Dynomite with a laser beam

I have a few things to tell you guys.

#1. Zicam is great for fending off colds! If you like to stick moist q-tips up your nose then Added Bonus!

#2. PLEASE I beg of you people, watch Daisy Does America on TBS (the superstation) Tuesday nights... I think it's at 10pm or something. I know... the promos made it look totally stupid but I sweat to god (haha I just said SWEAT to GOD... hahaha I'm totally going to make a new aerobics routine out of that) this girl is hilarious. I heard the other day she was who gave Sasha Baron Cohen (Ali G) his start. She is the real thing. SO FUNNY. Watch it if for no other reason than us ladies need to repreZENT in the comedy shit.

#3. Paul Rudd really was at that reading. I had 5 lines.

#4. Do you like good things?

YOU DO???

Awesome then you will please come see I Eat Pandas in our new run at Under St. Marks in NY! Read all about it here:

www.ieatpandas.com/shows.html

Also, we're up against Death By Roo Roo this Thursday at 11 in cagematch! COME VOTE FOR US SO WE CAN BE CHAMPS!!

ALSO... I Eat Pandas just got accepted into the San Francisco Improv Festival!

Come on guys. I really mean it...we are so good. We will make you believe in UNICORNS and SOCIAL SECURITY.

Also...


i love you


xoxo
DJ Sassy Mollassy

You must say my name!

Ever wonder what happened to the Childlike Empress?

Failure to Launch

You guys! I am Uh-HUB-SEssed with this movie I keep seeing trailers for called "Failure to Launch." You guys, it has Terry Bradshaw in it! I mean did you see him in Hooper circa 1978? Wowie guys. Hot stuff!

And also, SJP... you gogurrrl. Pulling off the 20 year old thing even if it does take special lighting to get ya there.


Siiiigh. You don't know the half of it, sister.

Really you guys. Could there BE anything wrong with this movie?

Oh just one thing...










IT'S NOT IN THEATRES NOW!!

Anyone up for fandangoing this shit with me??

What's the Word, Hummingbird?

So glad you asked!

Since my legions of fans read this blog (thanks you two) I wanted to update you on some cool stuff. First of all I recently became the voice of Lifetime Television's rebranding campaign! What does that mean?? I have no idea! But I've done one voice over so far and I hear they like to use the same voices over and over. Me & Lifetime...who knew!??

Also, this is kinda cool... this weekend I'm shooting a short film for my friend Kalika (Lynn's lovely roommate) for her grad thesis film and we get to use harnesses and green screens. So fun right? I get to fall out a window in a glammy dress!! So for those of you who've always wanted to see me fall to my death... there you go. (sobby sobby cry tears)

And on Friday night I'm doing a reading of a new screenplay with Paul Rudd. Yes, THAT Paul Rudd.

Don't you love me?!? I do!

No really, I do. When I think about me I touch myself.

And if that weren't enough, my musical improv group I Eat Pandas & Friends (whom you all so lovingly praised the website of below... well kinda. I Eat Pandas is just me and Eliza... "& FRIENDS" adds 3 others) is in the Cage Match finals up against whoever wins tonight! Tonight it's Mother (who is last years champ and, well, just about the greatest long form improv team around) vs. Death By Roo Roo. DBRR is great I'm sure but I've never seen them. Sorry dudes.

So if you're in NY and you want a great show, come to the UCB Theatre next Thursday the 26th at 11pm and vote for I Eat Pandas & Friends!

Byzeees!

Get that girl an Oscar

I did this short film about a year ago. Watch it if you want. I'm in it for about 5 seconds and have no lines but I do look really fresh. I especially implore you to pay attention to the credits.

Depression

Poor Jess

I really have a soft spot in my heart for celebrities like Jessica Simpson who have to go through heartbreak under the scathing eye of the media. But really, this is just too much people.



Hasn't she been through ENOUGH!!??

I Am So Awesome!

Oh my god will you guys please tell me how cool I am? I just designed my first website!

www.ieatpandas.com

If you check it out and something doesn't work lemme know.

Hooray!

Glennis

Fun with pictures!

Hey let's have some fun guys! I put speech bubbles on some pictures I found on the internet. I hope you love them more than you love your own private parts.

Love, Glennis









NOW YOU DO ONE!

