Tuesday, October 03, 2006

A Work of Fiction. Kinda.

Listen, I cheated on my diet already. It has been a real struggle! I have forces of evil working against me.

Here's what happened:

I went to Dunkin Donuts this morning to get my regular coffee-in-a-bucket to help kick start my day. I never have a problem in there because I absolutely despise donuts but this morning... there she was. A single, perfect, lovely Pumpkin muffin. Sugar sprinkles adorned her bulbous, crusty head. I tried. I really tried not to buy her but she called to me!

"Gleeeeeenis! Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennis! Please don't let that creepy dude behind you buy me! I see him eyeing me. He'll mistreat me! Look at his dirty hands! He doesn't deserve my sugary goodness! HE... HE WON'T FINISH ME!"

"Oh for the love of GOD! Give me a freakin pumpkin muffin already!" I screamed at the Dunkin D cashier.

I heard the man behind me hold his breath. I could feel his body tense up. He knew there was nothing he could do. I was first in line! He wanted that muffin for himself and now here she was, in my bag, safe in my hands.

I briefly felt a wave of satisfaction sweep over me. I'd won.

But it wasn't enough. He had to know this was right. He had to know she was never intended to be his!

I turned around and looked him square in the eyes as I reached, slowly, into the crisp bag containing PunkyMuffster (I'd already named her. I'd only known her for 20 seconds and I'd already named her! Wasn't THAT ENOUGH FOR HIM!!?!?). I slowly, gently pulled her out of the bag... my eyes never leaving his face. Then, without even peeling back the protective muffin cup, I STUFFED Punky into my mouth.

The man looked aghast, almost as if I'd just stuffed an entire muffin into my mouth.

I nodded wildly as if to say, "yes! Yes!! I've WON! She's going to her rightful home! MY BABY IS GOING HOME!!!" and started to laugh uncontrollably. Tiny pieces of Punky flew everywhere. Mothers held their children close to their bosoms and looked away in horror.

My mouth still full of her spicy caked goodness, I wiped a small stream of spittle from my chin and smiled. I swallowed PunkyMuffster and I choked a little bit because let's face it that's a lot of muffin. But I did indeed swallow her and I watched his face turn to defeat. Or disgust. It could have been either. It was really hard to tell because that was a lot of muffin and my eyes were really watery.


As I walked out of that Dunkin D I heard the tiny cheers of Punky's friends. Banana Nut! Coffee Cake! Blueberry! The ones I could not save but who knew I'd done my best.

Perhaps I'll risk another visit to save the others. I doubt I'll see the creepy man with the dirty hands again but if I do, and if you are reading this Sir... hear me now! You will never win! I will eat every last muffin on Earth, my fat expanding to the size of a Buick, before I let you win! DO YOU HEAR ME!!?!??!

That was seriously a lot of muffin. I'm kind of still choking a little bit.




PS - I don't have mono.

1 comment:

Liz said...

Next time you want a muffin, just think about how gnarly the phrase "bulbous crusty head" is and how rife with STD metaphors it is. That would turn me off of even the most delicious baked treat.

Just here to help!