Formula GM

Thank you guys for the great music suggestions! I just bought Exile in Guyville because SO many people flipped when I mentioned it. Saying it's one of their favorite albums of all time. Also, Imogen Heap is GREAT. I had some of her stuff but got some more!

Push - Madonna... love it!!
Odelay has been revisited... love it! missed it!
Matthew Sweet has just been listened to for the first time. I need to apply my formula to him to see if I really like the song.

So here's my formula for deciding if I really like a song:

1st listen to it once.
2nd wait three days.
3rd listen to it once more.
4th wait one day.
5th listen to it two times in a row.

Do you like it? If so, it's a good song for you. If not, ditch it.

I was listening to UK radio at work because they were having the top 500 songs of all time countdown. I heard the new Rolling Stones song Rain Fall Down. I'm not a huge Stones fan so I didn't really like it. But then, three days later I heard it again. And there was something about it. Then... yes, you guessed it. One day later I heard it once, then realized I love it so I bought it and listened to it twice. IZ GOOD!

Also, here's a new song that you might like. I love it...Walking With A Ghost by Tegan and Sara. So good! Makes me dance.

Oh and here's something I'm hesitant to admit but I'm going to do it. I love an Ashlee Simpson song. Yes, it's true. L.O.V.E. remixed by Missy Elliott makes me dance like a crazy woman. I really l.i.k.e. it.

Now I'm off to find a pretty diddy to wear tonight for new years. Whatever i get it's going to be paired with my green chucks because I plan on dancing the night away.

Also, if you've always wanted to be a dj, send me a list of songs you love to dance to along with your dj name and I'll play them at an upcoming DDPP. Or you can go here: www.dancedancepartyparty.com and click on song list. Then pick the songs you like and send them.

Thanks dudes!!

(also that website was designed by me. all by hand-writing html. you love?)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Oh and B.O.B. by Outkast is the best song probably ever.

Glennis

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas lovelies! I'm in Chicago and it's foggy and cold and I'm having a GREAT time.

Christmas Eve was spent at a local bar drinking with friends and I have to say it was one of the best xmas eve's I've had in a long time (I'm not a huge fan of xmas - sorry to be a grinch). So yes, last night was great. And we ended the night sitting in bed watching a yule log on tv eating nachos, hot dogs and slurpees from 7/11. I love you 7/11! And I love Rossi's bar in Chicago for staying open until a lovely 3am.

But you know who gets a huge Christmas Eve thumbs down from me? The douchebags who played The Allman Brothers Mountain Jam LIVE on the Juke Box at 11:00pm. Does anyone want to take a guess at how long the song is? Anyone? Just take a wild guess.

THIRTY. THREE. MINUTES. AND. THIRTY. SIX. SECONDS.

That's 33:36 I will never get back. That's 33:36 longer I had to wait to hear Stevie Wonder sing Sir Duke.

That's 33:36 I used to turn the bar against those db's who played the song and then didn't own up to it.

Now I'm all for The Allman Brothers (granted, I don't really enjoy jam bands unless I'm high...and I haven't been high in years) but how DARE you play a 33 minute and 36 second song in a bar?! CRAP man!

So I hope you all had a great xmas eve. And Mary Mac, thanks for the night-ending shot.

Loving Chicago and your AWESOME music suggestions (keep them coming!!),

Glennis

It discovers you

For some reason music has not played a huge part in my life through the years. I'd listen to whatever was popular I guess... I really didn't have an eclectic taste in music nor did I really care. Music just wasn't that important to me. It's gotten better over the years but I really never knew a lot about music or artists and I didn't have many CDs that I hadn't acquired between the ages of 14 and 18.

Not that I didn't know what I liked.

Recently my friend Marcy and I were out at a bar and, as was our norm, we heard a great song on the juke box and got up to start dancing. People looked at us as if we were crazy but we didn't care... we loved to dance and we found that particular song dance-worthy.

(I was actually reminded of us last night when watching the Bobby Brown Christmas Special. A group of carolers come to their house and begin to sing something carolly like "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" or something equally as Christmas-ey and Bobby and Whitney started grooving to the music. Dancing like they were listening to "Word Up" or something. Sure, it could have been that they were high as kites, but I like to think Marcy and I have something in common with Whitney and Bobby... the groove is IN US.)

