Da dada dada da da

That title is that annoying (i love it) theme song for Six Flags. You know, the one with the old "guy" dancing around in glasses?

I actually love that song. I know. You can stop talking to me any time. There is no accounting for my music tastes. I say I hate Fergie but when I'm driving in the car with my sis and it comes on I'll so dance to that shit. Why? Cuz she loves it. And I love her.

Right... so anyway.

You know how some people say "my life is a roller coaster right now!" Well I fucking relate, people! The reason "they" call it a roller coaster is because you can not STOP that shit. Seriously. Have you guys tried to stop a roller coaster? Were you successful? Stop lying! Stop it right now!

It's like this...

Wee! Happy times! Yay! Oh this is so much fun!! Whoa... what's happening. No, I don't like this part. Not one bit... I feel something coming on. I'm gonna try to stop it. Oh no! My attempts are futile! Why! What's going on! Oh NO I'M FUCKING SAD!!! WHAT?!?!

See? And you thought you were jealous of me. Ha! Ha!

Today I sat down, drank some coffee, put on my ipod on my fancy bose sound dock and this song by an artist my ex-step-dad gave me, Ohio, came on and... BUCKLE UP! I should write a song called tears in my coffee.

Maybe I need some medication. Oh wait I have it. IT'S CALLED VODKA! HA. (seriously, stage an intervention NOW. But wait... can you guys call that A&E show Intervention and get me on there? I promise I'll be the most entertaining drunk they've seen. I'll scream out, "I COULDA BEEEEEN SOMTHING! I COULDA BEEN HUGE!!" a lot. Sweet.)

Or maybe it's normal? Yeah it's normal to be sad. I know. I didn't say I was gonna like it. But I know it's something I have to get through.

Anyway, this is all way to personal for the general public. But maybe I'm like Oprah and someone will read this and be like "mmm. ok sister i'm right there. let it out! let! it! out!"

Oh jesus I'm retarded.

Bye. This needs to end now.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

PS-If you need a good sad album, listen to Ohio's album called "Over The Rhine."

Music Wrap Up!

Hey y'all. It's not yet the official end of the year so I still have time to post my best/worst list for HelloHilarious.com. It's all lady artists/music and I think it's a pretty hot list. Check it out here.

Also, if you have yet to listen to the new Ghostface album "More Fish" you are missing out. Great, great rap album. If you only download one song let it be "Greedy Bitches." That shit is HOT! Definitely my freedy song of the week.

On a personal note: When I knew I was going back to Durango for my visit I sent out a myspace message saying "hey Durango folks! Kelsey and I will be receiving people at Joel's at 9pm..." So I get to town, go to Joel's and "receive" people. Ha. Anyway... my great friend Ellie called me when I was at Joel's saying a bunch of other people were across the street at another bar and that I should stop by. Great! I went over and walked in and was received (not by Ellie and her table, but by another group of people standing closer to the door) with seriously lukewarm stares. "Oh... hi Glennis." Weird. But...whatever. Then a guy says, "what's up miss FAMOUS." And he meant it in a nice way, I think. Or not. But then said, "you have like 500 myspace friends!" and I was like "oh haha, yeah. I guess I know a lot of people with bands and shit." And then another girl looks at me, rolls her eyes and says, "Oh. Well I only accept people I know on MySpace."

Um... what happened here? Was I reading too much into that? Maybe. But it was the reception and the way she said it... it just felt icky. I had left my credit card at the other bar so I went back to get it and then ended up running into a ton of people and got caught up there the rest of the night.

I don't know y'all. I just don't know.

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up this summer, I think. Is that what part of it is going to be like?

Someone said to me, "Oh were these theatre people from high school?" and when I said yes they said, "oh they were just jealous."

And I said WELL OF COURSE THEY ARE JEALOUS. I AM THE FUCKING SHIT!!! BOOOYA!! SHAKE IT! SHAKE IT! YEAH UH YEAH!

But seriously... can we stop the hating on each other? For like two fucking seconds?

Oh also Beyonce's song Irreplaceable is SO GOOD. To the left, right guys!? Also, on the flight out for Christmas Kelsey and I watched Doogie Howser, Season 1. Um... yeah dudes. He was adorable for real. Adorably gay. But he totes liked his girl, Wanda! Oh man. Great show.

Ok I'm done. Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

Christmas Recap

I'm sitting in the airport in El Paso, TX. My sister's to my left. My backpack to my right. You guys, this was the longest short trip I've ever taken.

Let's start with the fact that this all began on Friday at 6am and is just now ending and I've had about 5 hours total to sit and do nothing. During which, I got sick. Now I'm better... my body knows I won't take that "sick" shit!!

Is it crazy that we drove to Durango, Colorado to visit my dad (a 6 1/2 hour drive) on the 23rd then drove back to NM the next day? I'm asking cuz I'm not sure. It felt crazy to me!

Oh but let me first say that I got some sweet gifts for Christmas. A new camera. Yay! It's cute and little and we call her Jolene. I also got the Paul Simon box set. Hooray! I got a subscription to Paste magazine from my awes sis and my fave perfume from L'Occitane. What a swell. Good gift year.

Hey guys guess how awesome Wal Mart is? SO AWESOME. I went in there for stemware for my ex step-dad and came out with 6 DVDs @ under $5 each. Come on! And they're not crap either. Check this out...

1. Beverly Hills Cop
2. Chris Rock Bigger and Blacker
3. Coming to America
4. Strange Brew
5. Risky Business
6. Sunset Boulevard

Tell me I didn't score. Just try it.

Picture this: It's Christmas Eve. My sister and I are like, "yo, we're gonna go watch Chris Rock in my bedroom." My mom goes, "watch it out here! we want to see it! we're cool!" No doubt do I think they are cool... my mom is very liberal. But do I want to watch CR drop the N bomb all over their living room on Christmas Eve? Notasomuch. Yeah, we totally watched it. It was fine until he started talking about licking balls. Then it was just too much for them. Maybe they'll listen to me next time. But I doubt it.

While in Durango I ran into a TON of people I went to high school with. Here are a few things you don't plan on. 1. Not remembering people's names. 2. Feeling like you're back in high school isn't my favorite feeling. 3. You get drunk a lot faster at 6,000 feet. (that last one only pertains to me)

Kelsey and I stayed out till about 2:30 on Saturday night in Durango. We then got up at 7am, went to breakfast and then drove the 6 1/2 hours back to Las Crucas, NM. Are we crazy? It might seem that way. It just might.

I also go to meet my friend Heidi's new baby Adwyn. What a HAPPY AND AWESOME BABY! Seriously. And it's amazing seeing Heidi as a mom. So at ease. So comfortable. It's just like it's meant to be, you know?

And it's making me think more about marriage... kids. Do I want that shit? Really? I don't know, dudes. The more I think about it the more I think I just want to make a shit load of money doing my own thing and have a bunch of cats. Right? You with me, NY ladies? No? Ok it's just me and you, kitties.

I paid $7 for this internet connection. I'm typing until my flight boards, bitches.

