Thursday, October 05, 2006

It's a Fuckin' Shame

You know, a few things in life can truly be categorized as a, "Fuckin' Shame." The time I made eyes with a man on the train, a hot man, who came over to talk to me and yet I didn't take off my headphones because I froze. That was an FS. President Bush being elected into office. FS. People using the term, "LOL." Definitely considered an FS.

But I think the thing I can most say about my life that's a Fuckin' Shame is that I decided, at the age of 14, to stop trying.

When I was little I was gifted. I'm talking reading "The Good Earth" at age 10. I'm talking Independent Studies and reports on Marie Curie at age 11. I was fucking smart. I wanted to be a teacher. Did you know that? Well I did. All up to the point when, at the age of 12, I auditioned for a local production of Annie (I know, what a cliche), got a part and consequently got "the bug." The acting bug. From that point on all I could think about was being in shows, acting, dancing even. And oh god yes singing. Singing every chance I got.

Which is all well and good.

Except that at the age of 14 I just decided to stop trying. I was going to be an actress so really, why bother studying? Why bother reading? Why... bother?

And that, my friends, is a real big Fuckin' Shame.

Because I'm not sure that I'd have picked another career path (I sincerely love acting, singing, dancing even) but it would have been nice to have actually read, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" and "Catcher in the Rye" before the age of 22. And it would be especially nice to know where, oh I don't know, the Middle East was. Or how to spell necessary without looking it up every time. Or what an intransitive verb is. But I didn't know that shit because I didn't fucking pay attention. And it's just a real damn fuckin' asshole bitch of a shame.

So here I am at 27 and I've finally realized, once again, that I am smart. And that I like to learn. And that just because I didn't go to college doesn't mean I can't hold my own in a conversation. Besides, don't they always say funny people are smart? So if nothing else then I'm definitely one of those, "If every A is B and every B is C then every A is C." Right? Whatever.

What I do know is I get pretty fuckin angry at myself when I think about how much time I wasted not learning stuff. Not questioning things. Floating through life as some vapid actress. Disgusting. And that's the trouble with our youth! No one questions anything! We're too fucking involved in Lindsay Lohan's shitty life to care about the war! So kids, if you're reading this listen to me: read something.

Here. I just learned this today. Read this:

Did you know that there are a lot of statues in NY with the face and body of the same woman? Her name was Audrey Munson and she was a model, actress and the first woman to appear completely nude in a film. She died in 1996 at the age of 104 but her career ended, sadly, when she was associated with the death of her landlord's wife after he murdered her trying to win Audrey over. Psycho. She was committed to a mental institution at 39 and isn't that all just beautiful and tragic?



No one lives a life like that anymore!

It's just a real Fuckin' Shame, isn't it?

3 comments:

eat said...

Who is Lindsay Lohan...?

Michelle said...

Want to trade spaces for a day? I will all of a sudden have a nice singing voice and do shows at the UCB theater, and you can come learn about dental implants and oral surgery. Hell, I'll even let you bleach someone's teeth. Deal? Haha.

Lynn said...

I would describe you as sharp as a tack. I know it's a cliche, but I would want to use it anyway. Not that you're a cliche, or deserve unoriginal praise. JUST TAKE IT, OK?
Anyway, college doesn't make you smarter. All it really taught me was the word "paradigm", in many different classes.