old-sales-associates-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see), I shop at Forever 21.  It's not something I'm proud of and, like any vice, I'm trying to quit.  True, I've purchased some pretty sweet key items for my wardrobe including blue leggings (market value: .0001/cent) which, if I'm being completely honest make me look like I've stuffed those potato sack babies you carry around in high school to keep you from getting prego, inside.  Guess what else will keep you from getting prego?  Blue leggings.  I mean I try to rock them and certain times I do.  Post-workout?  Boom.  Pre-bedtime?  Nailed it.  Camping trip?  Color me obvious.  Here's the thing - when I wear these blue leggings any other time, say out in PUBLIC, I get the sneaking suspicion that my friends are biting their tongues and thinking, "well, we can't win them all."  Which is why, dear friends, I am vowing right now to stop buying cheap clothing that falls apart in the wash and spend money on sturdy, staunch, republican-style clothing.  Wait, scratch that last part.

I've recently come across a few items of clothing that fall under that category and have kind of changed my life a little, you guys.  First: jeggings.  Now wait, stop, hold up, listen.  I knoooow what you're thinking.  How can I possibly tout something as immature as mashed clothing after the previous paragraph?  I agree... Jeggings are ridiculous.  Mashed clothing is ridiculous (though very convenient)... What's next: Shackets?  The shirt/jacket!  Hairts!  Hair hats!  Gloothbrush!  Toothbrush gloves!  (Wait, that's actually brilliant and yes I realize a toothbrush is not clothing.  Gaawhddd.)  I get it, guys.  I felt the same way.  But the more I said that magical word, "jeggings" the more it grew on me and when I said it with a regal British tongue it really sounded less child-like and more like something a fancy, but not too fancy, lady would wear.  And so I purchased some from H&M which is like Forever 21's still kind of cheap cousin who still goes out to the clubs but is realizing she wants to settle down and find "the one".

You guys, look how cute I look in them!

Shh, shh, shh... of course that's me.

So, yes, I am the proud owner of a clothing mashup and you know what?  They've kind of changed my life.  Regular old jeans are SO two thousand and late!

Next up: Outerwear.  I've been obsessing over this jacket from Esprit for, oh, as long as I can remember (a week).  I walked out of the store without it the first time for two reasons.  One: overly pushy sales associate who literally complimented everything, and I do mean everything, on my body.  Literally everything.  I'm not kidding.  Everything.  I had to pull her out of my butt before I left the store.  (The alarm sounded.)  Don't get me wrong, I love me a Glesbian, but this was just Goldie Hawn-Overboard.  So, to prove my point (I'll show her) I walked out without the jacket.  And might I add that because I'm a chicken in those situations I told her my fiance would come back and purchase it for me for Christmas.  "No, no!  He'll deeeeefinitely be back.  Oh, probably today.  He's such a sweetie!  Always buying me coats and stuff.  OK well... bye!"  And I skulk out the door.  Why is that always so awkward?
Second: though they were advertising 25% off all outerwear (and still are!), the jacket was over $200 and that I just can't justify.  Even when the pushy sales assoshe keeps telling me the sale will probably only last a day.  I think she earned her coffee because she Always Be Closin.  My point is: I walked out without the jacket.  Then a week went by and I came to my goddamn senses (i.e. the weather got colder) and went back in for my baby and nothing has been the same since.

I die.  I die, I die, I die.  The warmest jacket I've ever owned, so adorable and very figure-flattering which is important so you don't feel like a lumpy baby-potato sack all through the winter.  And the best part?  Spending a little more on this jacket assures me it won't fall apart, lump up, lose buttons or fade for a while.  I'm kind of an adult, you guys.  (I say while watching Fraggle Rock.)

Next: Two Boots
The number one clothing item I'm complimented on and asked about are my super awesome kick-ass Frye boots.  Though these were purchased over a year ago I can't say enough about them.  Rain, shine, snow, sleet, even ice, these boots have served me well.  They take about a week to break in, but once you do they can be worn anywhere and with just about anything.  Even jeggings!  In fact, they're the perfect boot for jeggings!  Wait, why don't we all just wear Bants?  Boot-pants?  We've come so far and yet...  Anyway, these boots are number one in my book and Christmas is just around the corner so maybe when you walk out giving the old "it'll be a Christmas gift from my man!" schpeel you won't be fibbing out your face hole.

Well, you heard it here first, people.  From now on I steer clear of that Forever Wasteland of delicates (because they're so poorly made) and blue leggings and start shopping like an adult.  A very broke adult who purchases clothing once a year.




heidi said...

You are so hilarious! I didn't even know what jeggings were! Thank you for enlightening me!! Now I must have some...xoxo

Glennis McMurray said...

You will be taken to new heights in leg wear, Heidi! Enjoy!


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