So let's recap here:

Friday 6am - wake up, get ready, leave for airport
10am - fly out of NY
1:30pm - arrive in El Paso
2:00pm - Picked up and driven back to Las Crucas
8:00pm - pass out from exhaustion
Saturday 5am - wake up, drive to Durango
1:30pm - arrive in Durango, lunch with Dad
5:00pm - dinner with ex step-dad
8:00pm - meet up with friends at Joel's
2:30am - home to bed
Sunday 7am - wake up, breakfast with friends (that's 5 hrs of sleep after a night of drinking... if you're keeping track)
10:30am - drive back to Las Crucas
5:30pm - arrive in LC
8:30pm - bed
Monday 9am - wake up
9:30 - open gifts
blahblahblahblah
9:00pm - bed
Tuesday 7:30am - wake up

AND THAT BRINGS US TO NOW. NON-STOP FUN!!

Our flight is boarding. We have to go. This trip ended with my mom not speaking to us. We're not sure why.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Love,

Glennis (& Kelsey)

Tiny Glennis

Well it's finally here. I'm almost off for my Christmas Holiday. Maybe it will be like the movie, "Holiday" and Jude Law will whisk me off my feet. Ewww... gross. He's a man whore.

Anyway, just in case anyone is worried about me I won't be flying anywhere near Denver. And Durango is about 8 hours away so hopefully we won't get hit at all.

And what's with this weather outside? Am I right? Spring in December? Scary stuff huh, Al Gore.

Ok I'm outahere! I might blog from there (who am I kidding, of course I will) but if not have a happy and safe and WONDERFUL HOLIDAY!!

Love,

Glennis


(Yes. This card is from last year. I was too lazy to make another.)

Dreamssszzzzz...

I talk a lot about sleep. Or lack of sleep, really. I can't remember the last time I slept really, really well. No wait. I do remember. It was about a year ago. All I remember is that I had rehearsal for a Pearl Brunswick show and I was on FIRE. I was so fucking funny and energetic and I felt AMAZING. And... yeah. That's the last time.

So you know how people say you can't "catch up" on sleep? I know there are conflicting views on this but I tend to be of the "ya can't" party. I think my troubles really started about 4 years ago when I met my ex. He lived like a night owl, I lived like a girl working 3 days a week (starting at 7:30 am) and I accomodated to fit his schedule. And quite honestly I have never quite caught up. I know that sounds ridiculous but we're gonna go with that theory.

Another reason I have a terrible time sleeping is dreams. And this is the most frustrating part because I can not do anything about them. The other night I had one of the worst dreams I've had in a while (yes, worse than being shot in the head). It happened over and over (probably 4 times but it felt like 50) and every time I'd wake up I was SO SCARED. It was nothing, really. I was in a room with doors and it was light and then suddenly it would go pitch black and hands would come out and start grabbing me. It was so realistic I just got a chill thinking about it.

If only I could sell tickets to my dreams. I'd be a millionaire. It was honestly scarier than any horror movie I've seen.

Sometimes my dreams are great like when I used to have epic dreams with amazing, brilliant colors where I'd be one a boat going around the world with little people. I must have been happier back then...

maybe?

Are dreams directly related to how we're doing in the non-dream world?

I never saw "The Science of Sleep" but I bet I'd love it. Maybe I'll rent that for the plane ride home.

That reminds me... one time I took my laptop on the plane to watch a movie and brought Y Tu Mamá También. It was awkward. Remember how often they're naked in that movie? The dude in the seat next to me (some old dude with a side-part) was either really turned on or really uncomfortable. I hope it was the latter.

I never, ever sit next to anyone good on airplanes. Like some person who has really interesting stories or someone who knows a gal I went to high school with.

I'm getting off track.

Dreams.

Right. So my question is... how do I make my dreams go away? Or at least make them more pleasant. I'm already in therapy and I'm not holding anything back. So what's the deal? Or are dreams something you need to listen to and learn from? Or maybe nightmares exist so you can wake up and be like "wow! I'm so lucky! No one is scooping my eyes out with acorn shells!"

Or maybe it's that the only tv shows I watch are "Dr. 90210," "Trauma: Life in the ER," "ER" (I know, I know... who watches ER anymore. Me.) "Law & Order" and "Scooping Eyes Out With Acorn Shells." That last show is in pre-production.

Maybe I need to start watching happier shit.

I really want to see Charlotte's Web and The Pursuit of Happyness. Even if it drives me nuts that they spell Happyness weird. Those movies look cute. A good cry, perhaps. No nightmares. I'll save them for being home for Christmas.

I'm trying not to be a scrooge about the "C" word. I can't wait to see my mom, dad, step-dad, ex step-dad, my friends and Heidi, Dan and their new baby. See? I'm not so dead inside.

Seriously, how can someone who loves puppies, babies and tadpoles hate Christmas so much?

I'm done rambling. Christmas is great.

Have a good day, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Last night someone said I looked like a Guiness. 1) because I was drinking Guiness and 2) because I had on all black and I have blonde hair. Hilarious.

What I Like

And now it's time for a list of things Glennis likes.

1. The show Intervention
Guys, I don't know if you've yet to see this show but it's amazing. They start the show by saying, "This is Glennis. She agreed to be in a documentary about addiction. She doesn't know she will soon face an intervention." My intervention would be about food, naturally. Not that I eat too much, necessarily (although I can pack it away) but that I think about it too much. In the way that when I'm sitting down to eat a meal I'll be all, "Hey guys know what I love? Macaroni & Cheese with hot dogs cut up in it. Right? Mmmmm... this is good pizza. What should I eat for dinner later tonight? Sushi, right? Guys?" Intervention is like that except these people are fuuuucked up. Watch it if you enjoy seeing people at their worst and the family being destroyed by them. I know I do! It's on A&E Sundays at 10.

2. The movie Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny
Both Eliza and I agreed after seeing this movie that whoever did the marketing for it should have been SHOT. The movie is great and hilarious and SO much better than I thought it would be. Seriously. I laughed so hard. Also, we got this huge combo with medium drinks and a TUB of popcorn and I thought the popcorn was stale so Eliza goes, "throw it away! they said, 'free refills'!" So I threw it out, took my empty bucket up to the counter and said, "I finished my popcorn. Can I have more?" The dude looked at me and goes, "here you go, sweetheart" like he was saying, "aww... feed that sadness." We ate like an inch of popcorn and the rest went to waste.

3. Ray Lamontagne
He's this singer my friend Lauren introduced me to. He sings these songs that evoke such strong emotions in me. I listened to the song "Empty" a lot when going through my break up. You know... cuz sometimes you just need to listen to sad songs and cry (while eating cheese-covered foods). Anyway, I went to his concert at The Beacon the other night with Marcy. First of all, why does he have the douchiest fans ever? Like I seriously had "Two A-holes at a Concert" sitting in front of me. You can't sit still for two seconds? Oh no? You have to lean over and whisper something to your girlfriend again? Oh ok... but that's the last time, right? No? You're gonna do it throughout the ENTIRE CONCERT? Ok. But that's it right? No? You're going to get up one at a time to smoke pot in the bathroom? And you're going to check your cell phone every two seconds? And when I tell you to "shhh" you're going to say something like "EVERYTHING OK BACK THERE" instead of being polite and SHUTTING THE FUCK UP!?! Awesome. Throughout the concert people would randomly yell, "Crazy!" at Ray because he recorded a cover of Gnarles Barkley's song. Seriously like every break he had. And here's the thing about seeing him live. He seriously POURS HIS HEART out with each song. And he's so meek and timid and doesn't talk between songs and I love him so much. So finally toward the end of the show he goes, "I wish you guys would stop asking me for that song. I didn't write it." And boy did I ever call that because 10 minutes earlier I said to Marcy, "I bet he HATES that they're asking for that song. Jerks." So Ray, I know you won't read this, but I want you to know that on behalf of New York, I'm sorry we're such douchebags. I enjoyed your concert so much. (You can check his stuff out at www.raylamontagne.com.)

