Comic BANS

(Inspired by Carolyn's post)

Comic Sans font you are the thorn in my side! You are the burn on my toast! You are the chip in my soft pallet! You truly are the font of death.

Here's something you should know about writing a letter of importance to people with, oh I don't know, information about your father's health and his finances: maybe don't write it in a font that is classified as casual, non-connecting script that is for casual (are we seeing a connection here?) use in informal documents. Listen, I know you're trying to be all friendly with our communication but it's goddamn hard to read something important when this is performing surgery on my eye sockets!



And the capital letters! Don't even get me started on the allcaps!

There is nothing in this blessed world that should be written in comic sans except the very things it was named for: COMIC BOOKS.

And I'm not alone in my hatred of comic sans! From wikipedia:

Comic Sans has become the subject of a campaign by some designers to limit or eliminate its use, on the grounds that (as typographic purists claim) it is poorly designed and that its inclusion in the Microsoft system fonts package lends itself to inappropriate use—for example, as a text face in documents or at large sizes in signage.

There is even a website trying to put an end to the madness! Their tag line, bless their punny little hearts is, "putting the sans in comic sans." I love two-fold. (I mean I'm not gonna sign their petition because, you know, I'm not a woman of action [or character] but it suits me just fine if you'd like to. Let's not get me started on my irrational fear of someone, someday, drudging up every keystroke I've ever made on the internet for public display and ridicule. The amount of time I spend reading about Siegfried & Roy is shame enough thank you very much.)

I often allow other people to express my feelings for me so I don't perform dirty sexual acts on your minds with my lack of grammar and literary skills so here, read this:

We believe in the sanctity of typography and that the traditions and established standards of this craft should be upheld throughout all time. From Gutenberg's letterpress to the digital age, type in all forms is sacred and indispensable. Type is a voice; its very qualities and characteristics communicate to readers a meaning beyond mere syntax.

And it's true! Comic Sans is fucking offensive. It's like saying the word CUNT. No one wants that (except maybe me and Matt at the top of our lungs while driving a car) especially not around grandma. That's what comic sans is like to me. Saying cunt in front of mawmaw. AND SHE'S DEAD YOU GUYS. DOUBLE OFFENSE.

Honestly when I read letters in that font, specifically in allcaps, I read it as if a child is screaming at me. It hurts my lady parts, guys. It really does.

In summation, I'm not asking for the complete and total ban of this font. It has its uses (Like if your child is really mad and wants to write a letter to someone? Have at it!) just please, I beg of you, keep it far away from mine eyes.



Love,

Glennis

PS - Did anyone see that documentary on Helvetica? Just interested because I thought it looked pretty Hel-lish. Get it. Hel..ish..

Breakinthelaw Breakinthelaw

You guys I got a mother effin speeding ticket this past weekend. But how Glennis!? You do not drive!! You live in New York! Welp, guys... I drove to North Carolina in a stolen vehicle (ok, it was rented but that makes the story better, right?) and while driving at around 12am I was pulled over going 83 miles an hour.

What happened first was I noticed flashing blue lights in my rear view mirror. Kelsey asleep in the back, Matt cozied up next to me, I muttered "fuck" and then "I'm getting pulled over." As I stopped the car I started yelling at Kelsey "give me my shoes! give me my shoes!" She was, naturally, confused so I yelled louder "GIVE ME MY SHOES I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER!" It's illegal to drive without shoes on, I think. And if it's not then I goddamn didn't want to risk it!

I hadn't been pulled over since high school. Granted I haven't been driving all that much since high school but still, it was a newish experience and not really to my liking.

What you should know is that moments earlier Matt had been driving. Without a license. And we hadn't put a 2nd driver on the car. But dudes... is it better to drive and possibly crash from exhaustion or let someone (without a license) drive? I ask you.

So I pulled over. The cop came up and asked me if there was any reason I was going 83 in a 65.

Any reason?

Any reason??

Any reason other than the fact that we'd left at 4pm on a Friday to drive 9+ hours to North Carolina to have "Christmas" with our dad?

"No. There was no reason. I'm sorry." I said.

He took my info and gave me a summons to appear in court. Anything over 80, he tells me, gets a summons. If I can not appear in court (which I can not) on the designated date then I must send in something and blah blah blah.

I then discovered the joy that is cruise control. Eat gas as it may it's a handy invention and when you let go of the wheel it's like you're not driving at all!! Anyone want to ride with Ms. McMurray? I thought not.

The best part of the story is that we forgot the summons in the car. The car that I returned yesterday to Jersey City. So now miss smarty pants speed demon has to go back to get it. What a dummy. What a large, stupid, dum dum dummy.

Other than that the trip went off without a hitch. Spent time with the family, drove through some sort of light extravaganza with sparkling houses and deer and golfers... hard to explain but pretty awesome and very Christmasy. Went to Old Salem and sampled their delicious pastries after driving to the top of Pilot Mountain. All in one day, believe it or not, and drove back home to good old NYC at 4:30am on Sunday.

Exhausted but still coherent I bartended for 5 hours with the promise that all tips would be donated to the Alzheimer's Association and we raised $200!! It was an awesome night but dammit if I wasn't a zombie when I hit the bed. Matt actually had to pull my shoes off me. I was that tired.

So, another ridiculous weekend complete I'm now back at work (at 10pm) writing this to pass the time so I can make up some time. My life is one consistent rush to tie up loose ends after another.

I'm off to Chicago this weekend for some shows and a Second City Workshop taught by Miss Skinner and myself. If you have friends out there why not send them the information below!

Hope you're having a great week.

Love,

Glennis

*********

I Eat Pandas comes to Chicago December 8th
Panda bears be warned - New York's favorite instant musical invades Chicago.

I Eat Pandas is not a carnivorous band of Panda-haters - they are a popular & critically acclaimed musical improv duo from New York City. On December 8th - 9th they'll bring their show to The Apollo Studio for only two performances.

I Eat Pandas is Glennis McMurray and Eliza Skinner - two NYC-based performers who create 3 spontaneous, sparkly musicals in under an hour. Using a large digital clock and unexplainable musical improv skills, they perform a 25 minute, 15 minute, and 5 minute musical all based on one audience suggestion. Since their first show 3 years ago at New York's Upright Citizens Brigade Theater they have played to sold-out houses and standing ovations all over the country. They were made a featured Critics Pick by Time Out NY's Jane Borden, who said,"You'll smile all the way home and sing their impromptu tunes in your sleep." The NY Daily News' Sean McCarthy went so far as to say "I Eat Pandas (is) the funniest improvised musical comedy duo either side of the Hudson." Alan Rosenberg of the Providence Journal wrote, "You can almost envision their work as being penned by some Off-Broadway luminary. Dilemma, humor, and resolution in a quarter of an hour-- all in time to music."

For the shows at the Apollo, I Eat Pandas will be accompanied by Mike Descoteaux of Second City. Opening the show will be a 15 minute stand-up set by Matt McCarthy. McCarthy is a regular on Comedynet.com and was recently featured in the Just For Laughs Festival's "New Faces" series.

Shows will be on Saturday December 8th at 10:30, Sunday December 9th at 6pm at the Apollo Studio Theater (2540 North Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL 60614.) Tickets are $15 for adults, $10 for students. For tickets, please call (773) 935-6100.

Holi-Bangs!

I'm not one for holidays believe it or not. I love celebrations, I love gatherings, I love food… but holidays I could do without. Something about the pressure to make them wonderful or the pressure to be wonderful… it's all too much for me. Thanksgiving this year provided a good week or so of stress leading up to our departure from NY but thanks to the most amazing boyfriend ever (should I just rename this blog "I LOVE MATT"??) it was one of the most wonderful Thanksgivings ever!

It's funny. Because I remember distinctly writing about the best Christmas I'd had a few years ago. It was spent in Chicago. In a bar. How is that the best Christmas? No family around? No eggnog? And let's not try to blame this on me being Irish. That excuse wore out years ago, McMurray. Clearly that was my way of saying "it was the best Christmas because it wasn't."

This year I can say with all certainty that this was the best Thanksgiving I've had (aside from the ones back in good old Colorado) and it was. It was Thanksgiving, I mean. What a lovely family, what lovely food, baby Grace and Marty McFly the dog and everyone just doing their thing. It was WONDERFUL. I got to meet a ton of friends from the past at both Boozegiving (the name says it all) and Matt's reunion (at which about 30 people showed but it was fun all the same). I can't wait to go back for Christmas!

In addition to the food, the family and the sleeping in we watched a shitload of movies. Finally got around to seeing The Comedians of Comedy (and totally fell in love with Maria Bamford) and watched part of The Night of the Hunter (Robert Mitchum) before going into the kitchen for water only to be sucked into L&O: SVU with Matthew's mom. Seriously? Yes. Sorry, dudes. Anyway, the best discovery of this past week was one mister George Sanders. He starred in (and won an Academy Award for his performance in) All About Eve. If you haven't seen this movie, DO. It's awesome. After watching it, Matt and I casually looked Mr. Sanders up on IMDB and what we found was more than we'd ever expected. This man was AWESOME.


