A Month Of Blank

Hey guys.

So...I've thought about it. Long and hard. (That's what she said.) What will my "Month Of..." be? I've had suggestions from many people which included:

- Month of Walking to Work
- Month of Flannel (it is my color)
- Month of Silence (not possible)
- Month of No Email (yeah that would drive me insane.)
- Month of New Movie Every Day

And while these all sound fun, awesome, amazing and... maybe a little weird, I think I know what I'm going to do.

OH GOD. This is going to be hard, y'all.

A MONTH OF NOT BUYING WHAT I DON'T NEED.

Jesus my stomach gets upset just thinking about this. Because, you see, I love buying things!

This will be difficult in the following capacities:

1. COFFEE
I mean sometimes the only thing that gets me up in the morning is knowing I can go to Starbucks/DunkinD/Mud to get a $4/$3/$2 cup of Joe. It's not even the coffee so much as the act of buying it. I fucking LOVE buying coffee. I love walking into the store (up to the Mud truck) and smelling the sweet, sweet beans calling out to my taste buds. I love ordering my special drink that only I get and they're gonna make especially for me. I love the warmth from the cup and adding my milk/splenda until it's juuust right. I love walking around/riding the subway with my cup. Slowly sipping it. People staring with envy as they sit cupless and coffeeless. I love it all. THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY HARD. This will mean making instant at home (I love instant coffee) and bringing it out with me in a mug (my sis got me a great one for my bday last year that I have yet to use) or drinking the coffee/tea at work. It's not so bad. It's really not. (Keep telling yourself that, kid.)

2. DUANE READ
Jesus CHRIST there's nothing I love more than buying products I don't need at the D to the R. I even wrote a post on how Mr. Read is my boyfriend. I love Duane. I love spending ridiculous amounts of money on new lip gloss, eye shadow, mascara, lotions, potions, KY for when you do the motions. (rrreow) I LOVE IT. I love buying 3 different packs of gum just because I want to try this new flavor. I love it all and it's going to be VERY hard to stop. This means fewer trips to DR, obvsies. And when I go in to buy the necessities (toilet paper, soap, magazines... shit... magazines are not a necessity!!? FUCK) GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.

3. EATING OUT
Possibly the hardest one of all. Guys...I EAT OUT EVERY FREAKING MEAL. It might just be a $3 breakfast treat but dammit I seriously eat out every single meal. This is retarded! Right guys? This is RETARDED. I am wasting my $$ and it's going to FUCKING FOOD THAT I POOP OUT. I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT! (Except 15 lbs. Seriously. How did I gain 15 lbs?!) Ok this will mean planning. Lots of planning on my part. I will give myself a little leeway just in case I forgot a lunch or something so that I can go to Duane Read (yeeesh! Sabotage!) and buy a Lean Cuisine or something. That's the only time I can go out to buy something. I have to shop for food & make my meals at home. I am a terrible cook so this will be a month of chicken and... pasta? GOOD GOD. WHY AM I DOING THIS.

There's a few exceptions I can think of right now for this month and one is a Bliss Facial. Sounds ridic, I know, but I have a Gift Certificate and Liz and I booked a day at the Spa in Feb and I'll need to tip the lady, obvs. $20 goes to that. I'd obviously make an exception if it was someone's birthday and I was going to get them a gift (or perhaps I should just make something?) or if I'm in dire need of a cab (which would only be if I were EXTREMELY late for a show or if it was late and I had been out drinking)...

And that leads me to another point that might be hard:

4. DRINKING
Not that I'm some lush (I have a mug of vodka in my hand right now) but I do go out A LOT. I have a ton of friends and a lot of them like to party like rock stars. So no drinking in February is going to be hard. There will be two exceptions to this rule: 1) Super Bowl Sunday (Which I might actually skip because I'm lame and have been tired lately) and 2) a ladies brunch my friends and I planned a while ago. Other than that, no drinky McMurray.

Why am I doing this?

Because I'm in a little bit of debt. Because I spend money like I have an endless supply. (And trust me, I DO NOT.) Because I'm living beyond my means and I spend $ on stuff I don't need. And because I'd like to see if I can do it. I think I'll appreciate buying things willy-nilly a little more after this month is up.

Oh, and if you'll notice I'm doing this in February... the shortest month of the year.

I'm also not going to use my credit card. Right now I have about, oh, $14 in my bank account. Let's see where I'm at on Feb 28th.

Talking about this inspired a friend to stop masturbating for a month. And I think that's kind of awesome cuz it's gonna be hard. No wait, it's NOT gonna be hard. Heyoooo!

Has anyone else been inspired to do something for February?

Since I'm not religious this is sort of like my lent, I guess.

I'm buying myself an awesome dinner tonight (and watching Blazing Saddles at home) to bid farewell to my extravagant ways.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Saggy Butt

There are few things running through my mind right now. First of which is the dream I had last night (over and over, as usual) in which I was in History class and our teacher popped a quiz on us. The quiz had something like 10 questions and in my dream, while filling them out, I remember thinking "I've got this. I'm doing so well." Then the teacher collects them and says that we're going to go up to the front of the room and write down what we got on our test. One at a time. I knew I'd gotten an "F" at that point. I sat in my desk dreading my name being called and when it finally was I moped up to the front of the room and wrote a huge "F" on the board. Then I tried to make a joke out of it. "An F! Haha! Who cares!" and turned around to faces of people judging me in sad disappointment. "How could you get an F, Glennis? You poor, pathetic thing."

Judgment, judgment, judgment. Something that's plagued me my entire life. I think I eventually started seeking judgment out (hanging out/dating people prone to it) like an abuse victim seeks out men who treat them like shit. Break the cycle! Or just stop caring as much. Obviously the latter is harder to do.

