This weekend was probably far too much on the "party" end of the spectrum (which is why I'm sitting here sniffling with yet another cold) but damn was it ever worth it.
Friday night was the Halloween party and for weeks I'd been all, "I'm gonna be Mary Tyler Moore, you guys" and then I was all, "I'm gonna be a Golden Girl, y'allz" and then I was all, "You guys, I'm gonna be Suze Orman" but you know what? Those costumes suck. (Except the first two, those I will eventually be at some point in my life providing I can get Liz to dress up as Rhoda or Blanche (cuz I would totes be Rose).
Anyway!
I decided to go a little bit old school and dressed up as a little kid dressed up as a superhero. Which was really a fruitless effort since everyone just called me super girl. Here's some pics from the night, you glesbians.
Secretly, I was a retarded little kid dressed as a superhero but I left my pan (for my head, y'all) at home. This is Carrie. She's a devil in a blue dress. Also... adorable.
This is Marla. She was a woman with her hand attached to her face!
Believe it or not, that all took place before even arriving at the party! "The Party" was a 5-bedroom loft inhabitted by college boys. We knew they were in fact college boys when we saw the refreshments... some sort of "punch" consisting of liquor, beer, kool-aide and...? All encased in a lovely igloo cooler.
Ahhh, college.
While at the party I saw all sorts of sillies.
Hey look! It's Margot and Alison! A superhero, A trekkie and A fairytale. Do you need a jiz towel, boys?
Thing 2 and Thing 1!
A Jewish Pirate!
Daria!
This was my favorite... this guy was dressed as a Nintendo game controller and was hitting on a Box of Wine (you can't see her costume here)! It was true love as soon as their boxes touched. In fact, I was so obsessed with it I kept "posing" to get more pictures of them talking.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
We Want Some Box Babies!
Alas, no kiss was captured by my camera. Ah well.
They had a costume contest at the party and Ralphie came in first place.
Although we all thought Johnnie should have won.
Seriously, his costume was so creepily good.
Someone randomly had a Superman mask for me. I was complete.
And then I got really, really drunk.
So, as you can see, class... this is the way to spend your Halloween. This was the best Halloweener I've had in a long time.
Tomorrow I recount my Saturday night spent at the Roxy or "How I met every gay in Manhattan in one, sweaty room!"
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One more thing...
The woman who job-shares with me has taped another fortune (from a cookie) on our filing cabinet. The first one, as you'll remember, said, "You are never bitter, deceptive or petty :)" (yes... there was a smiley face and NO... that is not a fortune). This new one says, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten." My question is... did she really find these things so profound she had to tape them up for her eyes to gaze upon daily? Or has she only eaten Chinese food twice at work?
Those are silly fortunes. Maybe she loves them, though. Now I feel bad.
Today's another of those, "I haven't thought of a good blog entry so I'll just talk about a bunch of stuff no one cares about" posts. Why do you read this dribble, people??
First. You know that commercial where the people are sitting in France blehblehblehing in French at a table and a disgusting lump of hair and water falls on the table? Whatever that product is... the drain pusher thing... I used that last night on my sink which was backed up and disgusting. AND IT WORKED! I stood there for a second staring at my clean, empty sink and I thought, "I really dowonder where it goes..." Then I turned around and got my answer. It goes into my bathtub. Hooray!! Gross.
Second. My friend Brendon sent me a hilarious picture of us that he submitted to www.myheritage.com where you upload a picture and it tells you which celebrities you look like. I did it for me and my crazy San Fran grampy and I'm dying, you guys. Look what it came up with:
So funny. Grampa looks like Tarja Turunen (whoever that is). And I look like Christina Ricci? Really? Ehn. The one my friend did was a little more accurate. Try it out! Let me know who comes up for you!
I am finally going to post something I've been talking about for years. This is a woman's desk in my office. I call her "cat lady" (original) because she has 2 cats but about 20 framed pictures of them (along with a framed picture of everyone else in the world she knows plus I think a few world leaders) on her desk. We know how much work she gets done, yes?
Tonight I'm going to Hell House which makes me giddy. I'm not sure if everyone knows what it is so you can read about it here. (That's my talented friend Julie Klausner in the picture as "Abortion Girl.")
I'm sure I'll have a full update tomorrow for you guys when I'm sitting at home waiting for... my new couch to be delivered!!
One last thing. I think this picture of me finishing the 1/2 marathon really just sums me up perfectly, don't you think?
Scene: New York, night. Glennis walks along a dark ally, alone. Ominous shadows stretch across the slick pavement as she quickens her step. Glennis sees something that looks like a head of cauliflower sitting in the middle of the street. She thinks nothing of it as she walks past; then stops. She looks down.
GLENNIS Brain?
BRAIN What?! Who is that!?! Who's there!?!? WHat?!