4. Christmas
Oh no... wait. I HATE CHRISTMAS. Bet you didn't see that coming!! I just told my sister that I was going to convert to Jehovah's Witness so I don't have to celebrate anymore (except I'd still totes get blood transfusions). Christmas is just too stressful. Maybe I'll love it when I have kids. I SAID MAYBE.

5. Bliss Facials
I just got a gift certificate from my boss! Yay! I love Christmas!

6. Sparkle Tanks from Old Navy
Check them out! $8.00?? Come on. You can't get anything for $8 these days! I have to say, though, that I bought one in the store and it was more expensive. But I'm wearing it today and it looks HOT.

7. My roommate Jeff
Seriously. Such a great roommate. I'm the kind of person that will be like, "Ug. This is annoying. This problem right here. It's annoying. Oh well." But not Jeff! He goes, "what can we do to fix this problem!?" He installed a new shower head and I think that's about all he needed to do to be in my good graces forever.

8. My Office Holiday Party


9. My New Coat from H&M
It's really nice.

10. You

Have a great day.

Love,

Glennis

Super Duper

I heard this morning on NY1 that Peter Boyle died (from multiple myeloma and heart disease) on Tuesday and I got so sad. I remember being little and watching Young Frankenstein and immitating his Puttin' on the Ritz scene ad nauseam. It was the funniest thing my young mind had ever seen and since then I've totally been in love with Peter Boyle. I even watched Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah. I loved him that much.

(Ok, ELR isn't THAT bad. It's just a little annoying what with the nagging and the whining and the bickering and such. Laaady.)

Peter had a career that spanned 42 years and was in another of my favorite movies "Johnny Dangerously."

I think it's especially sad for me because my dad was the one who had me watch Young Frankenstein.

Sad, sad times. He will be missed.



More later.

Love,

Glennis

The Biggest Moron

Sometimes, guys, sometimes I wish my office was on a TV show called, "The Biggest Moron." If that were the case I know who would win. I can say whatever I want on here because I doubt this lady knows how to get online, let alone do a simple google search.

I really hate to be mean. No. No I don't. She's a moron. I love this.

First of all, can we just discuss the fact that she wears a fountain-pony on the top of her head? Yeah, I wore those too.


When I was 4.
(That's me when I was a baby. My hair was a little darker. Cute, right?)

Second, every time she calls me it goes like this:

(Phone rings)

ME
This is Glennis

HER
Oh...Uh... Glennis?

ME
Yes. This is Glennis.

HER
Oh. Hi.

ME
CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING??

HER
Yeah um... Glennis?

ME
YES! YES! FUCK! YES! THIS IS GLENNIS! WHAT?!?!

God! Seriously so annoying!

But today was the moment where I was like, "how do you work here?" I went upstairs to cover a break for her.

HER
Are you going to that dinner?

ME
What dinner?

HER
Oh I mean lunch.

ME
What lunch?

HER
The years of service lunch or something... Oh have you worked here for over 20 years?

ME
(blank stare)
Seriously?

HER
Oh yeah... probably not huh.

ME
Wait... seriously?

Then I swung her over my head by her stupid fountain ponytail. SERIOUSLY! YOU ARE 40! STOP WEARING A FUCKING FOUNTAIN-PONY ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD!!

Ug, sorry guys. Wow. So much anger here! Right here... in my knee.

I'm sure I'll have some great stories to tell on Friday since our office holiday party is tomorrow night. Here's something: the holiday party cost more than I make in a year! Fun fact! Also, there's an open martini bar. Hello!

I'm gonna look preeeetty. Drunk.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Raleigh-wood

First, come see my show tonight! I'm hosting that shit with Kate T-to-the-ellers and I'll be wearing a bridesmaid dress and we'll be dancing and acting retarded. Best show description ever! (Oh and the show's at 8pm. I left that off the postcard.)

There will be hilarious stories told by:

Katina Corrao!
John Flynn!
Margot Leitman!
Giulia Rozzi!
&
Matt Stinton!
(and of course me and the lovely Kate)

You should come!


This picture was taken at the end of the night of my friend Betsy and Ari's wedding. Kate and I got high with the groom and, I think, his mom. Then I had a giggle attack in the lobby and this happened:


SO. HIGH.

Listen dudes. There's nothing at all wrong with pot smoking at a wedding. It's not like I brought that shit.

Moving on...

Eliza and I took I Eat Pandas to Raleigh this past weekend. The lovely people from ComedyWorx saw our Del Close show (standing O, bitches!) and asked us to come out to Raleigh. It's kind of my favorite thing ever; being brought out to do shows in different areas of the country. Wish it was my only job sometimes.

The people of NC were GREAT to us. Sweet Richard who drove us around, the guys and gals who took our workshop, the dudes who put on a great ComedyWorx show before ours. I also got to meet sweet Megan who reads my blog! I asked her to come out for drinks with us after the show... surprise she's only 18! Way to go, Glennis. First you put on a dirty show for her & her folks, then you try to corrupt her with the booze. Don't do it, Megan. Stay clean! Don't end up like me!!



I have to say our show was "good" but when we've had "GREAT" shows it always feels a little "ehn." I was SO tired and Eliza had a sore throat. I think that's pretty much the same thing. It's like knowing you can do something but you're not able to. So frustrating! But all the same it was a great show. My favorite of our 3 musicals (all based on the suggestion "Deliverance") was our last in which (because we were both SO EXHAUSTED) we played two city-folk sitting in a truck driving in the country. We're just talking and all the sudden Travis plays spooky music and I go, "Oh shit! There's a man in the back of our truck!" and Eliza says, "What's he doing!?" and I say, "He's just standing there!" which of course made us giggle because she thought he was standing INSIDE the truck and then we turned him into a 3 foot tall man who was really a baby doll who she carried around with her to help ease the pain of having accidentally killed her kids. We look so innocent and yet we get SO FREAKIN DARK. I kinda love that.

Anyway, you had to be there. That was a terrible description of the show. It really was a pretty ok show, if I do say so myself.

We stayed at the Days Inn and I have to say, not my favorite place I've ever stayed. The entire building smelled like the inside of a cigarette. And, now listen... I've stayed in hotels before. Never once have I had someone not accommodate me with a late checkout time. When I called Sunday morning to see if we could check out at 1:00 the man behind the counter said, "Oh no! No! Sunday! Very busy! Veeeery busy!" Ok dude, chill out. So we were out by 11:30 (he gave us a 1/2 hour). We walk out to the front desk to check out and I swear to you guys this was the parking lot.


I no get it.

So that was Raleigh. Really a great time! I took 4 pictures. Here's one of them.



Last night I went to the Ars Nova holiday prom/show/drunkfest. It was open bar. Do I need to say more?

Eliza and I took a prom photo together. It's not online yet but when it is I'll share that shit. You know how I roll.

I had a breakthrough in therapy. I'm not gonna broadcast that shit on here cuz that's NOT how I roll (who am I kidding... I'm just too tired to type any more) but let me just say it was great and terrible all at once. I was SOBBING. Wow. So, if I haven't said it enough GET IN THERAPY. NOW. And stay in it for at least a year. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just me.

