Thursday, December 06, 2007

Comic BANS

(Inspired by Carolyn's post)

Comic Sans font you are the thorn in my side! You are the burn on my toast! You are the chip in my soft pallet! You truly are the font of death.

Here's something you should know about writing a letter of importance to people with, oh I don't know, information about your father's health and his finances: maybe don't write it in a font that is classified as casual, non-connecting script that is for casual (are we seeing a connection here?) use in informal documents. Listen, I know you're trying to be all friendly with our communication but it's goddamn hard to read something important when this is performing surgery on my eye sockets!

And the capital letters! Don't even get me started on the allcaps!

There is nothing in this blessed world that should be written in comic sans except the very things it was named for: COMIC BOOKS.

And I'm not alone in my hatred of comic sans! From wikipedia:

Comic Sans has become the subject of a campaign by some designers to limit or eliminate its use, on the grounds that (as typographic purists claim) it is poorly designed and that its inclusion in the Microsoft system fonts package lends itself to inappropriate use—for example, as a text face in documents or at large sizes in signage.

There is even a website trying to put an end to the madness! Their tag line, bless their punny little hearts is, "putting the sans in comic sans." I love two-fold. (I mean I'm not gonna sign their petition because, you know, I'm not a woman of action [or character] but it suits me just fine if you'd like to. Let's not get me started on my irrational fear of someone, someday, drudging up every keystroke I've ever made on the internet for public display and ridicule. The amount of time I spend reading about Siegfried & Roy is shame enough thank you very much.)

I often allow other people to express my feelings for me so I don't perform dirty sexual acts on your minds with my lack of grammar and literary skills so here, read this:

We believe in the sanctity of typography and that the traditions and established standards of this craft should be upheld throughout all time. From Gutenberg's letterpress to the digital age, type in all forms is sacred and indispensable. Type is a voice; its very qualities and characteristics communicate to readers a meaning beyond mere syntax.

And it's true! Comic Sans is fucking offensive. It's like saying the word CUNT. No one wants that (except maybe me and Matt at the top of our lungs while driving a car) especially not around grandma. That's what comic sans is like to me. Saying cunt in front of mawmaw. AND SHE'S DEAD YOU GUYS. DOUBLE OFFENSE.

Honestly when I read letters in that font, specifically in allcaps, I read it as if a child is screaming at me. It hurts my lady parts, guys. It really does.

In summation, I'm not asking for the complete and total ban of this font. It has its uses (Like if your child is really mad and wants to write a letter to someone? Have at it!) just please, I beg of you, keep it far away from mine eyes.



PS - Did anyone see that documentary on Helvetica? Just interested because I thought it looked pretty Hel-lish. Get it. Hel..ish..

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Breakinthelaw Breakinthelaw

You guys I got a mother effin speeding ticket this past weekend. But how Glennis!? You do not drive!! You live in New York! Welp, guys... I drove to North Carolina in a stolen vehicle (ok, it was rented but that makes the story better, right?) and while driving at around 12am I was pulled over going 83 miles an hour.

What happened first was I noticed flashing blue lights in my rear view mirror. Kelsey asleep in the back, Matt cozied up next to me, I muttered "fuck" and then "I'm getting pulled over." As I stopped the car I started yelling at Kelsey "give me my shoes! give me my shoes!" She was, naturally, confused so I yelled louder "GIVE ME MY SHOES I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER!" It's illegal to drive without shoes on, I think. And if it's not then I goddamn didn't want to risk it!

I hadn't been pulled over since high school. Granted I haven't been driving all that much since high school but still, it was a newish experience and not really to my liking.

What you should know is that moments earlier Matt had been driving. Without a license. And we hadn't put a 2nd driver on the car. But dudes... is it better to drive and possibly crash from exhaustion or let someone (without a license) drive? I ask you.

So I pulled over. The cop came up and asked me if there was any reason I was going 83 in a 65.

Any reason?

Any reason??

Any reason other than the fact that we'd left at 4pm on a Friday to drive 9+ hours to North Carolina to have "Christmas" with our dad?

"No. There was no reason. I'm sorry." I said.

He took my info and gave me a summons to appear in court. Anything over 80, he tells me, gets a summons. If I can not appear in court (which I can not) on the designated date then I must send in something and blah blah blah.

I then discovered the joy that is cruise control. Eat gas as it may it's a handy invention and when you let go of the wheel it's like you're not driving at all!! Anyone want to ride with Ms. McMurray? I thought not.

The best part of the story is that we forgot the summons in the car. The car that I returned yesterday to Jersey City. So now miss smarty pants speed demon has to go back to get it. What a dummy. What a large, stupid, dum dum dummy.

Other than that the trip went off without a hitch. Spent time with the family, drove through some sort of light extravaganza with sparkling houses and deer and golfers... hard to explain but pretty awesome and very Christmasy. Went to Old Salem and sampled their delicious pastries after driving to the top of Pilot Mountain. All in one day, believe it or not, and drove back home to good old NYC at 4:30am on Sunday.

Exhausted but still coherent I bartended for 5 hours with the promise that all tips would be donated to the Alzheimer's Association and we raised $200!! It was an awesome night but dammit if I wasn't a zombie when I hit the bed. Matt actually had to pull my shoes off me. I was that tired.

So, another ridiculous weekend complete I'm now back at work (at 10pm) writing this to pass the time so I can make up some time. My life is one consistent rush to tie up loose ends after another.

I'm off to Chicago this weekend for some shows and a Second City Workshop taught by Miss Skinner and myself. If you have friends out there why not send them the information below!

Hope you're having a great week.




I Eat Pandas comes to Chicago December 8th
Panda bears be warned - New York's favorite instant musical invades Chicago.

I Eat Pandas is not a carnivorous band of Panda-haters - they are a popular & critically acclaimed musical improv duo from New York City. On December 8th - 9th they'll bring their show to The Apollo Studio for only two performances.

I Eat Pandas is Glennis McMurray and Eliza Skinner - two NYC-based performers who create 3 spontaneous, sparkly musicals in under an hour. Using a large digital clock and unexplainable musical improv skills, they perform a 25 minute, 15 minute, and 5 minute musical all based on one audience suggestion. Since their first show 3 years ago at New York's Upright Citizens Brigade Theater they have played to sold-out houses and standing ovations all over the country. They were made a featured Critics Pick by Time Out NY's Jane Borden, who said,"You'll smile all the way home and sing their impromptu tunes in your sleep." The NY Daily News' Sean McCarthy went so far as to say "I Eat Pandas (is) the funniest improvised musical comedy duo either side of the Hudson." Alan Rosenberg of the Providence Journal wrote, "You can almost envision their work as being penned by some Off-Broadway luminary. Dilemma, humor, and resolution in a quarter of an hour-- all in time to music."

For the shows at the Apollo, I Eat Pandas will be accompanied by Mike Descoteaux of Second City. Opening the show will be a 15 minute stand-up set by Matt McCarthy. McCarthy is a regular on and was recently featured in the Just For Laughs Festival's "New Faces" series.

Shows will be on Saturday December 8th at 10:30, Sunday December 9th at 6pm at the Apollo Studio Theater (2540 North Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL 60614.) Tickets are $15 for adults, $10 for students. For tickets, please call (773) 935-6100.