The Dating Game

Wow, I can't believe I posted that essay. My mom's totes gonna read that you guys. Oh well, can't live in the past. Let's move on.

Since, as I said in the essay, I'm either a serial monogamist or a dirty, dirty man whore, I realized that there's no in between for me. I don't really know how to just "date." So I'm making a set of rules for myself to follow so that when the time does indeed arrive (oh god, please let the time arrive, I'm so lonely! I pretended to trip and fall the other day just so I could lay next to a homeless man for a few minutes. Did I just say that out loud...) for me to "date" someone, I'll be ready.

Step 1:
Stop using quotation marks around the word date. Dating is a real thing, not a "" thing like "disease-free" and "single."

Step 2:
Don't make up cute celebrity-style nicknames for me and my date after 2 hours together. Examples might be: "Glalexander," "Glorman," "Glob," and "Glussell."

Step 3:
Don't tell my date the size of my ring finger. Additionally, don't make a mold of my ring finger out of the leftovers my date intends to take home.

Step 4:
Stop breaking out in tears of joy every time I see a baby and cry, "Oh god! I can't wait!! I can't WAIT!!!!!"

Step 5:
Don't hum the wedding march.

Step 6:
Stop finishing my date's sentences to prove what a strong connection we have. I'm almost never right in my assumption that their sentences will end with, "I want babies."

Step 7:
Stop incessantly talking about babies. (This might be the hardest.)

Step 8:
Don't pay a movie patron to sit near us and comment on what cute babies we'd have.

Step 9:
Don't call his mom to tell her about my day.

Step 10:
Stop winking and saying, "I do!" after every question.

There... I think that's a pretty good start. Of course I have yet to apply these in the real world but it's always nice to have a game plan should you need to play a game. Not that I think dating is a game. I hate games! Know what I love? Babies. I love babies.