Be cool man

Those dummies took down the cool thing I was trying to show you guys in the Apocolypto trailer. So if you didn't see then you probably never will. Sorry, guess you're not cool.

Love,
Glennis

EDIT!!

It IS still there. I was wrong. So read these directions again on how to do it. You have to click frame by frame very slowly or you will miss it.
IT'S WORTH IT

let me see that one, two step

In an attempt to move my dancing at DDPP past this:



and this:



I am going to start taking dance/hip-hop classes at Crunch. Now just so you know I've always billed myself as a non-dancer. Until DDPP I had never had rhythm and never EVER attempted to dance. But, well, I don't know... DDPP has changed me a little bit. If nothing else, I have more confidence.


Please no, I'm fine in the corner. Move along.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm slowly transforming myself, what with DJ classes and hip-hop dancing, into something... more. Something different. Not necesarilly better. Just... different.

Something like this:


No, you can't invite your brother. My name ain't Public Dancer, bitch.




One final thought. Why did this picture come up when I googled Bad Dancer. You tell me.

It's Over

Dear New Years Resolution to write in my blog daily. Let's break up.

Phew! Glad that's over with.

You know what would be awesome but make life a lot shorter? If you woke up at 8:00 our time and then teleported yourself to England.

Another saying I thought of that I'd like to bring into rotation in two thousand sex (yeah baby, first one to think of that one. I just know it!)...

"God rest his pickle."

I tried to go see Brokeback Mountain again the other day but for some reason the gods do not want me to see this movie. So instead we had to play Movie Roullette and watched the next movie playing at that theatre. The movie was "Rumor Has It." I mean I figured of all the movies we could have been stuck with that wouldn't be the WORST. Right? Right! No I mean WRONG. So bad. Just so so bad it's not even...well let's just say Kevin Costner was the only redeeming part of the movie and you all know how I feel about him. Hmmmpfjkdkkk! (that was pukey coming up in my mouth. No no I keed. I love Kevin Costner. I'm sure he's a really nice guy.

FOR ME TO PEE ON!!

That's another catch phrase I'm trying to work in. Do you guys like it?)

Oh and I now find Jennifer Aniston completely annoying. Thanks a lot Rumor NOT Orgasmic!

Now I'm off to do some real ass work today. Including a lot of internet surfing and sighing.

Glennis

i got the rhythm in me

First day of DJ school. AWESOME. I've got rhythm.

Also, did you know Ray Charles and Aretha Franklin recorded versions of Eleanor Rigby? Although I do love The Beatles version the most. It might possibly be my favorite Beatles song ever.

Also, you need to listen to Headphones. Such great music. Listen to the song "S**t Talker." (that's what it's called, I'm not afraid to say shit.)

Also, next week some time i am going to be on the radio to promote Dance Dance Party Party! I'll let you know when.

Oh also, I Eat Pandas and Friends won cagematch at UCB last week so we'll be doin it up again on Thursday night at 11. If you're up and about check us out. If we win again and then again we get to go to Chicago to face another team for the Cagematch title. That would be pretty neat.

Oh and my DJ name has been discovered! In an IM conversation with Lynn. DJ Sassy Molassy. Tell me that doesn't fit me perfectly.

Later!

Passion of the Nutbag

YOU GUYS. Oh my god you have to do this it's freakin hilarious and awesome! My rad friend Gregor pointed this out to me and I will never stop thanking him because it's the best thing I've seen in a while.

Follow these steps EXACTLY.

1. Go to this website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/touchstone/apocalypto/
2. Watch the entire trailer for Mel Gibson's new movie: Apocolypto.
3. After you have watched the whole thing, fast forward the trailer to the point just after the naked pregnant chick.
4. Now click forward with your > button frame by frame.
5. You'll know when to stop.
6. Now thank me and Gregor for making your day.

THE DUDE IS CRAZY!!

A New Slang

And now, a list of slang & catch phrases I'd like to bring into circulation for the year Oh Six.

1. Well sprinkle me (blank).
This should be used to replace, "well color me (blank!)" You can use any number of words to fill in the blank. Surprised, tickled, excited, racist. It's very versatile.