But I digress.

So I posted earlier that I started a thing called Dance Dance Party Party. It's kind of taking over my life. I love it so much I really can't remember the last time I was this into something (non-human). It's made me start listening for great dance songs everywhere I go. I'll be in the deli and hear a song and quickly write down the title (or lyrics if I have no idea what the title is which happens most of the time because, again, I never really listened to music) and head home to immediately download it.

Not that I never listened to music, that's sort of impossible. But I never really HEARD music before now. I didn't fall in love with Radiohead until I was 24 and their album "Hail to the Thief" came out. Yes, sadly that was my first real exposure to Radiohead. Now I'm completely in love with them (and have all their other albums).

I'll download songs like "Electric Avenue" or "You can dance if you want to" for DDPP and although I know I've heard them a million times I'm like "this is such a great song!!" as if it's a new release.

I also love to listen to songs over and over until I can't hear it one more time. My latest song obsession is "Keeping the dream alive" by Freiheit. I'm pretty sure it's reaching the top of my 'most played' on my ipod. The synthesyzery voices wrap my brain in comfort only matched by the consumption of multiple glasses of wine and a few horse tranquelizers. It covers my brain in butter. It wraps me in swadling clothes and rocks me gently. It's so good! And again, I'm pretty sure I've heard this song before but just now it's brand new to me.

Same goes for Madonna. I never ever liked her in the 80s or 90s. I actually kind of hated her. I know that's almost sacrilege but it's true. I'm coming clean, people. Now I can't get enough Madonna (although I'm not too crazy about the bits of her new album I've heard. Is there another great dance song on there aside from Hung Up?

Same goes for Elvis Costello. How amazing is he??

I got "the pocket dj" by Sarah Lewittin (DJ Ultragrrrl) and I'm finding some gems in there.

So here's my request for you guys. Give me some more stuff to listen to and download. Stuff that I probably haven't heard, something that makes you tap your foot, or just moves you.

So I guess the saying is true, you don't discover music; it discovers you. Is that a saying? Can it be now?

Looking forward to your responses!

Glennis

me me me me me. all mine

I got an email from a friend the other day that Fuse was looking for people to submit jokes for a new show that sort of a cross between "weekend update" and "daily show" so I of course jumped at the oportunity. I slacked off until the last second and handed in 6 jokes two hours after the deadline.

So, because they were probably not even looked at and will never see the light of day, I'd like to present my favorite here for you, dear reader.

Enjoy!

In Star magazine Enrique Iglesias was recently quoted as saying, "The next product I'm gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people--you know, from experience."

Factory workers have already begun manufacturing the extra-small condoms and have reported they're having trouble telling when the condoms are in the box.

Ooooh snap! Glennis, you are comedy GOLD my friend. Comedy GOLD.

Happy Transit Strike!

Love,
Glennis

Stupid Transit Strike!!

Thanks a lot MTA! You are SO Selfish! It always has to be about you, doesn't it??No one even NOTICED my new haircut today! You ruin EVERYTHING!!

I hate you!



SLAM!

Watchin' With Glennis 12/15

IT'S BACK!

My favorite reality shows of all the reality shows I'm obsessed with!

You guessed it!

"Old dudes with moles"


No no, I kid.

PROJECT RUNWAY!!

Project Runway? More like Project FUNWAY. Am I right?!?

Wow, I love love this show. I don't even design clothes or wear designer clothes or know anyone in the designing clothes industry (although I once had a girl who sat across from me in art class tell me she'd designed a dress called the "Glennis" and she showed me the sketch and I almost started crying. Plain. Oh so plain.) but I totally love this show.

First of all kkkhhhHeidi Kluuooooom is just too much. You know she's one of those women who is just naturally perfect AND she's German so she says things like, "I don't understand depression or sadness. That is weakness. Wrinkles are also weakness." but I still love her all the same.

Ok my favorite new character is Santino. The name alone.. my god! It's just perfect.



He is the FACE of cocky. He was one of the ones last night with the "highest or lowest score" so he and 4 others were left on the runway at the end. Heidi says, "Santino..." and he steps forward just SURE he's won that week's challenge. She says, "We LOVED your design." And Santina doubles over with giggly delight and gushes, "oh you did! hehehehe! prance!" to which Heidi replies, "yes, you may leave the runway."