From his biography, "George Sanders: An Exhausted Life"

What a dude. Seriously you guys. He was married 4 times including a marriage to Zsa Zsa Gabore as well as to her sister Magda. Sure the marriages were separated by 16 years but it's still kinda crazy right? Also, he was an actor so you'd think he enjoyed it yes? Not so fast! He was quoted as saying "Acting is like roller-skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting." Ha! He also said, “I am not one of those people who would rather act than eat. Quite the reverse. My own desire as a boy was to retire. That ambition has never changed.” and “I don't ask questions. I just take their money and use it for things that really interest me.” Amazing! Other quotes I loved are, “The important thing for a star is to have an interesting face. He doesn't have to move it very much. Editing and camerawork can always produce the desired illusion that a performance is being given.” and "A woman, a dog and a walnut tree, the more you beat them, the better they be." Um. Kidding? We hope?

Another interesting thing about him? He is credited as the author of the mystery novel, "Stranger at Home” but the book was actually ghostwritten by Leigh Brackett. The book dedication reads, "To Leigh Brackett, whom I have never met".

Come on!!

But the best thing about this guy, the very very best thing is how he died. He killed himself. At the age of 66. But wait… wait… that’s not what’s great… the best thing is the suicide note he left!

AND I QUOTE, "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck."

How much do you love this man!!? What a bastard! Haha!

So after knowing all this the only thing left to tell you is that he co-wrote a very popular song. I’ll give you three guesses but I doubt you’ll ever get it.

Give up?

George Sanders co-wrote I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT.

Are you KIDDING ME!?! It’s comedy gold. God I love it so much
I mean I’d never want to be his kid or wife or anything but you can guaratee I’ll be reading his biography.

And I guess this concludes the Thanksgiving edition of my life without having gone into too much mundane (but wonderful) detail. That stuff I’ma keep to myself :)

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.

Love,

Glennis

Birthday Super-Eyes

I love surprises. LOVE them. However, I am hardly ever surprised because I always expect a surprise. On the other hand I guess you could say I'm surprised when I don't get a surprise after expecting one. Surprise pity party!

The best surprise I've pulled off was when Kelsey (the lil nutter) came to visit me for her 21st birthday. She didn't yet live in New York and didn't have any friends here but I wanted her to have an awesome birthday none the less. I devised a plan with my besties Marcy and Noni to fool her into thinking I was throwing a surprise party with the three of us at my apartment. I went all out (I think I even made a cake…which is a lot for me - I'm pretty sure it was disgusting) bought balloons, streamers, party hats…the whole nine. Kelsey showed up and with all the lights on we said "surprise" and sat down pretending that was it. I mean, a trip to NY and time with ME for your birthday… not bad. But your 21st? Takin it down to Lamestown, y'all. So after about an hour of cake eating (suffering) and gift opening I said "let's go downstairs to your first bar as a 21 year old (I mean ever)!" I lived over on 21st and 3rd and there are as many bars over there as there are douchebags to fill them up. So we headed down, Kelsey in her princess crown, to get in some of-age drinking. As we're walking down there street a limo is parked on the corner. I say to Kelsey, "how much will you give me if I jump in the back of that limo." She looks at me like I'm crazy and rolls her eyes. I say no no really how much! "Nothing! Don't do that!" she replies as she sees that mischievous glint in my eyes. I say "I'm gonna do it" and run over to the limo, hop in the back all the while Kelsey's standing there in her pretty little crown thinking I'm going to jail on her birthday. From inside I roll down the window and say "Happy Birthday Kelsey! This limo's for you!" She ran over, hopped inside and we drank for 3 straight hours while the driver circled Manhattan. Trips through Times Square meant screaming out the window "I'm famous!" and I'm pretty sure Kelsey had the best time ever.



Because I'm such a big fan of surprises I decided recently that I was going to throw Matthew a big one. I'd always wanted to do this in the past for certain people who shall not be named but those certain people wouldn't have enjoyed or appreciated it. So sit on it. Matthew is one of those people who is not only grateful for what you give him but enjoys every second of every minute of every day. I knew he'd love it.

His actual birthday was the 9th but because we went to his friend's cabin that weekend I had to wait until the following weekend.

The boy knew something was up. I am very bad at surprises when I'm afraid the person might become unavailable. And because he performs almost every night I feared he might be busy and the surprise would be sur-spoiled. While prepping for it I was talking to Liz online about how I wanted to make him a spidey cake (his fave superhero and mine) but that I knew I'd mess it up. In true bestie fashion Liz said "I'll do it. I love that stuff!" And proceeded to make the most amazing Spider Man cake maybe of all time? Can I say that having never had any other Spidey cakes? I think I can.

I told everyone to show up at 9pm but a few people arrived earlier to help me out. We got some booze, some mixers, some snacks and they hung some streamers. Everyone was in the house by 9:30 - the time Matt was scheduled to arrive. I told him some story about having plans with me and to wear a nice button-down (to throw him off the trail!) and said to meet me at my house.

Everyone's standing around chatting and suddenly the buzzer! And then the most hilarious 2 minutes took place. Everyone running back to my room, some staying in the kitchen, everyone screaming "what do we do!? What do we do!!? LIGHTS OFF OR ON!!?!? AHHHH!!!" while I screamed "Shh!! Shhh!!! ShhhhUT UP!!!" and buzzed him in.

He walked into a dark apartment slowly as I hid in the kitchen. When he got close to the door to the kitchen we FLIPPED ON THE LIGHTS AND SCREAMED "SURPRISE!!!!"

I thought the boy was going to have a heart attack. He must have jumped back two feet, his face turned bright red and he was in a daze for about 5 minutes after, all the while grinning from ear to ear. The rest of the night we partied down like it was going out of style, Matt inHALED Liz's cake ("Best. Cake. EVER!!") and fun times were had by all.

My favorite part aside from the surprise was the trick candles. But that's just because I'm a little stinker.





And thus concludes the two best surprises I've (kinda, sorta) pulled off. I'm pretty sure Matty knew what was going on but was a saint for playing along and putting on that nice button-down.

Who's next on Glennis' surprise road trip across life?? (ew) Maybe you?! Or you!? Or even, yes... even you.

Who knows.

Who knows.

Only time will tell.

I'm going to get oatmeal.

Have a great day. :)

Love,

Glennis

Doh! Show!

I almost forgot, you guys! I have a show tonight! A very special show! Shootin' The Shizz With Molly McFizz is back in your faces at UCB. Yes, I am doing it IN YOUR FACES. Whoa!

Here is the postcard and, consequentially, all the information. I hope you can make it! I love this show! It's fun and I play a 6-year-old.



Love,

Glennis

It's The First Step

If you ever hear me complain about money please smack the right side of my face ever so gently (that's my bad side - don't touch the left that's m'moneymaker) because as I speak there is a mountain of clothing sitting in my room awaiting laundering. Scratch that. Make it 3 mountains. A full range of mountains composed of shirts, undies, sexy doo dads and assorted capes and I reason myself out of taking the clothing to a professional to have them cleaned because it costs too much. And washing them myself is completely out of the question since I have very little free time on my hands and who wants to spend that time washing clothes?? It takes a good 2.5 - 3 hours to launder duds! Time that could be spent navigating the Gap Trail in my room! So what do I do? I shop. I buy something new for work the next day or something for an audition when I have 12-13 perfectly good options buried at the bottom of my laundry bag.

Now that's what I call lazy!

Liz was the one who dubbed my mess Clothes Mountain. Many a laugh was had speaking in our old prospector voices warning hikers of the dangers of "stocking pass" and "v-neck gulch." (Seriously I do a great old prospector voice. Ask me about it. I mean I won't do it for you but I'll confirm that the information I've just provided you with is true.)

So I'm taking the first step to fixing this problem: I'm admitting it. Yes. I admit I have a problem with keeping my life in order and more specifically my clothing. I admit I have clothes that I haven't touched in a good 5 years but hold on to "just in case I do another show where I need a petticoat." I admit that clothes mountain sometimes scares me in the middle of the night when I look over and think it's a little person version of jaba the hut.

If admitting it is the first step then perhaps then next obvious step is to believe that a power greater than me will restore me to sanity. (This AA stuff really works on everything guys. I'm just saying.) I guess in this case the power greater than me is Christopher Wash & Fold. I believe in you guys and your powerful starching ways.

So now I must make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of them as I understand them. Now this part could get a little tricky because I'm not sure I can turn my will AND my life over there. Sure, they can have control over my life…but my will? What if they decide it's time for me to die? Imagine the death that would come for me! Dried to death! Steam cleaned to oblivion! This is sounding more and more risky as it goes on!

I think next I need to list the people I've wronged or offended. So that's pretty much anyone who's ever been in my room. We'll start with Matt because he's dealt the brunt of the filth. Liz is the obvious next choice and then, going alphabetically: Amanda, Eliza, Erin, Giulia, Jeff H., Jeff K., Jeff M., Jen, John, Kate, Katina, Margot, Shelly, Sue, Wendy… just to name a few. Sorry you guys. I'm sorry my clothing hurt or offended you.

Ug this is exhausting. I'm tired of making this list. I'd rather be doing anything but this right now. ANYTHING. Even…

(streaming light through clouds, angelic singing)

LAUNDRY!

I've done it! I've broken the chain! I know how to quit drinking! I mean… do my laundry. Yeeaaah that's the ticket.

Thanks so much for your help Glennis. I don't know what I'd do without you and this personal intervention. You really do care about me sometimes even if you continue to go outside in that awful poncho.