2. I made a boo boo.
I especially like the use of this new slang when old people say it.

3. That's Interesting.
Replaces the popular phrase of '05, "That's Hot."

4. Swing out with your ding out.
Pretty simple. Male vernacular only.

5. WWWSD?
What Would Wanda Sykes Do? Let's give Jesus a break. Wanda is just as sassy and she seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders.

6. Busted
Definition 1: when one has had too much to drink. 2: when one is tired from having too much to drink the night before.

7. Federline
Let's change the lyrics to Madonna's hit song, "Borderline" to "Federline."

And that's what I have for now. Let's do this people!

Glennis

Say my name, Bitch!

My name is not very popular so I was pleased as punch to find this. It pretty much sums up everyone with the name Glennis, wouldn't you say?


Mmmmhmmm. PREACH, SISTER.

Amputee

A woman in my office who works in house keeping has been out for a long time on disability. I know because I work in HR. I was NOT a-snooping.

So today I walked out of the door from our offices to the elevator bank and she stood across the way at the other door. I looked at her and immediately thought, "Oh my god. Her ARM WAS REMOVED!!" But then I looked again and it was just behind her back.

I was dissapointed. I'm sorry Maria.

My favorite new song of the day is Stars and the Moon from Songs for a New World. No matter how many times I hear that song it gets me choked up. Also, Somewhere That's Green from Little Shop of Horrors. Good god rip my heart out will you?

That's all I have for today. This is a last minute post!

Glennis

DJ! DJ! DJ!

You guys I totally just signed up for DJ school for real! I am going to be the best DJ ever right?! I think I'm going to have a DJ alter ego. Kind of like Beyonce. Her alter ego is Sasha. She goes into "Sasha" mode on stage so she can be all sexy and bootylicous and a hot mama. So I'm going to have an alter ego and I'm not sure if she's going to be a funky fresh DJ a la Beastie Boys or a sexy DJ a la Gwen Stefani or a cute and sweet but still kick-ass DJ a la Hello Kitty. I mean who really knows. I could show up with a dinosaur mask on wearing diapers and as long as I tear up that dance floor people will love me.

I signed up for acting classes to learn "method" acting and I quit them. I don't want to do that. I didn't even start the classes yet but I know I'll hate it. It's not me. DJing? Well even if it's not "me" it's going to be so fun I know I'll like it.

Now I'm off to do laundry because it's been oh... I don't know... 4 weeks? Hey don't judge... I sweat flowers.

I'm taking suggestions for DJ names. Right now the top runner is DJ! DJ! DJ! Because as we all know, I like titles that repeat.

Good bye.

DJ (fill in the blank)

New YARS!

Schmappeeeeeee. Schmooooooo. Schmeeeeeear!!!

That goes specifically to Kirby, Andrew and Buckaloo. Yooo!

So last night was totally fun dancing and drinking at UCB for new years. I myself decided to class things up a bit and broke out my flask full of rum (Yar... t'was the Captain's rum, t'was) and made everyone in my path take a shot. So I hope you fuckers like herpes!

But really, great way to ring in the new year.

So here's my new years resolutions in no particular order.

1. RELAX.
2. Get a hot bod.
3. Take Dance Dance Party Party to a new level. Anyone know someone who works on Ellen?
4. Put up a new show.
5. Kick the heroin.
6. Star in a movie opposite Jennifer Love Love Hewitt.
7. Go to DJ school.
8. Learn how to hip-hop dance.
9. Write in my blog every day.
10. Mix my own songs to use at DDPP.
11. Leave my office job.
12. Get a puppy.
13. Invent a new shoe.
14. Become the voice of a muppet.
15. Get revenge on the man who killed my brother.

Oh my goooooood. Tanna from The Apprentice is on TV right now selling the bedazzler! Tanna is single handedly responsible for bringing back the Bedazzler! Oh my god I am dying. That was so worth stopping my list.

Ok that oughta keep me busy for a few days. But man, what am I going to do with myself after I complete all that? Whoooaaa little doggie. Remember #1? RELAX my friend.

Oh and yes, I will be writing in my blog daily mostly thanks to my lovely friend Lynn. And I'll be posting my favorite new songs so keep your suggestions coming too!

Favorite song of the day (which my boyfriend doesn't like because he thinks it's a rip off from early Liz Phair, but I love irregardless): The Things That You Say That You Do by Dressy Bessy.

SCHMA. SCHMOO. SCHMEA.