Oh daaaaaamn. No they DI-UNT! His face drops and he storms off the runway and sulks in the corner. How DARE they not pick him as top designer of the week!!

Honestly I liked his design a bit more than the one that won. But I would have done the same thing just to see his face.

I love him.

And if that weren't the best part about him, watch his audition tape. He beat boxes, plays a shoot-em-up video game, plays the guitar and boxes in first 30 seconds. Oh you cocky, cocky bastard.

One final note... Daniel Marco can you please finish one outfit on time? Thanks.

Watch this show!

Confused?

Dear loyal readers and close friends!

I now have an Amazon wish list!

Hooray!

Happy Holidays!

Love!

Glennis!


And no, manual labor is NOT considered a gift.

You can dance if you want to

LADIES

You are officially invited to Dance Dance Party Party, aka: my new workout plan.

Twice a week a bunch of sweet chicks gather in a room and dance to awesome music THAT SPANS GENERATIONS. No boys. No booze. Disco light. Leg warmers are optional but encouraged.

Everyone shares in the cost of the room. ($44 total)

Bring music, or dance to our mixes.

For more info contact dancedancepartyparty at gmail dot com.

Glennis the kick-ass putter

Wanna see it?

Here it goes.

out of this world

I don't even know what to say. This website blows my mind!

(play the games... and stick with them!)

Bathroom Humor

Hey guys, what's up.

I'm at work in my fancy law firm full of fancy lawyers who I really don't deal with that much, but when I do it's always a joy.

I just went to the bathroom and since it's nearing the end of the day I was lucky enough to choose the stall with no toilet paper left. Grr! Don't you hate that!!? Luckily I had gone #1 so I could have just pulled up my pants and waddled to the next stall to finish the job, but just as I was about to do so... someone walked into the bathroom. I sat there for a minute thinking I'd wait them out (and give my butt its "out of pants" time for today) and then that minute turned into 2... and I started to panic. Was this person ever going to leave?

I realize this is not the kind of situation that warrants panic mode, but again, I'm Glennis and I love to worry and/or panic about insignificant things.

So I sat there one minute more (they weren't in a stall... there was no noise coming from outside... and I could still see their feet if I bent down. What were they doing!?) and then decided to be bold and ask that person, whoever they may be: secretary or lawyer, for toilet paper.

"Excuse me? Can you hand me some toilet paper, I'm out in here."

No answer.

"Hello?"

Hm... maybe they left and I didn't hear the door shut because I was so deep in thought?

I peaked down and their feet were still there!!!

"Excuse me??" I whined in my sweetiest sweeterstein voice.

NOTHING.

Who the hell is refusing to answer my pleas for soft cushiony goodness to wipe my lady parts?!?

That, my friends, I will never know. I suppose I could go around the office looking for a woman with nude stockings and black pumps, but I suppose that's like looking for a needle in a needle stack isn't it?

I did finally get myself some TP. And I gave myself a big kiss in the mirror just to replenish the love.


Little did Glennis know, half-way around the world her long lost fraternal twin brother was experiencing the exact same thing.

Are you too good for your HOME!?

I was just sitting here eating my salad which contains:

1. Lettuce
2. Chicken (grilled, slightly seasoned)
3. Beats (cooked, not pickled)
4. Sprouts (pointless)
5. Bacon
6. Peas

I took a bite and "boing!" a pea jumped right off my fork and landed in my lap.

Do you think it got confused and was trying to go home?

Because it's a pea.

So it got confused.

and tried to go to my PEE HOLE

G Diddy

I feel like I'm pretty much on the cusp of being so famous I can't eat out without someone trying to swipe my napkin to sell on ebay. I mean... I was in a COMMERCIAL. So today I was contacted... I mean my publicist, manager? Both of those things were contacted today about my own clothing line. At first I was all "who do I think I am, Puffy?" Then after an uncomfortable 5-minute silence (during which people were probably considering if what I had just said was racist or not) I thought, "hey, I could be a black dude! I mean have a clothing line."

I signed the contracts without really knowing what the clothes were going to look like. And now I think I might regret that. Here's the line. It's only a few peices. I think I need a lawyer.


PEE PANTS BOXER SHORTS


PUBIE HAIR BABY TEE


SEXY SKID-MARK THONG UNDIES

I could have died. Just DIED!