Another thing on my mind is how great Dance Dance Party Party was this past Sunday. Marcy and I walked into the room to find just 3 people and thought it would be another small group. At 4:02 about 10 ladies came prancing through the door to the delight and squeals of, well, me. 4 of the girls were here from Germany and one was doing a video blog on her trip here. She offered to take video of us dancing to post on the blog and for me to post on our website. Here's the video I like to call, "Glennis dances around in her saggy-buns workout pants."

ENJOY



And the last thing on my mind is inspired by something I read in Time Out NY a few months ago. Maybe it wasn't even a few months... maybe it was weeks. Either way there was an article about people doing something for an entire month that they wouldn't normally do. So I've decided to do this in February. I'm not quite sure yet what the guidelines for my "month of something" is yet, but I'll let you know. I'm pretty sure it will be a month of kindness. Kindness to myself meaning less eating out, more working out and reduced going out. WE'LL SEE.

Um and can someone please ask the guy in my office to stop walking past my cubicle and mumbling "one more week, Glennis" (pertaining to the return of Lost) and "are you famous yet?" (pertaining to my career which is lost).

Thanks.

Have a great day!!

Love,

Glennis

Dazed and Confused

The other day I got an email from an old pal of mine who I haven't seen in about a year. We knew each other from the improv scene and I knew, upon receiving the email, that if we hung out, the night would be one full of debauch- and -ery. She said she was coming to my show on Friday night and hoped we could get a drink after. But this story is not so much about that night as the following day. Our night was fine. Just not really blog-worthy. It was filled with drinks and more drinks. Oh and also some more drinks. So many drinks in fact that by 2am I was busted and decided to leave.

(Side note... I realize this post will cause some concern to arise in my readers - you'll see why - and I just want you to know that I'm fine. I also realize that by saying, "I'm fine" it sounds like a lie because if I was really fine I wouldn't have to say so, right? It's like a gay dude talking about how much he loves boning chicks. "I love vagina so much! VAGINA!! GET ME SOME VAGINA RIGHT NOW!! I WANT TO TO TOUCH IT WITH MY FINGERS!!" But seriously, I'm fine. Also, if you're planning an intervention can you make sure vodka is readily available as I'm not able to get through the day without it anymore. KIDDING.......?)

AnyWAYNEBRADY...

So I'm drunk. We're out. I tell my pal I'm going home and she says, "hey, I have half a joint...you want it?" Do I want it? I grab it from her hand like a fat kid grabs cake and giddily kiss her on the cheek. I like free stuff, guys. And pot.

I'm not really a stoner. I swear. (God. WE GET IT, GLENNIS) But lately I've had an urge to get high so I felt like this was kismet. Also, half a joint will last me like two weeks.

I don't smoke it that night because, you know, I'm drunk. But I do go home and pass out. I have a bizarre, sleepless night where I dream about someone texting me from Colorado and me not being able to figure out who they are. It was so real that when I looked at my phone upon waking up to find no trace of those texts I thought for sure I had used another phone and started searching my room for that phone. RETARDED.

Saturday was a sort of stressful morning that involved my ex and a car and some heavy talking (all while being extremely hung over) and after that, all I could think of was that sweet, sweet free pot sitting on my dresser.

I check my planner to make sure I had nothing to do that day and since it was all clear I lit that baby up. Wow. I decide it'd be fun to take a shower (SHOWERING HIGH IS SO AWESOME) then, in my robe, I settle in on my couch for some music and g-chat with unsuspecting friends.

Friend: Do you really think Obama has a chance at winning the election?
Me: My hands are tingly.

I mean it's kind of just one of those days. I was going to see a movie later that night and then meeting friends for a show. I was set.

And then I look at my phone. It's 2:07 pm and I have a message. I listen to that message and here's what it says:

"Glennis. It's Erin. Let me in! It's cold out here!"

I sit for a second with a confused look on my face. Ok, it was more like 3 minutes. Just sitting there staring at my wall trying to figure out who Erin was, why she wanted to be let in, and to where. Erin? Erin Rose Foley? Ok so I've got the who...

SHIT!

SHIT SHIT SHIT!!

OH SHIT!

A MEETING!

I HAVE A MEETING!

RIGHT NOW!

OH MY GOD!

I'M SO HIGH!!!

AND NAKED!

SHIT!!!

Yes. That's right. I, the responsible and driven Glennis McMurray, got high before a meeting with my pals about a show we're working on. I am RETARDED.

I rush around my room laughing, tripping, "oh shitting" my way into a pair of pants and a shirt that I'm pretty sure was on inside out and smelled of booze and cats. AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE CATS, YOU GUYS.

I run downstairs to find poor Erin freezing her balls off at my door. I open the door, no makeup, wet hair, bloodshot eyes and say, "Eeeerin. Don't kill me...I'M SO HIGH."

I mean... WHAT? Who am I??

And you know what? We still had the meeting. We watched an episode of "Jem and the Holograms" (Did I forget to mention we're doing a stage version of the show and I'm playing Jem/Jerrica? Yeah. Unless they re-cast due to me being a retarded stoner loser fuckface.) and talked about who should play what rolls and I sat stuffing nachos in my face laughing and drooling. Kinda like that character Leonardo Dicaprio played in Gilbert Grape. Put that image in your head.

I mean I feel completely embarrassed. Even though it was kind of hilarious. Right girls? Right?


I can't believe she got high... ALONE.

Oh nope. They just want me to shut up.

Aw girls, you're wonderful for not hating me.

Also, this picture of Erin made me laugh. Because it's funny? Maybe. Because I was high? Definitely. She's got frog toes!



Ah.. no more getting high in the middle of the day (before a meeting)!

Hope you had a great weekend too, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

Journey Cover Band - GO!

I'm just going to say this once. Go see Evolution on 2/3 at the Canal Room. Evolution is a Journey Cover Band. The lead singer looks and sounds EXACTLY like Steve Perry. It is uncanny. And probably the best time you'll have watching a live show because, come on... it's JOURNEY. And you are encouraged to sing along. And you can get a picture with the band after the show. Like this:



February 3, 9:00pm
The Canal Room
285 W. Bway @ Canal Street
NYC

GO! You won't regret it.