Also, just in case you think I was kidding about the dude with poop-hand... let me assure you I wasn't. Most terrible/awesome/hilarious thing ever.

Ok I have to go. I'm about to vomit.

I hope you guys can make it to my show tonight!

Love,

Glennis

Sometimes...

Sometimes you're walking down the street behind a dude and you think to yourself, "hey that guy's kinda cute... from the back" and then you think, "and he's listening to music. Look at him bopping along. He really likes his music!" And then you walk a little further behind this guy and he reaches around and scratches his ass. Inside his pants.

And pulls out a hand covered in shit.

Oh. He's high as a fucking kite and he's crapped his pants.

Yeah.

Small Town, Girl

Hey guys!

I'll be heading to North Carolina tomorrow!

Eliza and I are going out there to do a show (I Eat Pandas, natch) at the Comedyworx Theatre. If you have friends out there let them know we're coming! I was just having coffee with my friend who, when I told him about this, he picked up the phone and called his friend who lives out there and told him to come to our show. How nice is that? Don't you guys want to be nice, too?

I really love traveling. And traveling to perform is even better. And being paid to do it?? Can't be that with a stick! Eliza used to travel a lot with CCL but she still loves it. Every time we go somewhere we immediately scope out the nearest mall and spend hours buying t-shirts from Delia's (Sorry, Jen!) we don't need.

My favorite part of traveling to different cities (aside from eating at diners for every meal) is how appreciative the audiences are. New York audiences are great but there's nothing like a smaller town to boost the old ego. ComedyWorx has already been so amazing. They even created a music video to promote our show! (You can see it here.)

I realize Raleigh isn't a "small town" but I'm really excited to go there and get that "small town" audience vibe from them.

It's about 7 degrees inside my room so I think I'll go to the gym and get hot and sweaty. That should make things better. Does sweat freeze faster than water?

Have a great weekend, you guys!

Love,

Glennis


Yay! We're going to Raleigh!

Me Singing!

Hey lovelies! I hope you guys are having a nice end/start to your day. I'm CRASHING.

SO. TIRED.

I just wanted to plug a little show I'm doing this Friday night. It's super fun! Here's the info!

WHEN: Friday 12/8 at 10pm

WHERE: Gotham City Improv, 48 West 21st Street, 8th Floor

HOW MUCH: Tickets: $5

WHO'S IN THIS THING? Tara Copeland, Daniel Glover, Glennis McMurray, John O'Donnell, & Eliza Skinner. Musical director/accompanist: Frank Spitznagel

John O'Donnell says: "Please note that Gotham City Improv is NOT Gotham Comedy Club. Don't confuse the two!"

John's a cutie.

See you there!

Love,

Glennis

Equations!

I woke up in the BEST MOOD EVER THIS MORNING. Holy crap! I don't know why! I have so much to blog about! I don't know where to begin!

(I know you're all thinking, "Someone got laid last night." Um no. Ok? That's not the ONLY thing that makes Glennis happy. Ok? It's ONE of the things. But not the only. I am typing SO FAST! I HAD SO MUCH COFFEE!!)

Ok so FIRST. Here's an equation for you. Me + Liz + Gym = Hilarious Business. First, I forgot to tell you one other funny thing that happened the day we took the FakeYoga class. We're downstairs checking in and I ask the lady behind the counter where the yoga studio is. She says, "It's all the way up. Buuuut you might wanna take the elevator cuz das a lot uv stairs." Ummmm... we're at a GYM! What if we took the elevator up to the top to avoid the stairs so we could climb the stairmaster? Hahaha. I love that lady.

Ok so yesterday Liz and I are at the gym again (we did an hour of cardio, bitches! I'm gonna be Madonna in no time!) and we go to the changing room to get... well, changed. Now for the men out there you should know that women do indeed get naked in the changing room. And sometimes women walk around naked. And sometimes they touch. No no, just kidding. But women do stand around. I've been in locker rooms where women have stood there fully naked blow drying their hair (ALL their hair, if you hear me barkin) for 20 minutes or so. Whatevs. Not my thang but you go ahead, sister. But yesterday, so we're standing there getting changed and this girl comes over to where we're standing. She is buck-ass naked. Standing around just, you know, chillin. And I'm trying not to look even though I could reach over and smack her on the tit I'm so close, but you know it's hard when someone is naked right there in yer face! So I am putting my stuff back into my backpack and I'm crouched down on the floor (and fully clothed) and I look up and she's standing there right in front of me and I swear to god... there's a tampon string hanging out her cooch. Ok so liiiisten. Standing around naked? Fine. Blow drying hair naked? Fine. Weighing yourself naked? Totes fine! Standing 3 feet away from my face naked with a fucking TAMPON STRING hanging out yer chachki??? NO. Fucking NO.

Ok so Liz and I of course walk out of the dressing room and start "holy shit!"ing about the whole thing. Sigh. I heart Liz.

LAST NIGHT...

Let's talk about last night. First of all I saw Stickerbook perform and holy shit I am so in love with those girls. I mean, I'm in love with them anyway cuz they're amazing people and good friends, but honestly... I WANT TO DO IT WITH STICKERBOOK. SO GREAT. GOD.

After the show (which was at Mo Pitkins and was packed, natch) we went to Jen Hammaker's house for a Christmas gathering which featured not one, not two, not THREE, but 7 different types of cookies! I sampled each one and I have to say my favorites were the green ones. I brought wine and realized that I pick out wine based on how pretty the label is. Which doesn't always work out! But it's ok. It did the job, right guys?? RIGHT. And then I made Jen put on some karaoke and I sang two songs, neither of which I can remember right now and neither of which I knew the words to. So Eliza sat on the couch near me and mouthed the words to me. It was kind of one of those perfect moments you know? One of those moments where everyone wants you to shut up but you don't? Yeah.

We'll skip over the part where I totes got rejected by Sue's cousin...

And go right to the palm reading!

We're leaving the party and I'm walking out with one of my favoritest peoples of all time, Erin Rose Foley (or as I like to call her ROFO) and there's a palm reader downstairs outside of Jen's apartment. I say to everyone "ooh! let's go get our palms read!" and every one's like "shhhh" except ROFO who's like "I WILL DO THIS WITH YOU" (which is why I luuuuv her!)

OK

Oh man.

So...

I ring the bell. I turn around to make sure ROFO is still with me and when I turn back around my first thought is "holy shit!" cuz a little girl about 5 years old is running full force toward the door and I'm like "that palm reader is tiny and going to bite my calves!" (I have this terrible, terrible fear of people/animals biting my calves.) So I get a little freaked out but just for like .25 of a second until I realize that she's a little girl and the real palm reader walks out. And now I present to you, in one act...

THE PALM READING
by Glennis McMurray

PALM READER
Come in.

GLENNIS
Heeeey.

PALM READER
What would you like?

GLENNIS
My palm read.

ERIN
Yeah.

PALM READER
Sit down. Palm is $5 and really is not very extensive. 1/2 deck of cards is pretty good and is $25 but a full deck of cards now that's the big enchilada supreme chimichanga.

GLENNIS
How much?

PALM READER
$50

GLENNIS
Let's go palm reading.

PALM READER
Why don't you get a full deck of cards?