12 steps, shmelve steps.

Have a great day.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Is it obvious I really did grow tire of this post 1/2-way through? LAZY TO THE BONE.

Cracka' Dawn

Who woke up at 6am and went to the gym!?! Wait, no wait… back it up mofos! Who ironed her clothes last night, laid them out, went to bed at a semi-decent hour (even if I couldn't get to sleep for a while) and THEN woke up at 6am!? This gal! Right here! That's me!

And I feel amazing.

The acupuncture the other day got me thinking about how happy I used to be. 6 or so years ago when I was living in Brooklyn with my ex-fiance (fiance… imagine?), 22 years old, worked in an office (actually this office… good god), did some improv and got up every goddamn morning to work out. I lugged a backpack the size of that little Chris Farley girl in the email 400 people have forwarded me every_single_morning. Sometimes I'd go 6 days a week. Sometimes 7. It might have become a tiny bit of an obsession but I lost nearly 50 lbs and I felt amazing. I had more confidence and, had I been having sex, I'm sure it would have been amazing. Heyooo.

I also took a vitamin this morning. I know. Call the crash cart cuz I think you just had a heart attack.

None of this might sound like cause for celebration except for the fact that I'm a) very lazy and b) really super lazy. Some people's natural inclination is to go out and hike. Run around. Play soccer. I like watching TV and stuffing my face with fried goods. I used be able to eat a whole pizza. Alone. ALONE. That is gross. (And sad.) So getting up and getting motivated is hard for me which sounds crazy since I have a million things going on at any given moment… I think that's due to a fear of being left behind rather than get-up-and-go.

So yes. I am proud of myself for getting up this morning. And you should be proud of me, too. Specifically if you have to hear me whine about being tired on gchat, the phone, via email or in person. Lazy & whiny. And I'm still not married?! What!?

Hope you're all kicking ass today too.

Love,

Glennis

Hardcore Mick

I knew I was Irish but today I confirmed just how Irish I am.

You guys know how much I hate my office, yes? You know how much anger, frustration, depression and outright poopiness they have caused me, right? Today (after hand-addressing each envelope...by hand. With my hands. BY. HAND.) I sent out the holiday party invites. As one of the nicer people in the office came to compliment me on my penmanship (and crippled little limbs) she asked if I was going to the party. I laughed involuntarily right in her face. It was like a sneeze. The thought of me attending a party with a bunch of people I hate for a company I could care less about really just got my goat!

And then she said three little words that could possibly change my life forever.

MASHED POTATO BAR

Um...

Maybe you didn't hear me. I SAID MASHED POTATO BAR. MOTHER. FUCKERS. CAN YA DIG!?

That coupled with Free Booze are the only two things that will get me to that party. Bona Fide Irish.

I mean... I know. It's a terrible idea. I will get drunk and I will be friendly with people. And they will talk to me... and look me in the eyes. And I will get my hopes up that these are decent, kind people and it's not just the alcohol talking, and then I will go to work the next day and it will all be the same. Condescending little cunts.

So in summation I'd like to say: Remember when the company didn't have enough money to give me more than a 3% raise? Remember when that happened the last oh.. what was it... 5 years? Well, consider my raise mashed, y'all.

Oh man I love stupid companies with lots of money.

Bling bling!

I need to stop typing. I have made my point.

Have a good night.

Love,

Glennis

On Pins & Needles

Anticipation. Excitement. Dread. Fear. Worry. Regret. Pain. Anger. Tears. Relief. Exhaustion.

Yesterday I went to get acupuncture for the first time ever. My dearie dearest sweet pal Becky swears by it and after Eliza went, loved it, told me they asked questions about crazy dreams and said "you must go!" I went! I'm very easily convinced of things. Just ask anyone who knew me when I lived in Bangkok.

But here's the thing, guys. It was one of those situations where I was like "awesome! I'm totally going to do this!" and then I got there and I was like "oh my god I'm going to do this." Which is pretty much how I think I'd handle most situations that require you to think a thing through before committing to it. God forbid I'm ever given a sky diving lesson as a present. How late is too late to back out of something like that? Mid-flight?

So I'm sitting in the office filling out the extensive questionnaire and I'm fine. The doctor is sweet and gentle and quiet and I immediately like her. I go in the room and we sit and talk. And suddenly something hits me. I don't know what it was exactly but it must have been related to the fact that she was asking me questions about myself. Questions that only I would know the answer to. Stuff that I'd have to have paid close attention to my body to know. And some stuff I just had never thought of. And I started to get really sad. But as is the Glennis fashion I pretended like everything was fine, put on a smile, pretended not to be nervous as hell as to how I was going to react to having tiny needles thrust into my skin… I pretend a lot. It's not good. We know this. We're trying to stop this, I swear.

So I'm smiling. She asks me if I'm nervous and blurt out "YES!" (See? I'm trying.) Showing weakness is hard for me. I might as well be a goddamn Stepford Wife. (I'm very attracted to the role of Bree on Desperate Housewives… and I hate myself for that. I'm kidding. Kinda.)

Anyway.

She says it's perfectly normal that I'm feeling nervous and, with my shoes & socks off, pants rolled up and tiniest bit of stomach exposed, she gets to work. The first pin goes into my right leg. Nothing too painful. She's asking me how I'm feeling the whole time and telling me that the spots on my achilles tendon are good for sleep (...the whole reason I went. Did I fail to mention that? Sleep and stress.) And when she puts a needle in below my knee somewhere on my leg and a pain shoots down my leg into my middle toe and I react and she says "Good. That's a good sign. That area is for stress." Two in each arm near the wrist. Two in my head where my unicorn horn might be. One sat right smack dab in the middle of my cleavage, and one in my stomach. And there I lay. A human pin cushion who had not thought the depth and the seriousness of acupuncture through and who was now a tiny bit freaked out.

The doctor told me she was going to leave the room for about 20 minutes. She turned out the light after checking that I was ok one last time, and closed the door.

And I started crying. I couldn't stop it. Just like I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and filling up my ears. I started freaking out about crying. What was I crying about? Was it from the needles? My mind started racing. Of course. I couldn't just lie there crying and let it happen. I had to be in control of this!! I had to stop this!! Tears are a sign of weakness! I couldn't wipe my eyes because of the needles in my arms and I was miserable. A few minutes later the doctor opened the door and asked if I was ok. I cheerily said (practically shouted) "YES! FINE!!" and she was on to me, people! I mean of course she was. She said "it seems like you're wide awake and alert. Are you ok?" I told her I was having trouble relaxing. I was freaking out a little feeling so raw and emotional and yes, I told her I started crying. She gently came in and reassured me that I should let it all out. She put two needles in each ear to calm my mind, touched my arm and asked me if I was ok, and left the room again.

And the tears started again. This time even worse and this time I started freaking out because I wondered what would happen if the tears got into the needle holes! Oh good god! Not that!!! Not SALT WATER!!! GOD NOOOOOOO!!!!

And then I started laughing. Just a little bit. Because, come on guys, I'm ridiculous. I would worry about breathing if it didn't happen naturally!! I'm surprised I haven't, quite honestly! Why haven't I laid awake nights worrying I might stop breathing!? I mean I really am crazy. It's a miracle Matt doesn't want to push me down stairs the way I fret about this and that. He's amazing. Supportive. Wonderful. So patient.

But I'm getting off subject. I finally did relax and stopped crying toward the end of my 20 minutes of peace. And she came in, took the needles out, told me I could sit up and gave me a tissue. I cried a little bit more about how amazing an experience that was and I saw her get a little teary too. I don't know why but that really made me feel better.

I walked out of the office feeling calm, peaceful, relaxed, the most I'd felt that way in years. I made a vow to stick to the stuff we had spoken about and looked forward to our appointment on Monday.

Eliza had said the relaxed feeling could last up to a week and I think it might have but I went to therapy a few hours after and kind of snapped back to reality, unfortunately. Not unfortunately because it was a good session… but that relaxed feeling really was something I hadn't felt in a long time. I'm excited for the next time.

In other "pins & needles" news… we had the screening for the Electric Company last night. Party screening part wrap party. I was so nervous/excited/stressed to see the pilot but honestly it was SO amazing! It looked wonderful, everyone is fantastic in it and, if I do say so myself, I think we've got a hit on our hands. We look cool but not like we're trying to be cool and dudes… Shockwave is the best part of it. Kids are going to want to BE HIM. So wonderful!! It was also just great hanging out with the people who worked on it. Meeting the people who edited it and worked after all the shooting was wrapped. It's such an amazing group of people… equal parts fun, business and all talent. Can't wait till we start shooting again!!!

And I guess on that note I've got to get back to another pin… erm pen. I'm at work. Sigh.

Have a great day!!!

Love,

Glennis

Through with You!

Oh New York. I love you! I really really love you more than any other living place in the world! Well, that I've been anyway. Which is not a lot. But lately, New York. Lately! You have been wearing my little body down! Mostly it's your transportation. For instance, New York, why come no cabbies here know how to get to my house in the Willage? Is it because I say Willage? I'll stop.

Don't interrupt me, NEW YORK! Dammit. Listen, I'm not breaking up with you. I just think we need a break.