Dear Seventeen Magazine:

First time writer, long time reader! OMGOMGICANTBELIEVEIMDOINGTHIS! LOL LOL!!LOL! ROFL!!

So, oh my god, this is like my total most embarassing moment ever. Seriously, it will like totally beat any of your other embarassing moments, like, ever.

I was on the train going up to my really professional office job in the city. I am new at everything so I really want to make a good impression on people, well, everywhere. So I was totally dressed really nice. I even had pearls on... I felt so grown up!

At my job we have to use card keys to get in and out of the building and the doors on our floor (so no unauthorized people get in and attack us! I know what happens, I watch MTV News!). My card is attached to a little clip that I can pin to my pants. I kinda think it looks dorky (LOL!!!) but I wear it anyway. The clip is attached to a retractable cord so I can pull it out and open the door.

So this morning, like I said, I'm on the train with a bunch of totally professional business guys. (Suits and ties and everything!) I was almost to my stop on the train so I reached into my bag to pull out my card key. I felt it in one of the pockets (filled with so much stuff, omg!) and pulled it out. Except that the clip was stuck on something in my bag so the cord just pulled out really long. I kept tugging on the card to try and get the clip out but it was seriously stuck! Tug! Tug! Tug! Until finally I tugged with all my might and "POP!" out it comes.

And oh my gosh, Seventeen, you'll never guess what came with it.

A tampon!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

LOL!!

And not only did a tampon (OB because it's more absorbent) come flying out but it HIT A BUSINESS MAN... IN THE EYE!!!!

COULD YOU JUST DIE!!!!!?????!?!?

Well I almost did! It was almost as embarassing as the time I stepped in poop and didn't notice until I was in homeroom!

Well I guess I won't be riding that train to work anymore. How can I show my face there again! LOL!

Sincerely,

Embarassed in NY

PS - The guy's eye was ok. I don't think he knew what hit him but OMG I did!
PPS - I left the OB Tampon on the train. Should I have picked it up???
PPPS - Jake Gyllenhaal is SOOOO DREAMY!!

Kraft! Get out of my head!

I just saw a commercial for Kraft's new crumble cheese. The jingle is "You're crumbelievable!" to the tune of "you're unbelievable."

I mean... seriously Kraft! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

The commercial starts with the WWF Announcer saying "Llllllllllllet's get ready to CRUMBLE!!"

"The thing. You crave. That big cheese taste just blows you away. They're crumbelievable."

Why couldn't I have been the one to sing that jingle!?!?!

Siiigh. I <3 you Kraft Marketing Team.

Love,
Glennis


Mike knew his new ad campain would get him the ladies, but he had no idea they'd be just his type!

Big Small Cat Dog... Go!

Voice over auditions are always a bit elusive for me, I'm never sure what exactly to do with the copy they hand me (especially when it's one line like, "bring your camera." What?) But sometimes the copy writers... is that what they're called?... provide a little help in how to read the copy. Sometimes it's, "Nicole Richie mixed with Ganene Garofallo with a little Midwest Housewife" which totes helps me out. But the other day was by far the best. It was a voice over for Six Flags in which the "artist" was talking about the "buy your ticket get one for a Friend" promotion. The description on how to read the copy went like this:

"Movie trailer mom girl should be your inspiration."

So I of course knocked it out of the park with a little dash of Katherine Hepburn mixed with some Bai Ling and just a hint of my little sister.

My only question is why they continued auditioning mom girls after I had clearly bagged it.

It's the little things

How my life resembles a celebrity, part one of a billion.

This morning I woke up after a night of restless sleep caused by scary dudes screaming mean words at some other dude from their car off and on all night, (Right under my window!) and stepped on the pointy part of my iron which I had left by my bed last night.

I know, Gwyneth Paltrow?

Nope, it's just me. I assure you.

Living learning and all that bullcrap

So the pilot I made for www.channel102.com did not get in, but you beautiful people have a golden opportunity to watch it right here in the comfort of your own home! Yay!

This is the first thing I've written and helped direct and been in so it was Pretty Sweet. Or PS as we kids say.

Hope you like it!!