GLENNIS Brain? It's me, Glennis! What on Earth are you doing out here in the middle of the ally... in the middle of the night!? And without a jacket? You'll catch your death!
BRAIN OMG! OMG! I KNOW! What the hell, right?! Wow! Oh man, did you watch House last week? Did you see that crazy disease?!? I hope you don't get that disease!! Ha! Wow! Oh shit it was awesome! What was that. Did you hear that?
GLENNIS Hear what? I didn't hear anything. Jeez...you are really excited right now, Brain. What's going on? You're not... you're not using again, are you?
BRAIN WHAT!? Ha! No way! No way am I using! SHIT, no! SHIT SHIT! Shit... yes. Yes, I am. I'm shootin' up again, Glennis. (cry)
GLENNIS Brain, I thought we talked about this... I thought we were going to lay off the crack so I could get some sleep every once in a...
BRAIN Oh man I wish you had a puppy! Don't you wish you had a puppy!!!?!
GLENNIS Yeah! I do! Oh that would be so gre... wait, no! Stop that! We're talking about you cleaning up your shit!
BRAIN I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorny. Ha! I said, "sorny!" Hahaha!! Oh man! Sorny! Did you hear me, Glennis!? Did you!? Did you!? Huh!?! Did you!?! Did you!?!
GLENNIS BRAIN! STOP THAT!
BRAIN Whoa... there's no need to yell, Princess.
GLENNIS Sorry... sorry, I just... wait. Keith David?
BRAIN That's right. It's me, Keith David. You might remember me as Kirby from "Dead Presidents."
GLENNIS Whoa. You're awesome. What are you doing in my brain?
BRAIN Bitch... I AM your brain.
GLENNIS Right. But what about cracky-crackhead over there?
BRAIN SUMMER SQUASH!
BRAIN She's your brain too. I'm just here to keep the peace.
GLENNIS Well, awesome... that's exactly what I want... PEACE! Thanks so much, Keith David.
BRAIN Hey, remember that scene from Requiem for a Dream where I hosted a bukake party? Let's think about that for a little bit. Mmmmhmm. Yeah. OK.
GLENNIS Oh... let's not. I'm really tired and... I'm thinking about a bukake party. Great.
BRAIN Heh heh heh... yeah you are.
BRAIN Yo hoo! Glennis! Over here! Look at my baby. Isn't he the cuuuutest? Don't you want one?
GLENNIS NO! Jesus, no I don't! Seriously, you need to stop that. I can't even remember to take out the trash. I would lose a baby, ok? Do you want that?
BRAIN Awww... but look how cutie-wootie he is. A-goo! A-goo!!
GLENNIS Ok, seriously. You're really starting to piss me off... aww... he is really cute. Hehehe. Hi! Baby! Hi! Who's the pretty baby! It's you! Yes it is!
BRAIN Whoa! Now who's on crack!? Ha! Me! It's still me!
GLENNIS Ok, seriously you guys. I need to get some sleep. I'm really tired ok?
BRAIN OK, we understand. Me and the baby. We both understand. But mostly the baaaaaaaby.
BRAIN Cool. Cool. Right on. My crack high is wearing off. So sick.
BRAIN Ok, Princess. We'll let you get some sleep now. We still on for some blogging tomorrow?
GLENNIS Oh sure, of course! You know I couldn't do that without you guys. Thanks, everyone. (yawn) Mmmawmawmaw...I really (yawn) appreciate you guys understanding. Mmmm...goodnight.
Glennis begins to nod off to the beautiful place where REM happens. A place she rarely visits.
BRAIN Ms. McMurray? Sorry to interrupt but we have a few details to go over.
GLENNIS MMhuh? Wha? Who da?
BRAIN I just want to verify that you've taken care of the following things; laundry, unpacking, watering your plant, calling your father, also... you should look into getting another wax cuz we all know it's not waxing itself, and you should probably floss at least once a day, also do you have any ideas on what to eat for breakfast tomorrow morning?
GLENNIS No, no not yet. Is that it?
BRAIN Hahaha. Ahem. Hardly. You also need to finish filling out those health forms and you should really audition more. Let's not even get me started on your workout routine. You had bacon for breakfast, right? So by my calculations, uh huh... mkay, you need to do at least 30 minutes of cardio just to burn the bacon off.
GLENNIS 30 minutes?? Just for some bacon??
BRAIN (Baaarf)
GLENNIS Did you just... throw up... in me?
BRAIN Sorry... so... sick... need more crack.
BRAIN Uhh oh. Better clean that up. I'm gonna add that to your list of things to do. Will you remember that or should I remind you every couple of seconds?
GLENNIS (sigh) I probably won't remember.