(I just realized I'm turning this post into a "NY is my boyfriend and we're taking a break" post and that's probably been done a million times but please...bear with me here. I'm tired and cranky and STILL COUGHING)

So remember the other night when I did a show at UCB and I was sick and tired and could barely talk let alone sing and all I wanted to do was go home and it was 11pm and you got me that taxi to go home? And then remember when I looked down to call someone on my phone and the taxi was passing 9th Avenue and going to the WEST SIDE HIGHWAY? Do you remember that? No!? No!? I bet you'd remember if I had my TITS HANGING OUT.

Sorry. I didn't mean to yell.

It's just...well why would he take the West Side Highway?? Like that makes no sense since you have to go back in on 14th Street and take Washingtown down and all I'm saying is there was construction and the dude should have known, once we hit construction once, not to go back IN THE SAME DIRECTION.

So yeah. I spent $11 on a cab that dropped me off 9 blocks from my house. NYC blocks.

New York!! Why would you do that to me!?

And then why would you make me stand on the platform for 20 minutes this morning waiting for a train making me late when I'd left my house with plenty of time to get to where I was goin!? Why?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

We need a break.

So listen....

I'm gonna see another state this weekend.

It won't mean anything.

I'm mean I'll probably go down on it but you don't like that anyway.

Wait, that's weird. Why don't you like that?

Most states really...

No.

No. I'm not even going to go there.

I'll talk to you when I get back.

I still love you.

Love,

Glennis

Muci-next!

I just took Mucinex because I'm hacking up a lung and I feel like my nostrils are CAVERNOUS!! SERIOUSLY. This is freaking me out!! I have so much air passing through my nostrols I could definitely fit at least 3 Jimmy Deans up there!

Is this stuff making me high?!?

Oh wait, I just addressed 400 envelopes by hand with a silver sharpie. I literally just realized that.

Love,

Glennis

On the Radio. Ooh woaaooooh. On the Radio.

I know there are people out there who get insulted if they're included in something just because they are dating someone or friends with someone. Well folks, that ain't me! I'm like the Kathy Griffin of way-way-way underground comics who no one's ever heard of outside my small comic bubble in NY. I'LL TAKE ANY JOB. Even if it doesn't pay. A job is a job is a job. I'll suck di… ok wait… I won't take any job.

But honestly I'm just as flattered to get a job because the director saw me in something and sought me out as a job that my boyfriend got me because I'm his special lady and he knows he'll get some good hea… JESUS. Sorry. This is making me sound really whorish.

So last night Becky and I did the Maxim Sirius Radio show and it was AWESOME. Becky was recommended to them by her friend Adira and was told she could bring someone along and she chose ME! I was beyond flattered because I think Becky is one of the most talented ladies I know. One of those people who thinks outside the box and always makes me laugh. Just love her.

We talked for an hour on the show about dicks and dudes and what not to say on the first date and how long you wait to have sex with someone (coupla hours, amirite?) and it was SO fun. Talked to a few callers or really just kind of talked about what they were calling in about. The time flew, Becky drank some v2 vodka and I had the biggest tea known to man and coughed during the commercial breaks.

This all made me want to get a job in radio! I loved sitting in the studio bantering with the hosts (DeVore and Diana are AWESOME hosts. Adorable and talented and hilarious!!) and listening to callers and oh man I loved it! Get me a job in radio, please!

Here's a picture from our adventures. Adorable little spitfires aren't we?



Oh! And right before us in the studio was Lisa Lampinelli! I mean, I don't want to be all technical and shit but technically she opened for us. I'm just saying.

I hope we can get a copy of the show and post it as some point. Yama's boyfriend heard it and said it was funny. But he might have said that because he wanted B to touch his D.

Have a great day!!

Love,

Glennis

Siriusly, Guys!

Hey guys!

Guess what? You can listen for me and the amazing talent Becky Yamamoto on the radio tonight! We'll be appearing at 10pm on Maxim Sirius Radio on the DeVore & Diana show as part of the theme of the week: Funny Females! Hey now! Look at that! Not too shabby! Hoo-Hooooooo!!

Hope I don't a) go into a coughing fit and have to leave the studio, b) freak out that I'm on the radio and start over-enunciating everything or c) fart. Wait no I hope I do fart. That would be hilars. Especially with Yamamama in the room. Girl loves talkin 'bout farts.

Here's what the Sirius site says about the hosts:

DeVore and Diana
Eighty proof radio for men who love women, and the women who put up with their crap. Join former Maxim magazine Senior Writer John DeVore and the first lady of Maxim Radio, Diana Falzone, Monday through Friday, 7 pm to 11 pm ET. John loves calling bull@#! on stuck up bastards, and Diana's a multi-talented hottie with an angel's voice and a dirty twinkle in her eye. Crack a beer, bring an opinion, and hang with these two every night as they fight, laugh, make-up, and talk from the gut about sex, relationships, pop culture, and the weirdest, most disturbing news of the day.

YES PLEASE!!

"See" you tonight!

Love,

Glennis

The Next Stop is the Eastsiiiiide Mote-e-e-e-l

Fucking LOVE THIS SONG. Listened to it the other night with my homies and it was like blast from the past and now I have this fantasy that every time I'm with my peeps and I yell out "REGULATORS!" they'll answer with "MOUNT UP!"

I don't ask for much. But I know I love you. Wait, I'm mixing my songs.

Sit back, roll a fatty and remember the good old days. Wuuuurd.

REGULATOR by WARREN G

G:
Regulators
we regulate any stealing of his property
and we're damn good too
But you can't be any geek off the street,
gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!
REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!

G:
It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume
some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk
just rollin in my ride, chillin all alone

Nate:
Just hit the Eastside of the LBC
on a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.
Seen a car full of girls ain't no need to tweak
all you skirts know what's up with 213

G:
So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis
some brothas shootin dice so I said "Let's do this"
I jumped out the ride, and said "What's up?"
some brothas pulled some gats so I said "I'm stuck."

Nate:
Since these girls peepin me I'ma glide and swerve
these hookers lookin so hard they straight hit the curb
Won'tcha think of better things than some horny tricks
I see my homey had some suckas all in his mix

G:
I'm gettin jacked, I'm breakin myself
I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth
they took my rings, they took my rolex
I looked at the brotha said "Damn, what's next?"

Nate:
They got my homey hemmed up and they all around
ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound
They wanna come up real quick before they start to clown
I best pull out my strap and lay them busters down

G:
They got guns to my head
I think I'm going down
I can't believe this happenin in my own town
If I had wings I would fly
let me contemplate
I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate

Nate:
Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole
Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold
now they droppin and yellin
it's a tad bit late
Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

I laid all them busters down
I let my gat explode
now I'm switching my mind back into freak mode
if you want skirts sit back and observe
I just left a gang of those over there on the curb

G:
Now Nate got the freaks
and that's a known fact
before I got jacked I was on the same track
back up back up cause it's on
N A T E and me
the Warren to the G

Nate:
Just like I thought
they were in the same spot
in need of some desperate help
the Nate Dogg and the G-child
were in need of something else
one of them dames was sexy as hell
I said "ooo I like your size."
she said "my car's broke down and you seem real nice,
would ya let me ride?"
I got a car full of girls and it's going real swell
the next stop is the Eastside Motel

G:
I'm tweaking
into a whole new era
G-Funk
step to this
I dare ya
Funk
on a whole new level

Nate:
the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble

G:
Chords
Strings
We brings
Melody
G-Funk
where rhythm is life
and life is rhythm

Nate:
If you know I´ll got know
you don't wanna step to this
It's the G-Funk era
funked out with a gangsta twist
if you smoke like I smoke
then you high like everyday
and if your ass is a buster
213 will regulate

Mount up, homies. Mount up.

Love,

Glennis

Bronchsma

Well, it's official. I went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. So anyone who's seen me sing within the past two days and left with feeling that I am indeed the most amazing performer you've ever seen, you should now find yourself doubly impressed! I had bronchitis!

Doc listened to my lungs. A lot. Got me worried. He kept having me breath in, blow out, breath in, blow out and then say "EEEEEEEE" over and over (hey that's how I sound during sex!) and all I could think was "oh my god. I have lung cancer." Why would I think such a thing. Clearly I'm insane. Haven't we realized that?

After telling me it sounds like I have asthmatic lungs (!!!) he sends me upstairs to blow into this tube to measure the force behind my breath. It's more fun blowing out candles, I tell him, but he insists I blow into a plastic tube. Whatever party pooper. So I do. And it sucks (blows) and it's hard cuz I CAN'T BREATH but the doctor looks at my results and says I don't have asthma. Phew!

How many times can I be sick in one year, you guys!!?! And my boss has no sympathy for me at all. Not an inch, not a smidge even though I'm sitting here hacking up a lung and I look like death.

Whatever!! I've got my z-pack and my musinex and you can eat a bag of snot, creep!! I hope this whole office gets Bronchitis.

Speaking of... my office is having a client appreciation party today and we spent $5,000 on flowers. Last year I got a 3% raise. EAT ME HARD, OFFICE.

Love,

Glennis

A Little Sympathy for the Struggling Actor

Things have been a little rough over at the old 9-5 lately. Accusations, Disney figurines, tears, and threatened quitting and yet I'm still sitting here at 8:30 in the morning on a Thursday which is technically my Friday which leads me right back to why I'm still here.

