Birth Announcement

As it has been written before and so shall be written now, Glennis loves to equate new things with the birth of a shiny new baby.

And so it shall be again.

Please welcome into this frightening, overpriced world, a new bundle of joy.

www.glennisandliz.com

Awww... she just spit up on you.

Sign the guestbook, especially if you've seen "Celebutantes" or "Santa Babies."

Love,

Proud mama Glennis

You Win Some, You Lose Some

I don't want you to get too excited by me posting twice in the same day, that definitely will NOT be the norm... but I heard a story I just had to share.

My friend Consuela* wrote me today, just checking in, and had this AWESOME story to share.

I went on the worst date of my life on Friday with a brother of a friend named Jeff Henry**. Glennis, this guy (besides being... well totally unatractive shall we say) was the most awkward conversationalist I've ever met. He kept doing these [hilarious comedian] impressions that were not funny. As bad as you can imagine it to be-it was worse. For 3 of the longest coffee house hours of my life.

Ok, at this point I know you are, as I was, probably thinking, "Wow, lay off the poor dude. He's just trying to be like [hilarious comedian] because he is socially awkward and your beauty really gives him the humina-huminas.

Ah yes... then read on.

He called me a few days after the date and I hadn't called him back (not really planning on it).

But my luck being what it is, as I was at a different coffee shop telling my friends about the horror date last night-he walks in! I pretend not to see him, but I know he saw me doing [impressions of his terrible hilarious comedian impressions].

And here's the icing.

So, this morning when I wake up and go outside... toilet paper as far as the eye can see.

Dear readers,

I, like Oprah, tell these incredible stories not for ratings, but in the hope that we can save others out there facing the same terrible situations.

So, to all you ladies in [annonymous Southern state]...

BEWARE!!


*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**Names have been changed to protect the douchey.

Adam, no... not here.

The Longest Yard
Originally uploaded by glennism.

Listen Adam, you know I have feelings for you too... it's just... wait, let me finish.

Geeeeez. Don't give me that look. It's too much!

Yeah, I know... I have fun making up punny names for your movies too... hehehe, yeah "Slappy Dick More" was a good one.

But really! This has got to stop. We haven't gone on a date once without your entire "crew" tagging along. I mean, do you even know that guy in the back? I think he works here.

Shhh... no words. Just turn, and go.

Oh Adam, one more thing before you leave. Can I get my mix CD back? I know it's silly, it just had a lot of good songs and my iTunes is on the frit... Adam? Adam!?

Oooooh sweet Adam.

Batten down the Hatches!

Batten down the Hatches!
Originally uploaded by glennism.

Watch out all you single ladies and germs, because today is the official start to Fleet Week! These boys have been stickin' their bing bongs in sponges for the past few months and need human contact!

With their bing bongs!

Glennis wonders: how do they keep their underarms SO WHITE!?

Watchin' With Glennis - Oprah, 5/23

Good lord.

Oh christ.

Please tell me you saw yesterday's Oprah.

You didn't? Then please read on, dear reader. Good LORD read on.

(Spoilers!)

Ok so first of all you know who the guest was, right? No!? What's going on, I thought we agreed to be die hard O fans!? Ok, I'll let it slide THIS TIME.
So, Oh man... the guest was Tom Cruise! There to talk about (Katie Holmes) War of the Worlds!

You guys, I don't know what is going on. Tom Cruise has lost it. He acted like the biggest bag of nuts I've ever seen. I mean, for reelz, I've never EVER seen anyone profess their undying love for someone like that. I mean, I LOVE my boyfriend... but this was... well, it was creepy. It was so creepy and unreal and disgusting that I found myself watching with a look of disgust I usually reserve for anything Mary Kay/Villi related. I'd like to highlight a few choice moments from the show.

Point of disgust #1:
"I'm IN LOVE!!" Tom screams like a schoolgirl as HE JUMPS UP on Oprah's yellow couch. He then procedes to kneel down 5-6, count them... FIVE TO SIX times to give a hell yes arm thrust. Time. After. Time. It never got old to him. This was the most awesome way he could show this AWESOME love he has for the AWESOME Katie Holmes.

