Thursday, September 29, 2005

Tribal Called Quest

One of the best... No. THE BEST.

THE BEST show on television right now is "Going Tribal" on the Discovery Channel.

Tuesdays, 10pm, Discover Channel

It's freaking awesome you guys.


"Going Tribal follows former Royal Marine and expedition leader Bruce Parry as he tests the physical limits of living with ancient tribes in some of the world's most remote areas.

Parry sheds social trappings (and sometimes his Western clothes) by living alongside people from the virtually unexplored areas of the Himalayas, Ethiopia, West Papua, Gabon and Mongolia. To the degree possible, while spending a month immersed in each society, Parry also tries to adopt the methods and practices of his hosts."

And does he ever adopt. Everything from removing every last stitch of clothing to hunting and fishing and eating with them. He eats WHATEVER they eat. He sleeps where they sleep. It's amazing and I am totally enamoured with this man. He has this gentle sort of impish charm about him. He eases the nervous tribes' minds a few minutes after meeting them, and before his month is up he is accepted as one of the family. Often times tears are shed as he leaves. It's amazing and awesome and you must check it out.

I just finished watching an episode where he goes to Indonesia to live with the Kombai tribe and they are Cannibals! They believe if a person kills another person for no reason that they are evil and you must kill them and eat them because the evil spirit lives in their brain and stomach. I mean, come on you guys. It's AWESOME.

I want full updates after you've watched it about how awesome it is and how much you love Bruce.

You know you like it.

Come on people. It's time to get out of that closet and admit what we all know is going on.

We all love Kelly Clarkson.

I don't care who you are. I know you love her. What? What's that? You say you've never heard her?

Well my friend, please tell me when you get out of jail/the rock you're living under so I can play her for you.

Oh, what? Wait... what? You say you've heard her but don't like her?

Saying you don't like Kelly Clarkson is like saying you don't poop. We all do it, we just don't like to talk about it.

Well I'm talking. I like her. I might dare say I LOVE her. The girl can sing and as poppy as her songs are, they are also fucking catchy and fun to dance/workout/sing/masturbate to. Did I say masturbate?


Kelly's single "Since U Been Gone" fell off the Top 40 after 33 weeks making it not ony the longest charting single in the ARC Weekly Top 40 history, but also the biggest single in the chart's 25 year history.

I mean, come on.

And she's adorable!

Yeah I am!

It's becoming more and more clear why people think I'm a lesbian. Sigh.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

An Open Apology to the People of NY

Hey guys. Sorry I yelled at you on the escalator yesterday. Sometimes I really just assume everyone in the world knows to stand on the right, walk on the left.

I mean, if you see that it's rush hour and that everyone else is doing that, I don't know... I just thought maybe you'd get it too.

But it's no reason to yell, I know.

I'd had a rough day and little sleep.

So I'm sorry everyone.

And I'm also glad I had my headphones on so I couldn't hear what you called me as I stormed up the stairs (and caught the train which got me home 3 minutes earlier than I would have gotten home had I waited).



PS - Listen, I'm kind of in a shitty mood again today so if we could try to avoid this whole mess again that'd be great. Thanks again. Sorry.

PPS - My new favorite How To.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

How to Blink Your Eyes

Recently, I signed up for the new Google home page (which is the tops although doesn't necessarily quench my thurst for fancy web pages). On the page they have great little additions such as "Word of the Day," (today's word is deliquesce: to melt away or become liquid.) and "Quote of the Day," (The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. - Lord Acton).

But my favorite extra-goodie is the "How To of the Day" in which you can get step by step instructions on everything from riding a horse to buying good fish for sushi.

Todays How To, however, had me giggling like a kitty in a kite store.

"How to Walk Silently"

Walking silently is an art that most people have not successfully developed to any degree. With practice, one can improve and master the art of stealth.


1. Get soft foot wear. The harder your footwear, the louder the noise. The best type of footwear is socks or leather moccasins. When at all possible, avoid bare feet (feet generally sweat and on flat surfaces, this creates lots of noise, as they stick to the floor) and hard-soled boots (because of their bulk and material, boots are more difficult to walk quietly in).

Don't be a jokester, this is important.

2. Wear sparse, tight clothing. When walking, one's legs and clothes rub together creating noise. Minimizing your gear will prevent this.

Yes, that should do.

Yes, that too.

Ok, dum dum, that will do.

3. Take slow and measured breaths from the mouth. Air travelling through a small passageway creates more noise than a large passageway. If more air is needed, open your mouth to its full extent. It may look foolish, but it creates less noise.

