Tuesday night I took my ladies on an escapade of Bridal proportions when we attended the Bridal Expo at the Marriott Marquis in Times Square. Really, it was exactly like Janet's video for Escapade and by that I mean a freakin' circus. Who would have guessed a BRIDAL expo in TIMES SQUARE would be bananaballs??
Where do I even begin? Marcy and I showed up early just to check out the scene, but upon stepping off the elevator, we were immediately beckoned over by a woman shouting what I thought was, "Bridesmaid?" There were only a handful of people there so my confusion still confuses me. I just couldn't get a grasp on the goings on. The barker once again barked at us but this time I understood she was saying, "Are you the bride?" Or... wait... something like that. I don't know guys, I was overwhelmed! I'd also like to point out that she was completely impossible to understand. Every sentence of hers trailed ofattheendandshestartedmakingupwordsfardonsworthycablirtinroots. I asked her to repeat herself so many times I almost broke my old ear horn.
I inherited it from my granny. The hearing loss, that is.
The mumbler shoved two pieces of paper in my hand and slapped a "VIB" (Very Important Bitch) sticker on my jacket lapel. I still have no idea what the papers were, but I was told I couldn't enter the event without filling them out. If there's anything I hate more than a mumbler it's giving out personal information which I continued to do through the rest of the event. I'm about to put my "spam" button to good use, Google, so get ready.
Here was my plan of action: avoid conversations and eye contact, fill out forms for free vacations, eat my weight in cake, drink my weight in champagne, repeat (the last two). I don't need to tell you guys twice that I love me some free shit, but especially in food form. Mmmm... food shit. Well guys, I've got news for you! Those boothies (the ladies and gents running the bridal booths) do not mess around. They are on you like hoarders on a garage sale! It's all smiles and more personal information and to be honest it was not my thing. Thankfully I had the perfect mix of ladies there. My girls Katina and Sara lead the way scoping out which booths were worth visiting, which booths housed food (for me to house) and which were just worth the visit for the laughs. Marcy hung back with me sensing my need for flight (or perhaps to cover me should I have an anxiety accident) and kept me sane.
The booths were pretty much what you'd expect. Lots of jellybeans, teeth whitening and the potential for free vacations. And a lot of this:
Freeeeeeee stufffff!!! Come and get some FREEEEEEE STUFF!!! BAGS AND BAGS FULL OF FREEEEEEEEEEEEEESTUUUUUUUFFF!!!
OMG what I won't do for free shit. I filled out a form for JoS. A. Bank, for a bag which contained A FLIER and TWO MINTS. And the mints were shitty! Those gross white ones you get after a meal that go stale the minute you open the package. Ug. I did, however, walk away with a pretty sweet wooden bowl from The Bowl Store and... a tooth brush? Some candles? Chapstick? I don't know, guys, I better win me a g.d. trip.
Our first aisle complete we stumbled upon one of those booths they throw you in with hundred dollar bills, crank up the air and let you go wild. Before I could say "dolla dolla bill, yaaa" Katina had her earrings off, sleeves up and fists flyin'. It was truly a sight to see. I wish you guys had been there. Oh wait! I took video!
I can't. I'm still laughing! Well, I for one, am impressed. She won hundreds of dollars... nope. Just a bag. A bag with the Fiber One logo on it. Yep, she was catching yogurt tops, not dolla dolla bills, yaaaa'll. Still, it was the effort and boy did she deliver. I don't just have any jane shmanes in my wedding party, guys. True competitors!
After laughing for two days we needed sustenance and sought out the food booths. We came upon a cupcake counter (my favorite kind of counter) and I enjoyed a red velvet with cream cheese frosting. Delish. But where, I wondered, was the booze? Mind you there was no promise of booze, but the place was filling up and I needed something to take the edge off the bags jabbing in my side and barkers screeching in my ear. And, you guys, there was none to be found. Not a drop! Oh, but there was this delicious fermented soda which I used jedi mind tricks to trick myself into thinking it was pure grain alcohol. I mean... just a little something to take the edge off? No? Christ!
We stumbled upon a photo booth built for two and squeezed all four in which resulted in this:
Yes. I took a photo booth photo of our photo booth photo. I am truly at the height of laziness for this morning's blog post. Anyway, as you can see, we visited a place with clouds, a palmed beach, somewhere with a partly cloudy sky and Las Vegas. So that was pretty cool.
The best booth at the expo, and god I wish I'd taken a picture of this, was the First Response Pregnancy test booth. Now, forgive me, but Why? Aside from the obvious - you want to crack me and my friends up. Oh wait, I know. Wedding favors! Brillz!
My MOH/sister Kelsey and my other Sparkler, Carrie, showed up just before the fashion show was set to begin. Though I'm having my dress made and letting my ladies choose literally whatever dress they want to wear as long as they feel fabulous in it, I love a good fashion show. I love a bad fashion show. I just love a fashion show. We sat for 45-minutes waiting for this shit and then when it started it was nothing but some man with a bad goatee and even worse hair cut yelling that we weren't pumped up enough and saying shit like, "I can't heaaaaar yooooou!" without irony. He was clearly there to get the party started and no one, and I mean no one, was having it. We soon came to realize he was there to tout his skills as a party animal. Is that what they're called? The guys with glow sticks and bowler hats? Well that was he and he was... kinda lame. Sorry, dude. Then, instead of a fashion show, we just got a slew of DJs touting their services! WTF, Bridal Expo! They weren't even playing music or getting the party stahted, they were just talking about their services. I'm sorry, but wasn't that what the booths were for?? Though I can't really complain, you guys, because I'm pretty sure I found our DJ. Listen to this: he offers a service where they can broadcast TEXT MESSAGES from PEOPLE who AREN'T AT YOUR WEDDING on a TV SCREEN. Right? Pretty fanc! So... yeah... that's who we're going with because who doesn't want to tell people who aren't invited to your wedding that they can text their well wishes to you on your big day. Now dats classy.
Speaking of classy, I would like to bring things to a head here with the single most fabulous discovery of the night. The double decker PARTY BUS. Now this is not the double decker tour bus I spoke of earlier. No my friends, this is that and sooo much more. We were greeted by Da Dubble Decka upon exiting the Marriott. "OOOOH MYYYY GAAAAAWSH" I screeched as it caught my eye and we all stampeeded like wild animals to climb aboard. I'm might have shoved my pregnant sister out of the way to get there first but I can't be sure. But you guys. YOU GUYS. This bus is off DA HOOK! It's so nuts it makes you say things like OFF DA HOOK! It's two levels of pure, disgusting, unadulterated sexy fun. Neon lights! TV's! Stripper poles!!
Listen, we all want to dance on a stripper pole on wheels and NOW WE CAN! I'm seriously considering this for a joint bachelor/ette party. Very, very seriously. It has a toilet AND a urinal, guys. Now DAS Classy.
Welcome Home!Shit... I want that bus.
So, there you have it peeps. Our Bridal Expo Escapade drew to a close with dinner at Junior's where we shared in the joy that is Chicken on a Bun. What is that you ask? Oh, it's chicken... on a bun.
(Can you believe I couldn't find a stock photo of a chicken on a butt?)