Glesbo: Beat it, Oprah

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Beat it, Oprah

And I ain't talkin' about your friendships with celebrities (cuz lord knows you've beaten that one to death.)

I'm done with you, Oprah. Beat it.

First you throw out a plate from your, no doubt expensive, china collection because a dinner guest placed her chewing gum on it. (Not to mention the fact you won't let anyone in your studio or on your staff chew gum. I'm not making this up people, I heard it from the donkey's mouth.)

And the screaming audience members at the very breath of your name, well it's just getting old. Nausiating and old. (And that you say that's what gets you up in the morning. That sends me over the edge. BARF.)

Your interviews are boring. I said it. BORING!

Your stupid A-ha! moments. SHUT UP.

Your love for idiot Scientologists.

But really the topper for my hate cake was when you were talking to Uma Thurman about her divorce from Ethan Hawke and you said something along the lines of "pain over time equals forgiveness." (I know that's not a direct quote but you all get the idea.) And Uma said, "well, yes... that's a nice thought" and YOU, OPRAH WINFREY, in front of millions of people said, "No, it's not a thought, it's PHSYICS."

Oprah say what now!?

I thought you were kidding. I hoped you were, for the sake of my unborn children who would one day be reared by spending hours upon hours watching you dish sassy advice about what to do in an emergency and what books to read via hundreds of taped episodes (while mommy's out doing lines of coke off Kate Moss' collar bone).

I rewound the tivo'd Oprah-sode. Could she have been serious?

I like to think that after watching you for years (since your trash-show days) I've grown to known you, well, intimately. And after watching you state that it was "PHYSICS" 3, 4, 5 times... I do in fact think you were serious radio.

Oprah, you're a douchebag. A huge, giant, Ugg-boot giving, million dollar donating, smug question asking, Tom Cruise loving douchebag.

AND I'M DONE WATCHING YOU.

(until the next steamy episode about the "Down Low" airs)

No longer yours,

Glennis

(Oprah! I'm kidding! I love you, sister! Can I call you "sister?" Hey, call me... 1-212-BRAINWASHED-BY-OPRAH)

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Glennis-isms

Clair Stare (v) - Derived from the fabulous Clair Huxtable's show-stopping stare. As powerful as any words, fist or bullets and twice as effective. "Piss slowly dripping down his leg he knew at once that his airplane hijacking attempt had, once again, been thwarted by the Clair Stare."

Out-Regis-and-Kelly (adj.) - Used to describe someone's fabulous, sparkly outrageousness. "Not sure if the girl in front of her had fallen or begun a strange, errotic dance, she chose to classify her as out-regis-and-kelly."

Out-Regis-and-Kathy-Lee (adj.) - Used to describe someone's slightly off-putting, drunken or outdated behavior. "The party took a turn for the worse when they arrived and, in truly out-regis-and-kathy-lee fashion, upper decked every bathroom in the house."

Prrrthetic (adj.) - Used to describe a pathetic action that, somehow, ends up making you look adorable. "The prrr-thetic attempt to get him back fell short when the aerial photo of his face made out of cats was overexposed."