I am that rare NY actress who's had the same boring desk job for 6 year. SIX YEARS PEOPLE. That's a lot of hours clocked in perfecting this pancake of an ass I have. (Haven't noticed? Check it out next time you see me. I don't mind!) The reason I've had this job so long is because of my golden handcuffs. I work 30 hrs a week in 3 days, have a 4 day weekend, receive benefits and vacation days and can leave for auditions. It's a sweet deal!! I appreciate that deal! I really do! What I don’t appreciate is everything that comes with it.

How do you explain to someone who lives and breaths for this company that you're trying your best? That you have an entire other office of people who expect you to be places when they tell you to be there. To make them money. To book that job or at least show up to audition for that job. And I love auditioning. I love booking jobs. I love it! But I hate the process of auditioning while trying to hold down a day job. I blame my shingles and the fact that I now have bronchitis on the damn stress of it all! Leaving the office with just enough time to make it to your audition on time (assuming the trains run on schedule) while not leaving too early so as not to be away from the office too long. Arriving for your audition most often to find a room full of people waiting to go in as well. How long has everyone been waiting?? You sign in, sit down, read your copy while paying attention to how long each person is spending in the room. 10 minutes average time 5 people… shit! And that's before I even audition and head back to the office! Check the time again. HOW CAN 20 MINUTES HAVE GONE BY SINCE I GOT HERE AND I'M NO CLOSER!?! Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. Come on! Fucking hurry up!!! What the fuck is taking so long!?! Jesus christ ok calm down. Read your copy again. Wait… there's nothing to read…it's all an explanation of a scenario of how crazy it is when friends hang out and eat chips together. FUCK! Ok shit ok 3 more people in front of me. Maybe I should just leave. I don't really NEED this audition. I probably won't even get this job. What's the point. I never get any of these jobs! Shit… no that's exactly why I don't. Relax. Think positively. Oh my god why the fuck has this dumb bitch been in that room for 12 minutes?! Is she blowing the casting director!!? Come on!!! Ok… she's out. Doesn't smell like a BJ. I'll let her off. "See you later, Gertrude! Great to see you!" Slut. Fucking slut probably blew the CD to get the job. Ok my turn is coming up. Get your size card. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SIZE CARD. Oh my god I hate filling this shit out. Same shit every audition. My name! They called my name! Sweet salvation I'm going in!! Tell others of my story!! Ok I'm in the room. Let's get this shit done. Yes. Yes, I realize I'm hanging out with my friends eating chips. I've done that before. I get it. Yes. I know how to look confused. Jesus christ do you want to audition for this commercial? I mean why don't I get behind the camera and YOU can audition since clearly you're dying for this part since you've explained it to me 14 times already! OMG COME ON!!! Just let me do it please! PLEASE!!! Oh fuck this shit. Fuck it all. And I'm sure the inner monologue that's going through my head the entire time I'm in the room is clear upon my face. Which probably hinders my ability to honestly look like I'm hanging with friends eating chips. Which in turn makes the client go "NEXT" when seeing my audition. Which in turn makes me want to put a gun to my head because if I can't be relaxed when I'm auditioning then what is the point? AMIRITE PEOPLE!?!

So if it's so stressful and you hate it so much why not quit? Well it's all a part of the process. We audition for commercials for practice, for the money, and for every one in a million people who get a truly funny national commercial, a little bit of recognition. (Or a sitcom spin off…whatevs.) It's not easy and yet it's the easiest thing in the world.

But try explaining all this to a woman yelling at you about being gone from the office and taking advantage of this cushy situation they've set up for you. Maybe I do push the envelope here. Maybe I'm not the best worker in the world. Maybe I do have other things on my mind. But I'm trying to stay afloat here people. I'm trying to get two jobs done without anyone noticing that I'm freaking out about how to balance the rest of the shows, people and family issues in my life.

That being said… let's face it. I don't have much to complain about. I have a really good life and I try to appreciate it as much as I can. Matt is great at helping me calm down and try to be in the moment. He's one of those "whatever happens, happens" people. Like The Dude. And he hates The freakin Eagles, man. So I can learn a lot from him.

I moved to NY with $500 and 5 suitcases and 10 years later I'm still here. If that doesn't teach me that everything turns out ok in the end then I don't know what will.

Stop whining, McMurray. You have an audition in half an hour.

Love,

Glennis

(Ew was that the most self-indulgent blog post ever? Yeah like you have anything better to do between YOUR auditions than read my blog while you sit at your shitty office job. Please. I know my demographic!!)

(PS - If anyone out there has experience in PR let me know. I wanna pick your brain. I'll make it worth your time. You get to hang out with MEEEEE!!! I am AWESOME!!!! AND I SMELL LIKE SUGAR!!! Email me.)

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?

First of all, let me just point your sweet little eyes in the direction of this:



That's yours truly and the love of my life. In a Glamour Magazine spread! Check it out here!

You guys, I never ever thought I'd be this happy. I know, I know... leave the cheese on the pages of Glam, but seriously... well I'm just really really happy. That's all. I LOVE YOU MR. MATT MCCARTHY!

And to top it all off I've been working! Acting work! I'm still at my lamo law firm job (I mean I love this job so much) but lately I've been working on shooting the pilot for the new Electric Company! Heeeeey Yooooou Guuuuuuuys! It's been pretty amazing and awesome and we haven't even started shooting yet. (Lots of rehearsals and some costume fittings and other things of that nature.)

So... Yippee!! Love! Jobs! No money in the bank but who the eff cares!!

Life is good, you know? (That makes me think of miss Ann Carr... you know?) I mean I sat down at my desk today after being out with EC for about a week and started to get depressed. But really what is there to be depressed about? Even if I was to have to sit here for the rest of my life it would be ok right? Because I'd make it ok! I mean I'm totally going to work my ass off so that DOESN'T happen but... well life is good.

Oh! Before I forget I am raising money for my dad for the Alzheimer's Walk on October 21st! If you want to donate you can go here and do so. And I will be a [Your Name]-bian forever.

I hope you are all doing well.

Love,

Glennis

My Dirty Mouth

Hey guys!

I shot this a while ago for Hungry Man Productions and I still haven't watched it (since it's NSFW and my internet at home SUCKS) but I've been told it's really funny! The amazingly talented Alex Kuciw directed it and I think wrote it and wow is that guy talented! (I really mean that but he told me I had to talk him up and boost his ego on my blog. Oooooh... yaburnt, Alex!)

I had to wear this cool camera head-piece thing and it made me think of scenes from Requiem for a Dream. Bukaki Party! Omg I am so totally kidding.

So anyway, here's how you can watch it:

Go to the www.hungrymantv.com and either A) click on the static TV, B) click on the TV dials, or C) click on the words ‘hmTV’ at the top. Any of these options brings up the channel guide that shows what shows are available.

Then click on the arrow on the right side of the guide to scroll over to 'Channel 04 - Mouthpieces’ and watch the episode called "Password."

Hope you enjoy it!

Love,

Glennis

Private Dancer

I was standing outside the Fitzpatrick with Ms. Faverty the other night (was having congratulatory drinks with co-workers...more on that in a bit) when we were approached by a man. He's short, Hispanic, kind of has that Miami spiked hair look and he says to us, "can I ask you ladies a question?" Does he want a smoke? Does he want directions? No. No he does not.

"I am supposed to dance for some girls tonight and I was just wondering if you thought these were sexy."

At that point he pulls up the side of his shirt and reveals a black thong. I kind of giggle a little bit, Carrie too, and we both say, "yeah. that's fine." So he then goes off on this whole thing about how he just moved here from Miami (I was right!) and how he is trying to make money and that if we knew of anyone who needed a DANCER (seriously... a dancer?) that we should tell him and THEN. THEN. Then he turns around and lifts up the back of his shirt to reveal even more of his thong to us and says, "so you think this is ok?" and I just lose it and start laughing and actually shock him with how hard I'm laughing and I say, "yes. yes. THAT WILL DO." And he kind of looks at us with this weird look and then says, "well ok. so... I mean do you girls want my number just...in case?"

Just in case? Just in case we need a male dancer?

I mean of all the jobs you could do in NY the one that seems the least in demand is male dancer. Right after million-dollar high five machine and herpes distributor.

So... I mean this guy was clearly prepositioning us for sex, right?

I thought so too!!

Anyway, it was one of the weirdest things that's happened to me in a while so it sparked my old, dusty brain to want to blog again.

Ehn, I changed my mind on elaborating for now. In due time my pretties.

Now I must sleep! I spent all day rearranging my room! IT'S AWESOME!

Love,

Glennis

Self Promoting

Hey guys!

I'm a terrible blogger lately. Anyone even still reading this old thing?

If so and you love comedy you should come check out my show tonight!

Shootin the Shizz with Molly McFizz
Tonight @ 7pm
UCB Theatre
307 West 26th Street @ 8th Avenue

Also, if you watch TV be on the look out for my Stop n' Shop commercial in which I sound like Kathleen Turner and look like a box of Wheat Thins! It's a voice over. Get it?

I also have a Toyota Radio spot somewhere out there in the world.

This has been shameless self promotions by Glennis Forester McMurray.

Love,

Glennis

Shootin' The Shizz with Molly McFizz!

Hey everyone! You should come see my brand new show tomorrow night!

Shootin' the Shizz... is a brand new talk show featuring 6-year-old host Molly McFizz interviewing some of New York's top comedians! This week our guests are the amazing Matt McCarthy and the adorable Becky Yamamoto! And, as always, the sassy, lactose intolerant, Golden Girls obsessed Aunt Colleen!