POD #2:
Oprah asks Tom, "How did this happen? Where did you two meet???" Tom's response was just a bunch of girlish giggles. Oprah had to ask him 7 or 8 times until she was finally forced to stop the bull and just say, "No SERIOUSLY... where did you meet?"
I'll tell you where they met. Tom's male "friend" (a.k.a His Lovaaaah) got the short end of some stick (heh heh) and threatened to call the press on their REAL undying love. As his lovaaah swung his finely manicured fist declaring his plan to bring down Tom, Inc., Tommy boy realized he needed a new "flame" just in case this did leak out. He then spotted the cover of GIANT Magazine, adorned by our lovely heroin, Miss Katie Holmes. Ding! Bingo! Spot. On.

And then he bought her.

POD #3:
Women. WOMEN. Come on. It's Tom Cruise, yes. But did you have to, "AWWW!!" and "OOOH!!" every time he said one FUCKING thing about KH? COME ON. Get lives. Really.

POD #4:
Tom saying he'd never felt this way before. This was amazing, this love. Sorry Nic. Ouch.

POD #5:
Tom saying he admired Katie's "body of work." Really? What was it you admired, Tom? It couldn't have been Dawson's Creek could it? Or perhaps First Daughter? Tom, please.

POD #6:
Katie's mouth herpies (again). MAKEUP, KATIE. MAKEUP! And a tag on with this: The audience chanting "Katie! KATIE! KATIE!" to get her out on stage. Prompted by Oprah. Calm down, O. We get it. You have celebrity best friends. Chill.

So many levels of disgust

Really the show was just a disgrace from beginning to end. I sincerely hope you didn't miss it. But if you did, please call me, you can come over, we'll pop some popcorn and judge together.

Mitchum? I hardly new'em.

Mitchum Ad
Originally uploaded by glennism.

Mitchum.
Deodorant for douchebags.

Caption Contest

glennis and coop
Originally uploaded by glennism.

Name this photo and win a prize!*

*I absolutely realize that by posting this I'm just asking for a broadcast of how few readers I have. Also there is no prize.

Everybody Plays the Blues

I'm sitting at work scared to death to tell my boss I need to leave at 3:00. My back aches because I'm tired like the wolf and my brain is having trouble. putting full. sentences; together.

What the fuck am I doing!? I'm killing myself. This job is awesome in so far as the days are great (3 a week), the pay is greater, the vacation days are glorious, and the internet and supplies run abundant.

But at what price?

And so I come to you, dear reader (however few you may be at this baby blogger stage). Should I stay or should I go, now?

And now, on to other, less "I liked your whine more when it was featured in Sideways" related news.

A Super Short Movie Review of "Kicking & Screaming" in 10 words or less:
Coffee? Really? Really. I mean... really? OK. You're the director.

Last night was the UCB's "Sith & The City" show featuring all Star Wars related humor. Highlights of the evening included the always hilarious Paul Scheer as Darth Vadar and Owen Burke as his kid brother Kevin Vadar and me as the green alien in the cantina band. If you missed this show, well I don't know what to say... you call yourself a true Star Wars fan? I'm talking to you, Luke.

Re: Job... I might have to DO something. It might make headlines. Or at least Bloglines.

Later today I will be holding my very own photo caption contest. Stay tuned.

New segments...

To up the Blogsomeness of my... um Blog... I'm going to introduce a few new segments. The first is called, "Watchin' w/ Glennis" in which I update you on shows you might have missed the night before. You'll get all the fresh content of your regular programming, but with the opinions of your favorite blondie; Glennis!

As an added bonus you'll get my "Super Short Movie Roundup" in which I'll use 10 words or less to sum up a movie currently playing in theaters.

The next segment is called, "Who Cares." In this segment I'll talk about something that had gotten a lot of attention lately, such as the Runaway Bride case, and then I'll say "who cares" to get my point across.

This next segment is really exciting for me. It's called, "Passive Aggressive Pam." In this segment I'll say something really rude about someone I know or something they're doing that pisses me off but in a passive aggresive way on my Blog because I'm too yeller to say it to their face. This segment will make absolutely no sense to anyone but me.

I'll also be highlighting certain comedy & theatre shows that you should check out or comedians that are hilarious and up and coming. This segment will only include stuff about me.

Dear readers, have a tremendously enjoyable day and please feel free to write with sleep tips, sleep doctors, sleeping pills and remedies of the sort.

Thank you!

Glennis

Hack! Hack! Sniff. Ah. Hm.