No, no, that will never do.

4. Watch the next place you will take a step.

Be mindful of objects you are stepping on.

Oh Buuuuuuuurn!

And blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth.


Frequently test your skills. Try sneaking up on a friend and ask them if they heard you.



With knowledge of stealth, one is tempted to test one's skills. Do not use these skills to do anything illegal or harmful.

Remember that "with great power comes great responsibility."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Now start sneakin!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Hot Air Theory

I have this theory that the expense of your hotel costs can be directly related to the hairdryer you find in your bathroom.

Most of us starving artists, when forced to stay at a hotel because of dire circumstances (i.e. no friends in town) will find a hairdryer such as this one in our bathroom:

A few years down the line, you have a little more money and perhaps you'll find a hair dryer such as this in your hotel:

But I know we're all hoping that someday we'll be millionaires and we all know what comes along with that millionaire status. Nicer hair dryers. Such as this:

So it stands to reason that you can also tell the status of someone in life based on how nice thier hotel hair dryer is.

For example,

Oprah's hair dryer:

Tara Reid's hair dryer:

Andy Roddick's hair dryer PRE US OPEN:

Andy Roddick's hair dryer POST US OPEN:

So it stands to reason that if x = y and I'm freaking awesome, that one day my hair dryer will look like this:


Identical Cousins

While writing earlier post about the greatest movie ever written (see: Say What Now? 9/15/05) I google image-searched "Jennifer Aniston" and came across this picture:

"Well yes, that's Jennifer Aniston silly head!"

Is it?


Look again dear friend. This is a CELEBRITY IMPERSONATOR. Available for your hire!

“But what can I, Joe Nobody, hire a Jennifer Aniston Impersonator (who will be hens forth known as JAI) for?”

Glad you asked! According to the website of TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT you can:

Make your next corporate event, awards banquet, trade show, fundraiser, sophisticated party or advertising promotion a hit by having "Jennifer Aniston" be part of the entertainment. This talented look-alike is wonderful at meeting and greeting your guests. You can even arrange to provide your guests with photos taken with "Jennifer Aniston" as souvenirs. She looks, talks and acts like the real performer and is a perfect complement to any special event.

“Wow! I’m sold! I want to call you, hire JAI and pay! Here is my credit card number! 143…”

Whoa, hold on to your cat chow, kitten.

Because you just might want to check out THESE amazing performers. Who will perform for you! At your next party! For you!


Elvis 2!

Elvis 3! (stadium Elvis)

Elvis 4! (profile Elvis)

"But wait. What if I want a more dramatic addition to my party?"

Sorry friend. No one here by that description. Best be on your...

Wait, someone's at the door!

Who could it be??

Why, it's Garland, Judy!

"Wow! It's really her!"

"Here's a question: I'm a huge fan of a movie called Caddyshack. Would you happen..."


"Wha!? Amazing!

Well you certainly have sold me, TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT. I'm going to call you right now and spend the money I have on your talent! THUMBS UP!!!

But I still think you're website is a bunch of crap."

Oh woooah woooah. No respect!

Say What Now?

What if I were to tell you I was writing a script. A movie script. And that this was a script about a former cop who is framed and subsequently imprisoned for drug trafficking. While in the slammer she (sheeee) plans to escape with her slightly older, wiser female cell-mate who perhaps has a flawless accent of some as-yet-to-be-determined origin.

What if I told you I was going to try to get Jennifer Aniston to star as the cop, and Meryl Streep as her cell mate?

You might say, "Why, Glennis... all my wildest dreams would then come true!"

Well you lucky ducky...

All your wildest dreams have just come true!

(except for the part about me writing it)

I give you: WANTED

Ok then. Let's do this again, real soon.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Worthy Cause

Listen, I know we're all poor starving actors/artists/workies, and I know we've all donated time and $ and resources to the Katrina disaster, but I'm asking for a little more help in another area.

Every year I raise money for the American Cancer Society's Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk. This year it seems as though we're not going to get as many people involved or raise as much money. I know in part it has to do with Katrina and I know it's a really super worthy and immediate cause that we should all be focusing on. But I think this is too.

So if you'd like to donate a few bucks to my team, please click here and I swear I'll be eternally greatful.

Thanks guys.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

You're welcome, LA

Hello LA, it's me Glennis. Remember, I was there for a few days recently?

Yes well I've decided to come up with a new way for you all to commute around town since driving is such a huge pain in the ass.