GLENNIS
Why don't you... sorry... never mind. Just palm read, yo.

ERIN
(Standing to the side. The little girl runs out with a cell phone. Erin takes out her cell phone and they have a pretend conversation.)

PALM READER
(looking at my palm)
You have a long life line. You will live to be 85. You are in love right now?

GLENNIS
No.

PALM READER
You will be married by the time you are 28. How old are you?

GLENNIS
27

ERIN
(Still playing the cell phone game with the little girl. The little girl runs away back behind the curtain leading to their house.)

LITTLE GIRL
*THUD!*
wwwwwaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

PALM READER
You will marry someone who starts with J.

(The little girl is still crying.)

PALM READER
Are you planning on...baby are you ok in there?...traveling soon? I see sunny weather.

(The little girl is WAILING at this point)

GLENNIS
Ummm... maybe... Miami (TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH).

PALM READER
Yes I see... baby? you ok?... I'm sorry one second.

(I MEAN THE KID IS SCREAMING AT THIS POINT AND ERIN AND I ARE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH. She goes behind the curtain and we are DYING. I hear her coming back so I have to pull it together.)

PALM READER
Sorry. You really should get the full deck reading. This one, not so good.

GLENNIS
How about no?

PALM READER
Ok you are done.

Ok and then Erin gets her palm read (this is the shittiest play ever, sorry! I might still be drunk!) and I'm standing by the curtain that leads into their house and I hear something banging on the floor so I open the curtain and look in and the little girl is playing in a DRAWER. ON THE FLOOR. FILLED WITH UNDERWEAR. I swear to god! I was DYING. And, oh... and Erin said that when I was getting my reading the tv was on in the other room and there was a cartoon on that kept making fart sounds. It was so fucking funny!

OMG I wish you guys had been there. I hope Erin comments with more details I left out.

Was this entry long enough!?

Oh, one more thing! My friend Lindy wrote me this email and said the simplest thing and it just made my brain go "YES!". She goes, "I had a teacher who said that the purpose of life is...get this... to enjoy every moment."

I mean I've heard it, thought it, read it 100 times. But for some reason reading that made me god "AH HA!" It was like one of those Oprah light bulb moments.

So that's my plan, stan. (Hi, Stan!) And if you don't like it then you can just sit on it. And I will enjoy that moment that you sit on it.

Oh... one last equation:

Glennis + 3 glasses of wine + 1 beer + 5 hours of sleep = BEST MOOD EVER.

I LOVE EVERYTHING!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I took this picture this morning walking down Christopher Street. Yes, that's a wig. Someone had a good night!!

Dunkin' D Theatre

Open on: Dunkin' Donuts. Glennis is standing in line behind a sassy black woman wearing fucking awesome boots.

DUNKIN DARLA
Can I help you?

BOOTS E. COLLINS
Can I have a large black tea?

DUNKIN DARLA
Coffee?

BOOTS E. COLLINS
Black tea.

DUNKIN DARLA
Black tea. You want sugar?

BOOTS E. COLLINS
Seven.

DUNKIN DARLA
Two sugars?

BOOTS E. COLLINS
Seven sugars.

DUNKIN DARLA
Seven sugars?

BOOTS E. COLLINS
Yeah.

DUNKIN DARLA
OK.

THE END

PS - Blogger won't upload photos or I'd have some awesome pics to go along with this. Maybe I'll update later.

Love,

Glennis

Robot Sounds

I logged on to blogger.com again just to post this. You guys need to check out my friend Birch's blog. It's probably the funniest thing I've read online... ever? It makes me have to cover my mouth so I don't make laughing noises at work when I read it. Birch (Harmes) is one of those rare talented, nice, amazing, brilliant, hilarious people you only read about. And I know him!

www.beepboop.org

Check it out, please. It would be my blog of the week if I did that sort of thing.

Love,

Glennis

Cold Tits

Good Morning!!

Hope you guys are doing well out there in the world!

A few things today. First, check out this website for my friend Kristian. Not only does he know a shit load about music, but he posts MP3s of rare tracks from some great bands that you can download for free. What's better than that? Go to www.thepunkguy.com. He writes to "you" just like I do. Cute!

Second...

Seriously, how are you guys? It's winter here in New York which means my tits are freezing every time I step outside. Maybe I should get thicker bras? Wool?

I'm broke. Totes broke. I spend money like it's tequila and I'm a thirsty frat boy. I need to work on that. Big times. I talked to my therapist about my terrible spending habits and she had a good point. If I'm not in debt and what I'm spending my money on makes me happy then what's the problem? And I, of course, say, "well everyone else..." and then stop right there. Who cares what everyone else is doing, right?

I have decided, however, that I'd like to take my sweet behind on a fancy vacation. I went to Puerto Rico and yeah I guess that was nice but I really want to go somewhere amazing. Like Italy. I can just imagine what Italy would be like in my head (it mostly includes sexy men ravaging me the minute I step off the plane) and I think it would be perfect.

I was going to go to the Amalfi Coast in Italy for my honeymoon. There's a little piece of Glennis Trivia for you guys. The pictures are amazing.

Amazing, right?

Someday!

So let's see here, what else.

I don't want to jinx myself but I'm kind of sort of getting a roll going on my gym visits. I've decided that the gym is my new boyfriend. It's so hard being with someone almost every day (or at least speaking to them every day whenever you want) and then all at once it's cut off. Cold Turkey, right John Lennon? It's hard! Must be like smoking. Just OOOOONE more phone call! Last one! I swear! God I stink of phone calls to my ex. But anyway, so I've decided that my new boyfriend is Mr. NYSC. I kinda sort wish it was Mr. Crunch because I liked that atmosphere better, but Liz is a fan of Mr. NYSC and her approval means a lot to me. She hangs out with me and my new boyfriend all the time. Tonight we're both gonna get hot and sweaty with him at 41st and 3rd. Rrrreow.

Speaking of Liz, I had a bday party for her at my house on Friday. Amazing times. We made a martini that knocked my boots off. Ginger Martinis. We (Liz) made ginger syrup which consisted of 3 cups water with 1 1/2 cups of sugar brought to a boil with some sliced ginger. Then you strain the ginger pieces out and let it cool. Put 4 parts vodka to 1 part syrup, shake it up, pour it in a glass and then add ginger ale. It's so GOOD. And it did the job!


Shhhh. Don't tell anyone.


I'm drunk!

Also, I made another recipe from Ms. Amy Sedaris' book... a cheese ball!


I'm a real, live cooker woman!

It was kind of the best thing I've ever tasted. But then again when you roll cheese and butter up into a ball your bound to have greatness. Or a coronary.

Also, I saw Casino Royal this weekend. Holy hotness. Hello, Daniel Craig.



And jesus H... that movie was long. But so good! Go see it! The opening chase is worth it alone. Wow!

So, I guess that's about it for me. I'm starting to worry that you guys will begin to plan an intervention on my behalf because all I ever post are drunk-ass pictures of me or talk about drinking. Go ahead. Stage one. It'll show me how much you care. (and then we can all go get pitchers after)

That reminds me of one last thing. Pitchers make me think of Kate and how we used to always get pitchers of beer at McManus on 19th. Whenever I'm out with her and we're eating and drinking at a pub I ask for a menu, look it over, order the turkey club with fries and then Kate says, "why do you even ask for a menu?" It makes me giggle.