Love,

Glennis

http://www.lukeward.com/urchins/FinalOutputV2.mov

Priceless

Relaxation CD: $7.95


New King-Size comfort bedding: $45.00


Lavendar scented calming spray: $9.00


Waking up to the sound of sirens: Priceless


For everything else there's WHY CAN'T I EVER SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!GODDAMNITLETMESLEEEPWHATTHEFU... oh crap, someone was just hit by a car.

Wake me up before I bid-bid

Hey guys, what's up.

So remember how I told you I've had a really hard time sleeping and pretty much have insomnia (which I actually think sounds so cool because, as most of you know, I love diseases and medical stuff and insomnia really sounds like a great disease). Anywho... I got a prescription for Ambien from my doc. I took it the first weekend and wow, it was amazing! I felt so great, I woke up at 7am, I worked out, I took a cat nap (first one!), it was really great.

About a week and a half later I went out with some friends from work. I drank two beers but it was one of those nights where I was so distracted by seeing people I hadn't see in a long time and I wasn't at all drunk, so I guess I kinda forgot I had had them. So I went home and took Ambien. I was talking on my computer to some friends and all the sudden my eyes started getting fuzzy and I couldn't see what I was typing. I told my friends I had to sign off and go to bed (I think that's what I said! Lynn?? Megan??) and I crawled into bed and fell asleep without incident.

OR DID I??

The next day my boyfriend says, "do you remember calling me last night??"

"WHAT?"

"You called me last night and said you were sleepy and dizzy."

Ok don't remember that at all.

So I went about my day, ladida, and that night I went home, got in bed, and took another Ambien. I layed there for a minute and then thought, "hmm... I should go on my computer." So I got up, got my laptop and got on line. Next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning, checking my email and... WHAT'S THIS?? I bid on a BED FRAME on eBay while I was on an Abien blackout!

Well at least I didn't bid on something that was really expensive. And I did need a bed frame. Oh I won it btw.

But my therapist said that people have done crazy thins on Ambien... like trying to drive their car!!

I was conscious enough to place a bid for something I knew I needed. What else could I do??

Of course this is not making me want to STOP taking it, but makes me want to try and do stuff while on it.

Which I know I won't. I'm not stupid, you guys.

Or AM I?!?!

But I will probably get a prescription for Lunesta. Butterfly sleep!

I'll keep you abreast of the situation.

Hehe.
Abreast.


Gary liked to blame his problems on Ambien, but even the dog knew it was more. Much, much more.

All I wanna do is report some news

So last night instead of dressing up and wandering the streets of Manhattan for Halloween, my man and I went to the Sheryl Crow concert at Lincoln Center. I know, Lincoln Center? It was SO awesome you guys! She is amazing. And she played a ton of new songs of her really great new album which you need to get if you haven't already.

Sitting in front of us was Harry Smith. Harry Smith from CBS news, you know? I know who he is because he introduces himself by saying, "Harry Smith, CBS News." He's an aquaintance of my boyfriend and we once saw him in a hotel in Chicago with his sons. That's how he introduced himself. Is that weird? I think so.

So he was rocking out alone in front of us to Sheryl Crow. But that actually gave me more respect for him. Anyone who is man enough to go to a Sheryl Crow concert alone, in a suit, and who can stand up and "dance" to the fast songs is all right wif me.



Oh, and to the distracting guy in the tight white t-shirt and jeans up to your navel who danced in the balcony to my right the entire night... with your own mini guitar... I'd just like to say I'm not sure who brings their own mini guitar to a Sheryl Crow concert and pretends to play to her songs, but you my friend are one wild and crazy, and dare I say distracting, guy.

Who you callin dummy, dummy?

As is apt to happen cuz I'm a LADY, I've changed my mind about my halloween costume AGAIN.

What do you think?

Wish I May

This may reveal much more into my inner psyche than I'd like to reveal, but I've been having some wacky dreams lately. I usually have some crazy ones but these are like, "text book" dreams. Or as Eliza said, a dream you'd write about if you were to write about a girl having dreams. Or something like that.

So the other night I had a dream that I was at my ex-fiance's parents' house with my current boyfriend. My ex was getting married and his new fiance was there. I was sitting across from her and she looked exactly like me. Only she was 400 lbs. I kept thinking, "god, that is so weird that she looks JUST like me." I looked away and when I turned back she looked just like me but she was black. And I thought, "wierd. I thought she was Irish."

