I spent my whole life thinking I was happy. And now I really am. So what was I before? I was pretending, right you guys? Pretending to be happy? Getting by? Is that what we do? It's like your eyes adapting to darkness...you know you're not going to get any more light so you just deal with what's there and adjust.
I adjusted my focus off of the outer things I thought would make me happy like:
FOOD! (ok that's a lie...food is my lover)
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! (also a lie. can't live without him.)
and now I focus on me. Just me.
And I know that sounds totally selfish but I swear it's not. Because what I used to focus on was all that stuff everyone else focuses on coupled with the constant thought that people were judging me. I couldn't have a conversation (and I mean COULD_NOT) because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eliza mentioned that the other day in reference to improvisers wanting so desperately to be funny. They become so paralyzed by the fear that what they are about to say will be terribly unfunny. I was paralyzed. I didn't let anyone close to me. Ever.
So now I've hit these amazing breakthroughs in therapy and I want to cry at how happy I am. I want to cry! I don't know how else to explain it to you guys!
Sometimes I write these blog posts because I have this fantasy that someone out there is reading them going through the same things I am. No, not the "meeting girls named Cherish" same things...but the insecurities and the sadness and I guess a little regret. I guess I never thought people could change but they can. As long as they want to. I think that's why I've had so much success in therapy... I really wanted to change. I knew there was something wrong when I'd pick fights with someone I was supposed to love and wasn't able to look people in the eye. I'm just surprised I stuck with it and actually came out the other end in a better place. It's just unbelievable to me.
I said to my therapist the other day that I never believed in pure happiness and I thought that even if things were going well in my life before I found ways to make it bad. I complained a lot and talked bad about people. I hated my job. SO much. But I just don't care to be miserable any more. I guess you could argue and say that I have a pretty sweet life and really what do I have to be miserable about. If you're looking for stuff to be upset about you're always going to find something. Trust me. I could give you a list, I'm sure. But it's not important. Focusing on the positive hasn't become a task, it's just second nature now.
I wish I was a little more eloquent so I could help you understand how I feel. I guess maybe you get it.
I hope you're all happy too. And yes, I realize I am a huge nerd for writing this all down but dammit I'm inspired.
So have a great night.