All right lovers. Get your asses to the gym so we can all be fit and healthy when Summer rolls around again. Cuz it will. It always does.

Love,

Glennis

Wonsastrous

I started talking to Jen yesterday about my Yoga entry. She mentioned what a great/terrible feeling it is being in a situation where you KNOW you can't laugh out loud which makes the urge to laugh even worse. It really is one of those wonderful/disastrous situations. Wonsastrous.

I started thinking about more of those situations I'd been in and then a terrible memory popped in my head. It's probably not something that happened solely to me, but it makes me feel shitty when I think about it. I laughed on 9/11. I got overwhelmed and when the towers fell, I laughed. And here's something else you'll want to judge me for... my ex-fiance was IN THE BUILDING. Yep. I'm a terrible human.

(he lived. and then I broke his heart! yay! i rule!)

I was walking to meet a friend for lunch yesterday and while standing, waiting to cross the street, a woman started to step out in traffic early and almost got hit by a car. Very close. And in my head (because I'm sick) I imagined her stepping out and instead of safely moving out of the way, she got smashed into. And the image was so real in my mind (because who hasn't seen that on tv) that the same urge started to come over me. The urge to laugh.

This isn't "Holy shit that's fuuuuuunny!" laughter, I'm sure you realize. This is "I'm too overwhelmed to properly deal with this!" laughter.

This is a terrible attribute to have, you guys!

I was able to cover my laughter up to look like crying when I was standing next to my ex's mother the moment we thought he was dead forever. (Dead forever? Not just for a little while?) But what if... ok so what if I lose my arms at some point in my life? I'm stuck in another terrible situation where everyone else is screaming and crying and I start to laugh uncontrollably and I have no arms to cover my face!? Then what!?

Holy shit...

Please, someone else out there tell me that you've been in the same situation.

And that's all. For today. Maybe.

Try not to judge too hard.

Love,

Glennis

Sleepy Bighead

Borrowing a note from Eliza's midnight diary, I recorded a snippet of myself at my most tired (tiredest?) point of the week; tonight. This will be a weekly occurrence from now on. What if I'm wrong and I'm more tired at another point in the week? Well then you guys get another video. These are easy cuz I take them with my camera. No, not my video camera. My photo camera.



It's a good thing I've got a killer personality. I have a HUGE head.

Love,

Glennis

Foga (Fake Yoga)

The other day Liz and I went to our gym and took a yoga class with a woman who looked like Faye Dunaway (see below) and I swear to you it was a fake yoga class.



It's so unfair having hilarious stuff happen in yoga class because it's completely silent and the teacher is watching you the whole time. Keeping from laughing was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Our teacher started in the front of the room and was stretching out. She kept going, "oooh! Ouch. Eeeesh. OK. Bad knees." She did that for about 5 minutes which made me question whether or not she was actually our teacher. Then she started the class and said, "Hello everyone. Welcome to yoga. You can call me Dharma. Or Helen. I answer to both."

What?? Oh god. Don't laugh, Glennis. Hold it together, champ.

I was fine. I just looked at the ground, made SURE I didn't look at Liz cuz then it would TRULY BE OVER. She told us to sit in the first pose and close our eyes. I did and the urge to laugh completely left me. Let's do some yoga!

So we're going through the poses and she's clipping right along (which I HATE) but whatever, it's fine. We do some weird laying-on-our-back-with-our-knees-over-our-head-and-to-the-side thing and I really am worried that we're gonna get up and find our teacher stuck in that position. I'd never before done that pose in yoga. I think she made it up. (Fake Yoga!)

Oh and you should know that the whole time this class is going on there's this music playing. It sounds like maybe her son or her husband made up some word that sounded foreign and put it to some foreign sounding music in Garageband because I SWEAR it was the funniest (fake yoga!) music I've ever heard. It was like, "Awoodeee Awooodee Awooodaaa Akeychain Atoytruck Awoodeeeeee" over and over to different melodies. It was AWESOME.

Ok so at one point, and here's where I truly almost lost it, we're sitting down in a weird wrappy position and she's talking about the different color auras (or something) our body parts radiate. She says, "your anus is red. your sex parts are orange" and after that I don't remember because I had to hide my face in my shirt to keep her from seeing the TEARS streaming down it.

Our anuses are RED, you guys! Oh god it's just so good.

So class is almost over and we're doing the quiet, meditative ending thing. She tells us to open our minds to the universe. Or psychic messages. Swear to god.

I loved this lady so much. I hated the class but DamnitJanet, I loved her!

Liz and I got up to leave the class and I was dying to joke with her about it. DYING. We were still in the room when I looked at her with an "oh my god!" face and she just whispers, "Save it. SAVE IT!" which of course kills me.

Needless to say I won't be taking that yoga class again. I loved the teacher but damn it you guys... I hate fake yoga (I liked the real stuff at OM yoga center. That place ROCKS but it's so expensive!).

Know what I don't hate?

You guys. You're REAL.

xoxo

Love,

Glennis

She's Ma Best Frend

I see this commercial all the time and absolutely LOVE it in the worst way. The accents are hilariously terrible. I searched for it on You Tube but I'm assuming it's not there since I did every variation of "terrible accents/commercial" I could think of. The commercial is for pennytalk.com and I literally sat in front of my tv with my camera and recorded it. And I think you can hear me crack up a little at the end.

So please...

enjoy.



Love,

Glennis

Rap Superstar

I mean... you guys. I kind of rule!

Ok, I didn't WIN last night. But I didn't back out of the show (which, trust me, I was strongly considering) so in my eyes I DID win!

I rapped about Gwen Stefani, my imaginary gay boyfriend, taking my opponent on a unicorn to a castle and braiding his hair. The usual stuff. I was not a MEAN rapper. I was a terribly hilarious rapper and that's ALL I COULD ASK FOR.

Seriously, the next time they do this show (probably January) you must attend. Eliza is a killer host and Shockwave, as always, drops the mad beats! (gross, Glennis)

I have to give a special thanks to my little sis, her boyfriend and their friends for coming and drunkenly screaming for me. I doubt I would have made it past round 1 had you not been there. <3 <3 <3

Oh and Thanksgiving was GREAT. I got to hang with an awesome family, drink wine, play with a 4 year old (legos are so fun you guys!) and, on the car ride back to the train, I got high! Ah yes, the ending all holidays should have. I hope you all had great Thanksgivings as well.

Now I'm either going to write for my class tomorrow... or go see The Departed. How much do you want to bet it's the laaatter!??? I love procrastinating.

Have a great weekend!!

Love,

Glennis

Mad Skillz!

Yo!

Ima be in a rap battle tonight!

Beatdown
hosted by Eliza Skinner & Shockwave
Mo Pitkin's
34 Avenue A (btwn 2nd & 3rd Streets)
Pre-show at 10pm
Battle starts at 11pm
$7



Peace!

Glennis

T-Day

Hey there... what's going on?

Why are you reading my blog? It's Thanksgiving. Are you tried of your family already? I get it, guys. My sister...boy what an asshole. (i can say this because her wakeup text to me was "Happy Thanksgiving, asshole!"

Well... since you're here, avoiding your Uncle Harry, let's talk.

I had an amazing night of sleep. I'm feeling very rested! Amazing yes? I'm on the LIRR and we got primo seats facing each other. I'm just jammin out to my boyfriend JT's CD. Justified...rockin it old school on TDay.

