Thursday, December 07, 2006

Equations!

I woke up in the BEST MOOD EVER THIS MORNING. Holy crap! I don't know why! I have so much to blog about! I don't know where to begin!

(I know you're all thinking, "Someone got laid last night." Um no. Ok? That's not the ONLY thing that makes Glennis happy. Ok? It's ONE of the things. But not the only. I am typing SO FAST! I HAD SO MUCH COFFEE!!)

Ok so FIRST. Here's an equation for you. Me + Liz + Gym = Hilarious Business. First, I forgot to tell you one other funny thing that happened the day we took the FakeYoga class. We're downstairs checking in and I ask the lady behind the counter where the yoga studio is. She says, "It's all the way up. Buuuut you might wanna take the elevator cuz das a lot uv stairs." Ummmm... we're at a GYM! What if we took the elevator up to the top to avoid the stairs so we could climb the stairmaster? Hahaha. I love that lady.

Ok so yesterday Liz and I are at the gym again (we did an hour of cardio, bitches! I'm gonna be Madonna in no time!) and we go to the changing room to get... well, changed. Now for the men out there you should know that women do indeed get naked in the changing room. And sometimes women walk around naked. And sometimes they touch. No no, just kidding. But women do stand around. I've been in locker rooms where women have stood there fully naked blow drying their hair (ALL their hair, if you hear me barkin) for 20 minutes or so. Whatevs. Not my thang but you go ahead, sister. But yesterday, so we're standing there getting changed and this girl comes over to where we're standing. She is buck-ass naked. Standing around just, you know, chillin. And I'm trying not to look even though I could reach over and smack her on the tit I'm so close, but you know it's hard when someone is naked right there in yer face! So I am putting my stuff back into my backpack and I'm crouched down on the floor (and fully clothed) and I look up and she's standing there right in front of me and I swear to god... there's a tampon string hanging out her cooch. Ok so liiiisten. Standing around naked? Fine. Blow drying hair naked? Fine. Weighing yourself naked? Totes fine! Standing 3 feet away from my face naked with a fucking TAMPON STRING hanging out yer chachki??? NO. Fucking NO.

Ok so Liz and I of course walk out of the dressing room and start "holy shit!"ing about the whole thing. Sigh. I heart Liz.

LAST NIGHT...

Let's talk about last night. First of all I saw Stickerbook perform and holy shit I am so in love with those girls. I mean, I'm in love with them anyway cuz they're amazing people and good friends, but honestly... I WANT TO DO IT WITH STICKERBOOK. SO GREAT. GOD.

After the show (which was at Mo Pitkins and was packed, natch) we went to Jen Hammaker's house for a Christmas gathering which featured not one, not two, not THREE, but 7 different types of cookies! I sampled each one and I have to say my favorites were the green ones. I brought wine and realized that I pick out wine based on how pretty the label is. Which doesn't always work out! But it's ok. It did the job, right guys?? RIGHT. And then I made Jen put on some karaoke and I sang two songs, neither of which I can remember right now and neither of which I knew the words to. So Eliza sat on the couch near me and mouthed the words to me. It was kind of one of those perfect moments you know? One of those moments where everyone wants you to shut up but you don't? Yeah.

We'll skip over the part where I totes got rejected by Sue's cousin...

And go right to the palm reading!

We're leaving the party and I'm walking out with one of my favoritest peoples of all time, Erin Rose Foley (or as I like to call her ROFO) and there's a palm reader downstairs outside of Jen's apartment. I say to everyone "ooh! let's go get our palms read!" and every one's like "shhhh" except ROFO who's like "I WILL DO THIS WITH YOU" (which is why I luuuuv her!)

OK

Oh man.

So...

I ring the bell. I turn around to make sure ROFO is still with me and when I turn back around my first thought is "holy shit!" cuz a little girl about 5 years old is running full force toward the door and I'm like "that palm reader is tiny and going to bite my calves!" (I have this terrible, terrible fear of people/animals biting my calves.) So I get a little freaked out but just for like .25 of a second until I realize that she's a little girl and the real palm reader walks out. And now I present to you, in one act...

THE PALM READING
by Glennis McMurray

PALM READER
Come in.

GLENNIS
Heeeey.

PALM READER
What would you like?

