Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Movies and the People Who Ruin Them

A lot of people rely on my opinions of popular movies/tv/music in order to know which to "pick" and which to "pass", so it's no wonder I've gotten countless emails asking what I thought of Dreamgirls. And now...

I present to you my review of Dreamgirls.



"OH MY GOD WHY WON'T THAT FUCKING LADY BEHIND ME SHUT UP!?"



You're welcome!



Seriously. I don't understand what is going on with people these days. I realize I live in NY. Yes. I do. I realize people are loud and obnoxious here, specifically at the 42nd & 34th Street movie theatres. But sometimes dammit I have places to be and want to see a movie and only have a specific allotted time to see that movie and I HAVE TO GO TO THOSE THEATRES.

We, as humans, can't sit still and be present (sorry, I hate that term but it fits) for 2 hours? Seriously? You can't just sit, be quiet, NOT CHECK YOUR CELL PHONE EVERY TWO MINUTES OMGNOONEFUCKINGTEXTEDYOUSTOPCHECKING FOR TWO HOURS!!?

Never once have I been to a movie and felt the need to talk to my friends. NOT ONCE. Seriously. Ok, maybe if I go to the bathroom cuz I got a super combo #1 and those sodas are big y'all, right? If I go to the bathroom at the movie theatre (sidenote: does anyone else feel like they're going to be killed in a bathroom movie stall when there's no one else in there? No? That's just me? Seriously? Wow. I thought that was a general feeling we all got. Good to know.) and come back and need to be caught up THEN maybe I talk. But here's how that goes:

Me: (WHISPERING) Fill me in.
Friend: This. Then this. Then this.
Me: I DON'T SAY ANYTHING HERE BECAUSE I GOT ALL THE INFORMATION I NEED.

And you want to know what I think? I think people in NY, at those movie theatre specifically, talk because they know they can. They know that I know that if I say anything to them they will talk louder/call me a slut face/throw popcorn in my hair. And what can I do to that? Get up, get the manager, look like a total d-bag, miss 1/2 the movie, etc? GOD. Can I get an amen, people?

A. MEN.

The woman sitting behind me at Dreamgirls was an 80 year old black woman. She, "Oh child. Mmmm hmmm! YOU HEEEEEARD!" her way through the first 30 minutes of the movie. I turned around and "shhhhsh"d her and she said to the man she was with, "Yo, I will snap that white chick's neck off."

Seriously? You're going to snap my neck off? Seriously, GRANDMA??

Then she says, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH! FREEDOM OF SPEECH!"

Fuck you and fuck your freedom of speech, lady! I'm tryin to watch me some Jennifer Hudson rip that shit up!

Then the idiots next to me started laughing at what she was doing. HA. HA. OLD LADY SAY FUNNY THING. YORNK! Stupid cock faces! They paid for it later when she kept right on talking, and talking... AND TALKING. The girl sitting next to me, one of the ones laughing, leaned over and goes "I thought it was funny at first, now it's just annoying."

OH. MY. GOD.

It's just like... Ahg! Come on!

Which is why I'm never going to a movie in a movie theatre again.

BOYCOTT! (Or as Becky Poole says, "GIRLCOTT!")

That brings the count of things I'm boycotting in '07 to... let me seeeee... Six:

1. Movies in movie theatres
2. Canal Street
3. Christmas
4. New Years
5. Puppy Stores (cuz I just want to buy one and I know I can't)
6. Any bar where gross frat dudes hang out

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A BITTER, JADED YEAR, OLD GAL!

But seriously, if you're reading this and you think you might be someone who talks at movies, PLEASE... PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN THIS WORLD

SHUT THE FUCK UP

Yay!

Love,

Glennis

PS - I'm calling it right now. Jennifer Hudson, Academy Award, Best Supporting Actress


What?

You heard me.


Me?

You know it, Huds.


For realz?

Word.


You mean it?

That's enough.

3 comments:

Dan Dickinson said...

I cannot tell you how right you are.

The other day, I was inflicted with having to not only see a horrible seasonal-titled horror movie, but it was at AMC Empire 25.

I knew I was in for hell when a family walked in - with two young kids - and promptly talked loud enough for the whole theater to hear for the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE. I'm sitting 14 rows down-wind of them and I can still hear them loud and clear.

Anytime someone would shush them, they'd laugh and mockingly shush back.

Then the people in front of us started shit. It was triple mind-rape - from behind, from the front, and from the horrible movie above my head.

Somehow, I managed to escape without dying, even though my wife is loudly telling people to shut the fuck up.

Fuck movie theaters.

(It's not limited to New York, either. Was seeing Hannibal, many years ago, at a theater in Maryland - midway through to movie, someone shouts "SOMEONE CALL 911, MY HUSBAND IS BEING ASSAULTED". Yes, they were having a fight in a movie theater during a slow part of Hannibal. AMAZING.)

natasha said...

Sometimes it can make the movie better. When I saw Wild Things and Kevin Bacon walked out of the shower fully naked someone in the front screamed, "WHAT THE???" It was the best part of the movie!

Glennis said...

Ug Dan. I feel your pain.

And Natasha... that does not surprise me.

Also, I saw that shit of a "movie" called Red Planet (I think that was it) and it was so terrible that the audience started talking to each other and making hilarious commentary over the movie. That was definitely better.