Glesbo: Bronchsma

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Bronchsma

Well, it's official. I went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. So anyone who's seen me sing within the past two days and left with feeling that I am indeed the most amazing performer you've ever seen, you should now find yourself doubly impressed! I had bronchitis!

Doc listened to my lungs. A lot. Got me worried. He kept having me breath in, blow out, breath in, blow out and then say "EEEEEEEE" over and over (hey that's how I sound during sex!) and all I could think was "oh my god. I have lung cancer." Why would I think such a thing. Clearly I'm insane. Haven't we realized that?

After telling me it sounds like I have asthmatic lungs (!!!) he sends me upstairs to blow into this tube to measure the force behind my breath. It's more fun blowing out candles, I tell him, but he insists I blow into a plastic tube. Whatever party pooper. So I do. And it sucks (blows) and it's hard cuz I CAN'T BREATH but the doctor looks at my results and says I don't have asthma. Phew!

How many times can I be sick in one year, you guys!!?! And my boss has no sympathy for me at all. Not an inch, not a smidge even though I'm sitting here hacking up a lung and I look like death.

Whatever!! I've got my z-pack and my musinex and you can eat a bag of snot, creep!! I hope this whole office gets Bronchitis.

Speaking of... my office is having a client appreciation party today and we spent $5,000 on flowers. Last year I got a 3% raise. EAT ME HARD, OFFICE.

Love,

Glennis

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Glennis-isms

Clair Stare (v) - Derived from the fabulous Clair Huxtable's show-stopping stare. As powerful as any words, fist or bullets and twice as effective. "Piss slowly dripping down his leg he knew at once that his airplane hijacking attempt had, once again, been thwarted by the Clair Stare."

Out-Regis-and-Kelly (adj.) - Used to describe someone's fabulous, sparkly outrageousness. "Not sure if the girl in front of her had fallen or begun a strange, errotic dance, she chose to classify her as out-regis-and-kelly."

Out-Regis-and-Kathy-Lee (adj.) - Used to describe someone's slightly off-putting, drunken or outdated behavior. "The party took a turn for the worse when they arrived and, in truly out-regis-and-kathy-lee fashion, upper decked every bathroom in the house."

Prrrthetic (adj.) - Used to describe a pathetic action that, somehow, ends up making you look adorable. "The prrr-thetic attempt to get him back fell short when the aerial photo of his face made out of cats was overexposed."