I bought a bunch of wine because one should never ever show up empty handed to someone's house. Why, Brandon even brought flowers when I had a party. He knows the rules I tell ya.

Well, this typing while riding is making the sauseggchz turn in my tummy so I better run.

I hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving and remember everything you're thankful for. You know... aside from my blog.

Love,

Glennis

My Friend Flickr

Ahhh... that title felt nice.

You guys, I'm totes obsessed with flickr.com. I was already obsessed with taking pictures of (me) events (me), friends (me), parties (me), etc... (ME) but I got annoyed that when you upload pictures to kodakgallery.com or snapfish.com they reduce the size of the image. Also, those dbags at snapfish.com keep sending me emails saying they're going to erase my account and all the photos if I don't place an order. WTF? Jerks.

So now I'm on flickr. And I'm OBSESSED.

I am organizing, titling, describing, tagging, sharing, favoriting all over the place! It's become so bad that even when I have work to do I'll instad go to flickr to tag more of my photos.

Speaking of photos, my camera's lcd screen just broke. It flickr'd out. I might ask for a new digital camera for Christmas. Any suggestions?

Ug...

I'm feeling a little blue today. Only because it's almost a holiday and holidays really get me down. Always have. I feel all this stress and pressure and can't just enjoy them. And this is the first Thanksgiving I'm "alone" in a long time. Even if my ex never wanted to spend Christmas with me (until I pushed and pushed... and PUSHED) he at least was around for Thanksgiving. Not that I'm without a place to go! My lovely, beautiful little sister and her boyfriend (that she lives with... I'm such a loser) invited me to tag along to his parent's house in Long Island. So... yes, I'll have a place to go and amazing food (and wine, I bet) but it's not the same.

Wow, what's up with that? I just got so depressing! Please ignore me.

And have a great Turkey day, you gobblers.

Love,

Glennis

Everybody's Workin' for the Weekend

(First... I totes booked that Listerine VO. I'm freaking out a little bit. What if they fire me because I can't do whatever the eff it was I did before (do they seriously want it to sound like an ORGASM!!? I doubt it!!) I record on Monday. I'll let you know how it goes. Weep. Yay! Cry.)

Ok now...

This weekend.

Oh lord.

Oh.

Lord.

This weekend might have done me in.

My liver is thoroughly pickled. My eyes are permanently bloodshot. I might have lost a patch of hair somewhere in there.

But you know what?

I had FUCKING FUN.

Friday morning was just one of those morning's that's hard to describe. Just plain great!

At noon I met with the man who makes my comedy light burn in a lusty, lusty way (for his comedy, y'all... get yer minds out of the gutter). Brandon Snider. Sigh. Hearts. COMEDY HEARTS. God... you know what, a-holes? A guy and a girl CAN be platonic friends. How about that? Suck it.

Anyway, I had the most awesome cheeseburger and fries (apparently I need these in order to breath lately) and laughed loud and hard which made the suits eating nearby uncomfortable. Hey suits? Someone's stealing your personal supply of white-out. Scram.

Went back to my pad and waited for my friend Lindy to show up and watched some "Gilmore Girls." This is a message from the year 2000 Glennis: "Oh Em Gee, you guys! You should totally watch this show called "Gilmore Gals!" No wait... "Gilmore GIRLS!" Ug! It's SOOOOOOooooo gooooooooood. Ok... bye-zees!" Seriously, I'm on the bandwagon 7 years later.

Friday night Lindy and I decided to venture over to the Lower East Side. Or as I like to call it, "the land where everyone is cooler than me." (This can also be applied to Williamsburg, fyi.) I'm not saying it's true... it just appears that way. Whatever, we had a great time. Really great.


See? See how happy we are?

We went down to the basement and danced just like the old days and then hit the sack by 4am.

Friday night? Success.

Saturday night I went to see my friend Kate's show at The PIT, Cream of the Corp. Great show, great cast, fun times. (It's still playing, you guys should check it out.) My friend Jamie was having her 30th bday prom that night but we also had a party to go to for my agent's husband (gross. i felt gross just now typing that. and yet... i still keep it. i am gross, you guys!)...anyway...

The Prom was a great time even if none of you dbags DANCED. Yeah, you know who I'm talking to (everyone except me and Marcy, pretty much). Here are some cute pics...

I told the boys to look like they were gay for each other.


Kittens!


Will does that "creep" thing so well. And yet he's a great guy! (I'm just saying that cuz he reads my blog... he's a total creep.)


I just love this picture. Reminds me of Pretty in Pink. Or, no... wait. Sixteen Candles. Wait... aren't they the same movie? I don't know anymore. I'm old.

After the Prom we went down to Kush Lounge for the bday party of MY AGENT. I HAVE AN AGENT. I AM BETTER THAN YOU. (jesus. sorry.)

Now, I don't know if you guys have ever been to Kush lounge but apparently after about 10pm it turns into the fiery pits of hell. Standing outside in the line we encountered a whole myriad of douchebags! My favorite was the dude who came up with a huge cut/bloody/bruised cheek saying, "yo. I just got jumped. can i get in... now?" I mean... did he punch himself in the face to get into Kush? Seriously? My other favorite part of the night was when I realized how to communicate with Fratty Douchebags. My Borat impression. One guy standing near us said, "do you guys know which way Stanton is?" and when I told him he said, "very nice." So I replied, "VERY NIIICE" and he (and every other "dude" around) was hooked. I saw little roofie-shaped hearts appear in their eyes. When we FINALLY made it inside they made us check our coats (and made poor Marcy check her coat and her bag separately) for $3 each. Made us?! Oh sorry, for a second I thought we were in AMERICA. Sheesh. We got inside and I knew I wasn't going to last. It was like a subway at rush hour times a gagillion people. I turned around 3 steps in (after being told to "move bitch, get out the way." ok, it was Ludacris but STILL) and said, "I can't be here. We have to go." And go we did. Sorry everyone! I'll give you a $3 handie at some point.

We then went to Motorcity where I thought it would be a great idea to start drinking vodka on the rocks. Why? Who knows... but it resulted in this so it's probably ok:



After that I basically got so drunk I had to be thrown in a cab. But I kept my clothes on! Cuz I like to keep it classy, y'allz.

Is there anything else worth mentioning this weekend? Let's see. Had a great sketch class (I'm taking the writing for SNL class at the PIT with Ali. Great class!) and a great show (The Made Up Musical at the Magnet... no more shows until January. I'll let you know when cuz I know you'll want to see it). And last night I read my sexy wedding story at Galapagos (to an audience of literally 5s of people) and the man who ran the tech came up to me after and said, "I see this show every week and I only like 20% of the performers... and I loved you. You are very authentic." Authentically slutty. But seriously, great compliment. Especially since we're working on building up little Glennis' ego here after a rough couple of years.

Anywhozelbums (an oldie, but a goodie!) ...

That was my weekend, you guys. I hope you had a great one, too. Be safe out there, ok? I love you, ya hear?

Love,

Glennis

VO Porn Star

I went on a voice over audition the other day for Listerine where I was told to "gargle and improvise." So I basically had to gargle and then instead of saying "aaahhh" I had to make some other noise like "Aooooooogah!" So I go into the booth and my friend Carrie is running the audition and Seth, is running the board. Let me just say I had a hard time, um, not sounding like I was having an orgasm. Yeah. So Carrie and Seth made this for me and I am kind of in love with them now.