BRAIN Hey! I got some more crack! Oh man, you know what movie I LOVE? The Sound of Music! Remember that one part that goes, "High on a hill was a lonely goatherd Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo!" Come on, sing with me, everyone!
BRAIN "Loud was the voice of the lonely goatherd, Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!"
Glennis hangs her head in defeat and sings along. She's actually pretty happy about this, since she loves the song, and yet deep down inside she knows she has to get up at 6:30 in the morning and that her singing will only encourage the same behavior tomorrow night.
Well people, it finally happened! All those months and we finally ran our 1/2 and full marathons. What an amazing weekend it was!
Before I start I thought of the way I want to die. I want to be in front of a large group of people telling the best joke or story of all time. I mean the FUNNIEST thing you guys have ever heard (the large group of people will obvsies be you guys) and then after I've finished, and you've all laughed so hard you can't breath... I shoot myself in the head.
See, it works on two levels. 1) I'll never be able to top myself and 2) whenever you tell the story of my death you'll undoubtedly have to tell the joke which will be so awkward because, as I mentioned, it will be the funniest joke/story of all time. So you'll be stifling a laugh while talking about me blowing my brains out. I just have to find the funniest joke/story ever told. I guess if you wanted me dead you could help me out there, guys.
This also poses the problem that I'll have to carry a gun around with me at all times. But I honestly can't think of a better way to die so I think it's worth it.
NOW! On with the post!
Our San Fran journey (ha! Journey! City by the bay! I'm starting off on a great foot! You'll hear that joke 12 more times before this post is over) begins on Friday at 3:30 am. For that, you see dear readers, is when I had to get up to leave for the airport. I ask you, who planned this flight? Team in Training, that's who. They apparently think leaving at 6:45am from NEWARK (fuuuuuck yooooou) is awesome. And, well, it kinda was. But only because I had Spo and Hammy along for the ride.
Hammy. Spo. Know them. Love them.
Good morning, Newark!
I may look awake in that picture but I assure you, I have never been more tired. Because I was afraid I wouldn't sleep at all on Thursday night, I took a Nyquil at 8pm which totes helped me out. I woke up feeling ok but once seated in that tiny seat on the United plane I had trouble even holding my head up and passed out faster than a baby on a tit. (new phrase! Oh also, I have new slang for you guys! Hammy introduced me to it. "TREATED" Like, instead of "faced" you say "treated." Try it out and let me know how you like it.) Anyway...I missed the food service but woke up just in time to see the movie, "The Lake House" which I'd missed when it was in theatres. Wait, why did I miss that movie? I can't remember. Oh right. Because I don't pay $10 for crap. Ok, so the movie wasn't that bad. I actually cried. What.
ANYjohnWAYnegacy...
We arrive in San Fran and it's just gorg. Even more beautiful than I remember it. Team in Training booked us at the Hilton and oowee is it ever nice! I got to room with Hammy, Spo got her own room and, after we all check in, we went to my Uncle Vito's place to get some pasta.
Yep. I even photographed the pasta. I guess that's just how I roll.
And even though we were DEAD tired, we had to go pick up our race packs so we headed over to my new favorite city... NikeTown, USA! And lookie here... they had our names up on the wall just like we were killed in Vietnam! (is that joke in poor taste? I thought better of using a 9/11 reference.)
Well, I'll tell you guys what. At that point I had just about had it with all this "being awake" bull crap so we retired to our hotel rooms where we all took nice, long naps. Then we woke up and went to China Town, San Fran! Which has all the same crap China Town, NY has except it's a little bit nicer and a whole lot hillier!
[Place holder for awesome picture of me riding a lion from Spo's camera]
Then we went to sleep. Awww. We're cute when we sleep.
The next day I ran into my grandpa! Grandpappy... what are you doing working out here in San Fran! You silly old kook.
Grandpa has to pay the bills, guys
We had a team pasta party which, if you weren't a part of TNT, cost $38 to go to! That food was NOT worth $38, let's just start there, Team in Training... which we redub TIT since that's obvs the right acronym. Regardless of the shitty pasta dinner, we held it together and managed to take yet another adorbs pic.
I love that Nike Marathon sweatshirt. $50, bitches.
We went to bed early that night, cuz dudes we had to run the next day, but not before taking a few more pics.
I smell a hotel chain in my future.
Our view from the hotel room! I was naked when I took this picture. (Does that make it less boring?)
FINALLY... THE BIG DAY.
Sunday morning we woke up at 4:00am. We had to be downstairs by 5:30 and had to dress and eat, and I think our nerves were in play. I could NOT fall asleep the night before (big surprise) and had dreams about being in an almost empty pool that they (who?) were trying to drain but there were surf boards floating around that blocked up the drain. Or wait... was that the dream about frogs falling from the sky. I had a dream about frogs falling and trying to get them out of my house. I can't remember. It doesn't matter, Glennis! They want to hear about the run!