1:40 and I'm still awake. And coughing. It's Friday night and I stayed in so I could get some rest and I'm awake. But I did find something that will help me go to sleep and it's a Thunderstorm CD. Don't laugh... I know it sounds retahtah but really it's good! Thunderstorms make me feel comfy cozey and safe. And they make me think of fainting because one time when I was younger, I was at my friend's house and there was a thunderstorm outside. One second I was standing in her kitchen, the next I'm laying on her couch with her mom sitting next to me stroking my head. I'd fainted on her nice red clay tiles. So this CD helps me relax and puts me to sleep but I have dreams of being an awkward 12 year old fainter.

Time for the CD. Come to me thunder, lighting, sleep. Coooooome to me.

Celebutantes

After the premiere of the run of our new sketch show, Celebutantes, Liz Black and I did not go for drinks, nor did we do lines of cocaine of each other's taut hineys. No, we each headed home in cabs to our respective neighborhoods to get a full night's sleep so our fans would not see us as anything less than perfect today (take a note, Katie Holmes!).


Or... did we?

I, last night, took a cab up to 49th street & 6th Ave to say hello to my beau whom I haven't seen in quite a few hours. At least a day or two. No beer was had but I do have a cold and I DID take the day off work (I feel much worse in the AM, what can I say) so I probably should have gone home to sleep.

I did eventually get home. But I did not sleep. This was the worst night of insomnia by FAR. I didn't sleep. At all. I don't think it's ever been that bad. I pretty much resigned myself to watching the shows I'd Tivo'd when I was still not asleep at 4:30 am. Lost was great, American Idol is retahded, America's Next Top Model: hot.

5:30 rolled around and I thought I might as well use the time before me to upload our video from Celebutantes onto my computer (bee tee dubs... it looks sweet) and catch up on the goings on around NY. Apparently someone thought it would be cute to set off two grenades around my work neck of the woods at 3:50 am. And New Yorkers looking to quit smoking can call 311 this morning (after 9 am) to receive a 6-week pack of nicotine patches, kindly donated by Pfizer. I don't trust that... what's your deal, Pfizer? It was something like the first 45,000 people to call get them. What gives?

Also, I've made a decision. It's about the West Side Stadium. I'm against it. Here's why: New York is crazy e-fuckin-nough in the summer without the Olympics in town. Maybe I'm just against that. NY might sink!

Speaking of sinks, I had a great cookie from this little place in Chelsea Market called the kitchen sink cookie.

And I am so friggin tired it's bananas!!!!

Idol on Fawx

I watch American Idol on Tivo because I'm usually too busy becoming a staaaah (papa!) to watch it at home. And Anthony Fedorov, I have one thing to say to you. I fast forward through all of your songs. Brotha, you just plain creep me out. I can't stop looking at your neck hole. And I can't help but think that people are voting for you because you pulled the "doctors thought I was never going to be able to speak" card. It doesn't get me. Legless kitties, blind babies, birds without wings... you got my vote. Anthony Federov? Beat it.

Also, I love how they pimped Scott up like they did little Jonathan Lipnicky. Sooo cuuuuuuute! He went from a waterin' hole to a pimp cup. And Aaaaah love it.

But really, the competition can stop right now. Vonzell's takin' it home. All the way. That girl can blow.

Quel est un GLESBIAN?

Glad you asked. You, my dear reader, are a Glesbian. Just by reading this blog, you have joined the ranks of literally HUNDREDS of like-minded Glesbians throughout New York (and the world!) who await Glennis' every daily move with breath a baitin.

Are you bored with idolizing the Gwennys, Cammys and Lohans that grace the pages of your favorite magazines taunting you with their expensive clothes, rich digs and flawless skin?

Glennis is here.

See Glennis as she sips her decadent cup of morning joe... then scrambles to save her H&M tunic from ultimate stain destruction! Not to worry, Glennis has a closet full of clothes in her hip, west village flat.

Bask in the glow of Glennis' morning routine as she forgoes a shower and emerges a bohemian goddess. Will her new hairstyle set a trend among the jaded fashionistas Glennis rubs elbows with on a daily basis?

Hear Glennis rave about her recent victory over The Man as she takes a two-week leave from work to trot Le Globe. Will YOU spot her in Chi-town?

Wonder at the person who is Glennis and become a certified Glesbian.

Apply today. Space is limited!

DON'T be left in the dark.