Oscars Poop-cap

I guess since I'm at the forefront of pop culture I need to contribute my 2 cents to the poop-fest that was the Oscars. Here are the only two things I liked about it (aside from Ellen's awesome hosting. Hearts.)

Wait, I know I told everyone I hate award shows but when I got home Sunday after DDPP exhausted and sweaty and realized there was nothing else on tv, I had to watch them. Had to! Reading a book or cleaning my room was NOT AN OPTION!

The dancers behind that screen? WHAT?! So amazing. I know it's like, not really that amazing but every time they'd make a car or a gun I was like "GET OUT OF TOWN!" I'm also impressed by drawings and music.

Also, the sound effects choir. Ok that might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yes, it was amazing what they could do with their voices, but holy crap. First... their faces! I mean the expressions alone where enough to send me into a giggle fit for days. Then just the hilarity of them being on stage, at the Oscars, dressed to the 9s....making wind blowing and cork popping noises with their mouths.

So. Funny.

Am I alone on this?

Oh yeah and Jennifer Hudson, blah blah blah.

I seriously think award shows are the most retarded, boring, ridiculous pieces of crap ever. Oh except the MTV Movie awards. Love that shit.

In other news I did two shows Saturday night and killed. Killed, I say! Here's a picture from the second show.



And now, a question for your faces: will I ever tire of talking about myself?

A: Highly unlikely.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Chips!

This shit is TIGHT. Watch this video done by my pal (and fellow Obama-sessed gal) Carolyn in which she raps like a super star and in which I dance like a hoochie. I mean, seriously. Why would you not watch this.



Love,

Glennis

Man Bangs

Please click here to see me and my comedy life-partner, Eliza, talking about Gay Aiken. Rock it out on the DL (if ya know what I mean, dudes).

Love,

Glennis

Friday Movie Date

Get a baby sitter! Call your friends! It's time for Friday Movie Date!

Here's a fun movie done by my pal Luke Ward. Pay close attention to my voice dubbing in the beginning. I'm particularly proud of that. Just like I'd be proud if I had herpes.



Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

You, Sirs, Are The Devil

HEAR ME NOW.

There is nothing (and I do mean nothing) that gets my blood boiling more than a fucking GYM EMPLOYEES. You, sirs, are the devil incarnate! And I never would have realized what jagoffs you guys were if it hadn't been for my boss asking me to get rates from different gyms in the area.

I had to call a few different NYSC locations in my neighborhood and without fail they would start by saying something like, "Great! You want to be a member?! Why don't you stop by and we'll show you around??" BITCHES IF I HAD TIME TO "STOP BY" THEN I WOULD HAVE STOPPED BY. I'd say, "I don't really have time, I just need to get the rates from you over the phone." They'd reply with some tard response like, "oh all our rates are pretty much the same."

...SO GIVE ME THE RATES!!!

I mean I don't understand why this is so effing difficult!!?!

Earlier today I called Equinox at 44th Street. The first thing I noticed was when I said, "membership" the receptionist got all excited and squeaky. Do even THEY get a cut of my sweet, hard-earned gym money?? She excitedly transferred me and a woman picked up. I said, "I need to get rates for your gym" knowing what would come next.

HER
Have you been to our gym before?

ME
Yes.

HER
This location?

ME
Yes.

HER
Ok why don't you stop by so we can talk about the rates?

ME
I can't really stop by. I just need to get them over the phone.

HER
Well we have a lot of different rates.

ME
...
...
AND WHAT ARE THOSE RATES.

HER
Why don't you stop by so we can talk about them?

ME
(getting angry)
So seriously you're not going to tell me, because I'll just go to another gym.

HER
Why don't you give me your email address and I'll email them to you.

ME
(faced with the prospects of either a) pissing off my boss, b) having to walk over there and meet with this chick face to face or c) give them a personal part of my life which they can use and abuse...)
Fine.

And so I gave her my email and guess what? She never emailed them to me.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

So, like I said, I didn't want to piss off my boss by not getting the rates so I put on my jacket and begrudgingly go across the street (in the rain!) to Equinox. I walk in the door and ask to speak to someone about membership. The same girl who answered the phone gets super excited and says, "ok! Just fill this out and someone will be right with you!" She hands me a piece of paper on which is written: Name, Phone Number, Address, Email, Corporation.

WHY. Why on EARTH would someone need all of that information from me just to talk to me about rates? Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE THE DEVIL.

I tell her that it's not for me, it's for my boss and she STILL makes me fill it out!! I swear to GOD I wanted to throw that clipboard at her stupid face. But I don't. I fill out the information and I use all fake stuff. My name is Kathy Emerson, my phone number won't work and I think my address is a Chinese restaurant. But, not thinking about it, I sign it with my actual signature (nice), but honestly do you think they're looking at my signature?