Here are a few pics of us waiting around before the run. I think we look pretty effin confident.
I made Spo lift up her shirt. She's not a perv. Well, she is... but for other reasons.
Here's an adorable pre-race interview with Spo and Hammy I took.
You guys, they ran 26.2 miles almost immediately after this video was taken. I don't know how they did it. They're kind of my heroes.
I couldn't carry my camera on the race since I forgot a fanny pack and NikesTown was totes sold out of them, but can I just tell you that it was the most gorgeous run/walk I've been on... maybe ever.
It started in Union square and headed over to Fisherman's Warf. By the time I got over there the sun was rising and it was the perfect morning. I decided, even though I couldn't wear the inserts and even though I knew it wasn't a great idea, to run as far as I could. Basically run myself into the ground. It's really hard for me to walk when people around me around running. It feels like giving up and I hate that feeling. So I ran. I ran slowly and paced myself and when I could see the Golden Gate Bridge I was feeling ok. It was covered in fog and the sun was gleaming off and I started to tear up it was so beautiful. Which would have made for a great moment, had I not had sunscreen all over my face which was now in my eyes. Oh god! My eyes! Burning! Someone get a medic! Then I just wiped it away and I was fine and I kept on a-runnin. I got to mile 5 and I was doin great! Mile 6... feelin good! At mile 7 on the little map they give us it says the elevation goes from 25' to 205'. And yet, the coaches of TNT said there were NOT MANY HILLs. Ok. Fine. No many hills... Just one big FUCKER of a hill. And yet, with the bridge to my right and the sun shining through the trees and the mist... it was like the best thing ever. I'm so eloquent.
So after the hill I was ok, ran a bit more, but by mile 8 I was hurtin. And then, because I saw one of my coaches and he said, "you look amazing!" I pushed myself more, by mile 9 I was limping a little. But I wasn't taking that crap. I was like, "Screw you gimp legs! I'm doing this shit!" And by the time I got to mile 11 I was full on dragging my gimpy behind me. I was in MAJOR pain. Shooting pain up my side every time I stepped on my hip the wrong way. But I kept going and people in the crowd yelled "go NY!" which I loved (which I'd had my name on the FRONT of my shirt) and they sang my theme song: “It’s Hard Out Here For a Gimp.” And you guys, I made it across the finish line in only 3 1/2 hours! Wee!! It felt SO awesome!! The San Fran fired dept. stood in tuxes to hand us our Tiffany's necklaces (yes for REAL) which look like little silver medals with a woman running on them. I'm wearing it today so people will talk to me about it. So far it's not working.
Anyway... I have to say the best part of the race was no, not finishing and no, not the necklace. The best part was when I was sitting in the TNT tent, ice on my bones, and I see Spo walking with the "tin foil" blanket around her looking around a little lost and completely exhausted and I yell out, "SPO!!" and she sees me and comes over and we hug and cry. It was awesome. I didn't see Hammy or Spo finish the marathon (but they both did. the whole 26.2 miles!) because I was gimpy mcgimperson and a bit disoriented but they both did AMAZINGLY well.
Here are a few pics of us soaking up the post-marathon cha-ching-bla-blow-how-you-like-me-now-bitch, rays.
Ta
Fuckin
Daaahw
We tried to be awesome and stay out late drinking after the "celebration" party (which basically consisted of people from Minnesota and Delaware dancing at the front of the ballroom to "Hey Ya!" as if it was the first time they'd heard it and shitty Tex/Mex... hey, when did I become so pessimistic, you guys?) by going to this really nice bar at the top of the Drake hotel. We roll in there in our sweats and it's a black tie affair. But you know what guys? That's just find with us. We got ourselves a table by the window and some sweet beers. Cuz that's how WE do it. Then I invented (questionable) the best new game of my life. Basically, there were three people sitting next to our table candidly talking about this guy's (at the table) divorce. We all heard it. So I say to our table, "So you guys it looks like my dad is being convicted for killing my mom. And I have to testify in court when I get back." and well... it goes from there. Oh the stories we told! Hammy is the best because she can keep a straight face. I think my favorite story of our trip was Spo telling me, on the bus to the airport where we were sure people could hear, about her dog, "Knuckles" committing suicide by electrocution. So fun.
So I guess that's about all I have to write today on this LONGEST POST OF ALL TIME. I just got yelled at for my "lack of concentration" at work so I better go. Do work. Since I can't IM. (kill me, please. wait... wait till i have a really good joke to tell first.)
Here are a few more pics.
There was a convention in town at the same time for some system called Oracle. Apparently a lot of people died when Oracle hit the WTC, too. So we prayed for them. Was THAT in bad taste? I don't know any more.
