Dear Lindsay

Giiiiirl, how are you?  No seriously - how are you?  Is everything OK?  Cuz it really doesn't feel that way.  Feels kind of like you're in a dark place with your arm stuck under a rock.  Like you were just walking along and then you fell in a crevasse and this rock pinned you and now you have to gnaw your arm off to get free.  Do you feel like gnawing your arm off?  That's just an analogy... I don't really think you want to gnaw an appendage off.  (Well, maybe your ankle LOL.)


Anyway, just checking in.  Call me!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I'm not saying I'm necessarily worried about you.  I know what a firecracker you are!  I know you'll bounce back!  It's just, well, you kind of seem blue.  And maybe, well, maybe like you're losing your mind a little.  And, listen, I totally get it.  I thank my stars I wasn't a child actor with fucked up parents.  (I was just a child with fucked up parents LOL.)  I mean life was hard enough as it was, but add millions of dollars to the mix and I can only imagine how you must feel!  So I toooootally get you.  I just want you to know that if you ever feel like talking I'm here.  CALL ME!

PPS - Just use your words, you know?  Use your words.

PPPS - Like if I did something to piss you off just TELL ME!  You know?  Just TELL ME.  OK, that's all.  Love ya!  xo

PPPPS - Because do I really need to say that I get you, man!  I get having a shitty relationship with your father and taking it out on yourself.  Boy do I get that.  I mean, sure, your dad is in a league of his own, but isn't the sentiment the same at the heart of the matter?  Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here.  I just want you to know I GET YOU.  OK, seriously - call me.

PPPPPS - I mean, I'm trying really hard to be rational here, you know?  LOL!!!  I just don't want to ruin what we have, you know?  I think you're really great and I'm really trying to keep my cool over here.  So, just, you know.  Call me or something and we'll talk.  Let's just TALK.  OK.  OK.  ...OK.

PPPPPPS - No, but seriously - fuck it.  Who am I kidding, over here??  I'm pissed!  You knew what you were doing... don't give me that innocent crap.  You really fucked me over this year!!  I was gonna be living large and you made sure to shove that money train right off the tracks.  I mean you really left me cold and broken on the bathroom floor!  And the worst part is - you know what that's like!  I mean your video for "Confessions of a Broken Heart" of course.  I mean, shit.  We GET each other, girl!  Or at least I thought we did.  I guess I just don't know you anymore.

PPPPPPPS - OK so I'm just going to come right out and say it.  That commercial had NOTHING to do with you.  Like, literally, nothing.  You know what nothing is right?  It's the lack of something.  The absence of things, things being you as the "hidden meaning" of that commercial.  I was hired to do a voice and that was it.  Why would I do something to hurt you?  I was just trying to do my job!  I mean think about it - you've done nothing to me - am I some psycho who just goes around hurting innocent people?  You know I'm not that person!  If you had done something to piss me off I would have called you and been like, "dude you really pissed me off!" and then you would have been like, "what did I do??" and I would have been all, "you borrowed my antique measuring cup and broke the handle off then tried to glue it back on and pass it off when you should have just told me you broke it in the first place.  You know I care more about you then some stupid measuring cup from the 50s!  Come on, girl!  You know that!"  And then we would have gotten together for some egg nog ice cream and pound cake (our fave!), snuggled on the couch and finished watching Season 1 of Damages.  Instead you chose to stab me in the back and I'm really pissed!  Fuck!  I don't know if we can be friends again.  Seriously, I think this might be a deal-breaker, lady.

PPPPPPPPS - SO I NAMED THE BABY LINDSAY.  So what!?  There are a currently about a million people named Lindsay.  And that crap about you being synonymous with the name Lindsay that is just crap!  You're not Cher, dude.  You starred in a few movies and made some shitty records.  Get over yourself!

PPPPPPPPPS - Sorry.  I'm really sorry.  I didn't mean to low-blow you like that.  I love your movies and your music.  Really!  I play your songs all the time.  A lot of your songs!  So, yeah, I named the baby Lindsay and called her a "milk-a-holic".  It's true.  Shit, I know how it sounds, boo.  I know you must have seen that spot and thought what a raging bitch I was. You probably threw a few things.  I know your temper ;)  (Remember the stool through my parent's sliding glass door??? LOL!)  But you have to believe it was purely coincidental.  The producers were looking for a baby name that sounded edgy and the first name that popped in my head was Lindsay.  (Um - you should totally feel honored by that, btw.)  And the "milk-a-holic" thing was just a hilarious joke about babies!  Wait... do you get it?  Maybe that's the problem - you don't get it.  See... cuz babies don't date each other, yano?  So the whole commercial in the first place is just ridiculous.  Yano?  I mean, it starts off with a girl baby TALKING, first of all... and it's and adult voice (MY voice) so right off the bat you're like, "oh man I get this commercial - it's a joke!"  And then the girl baby is like "where were you last night??" which, let's face it, we both get.  Dating an unfaithful guy bites the big one.  Been there, done that, right sister?  I mean, we chose different ways of dealing with it, but still.  (Me - therapy.  You - Samantha. LOL!)  So anyway, the commercial is parodying adult relationships in kids so it's funny to call the "tramp baby" at the end a "milk-a-holic" because she's a baby who... are you getting this at all?  It was a joke that had nothing to do with you.  Plain and simple.  A joke.  Anyway, I guess I'll talk to you in person about this at some point.  Love you like a sister.  SWAK!

PPPPPPPPPPS - No, wait... I'm sorry.  The more I think about this the more it pisses me off.  You sued them, dude!  You sued E*Trade for 100 MILLION DOLLARS!!  Why not make it a billion!  Jesus!  Like, are you even kidding me right now?  They took that spot off the air.  It was the number 3 Super Bowl spot, it probably would have run ALL TIME and you had it taken off the air.  Do you understand what that did to my bank account?  Can you say overdrawn?  Do you know what that's like?  Do you know what it's like to fend for yourself financially from the time you're 19??  Do you have any fucking idea??  It's really hard!  Do you KNOW what it's like to book a job which means financial security for a little while so I don't have to think about money all the goddamn time?  I mean, do you even get the plight of the everyman or are you too busy snorting your money up your fucking nose?  Huh??  Huh!!?  Do you get that at ALL!?!?  Seriously, dude.  Fuck you.

PPPPPPPPPPPS - OK, I went to far that time for realz.  I'm really sorry.  (And what was that "plight of the everyman" crap?  Who do I think I am - your dad!?  :P ) Ug, Linds... it's just... it's just a shitty situation.  You really put me in a bitch of a tight spot.  I guess it's over now and there's not a lot that can be done.  I guess I forgive you in the end.  I feel like there's a lot of shit going on in your life I don't know about.  Anyway, call me some time and we'll talk.  Sorry again about the snorting money up your nose comment.  I really do hope you're doing well.

(But seriously, how 'bout a few bones from the settlement, eh?  Help a sister out?  LOL!)