Love,

Glennis

Dinner and a Moody (Waiter)

I went to dinner on Saturday night with Stan at Three of Cups in the East Village. First, the food was awesome but the portions are HUGE. Like retardedly huge. The bread is great, the wine was great but the best part of the meal (aside from the company) was the waiter.

Our waiter very clearly did not want to be working that night. Perhaps he had better places to be. We'll never know, though we should have asked. But really, who wants to be waiting on adorable 20-somethings when you could be out shopping for vintage Dilbert calenders? Seriously, I know he collects them.

So our waiter comes over when we sit down and says, "can I offer you two something to drink... OTHER THAN ICE WATER?"

We, at this point, had no water, iced or otherwise, at our table. Also... ICE WATER? I'm glad they serve their water with ice but, doesn't everyone? Maybe not! Maybe he used to work at a restaurant that served lukewarm water. He wants to be clear that we know we're getting ice in our water. THIS PLACE TRUMPS HIS LAST PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT, BITCHES! Holla!!

So he brings us our ice water (and boy, he wasn't kidding... that shit had ice in it!) and then brings us our bread and says, "here is some fresh bread."

Now I didn't hear this though Stan said I should have known to begin paying attention to what our waiter said from the minute he said "ice water." FRESH BREAD. Thank you, sir, for not serving us yesterday's bread.

Guys? Two for two. The bread was FRESH!

So we're ordering and I get a dish with pasta, snow peas and zucchini (awesome. so good) and Stan says to the waiter, "I'll have this... how do you pronounce that?" and points to what he wants on the menu. Our water says, "Spaghetti and Meatballs."

HA! I almost lost it. Stan looks at me and I'm like "DO NOT LOOK AT ME. I WILL LOSE IT."

On the menu, obvsies, Spaghetti and Meatball had some fancy-shmancy name that we couldn't pronounce. I loved that part the most I think.

Spaghetti and Meatballs you RETARDS.

Oh I loved our waiter.

We kept joking that he was the best part of the night and that we should ask him to come out and drink with us. We'd buy him a "tasty budweiser" or a "crisp heineken" or something equally as delightful.

We left with enough food to feed a couple more people (or me, after a night of heavy drinking) and I took this picture of Stan's food... cuz I'm 12.



Have a great day, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

It's like, you know...Chips.

Yesterday I helped my pal Carolyn with a shoot for her music video "It's Like Chips."

Here's just a little preview of the hoochiness dat I did brought.



Have a great Sunday.

Love,

Glennis

A Myriad of Things, Really

Lots of stuff in this post. Let's start with this:


Blissfully Ignorant

I'm not sure if you guys read this article in Rolling Stone in December's issue (I think it was December) about Smithfield Foods, the Nation's top pork producer but seriously guys, that shit is fucked up. Literally. It's about how toxic, well, pig shit is, basically. I meant to post it here when I originally read it (and trust me, the article is not nearly as disgusting without the aerial view pictures of the pink pools of pig shit. Yes, PINK.) but I kinda forgot about it. Until this morning when I was talking to Liz about going to Spark's Steakhouse tonight for dinner. (Hollaaa! That shit is NICE.) I told her I was going to get Veal and she said it was sad to eat Veal. I told her to read that article because then you'll feel bad about eating pork, too.

I absolutely totally 100% get people when they choose to adhere to the "no faces on my plate" rule but honestly there's no way in hell I could ever do that. I love meat. (That's what she sai... DON'T YOU DARE. The office... right guys?) But seriously. Give me a huge burger dripping with grease sitting next to a picture of a slaughtered cow and I'll have no problem eating it. Am I heartless? Maybe. Heartless and SATISFIED.

I'm not a total jerk though. I totally draw the line at babies. I would never, ever eat a human baby, y'all.

And for the record I think Vegans are fucking weird. Except the one in Brooklyn. Cuz he tells me 'bout good music n stuff.

And now... let's move on to this:

Last night in trivia my team got 2nd place. Which is the highest they've ever gotten and it was all thanks to me... sitting there and looking pretty. Cuz y'all I SUCK AT TRIVIA. Apparently when you think you know a lot of stuff you really don't know shit. Cuz that's how it happened to me. But yo, that shit's fun anyway.

And finally, this:

Because Eliza tagged me, I present to you 5 things you don't know about me.

1. As a little kid I used to lay in bed and pick my nose and wipe the boogers on the wall. What the fuck right? I'm not telling you when I STOPPED.

2. I got thrown up against a fence and almost "arrested" by a security guard (haha, douchebag) at a high school football game when I almost got in a fight with some girls from the other team's school. They called me fat, you guys! I mean, I was. But seriously you don't say that shit to a high school girl and not expect to get knocked the fuck out.

3. In high school my friend and I stole some pictures of hot guys from the photo place where we were going to get our senior pictures taken (they had this basket of "sample pictures" and we took some of the hottest guys. For... our spank bank?) and almost immediately after I got into a car crash. Nothing major but dude I never stole again. No, that's a lie. I totally did. I just didn't drive immediately after.

4. I stood in line for 18 hours for that terrible reality show 5 years ago called "Pop Stars" (some of you might know this about me now that I think about it). I didn't get on the show (thank GOD) but I did get on Fox News as "the next Christina Aguilera." Apparently they were short on talent that year.

5. The first month I lived in NY was probably the happiest I've ever been or ever will be. And I think I'm ok with that.

Those were probably totally lame things but I felt all this pressure to come up with stuff! I'd think of something and go "ug, NOT ON THE BLOG, GLENNIS. Save that shit for therapy" or "I think I told that last night in my drunken stupor" so I guess these will have to do.

Now I have to tag 5 people...