Wednesday, August 8th, 7pm
UCB Theatre
307 West 26th Street @ 8th Avenue
$5.00



See you there!!

Love,

Glennis

Want to Party?!?

Hey guys and gals!

Wanna be an extra in a teaser for a pilot my comedy-lovah Eliza and I are putting together?

OF COURSE YOU DO!!

We need you hot, trendy young things (or people who look like us) to come to Planet Rose Karaoke (14th Street and Avenue A) at 11:00am on Sunday, August 5th to be extras in our club scenes. You'll need to wear something that looks like you're at a club (button-down or dress) and you'll need to be there for as long as possible, we're gonna try to wrap by 5pm. We'll give you beer! And pizza! WHAT!!? AND you get to hang out with us and be in our show?!? Jesus christ call the fun police.

Hope you can make it. I just made this sound really exciting!

Love,

Glennis
(and Eliza)

YONF!!

YONF!

Year!
Of!
No!
Fear!

YEAR OF! NO FEAR!!

YEAROFNOOOO….FEAR!!

I decided that because Jen Mac and Eliza's "Year of" things are so inspiring that I shall now commence on my "Year of" thing… my Year of No Fear!

I think "YONF" has a nice little ring to it don't you?

That's it. Starting August 1st there is no more fear in my life. YOU DIG?

I guess I technically started a little while ago. I had a crush on a boy for a long time. I stepped up and told him… (ok… his friend…which is fine because this was BEFORE YONF. B.F. So that doesn't count…) that I liked him and now I'm dating my crush and insanely happy!

GO YONF!!

The next step is putting together an SNL audition tape! It's a wild and crazy dream (heyo) but come on! What's the worst that could happen!? I don't get the job? I don't have the job now! So who the frig cares!

GO YONF!!

This is going to be a good year, sans the fear.

Oh and my roommate is doing it to. Fuckin love her.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST BEAT IT, FEAR.

Love,

Glennis

Talkin Pennies

I posted this commercial on YouTube a long time ago and it keeps getting comments. (I'm almost embarassed at how I recorded it... I held my camera phone up to the tv. I think you can even hear me laugh at one point. I'm gonna start selling copies of this on dvd in the subway.) Anyway, the comments are all pretty much the same sentiment as me save for the most recent one. It cracked me up even more than the commercial!

Here's the commercial:


Here's my favorite comment:
"Even though this commercial is funny, that Brazilian guy is legit. People tend to have accents like that when English isn't their first language. How do I know? That guy is one of my good friends. He is a funny guy., but I think what you all are saying is just mean. So whoever said "worst accents EVER" was wrong. Except for the English chick, she isn't English, she's from Arkansas."

Hahahahaaaaaaa. Omg stop it. "Except for that English chick..." I am DYING. And I'm sorry but even if his accent is real it's still hilarious. Wait... am I coming off as racist? Oh lord, I hope not.

Oh and on a personal note, I am back at work and feeling much better. I'm fixed! Yay! And yes, I learned my lesson mommy, I promise I'm gonna get more sleep now.

Love,

Glennis "Shingles" McMurray

A Sick, Sick Sign

Guys! I have mother effing SHINGLES! Man, when I get sick I really get sick! (Although there was no crapping in the bed this time, thank you very much...)

About 2 weeks ago I got a really stiff neck and it just kept getting more and more painful. I thought it was a chiropractor thing so I went to a lovely woman who cracked, rubbed and ice-packed me and the next day it was 10x worse. I wasn't too concerned until my roommate looked at these weird swollen lymph nodes and said, "Glennis! It looks like you have an alien under your skin!" I looked in the mirror and she was right, right behind my ear there was a cluster of about 4 peanut-sized lumps that were very visible from under the skin. But still I just assumed they were knots from... a neck injury and even though I was in TERRIBLE pain (I literally woke up crying it hurt that bad) I decided it would just go away on its own. But when I woke up with freakin blisters on my neck I knew I needed to go see someone. So on Saturday I hobbled over to St. Vincent's on 12th and went to the emergency room. It was actually really fast and really great service. I thought I'd sit there forever but it was fairly quick. The doctor took a look at my swollen lymph nodes and thought it might be mono so she took some blood and then she saw the blisters and said, "oh! you have shingles!"

Shingles is the adult version of chicken pox. It's a virus that, once you get chicken pox as a kid, lays dormant in your nervous system your entire life. If your immune system gets really depleted due to stress, no sleep or something more severe like HIV or chemotherapy, it can attack! And give you blisters on your neck! And jesus h. CHRIST is it painful. They gave me vicadin for the pain and VALTREX for the virus. Because yes, it's a herpes. Not like vagina herpes you creeps. I just wish I could explain this pain to you guys. Mother of god I love me some vicadin.

So that's that and I think this is a sign that I need to slow down. If that means quitting some stuff I love, then so be it. I just need a damn vacation, y'all.

Hope you are doing well!!

xoxo

Love,

Glennis

New Panda-site!

I'm almost 100% done with the new I Eat Pandas website. There are a few changes I need to make but for the most part you can now gaze upon it and obsess over us. That's what you do anyway, right? This just makes it that much easier!

www.ieatpandas.com

Love,

Glennis

Fear

From this moment on NO MORE FEAR! Fear has jumped out my window! Fear has flung itself from my balcony onto the pillowy tree that stands below it... but oh no! Fear did not land softly in the tree! Fear is splattered all over the sidewalk! Fear! IS! NO! MORE!!

Now if you'll excuse me I have a lot of shit to do!

Love,

Glennis "Balls" McMurray

(Also...CONGRATULATIONS, MATT!!!)

The Dolce Vid-ea

Holy shit. Thank you, Chad.

http://www.dolcevillari.com/suite2-vid.htm

Amazing. I was sitting here thinking, "I should create a video like that for my own room" and then stopped myself right off. There's no way it'd be this great.

Enjoy.

Love,

Glennis

Providance '07 Recap

This past weekend marked I Eat Pandas' 3rd trip to the Providence Improv Festival and I have to say, this was the best trip yet!

First of all that video that I posted last night (of the talking cats) had Eliza and I in stitches all weekend. All she'd have to do is say, "Oh Don Piaaano" and I would have to cross my legs to keep pee from coming out. And still, a little bit did. Yes. We find that video THAT HILARIOUS. The first time I showed it to her she was literally on the floor holding her sides. How often does that happen!? Oh god I love that video.

Oh and you guys you should have seen our hotel room. It was like a psych-ward room! It was COMPLETELY white from top to bottom. White tile floors, white walls, white couch, white bed and the only art on the walls was some brushed metal shit that looked like it had been there since the 80s. Ridiculously white. I was saying to Eliza on our way up that I loved the Carmela Soprano look for houses even though it's totally ugly and cookie cutter. So when we walked into the room I think she expected me to go "ooooh yay!" when instead I went "WHAT THE FRIG!?" Oh wait! You can totally see the pictures on the website: http://www.dolcevillari.com/dolce.htm. Hilarious. Someone said "this room looks like they just hose it down after people leave" and I immediately wanted to cut someones throat and splatter blood everywhere. What else is a white room good for?!

We used the shit out of that hotel room, too. We had parties in it both nights, inviting all our new improv buddies (and some old ones as well) to share in the whiteness. The first night (Friday) we smoked and played music and basically "Aerosmith'd" the place until the night manager came banging on the door to remind us that it was 4am. We pussied out and made everyone leave. What kind of rock stars are we anyway!? Real rock stars would have told him to go eff his mother after blowing cigarette smoke in his face and then would have taken a dump on the comforter. (I did take a dump on the comforter but for other reasons. Why don't I have a boyfriend again?)

The 2nd night we partied until 4am and when I got tired I yelled "everyone get the fuck out! Glennis go bed!" and then sprawled out on the couch like a true lady. Seriously…why don't dudes want to get with this?

We had two shows while up there (no, we didn't travel to just trash hotel rooms and laugh at talking cats) and the show on Saturday night was with the AMAZING TJ & Dave! We got to open for them! It was seriously such an honor for us. We watched their show after ours and I just can't tell you how amazing those guys are. Their object work alone made me want to cut off my hands and give them to them. And switching characters with such ease and taking over the other's character and…jesus just everything about it. It's such a treat to watch. TJ is also a great guy. I had met him a while ago when my ex and I traveled up to Maine (he was up there working and living for the winter) and when I walked over to him to re-introduce myself he was like "yes! Glennis! You sang 'Magic Man' when we all went out karaokeing!" And not ONCE did he introduce me as "_____'s ex girlfriend." That's the sign of a true gentleman :)

And of course you know we didn't go all the way to Providence without hitting up the Providence Place Mall. Word! We hit the usual stores (Delia*s, Hot Topic, Forevsies Twenty-Onesies) and a few new ones; they now have an H&M which isn't picked over and disgusting like the ones in NY. We saw two movies (Ratatouille and 1408) neither of which left me that impressed. I love Pixar but that shit's not as magical now that Disney took it over. Boo, I hate you so much Disney. And honestly, 1408 just made us laugh.

We traded in the bus back for the cushier, beerier train and did indeed have a congratulatory beer on the way home. We arrived back in NY safe and sound and with one more successful trip under our belts.