Enjoy!

(Might not be suitable for work. I'm just saying.)

Love,

Glennis

PS - I totes got a callback for this commercial. If I book it I'm going with orgasm noises for every audition from now on. Sorry, Huggies!

SMUT

If you guys are around the Williamsburg area and feel like you don't have enough Smut in your life, then hey, why not stop by Galapagos and watch me read my sexy wedding story in front of a room of strangers. Rrrreow.

SMUT
8pm
Galapagos Art Space
70 N 6th St
btwixt Kent/Wythe
Williamsburg, Brooklyn
directions

The New York Times writes about SMUT, "It's art that should carry a Parental Advisory label, with some of New York City's best writers and performers."

Hosted by my pal and the funniest chick in the Upper West Side, Katina Corrao.

Better bring some Ajax, cuz I hear it gets DIRTY in there.

(heyo)

Love,

Glennis

Office Romance

Dear NBC,

Hey! It's Glennis. How are you? I just wanted to stop by and say um, listen... can you please make it so Pam and Jim are a couple? Please?! I swear I will keep watching. No really, that's not the only thing that keeps me watching! I love the show. I really do! I mean Stan alone... he's just retardedly funny, that guy. And I love the merging of the offices! Know what I hate? That Pam and Jim aren't together. Please? Pretty please?

Thanks.

I love you guys. Keep on... keepin on?

Love,

Glennis





Is this creepy? This is creepy, right? Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know how not to make this creepy. I look at these pictures a lot. I imagine myself as Pam. I know I KNOW she's not a real person! I know that! But she's kind of like me. Unassumingly attractive. Right? I mean if you really fix me... I mean her... up we'd be pretty ok looking right?? It's not so crazy to think that someone like Jim would be in love with us?? IS IT!?! IS IT, NBC?!?! WELL FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACES!!! FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID FACES! I COULD TOO GET JIM! YOU... YOU... YOU ALL HAVE SMALL PENISES!!! GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!

Um. Thanks.

Watch this video and maybe consider casting me... in something.

It doesn't have to be The Office.

...

I'm gonna go now.

...
...
...

I'm taking my pictures with me.

Hero!

Scene: Glennis sits in her apartment, on her couch (of course) watching the most recent episode of "Heroes."

The episode ends.

GLENNIS
(to herself. out loud.)
Oh man! That show is so great! I wish I had super powers!

Suddenly, a teeny tiny mouse appears in Glennis' hand! Eating chips!

MOUSEY
Did someone say "wish!?"


GLENNIS
Whoa! Where'd you come from!? Oh. My. God. You are sooooo cute!

MOUSEY
All right, yes yes, I'm tiny and adorable.


GLENNIS
No but seriously! Look at how tiny you are! Oh! Oh! And your ears! Oh my god they're SOOOO cute!

MOUSEY
Yes. Small ears. Check. But seriously, I'm here to talk to you about...


GLENNIS
(clasps other hand over mouth)
Oh my god.

MOUSEY
What!? A cat??! Is there a cat?!


GLENNIS
No. Your voice is SO CUTE!

MOUSEY
Oh my god. You don't get a lot of work done, do you?


GLENNIS
Not really. Why do you ask?

MOUSEY
Can we get back on track here? I'm here to help you find your super power!


GLENNIS
Wow! You're gonna grant my wish for a super power!?

MOUSEY
No, I don't grant wishes! I'm a mouse!


GLENNIS
But... but you said, "did somebody say, 'wish!?'" when you appeared. What's that all about?

MOUSEY
I don't know. It just seems like a great entry line. Like the Genie in Aladdin.


GLENNIS
The animated movie?! I love that one!

MOUSEY
Me too!!
(jumps up and down excitedly)


GLENNIS
Yay!!
(jumps up and down, too)

MOUSEY
Oh the part where Aladdin and Jasmine fly over the city!


GLENNIS
(sings)
A whole new woooooorld! A new enchanting point of view!

MOUSEY
You have a great voice.


GLENNIS
Thanks! I took lessons.

MOUSEY
You can tell.


GLENNIS
Thanks.

MOUSEY
You're really pretty too. For a giant.


GLENNIS
Thanks.

Glennis and Mousey stand quietly for a few seconds.

MOUSEY
Should we... should we do this whole "super powers" thing?


GLENNIS
Oh! Sure. Yes. Absolutely.

MOUSEY
Ok so basically we just have to go outside and try some stuff out and see what your super power is!


GLENNIS
This is so exciting!!

Glennis and Mousey walk outside. They stroll along for a few minutes.

GLENNIS
So, where did you say you were from?

MOUSEY
I didn't. Originally from Scottsdale, Arizona.


GLENNIS
No kidding! I'm from Colorado!

MOUSEY
You don't say! Wow. Small world.


Glennis and Mousey continue to walk.

GLENNIS
Quiet day.

MOUSEY
Oh my gosh I was just about to say the same thing! (laughs)


They continue to walk. Suddenly; sirens! Glennis and Mousey look at each other knowingly and run in the direction of the catastrophe! They arrive upon a brownstone in flames.



GLENNIS
A fire! This is perfect! Maybe I'm like the cheerleader and I can't get hurt!!

MOUSEY
GREAT! Wait, before you go... when was the last time you were injured!?


GLENNIS
Ummm... I don't know! Oh! I got a blister on my foot about a week ago!

MOUSEY
Did it heal right away??


GLENNIS
Pretty fast! I mean... a few days!

MOUSEY
Good enough!! GO!!


Glennis sets Mousey down and runs toward the burning building.

A Fireman sees her.

FIREMAN
Wait! Stop! Come back!


Glennis just rushes past him and into the burning building.

Mousey and Fireman stand waiting.

FIREMAN
You know her?


MOUSEY
(now standing in Fireman's hand)
You could say that.


Suddenly Glennis bursts out the front door of the building!

FIREMAN & MOUSEY
She's alive!



GLENNIS
I went into the wrong building... I'm goin back!!

FIREMAN
She's pretty cute.


MOUSEY
Back off! She's mine.


FIREMAN
Wow, relax man. I didn't know. We cool?


MOUSEY
(still a little upset)
I guess.


They stand around a few more minutes. Suddenly, Glennis bursts out of the burning building!!

GLENNIS
OH GOD! I'M BURNED!! I'M VERY BADLY BURNED!!! SOMEONE!! OH GOD!!! OWIE!!!

Glennis' face is almost unrecognizable.

MOUSEY
Yikes.


FIREMAN
Yeah, wow.


MOUSEY
She's all yours.


FIREMAN
No man. I'm cool. Actually, I might be gay.


MOUSEY
Oh yeah? Cool. That's cool. You wanna... get a drink?


FIREMAN
Cool. Ok.


Fireman and Mousey walk away.

GLENNIS
SERIOUSLY! PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! I AM VERY BADLY BURNED! I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE MY EYES HAVE FUSED SHUT AND I'M RUNNING INTO THINGS FURTHER INJURING MYSELF! HELLO?? IS ANYONE THERE!? HELLO!? MOUSEY?? I DON'T THINK THIS IS MY SUPER POWER! OR WAIT, AM I HEALING?? MAGICALLY? HELLO? MOUSEY?

Anyone?

THE END