I know a lot of you missed my performance at The Breakup Show (along with the amazingly talented Kimmy Gatewood, Jordan Carlos, Party Central USA! and Nick Stevens) the other night. (And I can only hope you had a good big excuse. You really hurt my feelings, people! Ok not really... I, like Dolly Parton, will always love you. Yes even you, weird creepy dude in the back.)
Here's my steamy, scandalous essay fresh off the presses. I hope it fills you single ladies with vigor and gets you off those couches and out there in the game.
(My thanks to Liz Black who helped me write the funny parts.)
It's the stuff legends are made of. It's a cliché and an anomaly all wrapped up in one tidy evening. It's the kind of story I'll tell at parties and in salons for ages to come. Not beauty salons, but you know... those old-timey sitting rooms that Dorothy Parker would drink and fuck in. Ladies will tell other ladies about this story! About how a woman, for one evening, behaved just like a man and liked it.
Because I went from one 4 year relationship to another, I'd classify myself as a very monogamous person. What do I know about one night stands? I was like a sex comet that has only orbited around two dicks (and not at the same time), and I started feeling like a black hole.
My last 4 year relationship ended as so many do. I wanted kids, he did not. Things could have lasted a month, seeing as I had that information from the beginning, but I like long, drawn out stories with obvious conclusions.
And hopefully you do too.
It started on a rainy Friday in September as my pals Tara, Andrew and I set off for the land of love; Washington, DC. Glennis being single is a pretty hot topic on the public agenda these days which is why that’s all we discussed on the car ride there. Because I had a captive audience I professed my need to just have sex without, "all the yucky strings" and at that point we knew in our hearts that there would be a man without a plus one at this wedding. And I would make him my plus one. In bed.
I had my mission. Have one night stand. Could I, Miss Monogamy, do this? I’m cute. I’m single. I’ve got all the working parts. Fuck it, I thought. Let’s do this. And so I switched gears in my brain from, “sweet, caring, girlfriend-type” to “dirty, dirty, man whore.”
My friend Kate said two things to me when I told her of my plan. She said that it would be very easy to spot the single men, as everyone's there as a couple, and that I should not begrudge the presence of a swing band as that sort of music would be conducive to being close and touching. I thought, “What better way to get close to someone than having him dip, twirl and swing me thru his legs. (Before I swing him thru mine.)” She added, "You are so getting laid tonight."
Now, it must be said that the lovely Kimmy Gatewood was also at this wedding. And because she too is recently single I eventually realized she would be my competition which meant I had to be bold! Because quite honestly if you were to line the two of us up I'm pretty sure the Gatewood would have Got-wood that night. So, my apologies, Kimmy because in the immortal words of Brandy and Monica, The Boy is Mine.
The boy, was Dan. The only single man at the wedding. He was really tan. And a man! He was Tan Man Dan. He was so tan he was almost magenta, and he was so manly that he was Mangenta. Yes, he was manly, but also easily manipulated.
I introduced myself to Tan Man Dan and within minutes we were out on the dance floor. Just as Kate had predicted, we were indeed touching. Touching is good when you want someone to know you'd like to have sex. But if that doesn’t work, you can always say, “I’d like to have sex.” But that comes later.
Dan spun me ‘round that dance floor like an old pro. And when I tired of dancing I leaned in close and said, “I’d like to kiss you now.” Dan made a face made up of shock and excitement and I grabbed him by the hand and took him behind the building. I pulled out all the stops and gave him an amazing kiss to which he said, “Wait, you’re a really good kisser... let me put down my beer.” That’s right ladies and gents, one kiss from me is like a year of AA meetings.
Our kissing was shortly interrupted by 3 wedding guests walking past us on the way to their car. Had I not been filled to the brim with free Chardonnay, I might have felt self conscious having my hand down his pants. Dan, however, turned a deeper shade of magenta and whispered to me, “Do you think they saw?" to which I replied, "shhhh shh shh, no talking" and continued to suck his face off.
Eventually our make out session came to an end when his sisters called saying they were leaving. I gave him one last kiss and smacked him on the ass as he walked away. (I wish I was kidding.) We made plans to meet up at the "after party" which was the bar downstairs from my hotel. Bingo.
Phil Collins has a song called, “Against All Odds.” I’m pretty sure it was written about my night because in the span of an hour, against all odds, this drunk, 27-year-old man had sex with me twice. To completion. (Think about it.)
He said he wanted to leave before my roommates got back from the bar, but I looked at him and said, “shh shh shh, lay down and go to sleep.” Which he did, his skin chafing to a deep purple hue against the white, 62-thread count hotel sheets. And this is where I could not lie awake just to hear him breathing. I did want to close my eyes. And I did go to sleep.
When I awoke, he was gone... only his Tag body spray lingered letting me know it had not been a dream.
As all good sex stories go, here’s my roommate’s account!
"We came back to the room at 3 in the morning to find you, very obviously naked, under the covers of your bed with Dan fully clothed, laying on top of the covers. I immediately thought something had gone very, very right… or very, very wrong. We tried to be quiet but at one point I knocked something over and it made a loud noise. Dan shot straight up out of bed and said, "Oh shit. I can't believe I fell asleep. This is so embarrassing." He then said it was nice to meet us and ran out of the room."
I haven't spoken to Tan Man Dan since I last "Shh shh shh"'d him and that's just the way I like it. My mission was complete. I did what I had set out to do.
They say some people will meet their soul mate at a wedding and I think I met mine. Dan has never made me cry or made me turn off Project Runway and I’m pretty sure he wants kids.