I'm in such a state right now. Peaceful and happy and content and a little tired but mostly just plain... right. I went to see Waitress tonight after Dance Dance Party Party and dinner with Marcy. I was in a different state earlier today after 500 beers last night, diner food at 4am and coming home as the sun came up. A wonderful and riotous night out with friends after a successful show and a man pulling me aside to tell me I am beautiful. Everyone should have sweet moments like that. Moments in hallways and out of the eyes of strangers.
Tonight was another wonderful New York night. One of those nights where I'm surrounded by the madness and the noise and the rush but I'm inside myself and just happy. I took a cab home to give my tired feet a rest. I came upstairs, immediately set down my stuff, grabbed my ipod and sat out on my balcony and listened to 3 Patty Griffin Songs. The last one was "Top of the World" which has the line I used for my title. I was full out, tears streaming down my face crying by the time that song ended. But they were happy tears. Tears that just had to come out and so I let them! Get out of this head tears! You're free! Ok that's a little cheesy but it was wonderful. It's a perfect Summer night out and I just couldn't think of a better place to be than right there at that moment.
I'm not sure what will happen in my life but I think for the first time I'm ok with not knowing. I'd always say "as soon as this happens I'll be happy." As soon as I lose weight... As soon as I get married... As soon as I get this job... As soon as ...well you get the picture.
And I feel like my posts are becoming a little repetitive and definitely cheese-town but it's something I guess I want to remember. Just in case a time comes along when I'm not so happy for one reason or another. I don't ever think I'll get back to the state I was in before and that's because I'm finally me. I know who I am. For the first time in my life.
I am taking a class with these women right now. They are beautiful and wonderful and amazing. They share things with us that just make me thankful there are people like that out there. They are so raw and open and generous and I can't tell you how much it means to me to be in the class. They tell stories about their life and they don't ask anyone to pity them. It's magical.
After watching Waitress tonight Marcy told me that she thought the director, and one of the actresses in the movie, Adrienne Shelly, had died recently. I thought how sad that someone who made something so wonderful is now dead. Her whole heart came out in that movie and to know she'd never make another one was too much. I just looked up more information on her and read this.
I'm not ending this post on a sad note but rather a happy one. It's wonderful that she got to show the world how much happiness and talent she had inside before she died. Some people never get a chance to do that and they live far too many years. Even if you only get to show one person who you are, do it. Life's too short not too. Be who you are. Make no apologies. You never know what you might find out.
PS - The post below this one kind of ruins the moment so stop scrolling now.