GLENNIS
My palm read.

ERIN
Yeah.

PALM READER
Sit down. Palm is $5 and really is not very extensive. 1/2 deck of cards is pretty good and is $25 but a full deck of cards now that's the big enchilada supreme chimichanga.

GLENNIS
How much?

PALM READER
$50

GLENNIS
Let's go palm reading.

PALM READER
Why don't you get a full deck of cards?

GLENNIS
Why don't you... sorry... never mind. Just palm read, yo.

ERIN
(Standing to the side. The little girl runs out with a cell phone. Erin takes out her cell phone and they have a pretend conversation.)

PALM READER
(looking at my palm)
You have a long life line. You will live to be 85. You are in love right now?

GLENNIS
No.

PALM READER
You will be married by the time you are 28. How old are you?

GLENNIS
27

ERIN
(Still playing the cell phone game with the little girl. The little girl runs away back behind the curtain leading to their house.)

LITTLE GIRL
*THUD!*
wwwwwaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

PALM READER
You will marry someone who starts with J.

(The little girl is still crying.)

PALM READER
Are you planning on...baby are you ok in there?...traveling soon? I see sunny weather.

(The little girl is WAILING at this point)

GLENNIS
Ummm... maybe... Miami (TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH).

PALM READER
Yes I see... baby? you ok?... I'm sorry one second.

(I MEAN THE KID IS SCREAMING AT THIS POINT AND ERIN AND I ARE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LAUGH. She goes behind the curtain and we are DYING. I hear her coming back so I have to pull it together.)

PALM READER
Sorry. You really should get the full deck reading. This one, not so good.

GLENNIS
How about no?

PALM READER
Ok you are done.

Ok and then Erin gets her palm read (this is the shittiest play ever, sorry! I might still be drunk!) and I'm standing by the curtain that leads into their house and I hear something banging on the floor so I open the curtain and look in and the little girl is playing in a DRAWER. ON THE FLOOR. FILLED WITH UNDERWEAR. I swear to god! I was DYING. And, oh... and Erin said that when I was getting my reading the tv was on in the other room and there was a cartoon on that kept making fart sounds. It was so fucking funny!

OMG I wish you guys had been there. I hope Erin comments with more details I left out.

Was this entry long enough!?

Oh, one more thing! My friend Lindy wrote me this email and said the simplest thing and it just made my brain go "YES!". She goes, "I had a teacher who said that the purpose of life is...get this... to enjoy every moment."

I mean I've heard it, thought it, read it 100 times. But for some reason reading that made me god "AH HA!" It was like one of those Oprah light bulb moments.

So that's my plan, stan. (Hi, Stan!) And if you don't like it then you can just sit on it. And I will enjoy that moment that you sit on it.

Oh... one last equation:

Glennis + 3 glasses of wine + 1 beer + 5 hours of sleep = BEST MOOD EVER.

I LOVE EVERYTHING!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I took this picture this morning walking down Christopher Street. Yes, that's a wig. Someone had a good night!!

5 comments:

Erin said...

When it was my turn to get my palm read, the PSYCHIC (because that's what she is) told me that my soul mate tried to find me, but that something interfered! She also said I was torn between two men (I would love to meet either of them).

Also, the little girl's name was Giselle, and she was crazy. I guess that's what happens when your mom is a totes for real PSYCHIC!

'Chelly G said...

Great blog, Glennis :)

Jeffrey Marx said...

I picked a wine with the label "Hyman Hill" on it. It was very tasty.

I woke up in a great mood too! No drinking this morning, but the dream about stripper firemen sure helped!

xo

Hammy said...

Next time I go downstairs and that psychic asks me if I want a reading (Cause it happens EVERY DAY )and the kid is around, I'm gonna be all, "hiya Giselle!" Then I'll turn to the psychic and say, "You want me to read YOUR palm, b-atch? Who's psychic now!!" Then, gingerly, I'm going to turn, I'm gonna keep walking and with my back turned to her I'm gonna be like, "yyyyyyyeessssssss!"

Glennis said...

Omg Erin... so funny. People don't know what they were missing by not getting a very very real psychic reading!

Jeff, that's the best name for wine... ever?

Hi Michelle!

Hammy that made me laugh so freakin hard. Ha1