Then last night I had a dream that I was on a frozen ice scape like in that Penguin movie. I was naked and all I had was a blanket. And it wasn't big enough to cover all of me and keep me warm. So I pretty much knew I was going to die.

Now that 2nd dream could have been because I was cold last night.

Or I maybe shouldn't take any trips to Antarctica? Right? Guys?

Don't you guys hate it when you dream that you found money and you wake up all, "Woo! I found money!" and then realize was a dream. Don't you hate that?






Happened in my dream, not in real life.




did NOT happen in my dream




The cat version of my dream self

Wow

Sorry about that last post folks. Angry drunk!

So is this terrible of me? Last week I went to get my haircut at this nice salon on Christopher St. I brought in a picture and everything. The girl was nice but a little "off" and when she told me she was from Staten Island I thought "uh oh." Is that totally terrible of me? Don't answer, I know. I just had this thought she'd do a bad job.

I mean, she did do a bad job.

What do you guys think?

Hey you stupid bitches!!!

I;m DRUNK!!

Halloween 2005

I've finally chosen a costume for halloween this year and I refuse to take it off until November 1st.

Little Mouth of Horrors

There's something I love so much about going to the dentist.

What was it again?



Oh right. Nothing.

At least she was professional. Cut the small talk and got right to work.

I took a picture to capture the timeless experience.

FINALLY!

Gawdam!

Almost a full year after it was shot, CNN.com has my commercial up. Check it out! Go to www.cnn.com/yourcommand and click on the Anderson Cooper (rrreoww, silver fox) commercial called "Stuck on You."

Thrilling!

Plum obsessed

Lately I've been obsessed with the word "plum" and the image of a plum and I'm not sure why. I decided to name my website design company (that I'll be launching in approximately 2 1/2 months) plum designs and I bought plum diet Snapple iced tea the other day. I find this weird because I've never really thought about plums one way or another. They rank down there with stock market prices and testicular cancer (see: things I never think about).

This recent revelation has prompted me to think about something else I never think about: a girl I used to work with.

This girl was not someone I'd usually hang out with, but what can I say we worked together. Right??

RIGHT, GUYS!?! RIGHT?

So anywhoo, a bunch of us bitches went out to lunch one day and while at a deli hot bar getting cooked chicken, steamed broccoli and other people's sneeze germs, she says, "I love rice, you guys!"

I'm like, "ok, cool. we all do."

She says, "No. I LOVE RICE. I am obsessed with rice."

"huh? like... huh?"

She continues, "I love it! I love to cook it, I love to eat it, if I'm at weddings I always save the rice instead of throwing it! I love it!!!!"

That's weird... right? Who is obsessed with rice??! It's a small white oval!? You really can't get more bland than that. Unless perhaps you're talking about Harriet Miers?

Oh no I didn't!!! BURN!!!

ahhh

Maybe it's just me.

Or maybe she just liked rice.



Heaven anyone?

Beat it, Oprah

And I ain't talkin' about your friendships with celebrities (cuz lord knows you've beaten that one to death.)

I'm done with you, Oprah. Beat it.

First you throw out a plate from your, no doubt expensive, china collection because a dinner guest placed her chewing gum on it. (Not to mention the fact you won't let anyone in your studio or on your staff chew gum. I'm not making this up people, I heard it from the donkey's mouth.)

And the screaming audience members at the very breath of your name, well it's just getting old. Nausiating and old. (And that you say that's what gets you up in the morning. That sends me over the edge. BARF.)

Your interviews are boring. I said it. BORING!

Your stupid A-ha! moments. SHUT UP.

Your love for idiot Scientologists.

But really the topper for my hate cake was when you were talking to Uma Thurman about her divorce from Ethan Hawke and you said something along the lines of "pain over time equals forgiveness." (I know that's not a direct quote but you all get the idea.) And Uma said, "well, yes... that's a nice thought" and YOU, OPRAH WINFREY, in front of millions of people said, "No, it's not a thought, it's PHSYICS."

Oprah say what now!?

I thought you were kidding. I hoped you were, for the sake of my unborn children who would one day be reared by spending hours upon hours watching you dish sassy advice about what to do in an emergency and what books to read via hundreds of taped episodes (while mommy's out doing lines of coke off Kate Moss' collar bone).