All in all it was a really successful trip and a great time. Thanks to Mauro and everyone who worked so hard to put it together!

And when I look back on this trip I'll always remember one thing the most:

That fucking cat video.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Ooohhh Don Piano

There are a few things that make me laugh no matter how many times I watch/hear them. One of the more recent ones was Paul Reubens on 30 Rock (...FOR COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY!). I watched that clip maybe...oh...I don't know...30 TIMES. It rocked. Heyoooo.

This weekend Eliza and I were in Providence (holy shit so much fun for reals...that's the next post...my sleeping pill is kicking in) and I remembered that I had never shown her this video. Kate showed me the video a while ago while we were sitting in a coffee shop and we almost got kicked out. I won't say anything else cuz I don't want to ruin it for you or build it up to much but it left Eliza on the floor, crying. CRYING.

So now, I present to you:

Cat's Talking (the best part starts at :50 in)


And it gets even better if you watch it with your eyes closed.

Ok I'm about to fall over. Mommy took her medicine. Mewwwwmewwwmew.

Have a good night!

xoxo

Glennis
(Why I eyes ya)

Jemtastic!

Hey you guys check out this sweet little review Jem & The Holograms got by the Comedy Central Insider! Yay!


Showtime, Synergy!

xoxo

Glennis

Ruh-Ro!

Holy shit...this guy's amazing!



Well, I found my future husband.

Love,

Glennis

Everyone's Singing They Just Want To Be Heard

I'm in such a state right now. Peaceful and happy and content and a little tired but mostly just plain... right. I went to see Waitress tonight after Dance Dance Party Party and dinner with Marcy. I was in a different state earlier today after 500 beers last night, diner food at 4am and coming home as the sun came up. A wonderful and riotous night out with friends after a successful show and a man pulling me aside to tell me I am beautiful. Everyone should have sweet moments like that. Moments in hallways and out of the eyes of strangers.

Tonight was another wonderful New York night. One of those nights where I'm surrounded by the madness and the noise and the rush but I'm inside myself and just happy. I took a cab home to give my tired feet a rest. I came upstairs, immediately set down my stuff, grabbed my ipod and sat out on my balcony and listened to 3 Patty Griffin Songs. The last one was "Top of the World" which has the line I used for my title. I was full out, tears streaming down my face crying by the time that song ended. But they were happy tears. Tears that just had to come out and so I let them! Get out of this head tears! You're free! Ok that's a little cheesy but it was wonderful. It's a perfect Summer night out and I just couldn't think of a better place to be than right there at that moment.

I'm not sure what will happen in my life but I think for the first time I'm ok with not knowing. I'd always say "as soon as this happens I'll be happy." As soon as I lose weight... As soon as I get married... As soon as I get this job... As soon as ...well you get the picture.

And I feel like my posts are becoming a little repetitive and definitely cheese-town but it's something I guess I want to remember. Just in case a time comes along when I'm not so happy for one reason or another. I don't ever think I'll get back to the state I was in before and that's because I'm finally me. I know who I am. For the first time in my life.

I am taking a class with these women right now. They are beautiful and wonderful and amazing. They share things with us that just make me thankful there are people like that out there. They are so raw and open and generous and I can't tell you how much it means to me to be in the class. They tell stories about their life and they don't ask anyone to pity them. It's magical.

After watching Waitress tonight Marcy told me that she thought the director, and one of the actresses in the movie, Adrienne Shelly, had died recently. I thought how sad that someone who made something so wonderful is now dead. Her whole heart came out in that movie and to know she'd never make another one was too much. I just looked up more information on her and read this.

I'm not ending this post on a sad note but rather a happy one. It's wonderful that she got to show the world how much happiness and talent she had inside before she died. Some people never get a chance to do that and they live far too many years. Even if you only get to show one person who you are, do it. Life's too short not too. Be who you are. Make no apologies. You never know what you might find out.

Love,

Glennis

PS - The post below this one kind of ruins the moment so stop scrolling now.

Hmmm

It's been a while since I've made out with anyone inappropriately in a bar (on the street/at work) so I'm think it's high time I make out with someone.



Yes.

You will do quite nicely.

Quite nicely indeed.

Standards!

Love,

Glennis

I'm Losing You

Aren't I? You're slowly slipping through my fingers because I do not post enough. Isn't that right? Like a marriage gone sour because the MAN works too many hours or the WOMAN is out saving babies with no arms and fixing cleft palates.

Well let's just not get down on ourselves now, shall we? I'm here now!

I'm here to tell you that I am exhausted, once again. But this time I know why and I don't mind all that much. For you see I am exhausted because I work for almost 48 hours straight. Well not really but I am adding some hours for DRAMATIC! EFFECT! I get up Tuesday morning at around 7am. I brish my teeth and wursh my face in the inbred way I was taught (with ma fingurs!) and I head out the door for work. Sometimes on the way to work transvestites comment on my outfit. This doesn't happen much in the morning but when it does it's always appreciated. Who knew these shoes were so last season? Lately I am ALWAYS found jamming to my new Bose headphones. A pretty penny they did cost but dammit I'm working so hard (see: this post) and putting every last dime into paying off my credit card (which I'm sure if full of dinners out and booze - a solid investment if ever there was one) I thought hey! I deserve a present! So yes, I am walking and jamming every Tuesday morning. (The jamming as of late has been to Rihanna's new CD. When I tell you that "Don't Stop The Music" is the best song of all time I'm hoping you listen. Good god I am 12.)

I get to work and for 10 hours I sit and do random jobs for the man. If you'd like to picture me in glasses with my hair piled atop my head - pencils jetting about - knee-length skirt and just enough cleavage... you may. Sometimes during those 10 hours I am allowed to go out for auditions. This sounds exciting! And most of the time it is (because I am always accompanied by my dear headphones and my dear Rihanna) but it is also tiring and rushing. After the 10 hours of typing, tasking, rushing and auditioning, I head to my next job. My next job has been called "the perfect job for Glennis McMurray" because I am a bartender at a karaoke bar. THE karaoke bar if you're askin. Planet Rose karaoke (on 14th and Avenue A - stop by, won't you?) to be exact. Starting at 8pm every Tuesday night I do stuff like this:


While my friends do things like this:



...and this:



Being surrounded by happy people who love me (either because they know me or because I am providing them with mass amounts of alcohol) singing songs they rock... well it's not a bad thing, I'll tell you that much you guys. (You can see the entire flickr set here. It will be updated every week. Stop in an maybe YOUR picture will be there too.)

Sometimes even this happens:



I'll be honest with you. I hope this happens more often.

After working, bustling, hustling until around 2:30am, I go home and I sleep. Yes, I do sleep. For at least 3 1/2 hours. That's right I'm up again at 7am. It's not easy! Because that very day that I wake up at 7am I have to work another 10 hours for the man and then run Dance Dance Party Party! And not just run but participate in. Dancing? After that much work? Well that's where I am right now. I'm currently stuffing some salad and fruit bits into my mouth and I'm watching Creature Comforts on CBS. Holy LORD thank you for that show! It's adorable!! Please watch it guys cuz my friend Chad Carter worked on it and he's brilliant and deserves success.

I am really not kidding now. I have got to sleep, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

Truly Truly Truly

The first picture of me as Jem is being circulated. Please, gaze upon my Jemness and try not to touch yourself in dirty places.



Save the date... June 25th @ 7pm, UCB Theatre.

(My boobies look HUGE in that picture but I assure you, it's just the angle.)

xoxo

Love,

Glennis Benson

Adjusting

It's weird.

I spent my whole life thinking I was happy. And now I really am. So what was I before? I was pretending, right you guys? Pretending to be happy? Getting by? Is that what we do? It's like your eyes adapting to darkness...you know you're not going to get any more light so you just deal with what's there and adjust.

I adjusted my focus off of the outer things I thought would make me happy like:

A BOYFRIEND!
MORE MONEY!
FAME!
FOOD! (ok that's a lie...food is my lover)
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! (also a lie. can't live without him.)

and now I focus on me. Just me.

And I know that sounds totally selfish but I swear it's not. Because what I used to focus on was all that stuff everyone else focuses on coupled with the constant thought that people were judging me. I couldn't have a conversation (and I mean COULD_NOT) because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eliza mentioned that the other day in reference to improvisers wanting so desperately to be funny. They become so paralyzed by the fear that what they are about to say will be terribly unfunny. I was paralyzed. I didn't let anyone close to me. Ever.

So now I've hit these amazing breakthroughs in therapy and I want to cry at how happy I am. I want to cry! I don't know how else to explain it to you guys!

Sometimes I write these blog posts because I have this fantasy that someone out there is reading them going through the same things I am. No, not the "meeting girls named Cherish" same things...but the insecurities and the sadness and I guess a little regret. I guess I never thought people could change but they can. As long as they want to. I think that's why I've had so much success in therapy... I really wanted to change. I knew there was something wrong when I'd pick fights with someone I was supposed to love and wasn't able to look people in the eye. I'm just surprised I stuck with it and actually came out the other end in a better place. It's just unbelievable to me.

I said to my therapist the other day that I never believed in pure happiness and I thought that even if things were going well in my life before I found ways to make it bad. I complained a lot and talked bad about people. I hated my job. SO much. But I just don't care to be miserable any more. I guess you could argue and say that I have a pretty sweet life and really what do I have to be miserable about. If you're looking for stuff to be upset about you're always going to find something. Trust me. I could give you a list, I'm sure. But it's not important. Focusing on the positive hasn't become a task, it's just second nature now.

