Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's ON




Oh Sniffie Dickler you have DONE IT THIS TIME.

Ok I have to calm down people. I am all RILED UP!

Last night Kellie Pickler proved that she could stand up on stage and kill baby deer (i believe they're called fawn) and as long as she said, "oops! i'm SAAAARRY!! I'm SAAAARRY Y'all!!" when the judges snarked at her, America would vote her through.


I mean I'm not really surprised that America loves the dumbest contestant, considering who our president is (oh yes I did), but COME ON. THE CHICK can't even sing! She is vapid and dead behind the eyes when performing and not an ounce of passion... and can I just reiterate...


Ok now that was bad enough (I watched Tuesday's episode last night), but then the elimination episode comes on. And I don't even know what to say. My Katharine McPhee is in the BOTTOM TWO. WHAT the mother loving god is going ON HERE?!

I'm telling you this right now. If Kellie "Nose" Pickler wins I will boycott the entire American Idol institution.

I'm sure I'll make a HUGE impact.

Also, someone asked me if I was actually VOTING. Come on... I HAVE A LIFE!

Oh yeah and I'm sad Lisa left but come on... the girl is 16. She's got like 4 more years until she's too old to do anything with her life. (sob)

Now let's recap what I hate about each contestant and we'll conclude this American Idol slam fest:

EWWWWW. Seriously, this is the kind of guy who in high school would get drunk at a party and find you (the only girl there without vomit in her hair) and be all, "wow you are so beautiful and I think I'm falling in love" and then he'd sleep with you and never call you. TELL ME I'M WRONG.

Aww, Bucky I have nothing against you. You share a name with one of my favorite friends! But seriously, the fact that there is another dude out there that shares the exact same face creeps me out a little bit. For some reason I start thinking about X-Files.

Chris. Oh Chris! You had me at "put my music career on hold to marry the woman I love and adopt and raise her two kids from another man." And then you sang CREED.

Elliot, I have nothing bad to say about you! I mean once you have a little time and cash I'm sure you'll get those teeth fixed. And now that I think about it, I think you are a very underrated performer. You've got this whole Justin Timbalake thing going on and me likey. Now that I think about it... Elliot might just win this thing.

Oh Katharine. OOOOOH Katharine. I realize her song wasn't the best on Tuesday (she sang "The Voice Within" originally sung by Christina Aguilera) but come on... she sounded pretty darn good! I mean Christina is amazing, so there's really no topping that, but she was pretty good. Next week is Country... come ON Katharine, do it up!! She should sing, "Broken Wing" by Martina McBride... although I'm pretty sure Carrie Underwood sang that last year. Oh my god, I'm such a nerd.

Here's the thing about Kellie. If I met her in real life I'd probably like her. She seems nice and, assuming I met her before the show got to her and effed her all up, I'm pretty sure I'd be like 'mmmkay, not my favorite person but she's an ok gal.' But here's the other thing. She sang SUDS IN THE BUCKET.

I'm on the fence with this one. She kinda lost me last night with her Jesus song. But I really honestly think anyone who can break through the tiny young cute mold on a national television show deserves respect. Especially with all the effed up girls there are out there when it comes to weight. But honestly, she should not wear those pants she wore last night. The girl looked about 10 times bigger than she probably is. And now I feel like shit for saying that. And another thing, I had a long conversation with my friend Colleen about this over dinner.... would America love her as much if she wasn't that big? She's completely non-threatening... as is Pickler (because of her moron thing) and I honestly think that's why America likes them. Thoughts?

I think Paris is INSANELY talented and she's only 17. But not my favorite. I'm not sure what will get this girl kicked off the show so I think she's a strong contender.

Taylor sometimes looks like he's mildly retarded when he's singing and like he has to poop. But other than that he's great!

So there you have it. The only American Idol opinions that matter. If you don't agree with me, beat it.

Also, I'd like to start a new tradition at the end of my posts where I post the songs I'm freedying at the moment. (I don't want that slang to die out!)

Freedying: Ya Mama by Pharcyde

Have a great day!


Kdiggy said...

HA! I knew you would be crapping your pants at the final two last night. I agree whole-heartedly with your analysis - except I REALLY don't like Bucky! (the amercian idol one of course - not our Buckaloo)

harlemsnowflake said...

I don't know you, but I am also really into AI. I just read your post about the final 9 and I'm peeing my pants.... You are right on!
1)I almost puked when Ace pulled his shirt open to show his scar
2)Bucky, hmmm. I do think Simon's right and he's a bit karaoke. Also he usually sounds clueless when he's singing.
3)Mandisa, amazing voice, but sometimes screams a bit a la gospel...not very pop-oriented at all. Pants are bad news.
4)Elliot's teeth kill me every time he sings a long note and tilts his head back. Sometimes I look away from the screen, b/c I feel so shallow, and his voice is great. I like the facial hair.
5)Katharine is the bomb. Bottom two is outrageous. She sometimes looks like she's making out with the camera though, and that's a bit too much for me.
6)Paris has an AMAZING singing voice. But when she SPEAKS, I almost go into epileptic seizures. I HATE her squeeky speaking voice. Is it for real? Thaaank Yeeewwww. Eeeww!
7)Kelly Hick Pickler. Now, what the hell is wrong with America that they can't see this little "I'm so dumb-but-cute" game? Are these the same people who voted for Bush? I'm so confused.
8)Chris was a favorite of mine until this last show too. I still like him, but c'mon, CREED?
9)Taylor was another favorite. I'm annoted that Simon said he looks like Clay - NOT TRUE. He is one of the only performers who seems actually comfortable onstage while he performs, and I give him props for that.

That's my take. I'll see you next week!

Glennis said...

OMG I almost totally forgot about him pulling his shirt to expose his scar (probably because I just say EWWWW! the whole time he's performing) but you are SO right! EW! Another tactict to get us in bed with him. It will not work Ace. YOU HEAR US?? (unless he's working on Paula... then it will work. Cuz she wants to hear ALL ABOUT HIS SCAR sometime. Rrrreow she's so horny!)