Liz Black (because I lurv readin her writin and because I know she'll pun it up and I love me some puns)

Breanna Jacobson (cuz she makes me giggle on gchat and I don't know enough about her yet)

Carrie Faverty (cuz the bitch knows how to tell a story)

Carolyn Castiglia (cuz we're totes besties now after bonding over Obama)

Stan Park (cuz he's totes the cutest omg omg. And he needs to write more in his blog)

DO IT, Y'ALL. Don't be lamers!

Have a great day, you guys!

Love,

Glennis

Subtle

First, I totes made those Obama t-shirts. You can buy one here.

Second, I went on a voice over audition today for TGIF's and the "specs" for how it was to be read were RIDICULOUS. So I'm going to post them here for you lovelies.

We are looking for voices ages 25 through 40. This is not an announcer read, this person needs to carry the personality of (The Restaurant) throughout the spot. That means contemporary and not cheesy.

The deliver should have a good quick tempo but not frantic. Almost a stream of consciousness in the favor of someone ordering from the menu. If you could start with the pacing of a Dennis Leary Lead, take out the angst and replace it with general coolness, that would be in the neighborhood. Don't Project to much, it's more of an externalization of thoughts, describing situations and food we could all aspire to experience.

Speak like a friend talking in a no-nonsense, honest way. NOT announcery, NOT selly. Be cool without trying to be cool. Do not put on a fake "dude" accent or try to be slick. This person needs to really believe, and believe In, what they're saying but without going over the top with the performance.

(You guys still with me here? Just a little bit more.)

Needs to have substance in voice.

Women: No breathy lifetime channel voices, and no bubbly high pitch

Guys: No sardonic, nasaly, no Don La Fontaine Dramatic guys. No high energy tonight on WB voices

In a world... where people take things too seriously.

I mean seriously. We remember this is for TGIF's right?

Right, this TGIFridays:



So yeah, DON'T MAKE IT CHEESY.

Have a great night, y'all. But not too great. Just in the general neighborhood of great.

Love,

Glennis

Obama Nation

Can we just all agree right now that Barack Obama is the foxiest senator ever? And can we also agree that he'll be our new President in 08? Can we just right now make a pact and do that? I know he's still in the Exploratory Committee phase but the chances of him running are as certain as the fact that I'm going to seriously fuck up my kids someday. VERY, VERY GOOD.

I mean this image is totes going in my spank bank, right ladies?


My homie Carolyn and I decided today that he needs his own fan club. Like OMG how cool, right? Here are some names I've come up with for the club.

"The Obama-ramas"
"Barack-attack!" (His name isn't pronounced correctly here but, like, we so don't care cuz it's a totes cute name.)
"The Barack 'n Rollies"
"Chica-Go Team Obama!"
"OMG OMG He's So Cute!" (cuz he is)
"Hold Me, Obama!" (cuz we want him to)
"The Obama Mamas" (ladies only. ok and gay men)
"The O-sex-Bamas" (sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb)

That's all I've come up with for now. Mainly because I'm at work and people keep distracting me with changing lunch reservations and sending $6,000 checks for our firm's "zoo night." Isn't EVERY NIGHT ZOO NIGHT HERE??

But seriously guys. Get on the Obama bandwagon. He's totes gonna be our new President. Oh and aren't the t-shirts we made just dreamy?


(I have to give credit to Carolyn for the "Barack the Vote" pun. Although, let's face it... I would have gotten there in a few days.)

Have a great day, y'all!

OBAMA IN 08!

Love,

Glennis

Lesson Learned

It's not so much the fact that people aren't reliable as the fact that I never, ever EVER become skeptical of people or the things they say and I always, always ALWAYS get super excited when someone says they're going to do something (send me a new phone) that might be kind of important (be my new roommate).

Like a stupid, stupid puppy who keeps running into the glass because she can't remember that it makes her wiw head huwt.


Slow it down there, retard.

On a brighter note...

Nope I've got nothing.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Glennis

Who Knew!

Hey guys... people love whores!! Who knew, right?

Remember my post from last week where I called NY a dirty vagina? Well I was wrong. NY... I'm really sorry about that. Hey, hey. Come here. Don't walk away. I really mean that. You're... well, you're great.

Last night I had yet another show at the same theatre from last week. Not only did we sell that bitch out but it was a DAMN FINE SHOW.

I mean, we sold out the theatre at 11pm on a Friday. YES! So awesome.

We made a sweet $30 each. Which we promptly spent on vodka. YOU'RE WELCOME, LIVER!

Carrie did an AWESOME job presenting her "whoring it up" story to the audience. She was nervous as hell but really pulled it together and kicked some ass. Eliza read a story written by Liz and kicked ass. It was harder for her, it not being her story, but honestly I've heard Liz tell the story and Eliza did it perfectly. Brandy Barber's story (about her being a horny, horny child/teen/adult) might be in playgirl! Shhh... I SAID MIGHT. And Carolyn Castiglia... I mean THE LADY CAN TELL A DAMN STORY.

I think the audience appreciated us throwing condoms to them as we entered as a "basketball team" of whores. I have to thank Carrie again for getting us a great deal on some condoms. We ran across the street to the bodega when I realized I had forgotten to get some. We asked the guy behind the counter for 4 packs (relax! there were only 3 in each pack) and told him we were "going to have a lot of sex tonight" to which he replied, "can I come?" to which I said, "I DON'T KNOW... CAN YOU!" (I am 12). So Carrie, she says to the guy she says, "Hey... since we're buying 4 packs how about you give us one free?" and the guy, the thinks and he says, "mmm... how about I give you the 4th 1/2 off?" I, of course, say YEAH! OK! but Carrie, she haggles her way to getting us that 4th box FREE. Good goin!

Oh and then the guy says if he can come with us for our night of sex he'll bring TEN boxes of condoms AND BEER! And Carrie and I think about it... and we almost ask, "What KIND of beer?" but I mean come on. We're not THAT whorey.