Actually, the expression on that kid's face is pretty similar to what we encountered out there in L. A. Yer mama down.

Again, you're all welcome.



I happen to like NY (part II)

Last time I went to LA I loved it... but the time before that I felt completely home-sick and wanted to stay in NY forever.

This visit... well I doubt you'll find me moving to LA without a few kicks and screams and a pout thrown in for good measure.


I mean, I knew that going on a trip with Miss Marcy Girt would be a little crazy, because times spent together usually provide us with countless hours of stories. But this was something else all together.

Our story starts on Wednesday night in NY when we joined one of our friends, who moved to Virginia a while ago, for dinner. The three of us used to be joined at the hip, partners in crime, the three amigos, so a reunion dinner was going to be great. And it delivered, great food, great company. Marcy and I thought this might be the way the rest of our weekend would go. With the flow. Bro.

I stayed over at her house on Wednesday and we didn't finally end up going to bed until 1 am. At the advice of Marcy's roommate, we got up at 5 to get a car to JFK so we wouldn't miss our flight. It ended up that our car only took 15 minutes to get us from Queens to JFK so we had a lot of waiting around time. People started arriving from the film and we all got checked in and boarded the plane.

We flew Song air which is the JetBlue version of Delta airlines. I guess they try to be "cute" or "different" so each time you board a plane instead of a movie or an actual flight attendant saying "this is how you buckle your seatbelt" or "in case of an emergency..." they have a voice over come on over the loud speaker. This voice over was RIDICulous. A woman with a really bad Irish accent came on with Irish step dance music in the background to tell us to "take the potatoes out of our ears" and to keep our "wee tiddlers" in line while on the plane. (I know what it sounds like but I think it means "kids.") It was just terrible. Had that been my first flight I would have had no idea how to buckle my seat belt or what to do in an emergency because I was laughing so hard at this poor woman trying to sound Irish. Toward the end of her voice over she completel lost her accent and said "thanks for flying Song air" in her North Dakota/Middle America accent.

So the flight takes off. Everything is great. They have these tv screens at each seat with games, mp3s, tv, movies. It's pretty awesome. The flight attendants however where NOT so awesome. One attendant in particular was so bitchy poor Marcy didn't ask for a blanket for fear it would be thrown at her like it was the last woman who asked. She rolled her eyes while handing out water and grumbled when someone pushed their attendant light to get help with their tv. What a joy. Really. As the flight landed we learned the reason for her disdain when she got on the loud speaker and said, "I'd like to wish MYSELF a happy birthday" in her best "my super sweet spoiled brat sixteen" voice. What a pure delight!

You want a blanket?

Upon arriving in LA we get our rental car and, because I'm prepared beyond belief, start to follow the mapquest directions to get to our hotel. Wow, mapquest sucks. Not only did it give us the wrong directions, but they were SO much longer than they needed to be. We basically just had to get on La Cienega and take it all the way North until 3rd street. Instead we got on H Hughes parkway, Interstate 10, all this crazy shit and THEN ENDED UP EXACTLY WHERE WE STARTED! I could have spit. And I would have had we not had two people from the movie in the car with us.

We finally find our hotel and settle in at 2:00. MAPQUEST YOU WILL PAY.

The party was later that night so we had just a few hours to rest and get glamorous. I knew I'd be rooming with one of the actors from the other movie so I was interested to see who she'd be. When she arrived, well she was just the sweetest thang from Nashville you ever did see. Miss Nyla. What a doll. Marcy and I were immediately in love. She was around 50 and went about telling us pretty much every terrible thing that had happened to her in her 50 years. All in a chipper, Tennessee drawl.

"Oh y'all, when my husband died three years ago..."

oh dear!

"Y'all, my friend was gonna come with me but she had a mini-stroke."


"Y'all, I was in a plane crash. I was datin' this dentist and he had his own plane and we were flyin' but there was bad fuel in the plane and the plane caught on fire and my panty hose melted to ma leg. So ah hate flyin'."


I mean it was just one thing after another. What a woman for going through all that stuff and still having the sunny disposition she had. Nyla, we'll never forget ya.

So the premiere party was just hilarious and a blast. Got to take a stretch hummer limo to the red carpet. On our way there we passed by the permiere of Reece Witherspoon's new movie "Just Like Heaven." I stopped and said "hi" to her and told her next time to check with me before scheduling her premiere the same night as mine. But whatevsies.

There was a photographer at the party and he was snapping away all night so I'm sure there'll be some hilarious pictures to be seen. I took a few too and will post those another time.

