Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Foga (Fake Yoga)

The other day Liz and I went to our gym and took a yoga class with a woman who looked like Faye Dunaway (see below) and I swear to you it was a fake yoga class.

It's so unfair having hilarious stuff happen in yoga class because it's completely silent and the teacher is watching you the whole time. Keeping from laughing was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Our teacher started in the front of the room and was stretching out. She kept going, "oooh! Ouch. Eeeesh. OK. Bad knees." She did that for about 5 minutes which made me question whether or not she was actually our teacher. Then she started the class and said, "Hello everyone. Welcome to yoga. You can call me Dharma. Or Helen. I answer to both."

What?? Oh god. Don't laugh, Glennis. Hold it together, champ.

I was fine. I just looked at the ground, made SURE I didn't look at Liz cuz then it would TRULY BE OVER. She told us to sit in the first pose and close our eyes. I did and the urge to laugh completely left me. Let's do some yoga!

So we're going through the poses and she's clipping right along (which I HATE) but whatever, it's fine. We do some weird laying-on-our-back-with-our-knees-over-our-head-and-to-the-side thing and I really am worried that we're gonna get up and find our teacher stuck in that position. I'd never before done that pose in yoga. I think she made it up. (Fake Yoga!)

Oh and you should know that the whole time this class is going on there's this music playing. It sounds like maybe her son or her husband made up some word that sounded foreign and put it to some foreign sounding music in Garageband because I SWEAR it was the funniest (fake yoga!) music I've ever heard. It was like, "Awoodeee Awooodee Awooodaaa Akeychain Atoytruck Awoodeeeeee" over and over to different melodies. It was AWESOME.

Ok so at one point, and here's where I truly almost lost it, we're sitting down in a weird wrappy position and she's talking about the different color auras (or something) our body parts radiate. She says, "your anus is red. your sex parts are orange" and after that I don't remember because I had to hide my face in my shirt to keep her from seeing the TEARS streaming down it.

Our anuses are RED, you guys! Oh god it's just so good.

So class is almost over and we're doing the quiet, meditative ending thing. She tells us to open our minds to the universe. Or psychic messages. Swear to god.

I loved this lady so much. I hated the class but DamnitJanet, I loved her!

Liz and I got up to leave the class and I was dying to joke with her about it. DYING. We were still in the room when I looked at her with an "oh my god!" face and she just whispers, "Save it. SAVE IT!" which of course kills me.

Needless to say I won't be taking that yoga class again. I loved the teacher but damn it you guys... I hate fake yoga (I liked the real stuff at OM yoga center. That place ROCKS but it's so expensive!).

Know what I don't hate?

You guys. You're REAL.





Liz said...

Dharmelen was referring to the color of our chakras when she started talking about our bums. I think she said "Your rectum is red...plant your rectum into the floor and align it with the orange of your sex parts". Planting your rectum. Now THAT'S what I call exercise.

Rivercrest said...

Reminds me of the Exotic Dancing Shakti described at:

Jeffrey Marx said...

You're right Glennis, I should have joined NYSC instead of Crunch...just for this class.