Seriously, the show was awesome. The audience was SO appreciative and again, thanks to Carrie for bringing about 70% of them.

If we do it again you must come.

(That's what she said.)

Love,

Glennis

Suckstown, Population: Me

You know what was great, you guys? When my phone started acting up and I called Verizon and they said they'd send me a new phone. Yay!

Know what HASN'T BEEN SO GREAT?

That my phone literally keeps restarting (it's a Treo 650) over and over so I can't get my information off there (phone #s, etc) and it never properly synched up with my computer (I know, I know...I am stupid for not figuring that shit out) so it's not backed up and my new phone from Verizon STILL hasn't shown up (1-3 business days... I called Tuesday) and I might be without a phone all weekend.

I'm going to figure something out but I wanted to complain. So there, I've sufficiently complained.

Now have a great weekend ok?

Oh, and if you're trying to call me FORGET IT. Unless, you know... you leave a message. Oh but leave your #, ok?

I wish I had an iphone. Sigh.

Love,

Glennis

I've Got The Whore World In My Hands

This Friday night marks the arrival of a new show hosted by yours truly!

What's this show about, you ask?

Why, WHORES of course!

Since when did one-night stands become such a bad thing? As long as we're using condoms and being safe in other ways (i.e. making sure we can get out of the restraints should there be a fire or other natural disaster) and we're two consenting adults, who cares!

Come hear some super-sexy stories of this variety Friday night at 11pm at The People's Improv Theatre. Hosted by yours truly and Ms. Carrie Faverty.

When Did We Become (Such) Whores?
Friday, January 12th, 11pm
The PIT Theatre
154 West 29th Street @ 7th Avenue
$8.00

Featuring stories by:

Me!
Carrie!
Brandy Barber! (The Kissing Booth)
Carolyn Castiglia! (Chicks & Giggles, VH1)
A Story by Liz Black! (Popmatters.com, WhoisLiz.com) as read by Eliza Skinner! (HelloHilarious.com, I Eat Pandas)

SO MUCH SASS! Come check it out, you sluts. Everyone leaves with a condom of their own so you, too, can go find someone to whore it up with!

C.R.E.A.M.

UPDATE: THIS POST IS NOW OUTDATED AS I'VE COLLECTED ALL THE GAME PIECES. WOOOORD.


Dolla Dolla Bill, ya'll.

(Sorry... I know that just sounds wrong coming from me. I've been listening to 36 Chambers a bit obsessively lately. Ahhh memories [of high school] light the corner of my mind.)

Anyway!

You guys know I like $ right? And you guys like ME so you want me to HAVE money, right?

Well then here's what you should do. Unless you're planning on playing the Soprano's Suitcase of Cash game yourself (and why would you want to waste time doing that?) you should take pictures of any Soprano's ads you see ANYWHERE and send them to me. That way I can totes win $100,000 and give those who help me a sweet gift card to Starbucks. Or Dunkin D. Seriously, it'll be worth your time.

The ads are everywhere. In magazines, newspapers, on subways, billboards. Just snap a pic with your camera phone and send it to me.

I could kick myself. I was on a subway the other day that was literally COVERED in ads and I thought to myself, "maybe I should play the game..." and then got bored and fell asleep.

WELL NOW I'M ON BOARD, BITCHES.

This morning I took a pic of the whole family, a pic of Tony and one of Christopher. Here's a list of all the game pieces. If you see one of those, take a pic for me!

Also, if you come across a website and there's an ad for the Soprano's on A&E, let me know. I can click on that and get a game piece too.

You're all just swell, you know that?

I owe you one.

Email any findings to me at glennisthemenace at gmail dot com.

Love,

Glennis "I want to pay off my credit card" McMurray

Breaking News...

I just found out that yours truly (along with Liz and Kate) are going to tape an episode (haha... episode) of CHAIN REACTION in February.

Chain Reaction is not a new drama starring Kiefer Sutherland. Chain Reaction is an amazing (I say this because I will appear on it) game show that you have never heard of.

See... back in 2006 Liz said to me, "Let's get on a game show." I, of course, replied with my standard, "where and when." (I don't ask many questions... in general.) We recruited Kate, named ourselves Patty Word-Smythe and auditioned. Today we each got a very serious call informing us that we had qualified for the show and that if we each did not return the call before 6:00 tomorrow OUR PHONES WOULD SELF-DESTRUCT!! ...and we'd become ineligible. We phoned that bitch so fast our fingers almost gave in.

So yes, we're taping an episode that will be on TV and we're going to win literally TENS OF DOLLARS.

What will I do with my winnings? I'm thinking:



OR



OR



...or I might go visit my dad.

This is all very exciting. I've never been on a game show before. I hope I don't crack under pressure.

Also, since I'm such a huge fan of Flickr.com I decided to get this deal for these cute business cards. I put pictures of myself on there, naturally, and my info on the back. Also, I put a cute skull on the back. It's kind of cliché but whatevs. It's cute. I'll let you know how they look when I get them.

Love,

Glennis

PS - You can play Chain Reaction online here.

Arm-a Get On

Open on: Glennis' face. Her eyes are closed and Glennis sleeps peacefully. Slowly, her eyes begin to flutter open. She yawns.

GLENNIS
What a nice sleep. Man. I haven't slept that hard in AGES. How lovely...what the... what is... HOLY SHIT. THERE'S AN ARM IN MY BED! OK OK. Don't panic, Glennis. Clearly you got drunk last night and went home with an Arm. It happens all the time! Just doooooon't PANIC.

Glennis starts to panic even though she clearly just warned herself not to. She starts to think of all the arm diseases she might have contracted last night. All the other arms this arm might have been with. She shudders.

GLENNIS
(thinking to herself)
Ok. I just have to wake him (her!?) up and ask it to leave. This is, after all, my house!

Glennis taps Arm on... the arm.

