Friday, November 05, 2010

Triple F!

If you were to ask me what this world needs more of, first I'd give you the Clair Stare for not already knowing the answer, then I'd tell you in two words: Triple Fs.  Aka Fierce Fabulous Fems.  Amirite, people??  I'm getting a little F-E-D Fed Up with hearing women say they're "crazy", "insane" or "broken" and don't deserve what they make abundantly clear they desire.  Everyone deserves happiness but you, right?  Wrong.  Every, and I do mean every, woman out there can be a goddamn rock star, it just takes a few minor tweaks (and maybe some therapy - you knew it was coming), some pointers from me, and a good old college try.  Here are a few tips I picked up on my road to becoming a Triple F.


"I'll have confidence when my stomach is flat/ass is smaller/thighs don't jiggle."

"A husband and kids with THIS NOSE??"

"Papa can you hear me?  No, you can't.  I'm an unlovable monster!"

"I'm just a socially awkward weirdo.  Drinks on me!"

Sound familiar?  They do to me because they're all things I've said and have let hold me back.  Pretty sad if I do say so myself.  (And I do.) It's not the worst thing in the world by any means, but it's a downright shame.  I know there are ladies out there thinking similar thoughts on a daily basis.  So here's the thing, we all have residual shit from childhood.  I used to be *squawked* at every time I'd walk into my middle school art class.  They called me "Beak".  As in "BIRD BEAK".  No joke, guys, it stuck with me and I didn't even realize I was seeing my nose through their eyes.  I don't have a big nose, but if I did wtf cares?  Good old Bette Davis put it best when she said, "If you hate your parents for willing you buck teeth, have them fixed or become a comic - only keep quiet about it."  I think we'd all agree that Ms. Davis was a Triple F, yes?  So stop hating and start heeding!!  Stop making excuses, start making out with yourself!  If you hate your nose either fix it or MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

You know who doesn't use excuses?  Rosemarie Siggins aka "The Woman with Half a Body" (thank you Discovery Health).  She had her legs amputated at a young age because of a genetic condition and now gets around using her arms and a sweet skateboard.  I mean, literally, best excuse ever to not move forward with your life, right?  You literally have no legs to do the moving forward.  But did she sit at home moping, beating herself up and name-calling?  No!  She got out there!  She met a man, had kids, BOOM!  Are you really going to tell me you're not good enough while looking at a serious Triple F like Rosemarie Siggins?  Give me a serious break.

Serious Rockstar and Lover of America


Adding some self respect to the mix has some pretty great side effects.  First, something we all want more of - confidence.  Self respect and confidence go hand in hand.  I mean, sure, you can fake confidence till the cows come home but at some point your true self image will show and it's usually on your 15th vodka/soda at 3 in the morning while you cry to your friend on a street corner.  (Been there, done that, lost the t-shirt.)  Second, respect from men!  How about that??  I can't think of anything sadder than a seemingly strong, confident woman seeking a man-child's approval.  Add some self respect to the mix and, well you might not be able to open his eyes, but you sure as hell can show him you won't stand for that kind of behavior!  (Do I really need to give examples?  Pretty sure we've all been victims at some point in our lives.)  The more women who stand up for themselves and stop jumping through hoops for men the better chance we have of them realizing they can't get away with that shit and... *Boom!*  Problem solved.  Unfortunately, there are a bunch of dickwads out there (just watch an episode of 16 and Pregnant for the earliest signs of dickwaddery) with no one to hold them accountable and it just makes me sick.  (Seriously though I think I need to stop watching 16 and Preggers. Rage.)


Grade Triple F Meat
Does anyone define "owning it" better than Lady Gaga?  Doubt it.  I mean you're telling me it doesn't take balls to wear a dress made out of meat?  Not only wear it, but ROCKET?  You're really going to tell me that right now?  She can wear a dress of meat, but you can't wear jeans because your butt looks big?  Gimme a B-R-E-A-K, Break!

Owning It, Bitch
I love Snooki.  She knows who she is and makes no apologies for it.  She doesn't fit into the box society has deemed "acceptable" for a lady, so she does her thing with a middle finger to the world.  At the same time she stays true to herself and the people she loves.  Sure, she can be a hot mess at times - who can't?  I've had my share of hot messiness, but she doesn't let men dick her around, she doesn't accept double standards and she rocks her attitude just as fiercely on the red carpet as in her grimy slippers.  (Seriously though wash those things, Snooks.)


I think all my ladies will agree that it's hard out there for a girl, yes?  So why make it harder?  We're already fighting for respect from a lot of men so why are we fighting for respect from each other?  Shouldn't the mere fact that we're all the same gender be enough to unite us?

Oh, and side note: can everyone, but especially ladies, please stop calling them "slutty" Halloween costumes?  That would be awesome.  Exposing skin does not a slut make.  Thanks.

True Triple Fs are proud of each other.  They take pride in the work of their brethren and respect them enough not to turn everything into a fight-to-the-death competition.  Healthy competition, sure!  Look at what the ladies around you are doing and let that inspire you to think, hey, if they can why not me? Healthy competition moves you forward, unhealthy keeps you stuck.  Support each other and things will undoubtedly be easier on all of us!


After a show a few years back, two audience members joined me for drinks at a bar around the corner.  Two lovely ladies from New Jersey, both middle-aged and non-creative types, they were interested in the career path I'd chosen and were asking a lot of questions.  We got to talking, drinking and talking some more and the subject of sex came up.  I, of course, started talking about vibrators and how the one I bought wasn't doing the "trick" and was met with blank stares.  Certain I'd crossed the line and - reminding myself these were not only strangers but fans who had probably just tossed their "Glesbo" hats straight out the metaphorical window - I quickly changed the subject.  There's a time and a place, McMurray!  To my surprise their floodgates opened and all the pent-up sexual frustrations came pouring out.  "I've never masturbated" one woman said.  (I tried to contain my shock reminding myself once again that these were strangers.)  "I've never had an orgasm" the other said.  "And," she added "I've been married for 10 years."
Whu-whu-whu-whuuuuutt??  Hold the goddamn line for a second.  What the balls!?  I tried to diplomatically respond, but ended up giving them an earful about how gettin' down with yourself is awesome and hot and NECESSARY.  They said they knew and made excuses and I'm pretty sure I scared them, but I'm glad I had my say.  Seriously, ladies, that thing between your legs is - news flash - not just for dudes!  (Or ladies if that's your thang.)  What I'm trying to say is a Triple F loves herself inside and out.  She rubs the bean, flicks the pea, massages the chicklet all in the name of happiness, confidence and fabulousness.  So take that Christine O'Donnell you sad little robot.

Honestly, from hearing some women talk it sometimes seems like a lost cause, but I know it's not.  I know one of you is reading this going, "I want to be a Triple F!" and I know you'll figure out how.  Because you do have to figure it out for yourself which is the unfortunate/fortunate part of all this.  Looking outside yourself (a man, booze, woman-hating) to feel more confident is just temporary and so not fabulous or fierce.  How about we all just start being proud that we're the third F... Females.  (Or, my preferred term, "Ladies".  I had to settle for Female to sate my love of alliteration.)

So ladies, let's slap on a coat of red lipstick, throw on some self respect and we'll be that much closer to having a world bursting with Triple Fs.  Imagine?




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