Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Multi-Player Game

Scene: New York, night. Glennis walks along a dark ally, alone. Ominous shadows stretch across the slick pavement as she quickens her step. Glennis sees something that looks like a head of cauliflower sitting in the middle of the street. She thinks nothing of it as she walks past; then stops. She looks down.

GLENNIS
Brain?

BRAIN

What?! Who is that!?! Who's there!?!? WHat?!

GLENNIS
Brain? It's me, Glennis! What on Earth are you doing out here in the middle of the ally... in the middle of the night!? And without a jacket? You'll catch your death!

BRAIN

OMG! OMG! I KNOW! What the hell, right?! Wow! Oh man, did you watch House last week? Did you see that crazy disease?!? I hope you don't get that disease!! Ha! Wow! Oh shit it was awesome! What was that. Did you hear that?

GLENNIS
Hear what? I didn't hear anything. Jeez...you are really excited right now, Brain. What's going on? You're not... you're not using again, are you?

BRAIN

WHAT!? Ha! No way! No way am I using! SHIT, no! SHIT SHIT! Shit... yes. Yes, I am. I'm shootin' up again, Glennis. (cry)

GLENNIS
Brain, I thought we talked about this... I thought we were going to lay off the crack so I could get some sleep every once in a...

BRAIN

Oh man I wish you had a puppy! Don't you wish you had a puppy!!!?!

GLENNIS
Yeah! I do! Oh that would be so gre... wait, no! Stop that! We're talking about you cleaning up your shit!

BRAIN

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorny. Ha! I said, "sorny!" Hahaha!! Oh man! Sorny! Did you hear me, Glennis!? Did you!? Did you!? Huh!?! Did you!?! Did you!?!

GLENNIS
BRAIN! STOP THAT!

BRAIN

Whoa... there's no need to yell, Princess.

GLENNIS
Sorry... sorry, I just... wait. Keith David?

BRAIN

That's right. It's me, Keith David. You might remember me as Kirby from "Dead Presidents."

GLENNIS
Whoa. You're awesome. What are you doing in my brain?

BRAIN

Bitch... I AM your brain.

GLENNIS
Right. But what about cracky-crackhead over there?

BRAIN

SUMMER SQUASH!

BRAIN

She's your brain too. I'm just here to keep the peace.

GLENNIS
Well, awesome... that's exactly what I want... PEACE! Thanks so much, Keith David.

BRAIN

Hey, remember that scene from Requiem for a Dream where I hosted a bukake party? Let's think about that for a little bit. Mmmmhmm. Yeah. OK.

GLENNIS
Oh... let's not. I'm really tired and... I'm thinking about a bukake party. Great.

BRAIN

Heh heh heh... yeah you are.

BRAIN

Yo hoo! Glennis! Over here! Look at my baby. Isn't he the cuuuutest? Don't you want one?

GLENNIS
NO! Jesus, no I don't! Seriously, you need to stop that. I can't even remember to take out the trash. I would lose a baby, ok? Do you want that?

BRAIN

Awww... but look how cutie-wootie he is. A-goo! A-goo!!

GLENNIS
Ok, seriously. You're really starting to piss me off... aww... he is really cute. Hehehe. Hi! Baby! Hi! Who's the pretty baby! It's you! Yes it is!

BRAIN

Whoa! Now who's on crack!? Ha! Me! It's still me!

GLENNIS
Ok, seriously you guys. I need to get some sleep. I'm really tired ok?

BRAIN

OK, we understand. Me and the baby. We both understand. But mostly the baaaaaaaby.

BRAIN

Cool. Cool. Right on. My crack high is wearing off. So sick.

BRAIN

Ok, Princess. We'll let you get some sleep now. We still on for some blogging tomorrow?

GLENNIS
Oh sure, of course! You know I couldn't do that without you guys. Thanks, everyone. (yawn) Mmmawmawmaw...I really (yawn) appreciate you guys understanding. Mmmm...goodnight.

Glennis begins to nod off to the beautiful place where REM happens. A place she rarely visits.

BRAIN

Ms. McMurray? Sorry to interrupt but we have a few details to go over.

GLENNIS
MMhuh? Wha? Who da?

BRAIN

I just want to verify that you've taken care of the following things; laundry, unpacking, watering your plant, calling your father, also... you should look into getting another wax cuz we all know it's not waxing itself, and you should probably floss at least once a day, also do you have any ideas on what to eat for breakfast tomorrow morning?

GLENNIS
No, no not yet. Is that it?

BRAIN

Hahaha. Ahem. Hardly. You also need to finish filling out those health forms and you should really audition more. Let's not even get me started on your workout routine. You had bacon for breakfast, right? So by my calculations, uh huh... mkay, you need to do at least 30 minutes of cardio just to burn the bacon off.

GLENNIS
30 minutes?? Just for some bacon??

BRAIN

(Baaarf)

GLENNIS
Did you just... throw up... in me?

BRAIN

Sorry... so... sick... need more crack.

BRAIN

Uhh oh. Better clean that up. I'm gonna add that to your list of things to do. Will you remember that or should I remind you every couple of seconds?

GLENNIS
(sigh) I probably won't remember.

BRAIN

Hey! I got some more crack! Oh man, you know what movie I LOVE? The Sound of Music! Remember that one part that goes, "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd
Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!" Come on, sing with me, everyone!

BRAIN



"Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd, Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!"

Glennis hangs her head in defeat and sings along. She's actually pretty happy about this, since she loves the song, and yet deep down inside she knows she has to get up at 6:30 in the morning and that her singing will only encourage the same behavior tomorrow night.

THE END

6 comments:

Matt Stinton said...

arrgg, I've had nights like this. Tried to use Tylenol PM but it just makes me twich

Kirb said...

I think I know those people!!!

Glennis said...

Kirbdawg, you lived with me... of course you know those people!

Also... you should know that on the back of my t-shirt for the marathon I wrote "Glenn-dawg!"

Jen said...

Promise me you will never, ever become ""normal."

Glennis said...

I think being normal is like being gay. You're either born that way or you're not. Am I right, you guys? Guys? Hello?

Jeffrey Marx said...

You're right. Gay is just like being normal.