GLENNIS
Um... excuse me? Hello? Mister... Arm?

(tap tap tap)

ARM
Hmm... wha? (snorf) Whoder?


GLENNIS
Um, hi! Um... hey, so this is kind of awkward but I think... I think we got bizzy last night. I mean I'm SURE we were safe because, like, I'm a cautious gal (laughs)... so, listen I don't think we need to say anything more. Let's just go our separate ways.

ARM
Mffrs. Shhhiizzzzrooop. AAAlllfd.


GLENNIS
(thinking)
Oh god. This arm is still SO DRUNK. Ok, just get him out of here. No need to cause a scene. God, what an IDIOT I AM!

Picks arm up and shakes it a little.

GLENNIS
Hey! Hello!? Time to get up and go now! I have to be at work in 30 minutes. Come on. Get your... arm pants... on and we'll walk to the subway together. ...crap where are your arm pants. (looking around) They have to be around here somewhere.

ARM
Glllleeeeennnnissshh.


GLENNIS
(thinking)
Oh god. He knows my NAME. This won't end well. I probably gave this douchebag my phone number too! LORD HELP ME.

(to arm)

Yes, yes! That's my name! NOW SERIOUSLY, GET THE FUCK UP.

ARM
Gleeenish. It'sh me. Your arm. You fell asleep on top offf me again and thought I wassshomeone else. You retard.


GLENNIS
What?! Oh! Oh god! That is so embarrassing! Oh god. Color me wrong, huh?? Haha. Sorry about that.

ARM
Seriously. This needs to stop. OH GOD! OUCH. EEEESSHH IT TINGLES!


GLENNIS
Haha, yeah... you must be waking up. Yikes. That's pretty painful I hear. Sorry... about... that.

ARM
When I wake up all the way I'm going to punch you in the vagina.


GLENNIS
Um... seriously that is not even necessary. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. You are my arm. You're a part of me. Can't we at least TRY to get along??

ARM
Get along!? GET ALONG! You think it's easy being your arm?? Always having to "high five" people and wipe your stupid ass. I mean, I literally WIPE YOUR ASS! How about using lefty over there for once in your life?!


GLENNIS
Shhh shhh shh, baby. Listen. (whispers) You know I can't use Lefty! He's retarded. You've seen the way he writes. And don't even get me started on his wiping abilities. Do I have to remind you of the month of skidmarks??

ARM
Uggh. FINE. Just... can you just please try to stop falling asleep on me? And for GODS SAKE stop biting my nails, woman! You should hear the other arms talk about me. They think I'm a total slob!


GLENNIS
Ok. I can totally do that. I'm really sorry about that. You... you have a little food on your wrist. Here... I'll get that.

ARM
GET OFF ME. Let's just forget this happened. I can't believe you thought you'd slept with me. You're such a whore.


GLENNIS
Yes, yes I am.

ARM
Get up. You're gonna be late for work.


GLENNIS
Thanks, Arm. You... you complete me.

ARM
Oh shut up will you? They already used that joke on The Office.


Glennis and Arm are now living in harmony thanks to Glennis' ability to stop being a total retard in all areas.

THE END

Le Jerk Offs

Well, it's official. I have terrible, terrible luck at movies/concerts/plays. I AM JINXED. I repeat, do not go see shows with me for I can guarantee beyond a shadow of a doubt that we will have first class, grade-A, jackwads sitting behind us. GUARAAAAANTEE IT.

Remember how I said I wasn't going to go see movies in movie theatres any more? Well I guess I forgot because when Liz asked if I wanted to go see Children of Men on Saturday night I jumped. Then I said yes. Then I asked where and she said, "42nd Street" and I cried a little. But you know how I roll, right guys? It's like that slutty song from Oklahoma. "I caaaain't saaaay no!...To doin' it up the pooper!" Isn't that how it goes?

ANYWAY...

So I'm in NJ at the time spending the day with my pals Kirby and Andrew. I mean the day was spent eating burgers and laughing at YouTube clips. So you know I pretty much could have set up camp there. I go back to New York a happy lady, take a shower at home, take my sweet time getting ready and head up to 42nd. Everything's gonna be FINE. There's no way that I'm going to get assholes behind me during this movie. (I mean, if I was going to see Happy Feet, SURE.)

Again, I was pretty confident this was going to be a great movie-going experience.

PRE. TEE. Confident.

I just... I mean... I just don't understand.

For those who've watched the movie you will appreciate this more, but for those who haven't (and I would tell you to see it HAD I ACTUALLY BEEN ALLOWED TO WATCH THE MOVIE) it is a pretty quiet movie. There are action-packed bits but for the most part it is pretty quiet. Which was great because I didn't miss out on the woman behind me.

THE DUMBEST WOMAN EVER WHO SAT BEHIND ME AT THE MOVIES.
(that was my alternate title for this post)

She was all, "What's that guy doing? What is that? Is he dead? Where'd she go? That's a man? Where's that car going? Who's that baby? Why they cryin? What's my name? Am I THE BIGGEST RETARD EVER?"

YES YOU ARE. YOU WIN THE PRIZE!

She just would not stop! I shushed her. Jeff shushed her. The people down the isle sushed her. WHAT THE FUCK!!!?!

Then let's add this. Let's add the dude sitting directly behind me (her date) bumping my seat throughout. Is that better? I even turned around and said, "can you stop bumping my seat please? Thank you!" And he said, "sorry." And then he bumped it some more.

!!!

But here's my favorite part:

At one point Michael Caine's character says, "Pull my finger" during a sad moment (I realize that makes no sense if you haven't seen it but trust me) and it was kinda funny but more sad than funny and I motherfuckingsweartogod she laughed so hard she spit on my arm and then repeated 5 times over the next 10 minutes "HE SAID PULL MY FINGER! HAR HAR HAR! HE SAID PULL MY FIIIIINGER!!"