I rewound the tivo'd Oprah-sode. Could she have been serious?

I like to think that after watching you for years (since your trash-show days) I've grown to known you, well, intimately. And after watching you state that it was "PHYSICS" 3, 4, 5 times... I do in fact think you were serious radio.

Oprah, you're a douchebag. A huge, giant, Ugg-boot giving, million dollar donating, smug question asking, Tom Cruise loving douchebag.

AND I'M DONE WATCHING YOU.

(until the next steamy episode about the "Down Low" airs)

No longer yours,

Glennis








(Oprah! I'm kidding! I love you, sister! Can I call you "sister?" Hey, call me... 1-212-BRAINWASHED-BY-OPRAH)

Tribal Called Quest

One of the best... No. THE BEST.

THE BEST show on television right now is "Going Tribal" on the Discovery Channel.

Tuesdays, 10pm, Discover Channel

It's freaking awesome you guys.

From Discover.com:

"Going Tribal follows former Royal Marine and expedition leader Bruce Parry as he tests the physical limits of living with ancient tribes in some of the world's most remote areas.

Parry sheds social trappings (and sometimes his Western clothes) by living alongside people from the virtually unexplored areas of the Himalayas, Ethiopia, West Papua, Gabon and Mongolia. To the degree possible, while spending a month immersed in each society, Parry also tries to adopt the methods and practices of his hosts."

And does he ever adopt. Everything from removing every last stitch of clothing to hunting and fishing and eating with them. He eats WHATEVER they eat. He sleeps where they sleep. It's amazing and I am totally enamoured with this man. He has this gentle sort of impish charm about him. He eases the nervous tribes' minds a few minutes after meeting them, and before his month is up he is accepted as one of the family. Often times tears are shed as he leaves. It's amazing and awesome and you must check it out.

I just finished watching an episode where he goes to Indonesia to live with the Kombai tribe and they are Cannibals! They believe if a person kills another person for no reason that they are evil and you must kill them and eat them because the evil spirit lives in their brain and stomach. I mean, come on you guys. It's AWESOME.

I want full updates after you've watched it about how awesome it is and how much you love Bruce.

You know you like it.

Come on people. It's time to get out of that closet and admit what we all know is going on.

We all love Kelly Clarkson.

I don't care who you are. I know you love her. What? What's that? You say you've never heard her?

Well my friend, please tell me when you get out of jail/the rock you're living under so I can play her for you.

Oh, what? Wait... what? You say you've heard her but don't like her?

Saying you don't like Kelly Clarkson is like saying you don't poop. We all do it, we just don't like to talk about it.

Well I'm talking. I like her. I might dare say I LOVE her. The girl can sing and as poppy as her songs are, they are also fucking catchy and fun to dance/workout/sing/masturbate to. Did I say masturbate?

YES I DID.

Kelly's single "Since U Been Gone" fell off the Top 40 after 33 weeks making it not ony the longest charting single in the ARC Weekly Top 40 history, but also the biggest single in the chart's 25 year history.

I mean, come on.

And she's adorable!


Yeah I am!


It's becoming more and more clear why people think I'm a lesbian. Sigh.

An Open Apology to the People of NY

Hey guys. Sorry I yelled at you on the escalator yesterday. Sometimes I really just assume everyone in the world knows to stand on the right, walk on the left.

I mean, if you see that it's rush hour and that everyone else is doing that, I don't know... I just thought maybe you'd get it too.

But it's no reason to yell, I know.

I'd had a rough day and little sleep.

So I'm sorry everyone.

And I'm also glad I had my headphones on so I couldn't hear what you called me as I stormed up the stairs (and caught the train which got me home 3 minutes earlier than I would have gotten home had I waited).

Love,

Glennis

PS - Listen, I'm kind of in a shitty mood again today so if we could try to avoid this whole mess again that'd be great. Thanks again. Sorry.

PPS - My new favorite How To.

How to Blink Your Eyes

Recently, I signed up for the new Google home page (which is the tops although doesn't necessarily quench my thurst for fancy web pages). On the page they have great little additions such as "Word of the Day," (today's word is deliquesce: to melt away or become liquid.) and "Quote of the Day," (The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern. - Lord Acton).