I wish I was a little more eloquent so I could help you understand how I feel. I guess maybe you get it.

I hope you're all happy too. And yes, I realize I am a huge nerd for writing this all down but dammit I'm inspired.

So have a great night.

xoxo

Glennis

The Pretty

Tonight, as a part of my new "me" (more about that another post) I decided to embrace the moment and tag along with a new friend to the Gramercy Hotel. I've been in there before but it was during the day and let me tell you, friends, it's a much different scene at night. We were barely allowed in (new friend had to call his friend to gain entrance and even then it was with glaring eyes and suspicion and EAR PIECES). I won't take long on this because I must sleep but here are a few moments from the night.

Girl 1 at my table (to girl 2): You are so fancy.
Girl 2: No I am not.
Girl 1: Yes you are.
Girl 2: No I never dress this fancy. Even when I'm around famous people.

Then I'm outside and this girl hears me talking about Amy Sedaris. She interrupts (this is a new girl, not someone I'd met before) and says, "Oh my gooood are you talking about Amy Sedaris???" I said yes and started to get excited about talking with someone about her and I go "Strangers With Candy was so great, right? Did you see the movie?" and she goes, "that's what I was TALKING ABOUT." It was a TV show too, I remind her, and she goes "oh I don't know. whatever."

Aw, so pretty.

Then I kind of drift off for a minute and she sticks her hand out and goes "CHERISH." And I stand there and in my head go...what? She goes, "Cherish." I wanted to say "the thought...?" And then realize she's giving me her name. As my roommate said, "Cherish is not a name. It's barely a verb." But I gotta hand it to her... I remembered her name.

So anyway, that was my awesome night. I also saw my friend Christina's band play at Arlene's and they rocked my effin world. Yaburnt.

Anyway...

Have a great day, dammit.

Love,

Glennis

Karaoke Dreams Do Come True

People I'm proud to bring you the news that I have officially started as a bartender on Tuesday nights at New York's best karaoke haunt... PLANET ROSE!

I start at 8pm and go till 2:30 so stop by, drink with me, keep me company and above all SING. I will back up your songs with beautiful harmonies while pouring you fancy drinks like vodka/soda and rum/coke.

Is this a dream come true for yours truly?

Yes, Yes it is.



See you there!

xoxo

Glennis

PS - Planet Rose is located at 14th Street and Avenue A (take the L to 1st) right next to Mozzarella's Pizza.

Let's sing!

The Best of Intentions

Guys, I just...

I just don't understand it.

There are people out there who I'm sure get invitations to their cousin's wedding and in their mind they think "oh lovely. a wedding. what fun this shall be." and they pick out a dress and the dress is stunning and they dance and act merry and end the night wrapped in a blanket of dignity and champagne.

And then there are people like me. I just don't know where I go wrong you guys. I have the best of intentions and yet things just go down the pooper for me. I mean I really do live my life in a sit-com.

Ah-for Example...

This past weekend I went up to New Hampshire for my cousin Emry's wedding. Emry is a McCliment and dammit I love the McCliments so much. I was especially excited because it was a mini family reunion of sorts seeing as all my Uncle Jim's brothers would be there, my cousin Sarah (whom I adore), and even some family I hadn't met! (My dad was the youngest of 14...there are a lot of us out there.) Not to mention the fact that the McCliments know how to drink. Which is why sometimes I secretly think I've got a little more "Climent" than "Murray" in me. So anyway, there was a lot of family and a lot of booze. And Glennis.

Usually when I go to weddings I borrow a dress from a friend (Liz) who has better taste than me (Liz/Kate/Eliza/everyone I know) but THIS time I found a dress. No... I found THE dress. The most awesome dress I'd ever seen and yet simple and elegant and so classy and fun. It was just perfect. And cheap! Yes... it was from H&M (because I hold stock in the store) and it only set me back $50. Pretty sweet deal, eh? But the best part of the outfit was the shoes... patent leather gray high heels. GORG. I was just like...what? Seriously? Someone climbed in my dusty mind and found the perfect shoes for me? Awesome. So the outfit was amazing and I was SO excited to slip into it and be elegant. Dammit I was going to be elegant! (This is foreshadowing...)

The day of the wedding my cousin Sarah (um guys... Sarah is maybe the most awesome chick ever. you don't even know.) and I went over to Emry's fiance's house to get ready with her and her family. I didn't know them at all but they graciously let me use their shower and ride along in the limo with them to the wedding. So lovely. So we're getting ready, we're all beautiful, I'm rushing around trying to stay out of their way, and they head outside to take pictures. Their house was on a sweet little sweet in New Hampshire with neighbors out admiring the super stretch limo sitting out front and the fancy ladies on the lawn. I stood to the side admiring the photo shoot with some other random people - the limo driver, someone's husband, a family friend - when all of the sudden A HUGE GUST OF WIND BLOWS MY DRESS STRAIGHT OVER MY HEAD. OVER. MY. HEAD. Now... here's the thing you guys. This dress didn't have a waste...it was sort of as if I pulled a skirt right up above my boobs and added a sleeveless top. Still can't see what I'm saying? Imagine I'm a picnic table and my dress is a table cloth and the wind is a TORNADO. So yeah...there was really nothing left to the imagination. In fact one of the guys standing by me said, "I'll have that mental picture. Forever." Dude. Your wife is right there. (Also...thank you.) I mean thank god I was wearing underwear but mother of god could I not have kept my waxing appointment before I left town?? Jesus. Soooo...yeah. I pretty much flashed my furry meow meow (oh my god please don't call it that ever again) to the entire wedding party.

After that we get in the limo (where I flashed people again because OF THAT DAMN DRESS) and head to the wedding. The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. The men in the party wore kilts which meant pretty soon I had some company in the flashing department! We all hopped in the limo after the wedding to take a little spin around New Hampshire and it was hilarious watching the boys (sans drawers) try to hide their junk. Oh except when they were hanging their asses out the window of the limo flashing passing drivers. God I love them. Seriously they are so much fun. My cousin Sarah even flashed a passing car with a dad, mom and kid in it and the dad mouthed to her "thank you." It was maybe the best moment ever. So funny.

So you're saying to yourself "your dress blew up? that's it? that's what all this fuss was about?" Oh loyal reader, how little you know me.

The reception of the wedding was awesome. They had a great band and so much dancing and so much wine and so much dancing and twirling (but only a little so as not to flash the small children on the floor) and so much fun. I even sang "The Man I Love" for Emry and Holly (a capella - eeps) because they had asked me to sing for the wedding but we ran out of time. They came over gave me the biggest hug after that...it was seriously such a great time. I can't even get over it. So anyway, yes I had much wine and much fun and I might have been a bit tipsy as we walked out to say good night. And I might have had a huge bag with me. And I might have been saying good-bye to a cute boy I'd been flirting with all weekend. So what?! You're saying YOU wouldn't have stumbled off the curb cutting a huge gash in your shin and bruising both of your legs to bloody hell?? Oh like you're so perfect Mr. Fancy Pants with your walking and your staying erect!

Seriously... I am still in pain you guys. My shin has a HUGE gash in it (that probably should have gotten stitches but instead got some sweet bandaging by my Aunt Jeanne) and I am BUSTED UP. Just in time for Summer! Yay! I honestly look like I got into an accident on a bike or something. And I didn't fall in front of a few family members I hadn't seen in ages...oh no. I fell in front of EVERYONE.

But guys... and this is about to get really sappy so just hold onto your cry-lenol (thanks for that one, Sarah)... I don't know if I've ever been surrounded by so many caring, loving awesome people at one time. The entire family at once made sure I was ok (rushing inside to get my tissues and paper towel) and made SO MUCH FUN OF ME for falling I almost died from over love. Over love? YES. OVER LOVE.

It's not that I haven't felt loved or cared for before in my life. I really can't explain it (I say as I'm sitting here getting teary thinking about this) but the kind of connection you can have with people who haven't seen you in 15-26 YEARS where they can make you feel like the most important person in the world WHILE making fun of you for being a total clutz... it's beyond compare.

I spent the whole rest of my trip dreading coming back to New York. It was the first time that has happened. I always look so forward to coming home. The minute I step off that plane/train I breath in the poopie New York air and smile. This is where I feel safe, happy, loved. But for the rest of the trip and still today all I can do is think about how amazing my family is and how much I wish we all lived on the same block in some town in America. Does that at ALL sound like me? I can tell ya, it don't.

Just before I wrote this my Uncle Jim called me to say the family was sitting on the deck of his pub (he owns J.D. McCliments in Putney, VT...tell them I sent you) wishing I was there. My heart!

I guess this post ended a little differently than I expected it to. I am beyond exhausted (having traveled for 6 hours yesterday, performed in a show, bar tended until 3am, slept for 3 1/2 hours and worked a 10-hour shift. Oh and then did dance dance party party. Beyond.) but I can't pull back on the cheese. Sorry guys. You're just gonna have to deal, bokay?

I'm not really sure how to end this post so I'll just say falling off that curb was the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

Have a great day on that porch, guys.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Seriously. Do not ever use the phrase "furry meow meow" again. I will cut you.