At this point I leaned forward and quietly, but audibly, begged for Marcy to kill me.

And here's the kicker... Before the movie started the dude accidentally dropped his box of candy and it fell on me. I gave it back, natch. I shoulda eatin that bitches candy, yo.

HE SAID, "PULL MY FINGER!" HAAAAAAAaaaaaaa... cry.

So, no. I really have no idea if I liked Children of Men. Maybe you can go and tell me if it's good?

But was that the only encounter with Jerk Offs on Saturday night? Was it? WAS IT??

No. No it was not.

After the movie, Marcy and I went out on the town, as we're wont to do on a Saturday (Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etceraday...). We ended up at this fun danceteria called Pyramid on the lower east side. Further into the night I'm standing outside with Amanda and I've had a few drinks and when I drink I get talky so these two dudes walk by and I say, "hhhhello Boys" in my best Mae West voice. And the boys stop and talk to us. These particular boys are French. And right off the bat they're humongous douchebags. (SURPRISE SURPRISE!)

ME
I'd love to go to Europe. Where should I go?

FRENCHIE
Denmark, blah blah blah other places.

ME
Denmark sounds amazing. I have a friend living there.

FRENCHIE
The girls there are amazing. Their butts are so hard. Perfect asses. No women are as good as that in America.

(um.)

ME
Yeah but they're boring as shit.

FRENCHIE
So... what do you do for a living?

ME
I'm an actress.

FRENCHIE
Oooh. You have to change a lot.

ME
Excuse me?

FRENCHIE
(looking me up and down)
YOU HAVE A LOT YOU NEED TO CHANGE.

ME
LIKE WHAT. (DICKHEAD.)

FRENCHIE
(realizing he's insulted me YET AGAIN)
Like.. um you're earrings.

(I had large hoops on. So... If I take these off I'm perfect? RIGHT ON.)

ME
Thanks.

FRENCHIE
You know how you can tell an American girl?

ME
How?

FRENCHIE
They are all bitter. (Not sure if this is what he actually said but we'll pretend like it was since what he actually said was probably much douchier.)


ME
Wow. Really? Wow. Well you know how you can tell French boys?

FRENCHIE
How?

ME
AN EENY WEENY TEENY PEENY.

And then I said, "see you assholes later!" and walked into the bar with Amanda cracking up behind me.

I think they really did have teeny peenies because their faces went slack and they walked away. UG. Why? Why live here if you're going to insult America girls when you go out? I wouldn't move to France and tell French dudes they need to put on deodorant and stop being so queeah. Would I? (I totally would.)

So that's my Saturday full of Le Jerk Off Brigade. Hope you didn't encounter too many dbags on your weekend. I'm starting to realize the only way to avoid them is to stay inside. And yet that's a promise I just can't keep to myself. Cuz I like to party. I like, I like to party. THE VENGA BUS IS COMING. (oh jesus)

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

The Glam That Is Glen

First, let me point out that I don't like when people call me "Glen" (well, there's a few that can get away with it BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) so don't think my title is an excuse to do so.

Second, this is the glam life that I live:

I hosted a show about weddings (see: Always a Bridesmaid...Scaring the Bride) with my friend Kate on Friday night. On Tuesday of last week I went to the Salvation Army at 49th/10th Ave (a treck, ok?) and bought two dresses that looked similar so Kate and I could look like bridesmaids at a wedding and work it out in our opening bit of the show. Did we work it out? Did we EVER. The dresses were $25 each. So let's start there.

The show was at the PIT theatre at 11pm. On a Friday. Now, I have to tell you that in my mind I was like "OF COURSE people will want to spend their Friday nights at a shitty comedy theatre (or "club" if you're talking to Jeff) on 29th street watching a show about weddings. I MEAN... OF COURSE!"

We had 7 people in the audience.

100% of them were our friends.

100% of the 7 people in the audience were friends we begged to come to our show.

At the PIT if you don't bring in 15 people at $8 each then you have to pay the balance.

I should mention Kate bought a bottle of champagne for the show at around a sweet $10.

And our tech canceled last minute. Let's hire a tech person. Let's pay them $20.

At the end of the night we gave that lovely theatre $64 for letting us perform there.

That's right. In my glamorous life I get to spend $144 (divided by two) on a show for 7 people who are all our friends and could have watched that shit in my kitchen for free.

And you know what?

I would have done it again in a second.

I LOVE YOU, NEW YORK! YOU STUPID, DIRTY VAGINA!

Love,

Glennis

What The Hell, Guys?

I just re-watched my Ellen DJ audition video and realized that I posted my phone number and my email address on it AND NOT ONE PERSON HAS STALKED ME BASED ON THAT INFORMATION.

What the eff!?

Anywholeftthebathroomlighton...

I have a show tonight. And you should please come.


Eliza, as Keith Richards, rides on the back of me, as a dragon. That's just how we roll.

I EAT PANDAS
1/4/07 (Tonight)
7:00pm
Mo Pitkin's
34 Avenue A @ 2nd Avenue
$10

Please come. I'm not begging... no I am. Please come.

I love you.

(I throw that phrase around a lot. Pretty soon it's gonna stop meaning as much.)

Love,

Glennis

NYR #1

I didn't really set a list of New Year's Resolutions for myself. I'm already on a workout kick (read: I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME ON MY HANDS) and I'm pretty much all-around awesome otherwise. I mean, I could probably stand to floss more but then again I've never had a cavity in my life so take off, will ya.

So here's my first resolution of the new year. I think it's quite lovely.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION NO. 1 OF 1,000 BY GLENNIS F. McMURRAY

I shall stop using so many exclamation points and ":)" to express my excitement and/or general delight when IMing and/or gchatting with pals.

There. I think that's a great start. I'm really very excited about this one. I'm also smiling. Neither of which are probably very well expressed here as I'm no longer allowed to use an exclamation point (unless someone has told me really great news... oh wait... I should have exceptions...)