The most bizarre part of the evening was when Marcy and I first arrived and we were sitting by ourselves over on a couch (at Ivar, where the event was held) and a girl comes over to us. She has that vapid "LA" look in her eyes but seems friendly enough. She asks us our names, what we do, why we're here (actually, why are YOU here, crazy?) and then Marcy asks her what she does for a living. She says, "I'm a writer" and Marcy asks "what do you write? books? screenplays?" and our friend says "I write about Life." She then tells us she wants to be an interviewer and keeps asking us questions. It was quite a weird experience. She later gives us her card... it says her name and underneath says "Media." Ooooh. You're in media. OK.

I. Am. In. Media. Meep. Mop. Moop.

The party ended and because of jet lag and lack of sleep the night before, Marcy and I are in bed by 11:00.

The next day we decide to drive around LA and possibly get a hair cut and do some shopping. I got the most awesome hair cut/color from Jena at the salon in the Beverly Center. GO TO HER if you are in LA. AMAZING.

LA turned Marcy into a lover of "7" jeans. She almost bought a pair for $135. I mean, they did make her look amazing but even that couldn't pursuade her to spend that much. Maybe she'll get them on eBay... or maybe for CHRISTMAS! Ooooh.

That night we went to a small Karaoke joint with our friends Dori and Alissa. It was a little divey bar in some bad part of LA that I couldn't find again if you made me. We pretty much had control over the mic and sang roaring renditions of "Wind Beneath My Wings," "Midnight Train to Georgia" and "Eternal Flame." It was pretty thrilling... for the 10 regulars who don't get many 20-year-old hotties turning up the heat in that place.

Oh and while arriving and leaving Marcy had 3 black cats cross her path.

The next day we got a ticket for $30 from a meter man who could have very well been the next coming of Satan or a serial killer, for parking at a meter and having our bumper about 10 inches into the red curb in front of us. I've never been met with such lack of care or understanding in my life. And I've dealt with a lot of assholes. I couldn't believe this guy's attitude. I really think he got pleasure from seeing me upset. I sped off and started crying. I don't know what came over me... lack of sleep, asshole writing me a ticket, who knows. We drove back and took pictures of the scene of the crime. We're gonna contest that mother effer. I later found out that meter maids/men work on commission. Wow, great idea Arnold. You idiot.

Meeep. Here. Is. Your. Ticket. Bitch. Blip.


The next day we were scheduled to leave. We'd stayed at my friend Claire's house to save $ on a hotel so we got up that morning, took her to Griddle's for breakfast (SO GOOD!) and left for the airport. All we had to do was take La Cienega all the way South and we'd be there. But no. There had to be a bike tour down Venice which blocked off La Cienega past Venice and caused us to go all the way down Venice to get on I-405. We accidentally missed the exit for 405 and went all the way to Venice Beach. We knew for sure we were going to miss our flight!! It was 10:30 and our flight left at 11:38. We finally got back on the interstate, returned the car, got on the bus to the airport and started to try and check in. That's when an angel arrived and helped me out. Some man came out of nowhere, helped me check my bag in, helped me get my boarding pass and get to the gate on time. Whoever you are sir you are awesome. Well, there was ONE normal person in LA at least.

I know it sounds like a shitty trip but actually it was one of the best I've ever had. Marcy is a divine travelling companion.

I sincerely hope all my NY frinds live in LA with me if I ever have to move there.

That place is WEIRD.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Dear Loyal Readers,

I'm not sure what's wrong with you guys, but I can clearly see you're not taking advantage of what seems pretty clear to me is a couple of great SPEED READING, NEGATIVE CALORIE DIET and BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES.

I mean really, readers. I love you all but you must have 1/2 a brain or be semi-retarded to not have already taken advantage of SPEED READING, NEGATIVE CALORIE DIETS AND BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES!









Please, wake your sludge brains up and take advantage now.

Don't let my blog be in vain.


Viagra will make you harder

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Dumb, Luck, Goose!

I'd just like to take a moment to point out something that you've probably overlooked up to now:

Matt LeBlanc is the luckiest actor alive.

The man has made a career out of "dumb" and we all love him for it. (And by love him I mean "Friends" Joey... not "Joey" Joey.)

Take a look at the jobs this dude had before he struck acting gold and landed Friends in 1994:

THE KILLING BOX (seriously?)

No, none of these are porns.

Yes, Matt... we know your secret.

Mother of GOD

I just found out my credit card interest rate is 20.25%