But my favorite extra-goodie is the "How To of the Day" in which you can get step by step instructions on everything from riding a horse to buying good fish for sushi.

Todays How To, however, had me giggling like a kitty in a kite store.

"How to Walk Silently"

Walking silently is an art that most people have not successfully developed to any degree. With practice, one can improve and master the art of stealth.

Steps

1. Get soft foot wear. The harder your footwear, the louder the noise. The best type of footwear is socks or leather moccasins. When at all possible, avoid bare feet (feet generally sweat and on flat surfaces, this creates lots of noise, as they stick to the floor) and hard-soled boots (because of their bulk and material, boots are more difficult to walk quietly in).



Don't be a jokester, this is important.

2. Wear sparse, tight clothing. When walking, one's legs and clothes rub together creating noise. Minimizing your gear will prevent this.



Yes, that should do.



Yes, that too.



Ok, dum dum, that will do.

3. Take slow and measured breaths from the mouth. Air travelling through a small passageway creates more noise than a large passageway. If more air is needed, open your mouth to its full extent. It may look foolish, but it creates less noise.



No, no, that will never do.

4. Watch the next place you will take a step.

Be mindful of objects you are stepping on.



Oh Buuuuuuuurn!

And blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth.

Tips

Frequently test your skills. Try sneaking up on a friend and ask them if they heard you.



F$&*#!!

Warnings

With knowledge of stealth, one is tempted to test one's skills. Do not use these skills to do anything illegal or harmful.




Remember that "with great power comes great responsibility."





I couldn't have said it better myself.

Now start sneakin!

The Hot Air Theory

I have this theory that the expense of your hotel costs can be directly related to the hairdryer you find in your bathroom.

Most of us starving artists, when forced to stay at a hotel because of dire circumstances (i.e. no friends in town) will find a hairdryer such as this one in our bathroom:



A few years down the line, you have a little more money and perhaps you'll find a hair dryer such as this in your hotel:



But I know we're all hoping that someday we'll be millionaires and we all know what comes along with that millionaire status. Nicer hair dryers. Such as this:



So it stands to reason that you can also tell the status of someone in life based on how nice thier hotel hair dryer is.

For example,

Oprah's hair dryer:



Tara Reid's hair dryer:



Andy Roddick's hair dryer PRE US OPEN:



Andy Roddick's hair dryer POST US OPEN:



So it stands to reason that if x = y and I'm freaking awesome, that one day my hair dryer will look like this:









Hooray!!

Identical Cousins

While writing earlier post about the greatest movie ever written (see: Say What Now? 9/15/05) I google image-searched "Jennifer Aniston" and came across this picture:



"Well yes, that's Jennifer Aniston silly head!"

Is it?

IS IT?

Look again dear friend. This is a CELEBRITY IMPERSONATOR. Available for your hire!



“But what can I, Joe Nobody, hire a Jennifer Aniston Impersonator (who will be hens forth known as JAI) for?”

Glad you asked! According to the website of TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT you can:

Make your next corporate event, awards banquet, trade show, fundraiser, sophisticated party or advertising promotion a hit by having "Jennifer Aniston" be part of the entertainment. This talented look-alike is wonderful at meeting and greeting your guests. You can even arrange to provide your guests with photos taken with "Jennifer Aniston" as souvenirs. She looks, talks and acts like the real performer and is a perfect complement to any special event.

“Wow! I’m sold! I want to call you, hire JAI and pay! Here is my credit card number! 143…”

Whoa, hold on to your cat chow, kitten.

Because you just might want to check out THESE amazing performers. Who will perform for you! At your next party! For you!

Elvis!


Elvis 2!


Elvis 3! (stadium Elvis)


Elvis 4! (profile Elvis)


"But wait. What if I want a more dramatic addition to my party?"

Sorry friend. No one here by that description. Best be on your...

Wait, someone's at the door!

Who could it be??



Why, it's Garland, Judy!

"Wow! It's really her!"

"Here's a question: I'm a huge fan of a movie called Caddyshack. Would you happen..."

BAM!


"Wha!? Amazing!

Well you certainly have sold me, TAPLEY ENTERTAINMENT. I'm going to call you right now and spend the money I have on your talent! THUMBS UP!!!

But I still think you're website is a bunch of crap."


Oh woooah woooah. No respect!