EXCEPTIONS TO RULE NO. 1 (OF 1,000)

1. The reception of really great news.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Pal - I just had a baby!
Me - Wow.

ACCEPTABLE:
Pal - I just had a baby!
Me - Wow! :)

2. A smiling contest.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Pal - :) :) :)
Me - ...

ACCEPTABLE:
Pal - :) :) :)
Me - :) :) :) :) I WIN

3. Announcing great personal news.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Me - I just cured cancer.
Pal - I don't get it.

ACCEPTABLE:
Me - I just cured cancer!!
Pal - YOU ARE MY HERO!!

4. When receiving compliments.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Pal - You might be the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. No, you definitely are.
Me - Thanks.

ACCEPTABLE:
Pal - You are so fucking pretty.
Me - Thanks!! :)

5. When talking with a child.
UNACCEPTABLE:
Little Pal - Hi! Wee! :) Poop!
Me - Hello.

ACCEPTABLE:
Little Pal - Hi! Wee! :) Poop!
Me - Hello! :)

I think that covers all my bases. Oh except I forgot one last one: When talking with the President of the United States.

...EXCEPT THAT FITS UNDER RULE #5. OHHHHH! TREATED! (see, those needed exclamation points.)

WELL DONE, GLENNIS.

New Years Resolution #2 TBA.

Have a really and truly wonderful day.

Love,

Glennis

Movies and the People Who Ruin Them

A lot of people rely on my opinions of popular movies/tv/music in order to know which to "pick" and which to "pass", so it's no wonder I've gotten countless emails asking what I thought of Dreamgirls. And now...

I present to you my review of Dreamgirls.



"OH MY GOD WHY WON'T THAT FUCKING LADY BEHIND ME SHUT UP!?"



You're welcome!



Seriously. I don't understand what is going on with people these days. I realize I live in NY. Yes. I do. I realize people are loud and obnoxious here, specifically at the 42nd & 34th Street movie theatres. But sometimes dammit I have places to be and want to see a movie and only have a specific allotted time to see that movie and I HAVE TO GO TO THOSE THEATRES.

We, as humans, can't sit still and be present (sorry, I hate that term but it fits) for 2 hours? Seriously? You can't just sit, be quiet, NOT CHECK YOUR CELL PHONE EVERY TWO MINUTES OMGNOONEFUCKINGTEXTEDYOUSTOPCHECKING FOR TWO HOURS!!?

Never once have I been to a movie and felt the need to talk to my friends. NOT ONCE. Seriously. Ok, maybe if I go to the bathroom cuz I got a super combo #1 and those sodas are big y'all, right? If I go to the bathroom at the movie theatre (sidenote: does anyone else feel like they're going to be killed in a bathroom movie stall when there's no one else in there? No? That's just me? Seriously? Wow. I thought that was a general feeling we all got. Good to know.) and come back and need to be caught up THEN maybe I talk. But here's how that goes:

Me: (WHISPERING) Fill me in.
Friend: This. Then this. Then this.
Me: I DON'T SAY ANYTHING HERE BECAUSE I GOT ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED.

And you want to know what I think? I think people in NY, at those movie theatre specifically, talk because they know they can. They know that I know that if I say anything to them they will talk louder/call me a slut face/throw popcorn in my hair. And what can I do to that? Get up, get the manager, look like a total d-bag, miss 1/2 the movie, etc? GOD. Can I get an amen, people?

A. MEN.

The woman sitting behind me at Dreamgirls was an 80 year old black woman. She, "Oh child. Mmmm hmmm! YOU HEEEEEARD!" her way through the first 30 minutes of the movie. I turned around and "shhhhsh"d her and she said to the man she was with, "Yo, I will snap that white chick's neck off."

Seriously? You're going to snap my neck off? Seriously, GRANDMA??

Then she says, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!"

Fuck you and fuck your freedom of speech, lady! I'm tryin to watch me some Jennifer Hudson rip that shit up!

Then the idiots next to me started laughing at what she was doing. HA. HA. OLD LADY SAY FUNNY THING. YORNK! Stupid cock faces! They paid for it later when she kept right on talking, and talking... AND TALKING. The girl sitting next to me, one of the ones laughing, leaned over and goes "I thought it was funny at first, now it's just annoying."

OH. MY. GOD.

It's just like... Ahg! Come on!

Which is why I'm never going to a movie in a movie theatre again.

BOYCOTT! (Or as Becky Poole says, "GIRLCOTT!")

That brings the count of things I'm boycotting in '07 to... let me seeeee... Six:

1. Movies in movie theatres
2. Canal Street
3. Christmas
4. New Years
5. Puppy Stores (cuz I just want to buy one and I know I can't)
6. Any bar where gross frat dudes hang out

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A BITTER, JADED YEAR, OLD GAL!

But seriously, if you're reading this and you think you might be someone who talks at movies, PLEASE... PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN THIS WORLD

SHUT THE FUCK UP

Yay!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I'm calling it right now. Jennifer Hudson, Academy Award, Best Supporting Actress


What?

You heard me.


Me?

You know it, Huds.


For realz?

Word.


You mean it?

That's enough.

Shmappee Shmoo Schmear

Happy New Deer!



Happy Brew Beer!



Happy Food Schmear!



Sappy Blue Beard!



Naughty Dude Skier!



Happy New YEAR!



----

Eliza and I at the Ars Nova Christmas party. Aren't we an adorable couple?



----

Last night we were such party animals that we logged on to my computer and watched this video. Over. And over. AND OVER. It's hilarious even when you're not high/drunk on New Years cheer.



Then Stan tried to convince us this video was hilarious. I seriously started freaking out a little. Not a good video to watch under the influence, Stanley! But here, if you guys want to watch it... be my guest.



Happy New Year, guys.

I hope you had a great night!

Here's to a great '07.

Love,

Glennis