Things have been a little rough over at the old 9-5 lately. Accusations, Disney figurines, tears, and threatened quitting and yet I'm still sitting here at 8:30 in the morning on a Thursday which is technically my Friday which leads me right back to why I'm still here.
I am that rare NY actress who's had the same boring desk job for 6 year. SIX YEARS PEOPLE. That's a lot of hours clocked in perfecting this pancake of an ass I have. (Haven't noticed? Check it out next time you see me. I don't mind!) The reason I've had this job so long is because of my golden handcuffs. I work 30 hrs a week in 3 days, have a 4 day weekend, receive benefits and vacation days and can leave for auditions. It's a sweet deal!! I appreciate that deal! I really do! What I don’t appreciate is everything that comes with it.
How do you explain to someone who lives and breaths for this company that you're trying your best? That you have an entire other office of people who expect you to be places when they tell you to be there. To make them money. To book that job or at least show up to audition for that job. And I love auditioning. I love booking jobs. I love it! But I hate the process of auditioning while trying to hold down a day job. I blame my shingles and the fact that I now have bronchitis on the damn stress of it all! Leaving the office with just enough time to make it to your audition on time (assuming the trains run on schedule) while not leaving too early so as not to be away from the office too long. Arriving for your audition most often to find a room full of people waiting to go in as well. How long has everyone been waiting?? You sign in, sit down, read your copy while paying attention to how long each person is spending in the room. 10 minutes average time 5 people… shit! And that's before I even audition and head back to the office! Check the time again. HOW CAN 20 MINUTES HAVE GONE BY SINCE I GOT HERE AND I'M NO CLOSER!?! Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. Come on! Fucking hurry up!!! What the fuck is taking so long!?! Jesus christ ok calm down. Read your copy again. Wait… there's nothing to read…it's all an explanation of a scenario of how crazy it is when friends hang out and eat chips together. FUCK! Ok shit ok 3 more people in front of me. Maybe I should just leave. I don't really NEED this audition. I probably won't even get this job. What's the point. I never get any of these jobs! Shit… no that's exactly why I don't. Relax. Think positively. Oh my god why the fuck has this dumb bitch been in that room for 12 minutes?! Is she blowing the casting director!!? Come on!!! Ok… she's out. Doesn't smell like a BJ. I'll let her off. "See you later, Gertrude! Great to see you!" Slut. Fucking slut probably blew the CD to get the job. Ok my turn is coming up. Get your size card. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SIZE CARD. Oh my god I hate filling this shit out. Same shit every audition. My name! They called my name! Sweet salvation I'm going in!! Tell others of my story!! Ok I'm in the room. Let's get this shit done. Yes. Yes, I realize I'm hanging out with my friends eating chips. I've done that before. I get it. Yes. I know how to look confused. Jesus christ do you want to audition for this commercial? I mean why don't I get behind the camera and YOU can audition since clearly you're dying for this part since you've explained it to me 14 times already! OMG COME ON!!! Just let me do it please! PLEASE!!! Oh fuck this shit. Fuck it all. And I'm sure the inner monologue that's going through my head the entire time I'm in the room is clear upon my face. Which probably hinders my ability to honestly look like I'm hanging with friends eating chips. Which in turn makes the client go "NEXT" when seeing my audition. Which in turn makes me want to put a gun to my head because if I can't be relaxed when I'm auditioning then what is the point? AMIRITE PEOPLE!?!
So if it's so stressful and you hate it so much why not quit? Well it's all a part of the process. We audition for commercials for practice, for the money, and for every one in a million people who get a truly funny national commercial, a little bit of recognition. (Or a sitcom spin off…whatevs.) It's not easy and yet it's the easiest thing in the world.
But try explaining all this to a woman yelling at you about being gone from the office and taking advantage of this cushy situation they've set up for you. Maybe I do push the envelope here. Maybe I'm not the best worker in the world. Maybe I do have other things on my mind. But I'm trying to stay afloat here people. I'm trying to get two jobs done without anyone noticing that I'm freaking out about how to balance the rest of the shows, people and family issues in my life.
That being said… let's face it. I don't have much to complain about. I have a really good life and I try to appreciate it as much as I can. Matt is great at helping me calm down and try to be in the moment. He's one of those "whatever happens, happens" people. Like The Dude. And he hates The freakin Eagles, man. So I can learn a lot from him.
I moved to NY with $500 and 5 suitcases and 10 years later I'm still here. If that doesn't teach me that everything turns out ok in the end then I don't know what will.
Stop whining, McMurray. You have an audition in half an hour.
(Ew was that the most self-indulgent blog post ever? Yeah like you have anything better to do between YOUR auditions than read my blog while you sit at your shitty office job. Please. I know my demographic!!)
(PS - If anyone out there has experience in PR let me know. I wanna pick your brain. I'll make it worth your time. You get to hang out with MEEEEE!!! I am AWESOME!!!! AND I SMELL LIKE SUGAR!!! Email me.)