Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Oh man you guys, I had a fun Saturday night. I mean it started out as a shitty night when 1st I realized I'd left my ATM card in a Greenpoint, Brooklyn ATM and then went to send a package to LA and spent $45. $45!!? To send a DVD!? Come on now. That is retar...

Uh ecuthe me. Mith? Ecuuthe meee.

What? Who is that? Who's there?

Down heeere! It ith me! The tequeeeela wurm.

Oh my goodness! Look at you! Well don't you look delicious. (licking lips)

Pleathe don't eat meee! Eeee!

Oh no no no... relax. It was just a joke... Mr... What's your name?


The more?

Theeeeemoore. Themore. Themore!

Themore? Themore...what the...OH! Seymour! Like that song! "Lift up your head, wash off your mascara..."

"...here take my teeshoo wash that leepthtick away..."

Perfect! See? I would never eat someone who can sing Suddenly Seymour with me.

Weeell. I mean you are a big dreenker.

Um...sorry? I thought for a second you called me a big drinker while LIVING IN A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA. I mean... seriously.

I gueth you are riyeet. And leethen... I don't want to fiyeet weeth you. I came here to ask you a favor.

A favor? After you just called me a functioning alcoholic?

Eyeee never thaid functioning.

Watch it or I'll throw you and your home right out the window!

Don't you want to drink my home?


Not even a leeeetle?

I mean maybe a li... NO! Ack... get out of here with that bullcrap!

(Bends down to pick up bottle)

Wayeet! Ayee am tho thorry. Pleaaathe don't throw me out the weendow. I need your help to get to Mexeeco to thee me madre!

Your... your mom? What's wrong with your mom?

She eeth tho thick. Tho tho thick.

Oh no! A sick mother? I mean I'll do what I can, Seymour. What can I do?

Thwallow me... but don't chew!

And take you to Mexico... in my stomach? That's... kinda gross.

Ayee underthtand. Ayyyyy my poor poor MADRE!

OK Ok ok... I will swallow you. Just... just don't tell anyone I did this. It's kinda weird. (sigh) Ok jump on out of that bottle.

Oh no you have to thwallow the entire bottle. I need tequilla to thurvive!

Wait what. Is this a trick? If I swallow that entire bottle of tequila I will be so super drun... ok it's a deal.

Wow. Glenneeth. That eeth tho thad. Tho tho thad.

NO. Stop it! I was just trying to help you! Don't you dare say I will do anything to drink!

Oh Glenneeth. Aye don't know what to thayee. It'th tho thad.

Oh my god, you know what? Scew you guys. Screw all of you.

All of uth?

Yeah. You, that Russian Rabbit who showed up last week telling me if I drank his vodka I'd... there... was no Russian Rabbit, was there.

No. No there wath noyeet.

Jesus. This really is sad isn't it. I really do have a problem. I just love alcohol so much! It just makes life so much better!




Tequila worm?


Seymour? S...Suddenly Seymour?

(Looks down to find an empty bottle of tequila)

Oh not again. I'm going back to bed.


And on that note I bid you all a fond farewell for I leave tomorrow for MEXICO! That's right, 4 days 5 nights in Playa del Carmen with Player del Carrie Faverty. Expect a lot of crazy stories, as this is indeed going to be a drunk-cation, and wonderful pictures like this:

And when I get back, internet net or not, I will find a way to post from work. Hear me now.

Have a great week!




Carolyn said...

GIRL! I wish I could be there with you crazy bitches. Ride a donkey for me!

matt said...

How did you get Penelope Cruz to guest star on your blog?