The woman comes out and she's actually very nice. I tell her I'm getting the rates for my boss and she gives me the information. And guess what? I'm gonna give them to you!

For just 44th Street it's $476 to start but wait! They are having a 50% off sale (but seriously she doesn't know how long this will last so you better hurry and sign up. do you want to sign up now? how about now? Now? NOW???) so now the initiation fee is $237. The monthly rate is $134 BUT WAIT!

THAT INCLUDES:

An Equifit Evaluation - $100 value
1 Personal Training Session - $75 value
Two one-week memberships - $490 value

HOW GENEROUS OF THEM!

The rate for ALL locations is $595 (also 50% off so it's now $297) and the monthly rate is $160 which also includes above.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

Gyms can suck my nut and eat a bag of dicks. I belong to NYSC and I still think that gyms can chomp on a big old vagina.

You know what? I feel so much better now!

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Necrophilia: A Love Story

Genoa, Italy
February 12, 1887

Open on: Carl Tanzler, a young boy of 10, walks along the streets of Italy kicking a rock and whistling a merry tune.

TANZLER

Dooo dee doo! I'm a kid! I speak German! La la la!

Suddenly an impetuous wind whips around the young boy. He shields his face from the flying sand and debris but just as soon as the wind appears it's gone again.

TANZLER
(blinks, rubs his eyes)

Wha... wha happened?

DEAD ANCESTOR

HALT! HEAR THIS! HEED! HRAAAAPH!

TANZLER

A dead ancestor! What have you come to tell me oh dead one!?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Hey, what's up. I thought you'd be more frightened by my gettup. No? Flaming skulls not your thing?

TANZLER

I mean don't get me wrong, you look pretty scary... I just think dead things are awesome. Really, really awesome.

DEAD ANCESTOR

Riiiight. Um, so anyway I'm here to show you a picture. IT'S A VISION! MWAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(The dead ancestor holds out a 5x7 picture for Tanzler)



TANZLER

Wooooooow. She's beautiful! Is she dead?

DEAD ANCESTOR

What? No dude. What the hell kind of thing is that to say? You're a weird kid.

TANZLER

Thanks! Is this the woman I'm supposed to marry?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Something like that. Seriously though I'm really creeped out by your earlier question. What the fuck? I... gotta go. I have other visions to perform. (mumbles) Creepy kid...

Cut to: April 22, 1930.
A hospital in Key West, Florida.

A woman enters the hospital where Tanzler works as a Radiologist.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Excuse me? I don't feel so well.

TANZLER

GASP! (he gasps) It's yoooooou!! (Tanzler does a few spinny, hands out, "Sound of Music Hilltop Scene" twirls)

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Oh my! (cough cough) Where you (cough) expecting me?

TANZLER

Oh my beautiful, exotic creature! You're my vision! Weeee!!

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Wow! That's so (cough) lovely! (Cough. Cough, cough, cough, cough. Cough.)

(cough)

TANZLER

So what seems to be the trouble?

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Seriously? COUGH COUGH.

TANZLER

Ah yes... you have a cough! Well, I can fix you right up.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Are you a doctor? Your lab coat says, "Radiologist."

TANZLER

Ahhh... um... that's my... last name! Yes. My name is Carlos Radiologist. DOCTOR Carlos Radiologist. Now please take off your nickers so I can evaluate the severity of your cough.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Well, I supposed it couldn't hurt.

(Cut to two days later.)

TANZLER

(To Maria's family trying not to smile.)
Your daughter is dead. I tried my best. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through, etc, etc... Hey this is going to sound way out of left field here, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. Mind if I pay for her funeral and then contstruct an above ground mausoleum where I shall store her corps so I can visit it nightly?

FAMILY

(Staring at Tanzler.)

TANZLER

I'll give you a cooookie...

FAMILY

Deal.

Cut to: A dark lab at midnight. Tanzler sits with Maria's dead body which has since been encased in wax and plaster.

TANZLER

Oh my dear sweet Maria. How I've longed for the day when we could be together! (He kisses her and removes some of the wax from her face.) You look as beautiful today as you ever did.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Thank you, Tanzie.

TANZLER

Imagine the life we shall have together my dear Maria! You encased in your mausoleum above ground in the local cemetary and me visiting you daily! The times we'll have! The laughs we'll share!

MARIA'S CORPSE

Oh Tanzie I can't wait! Tanzie?

TANZLER

Yes Maria my sweet?

MARIA'S CORPSE

I'm so much happier now that I'm dead.

TANZLER

I knew you would be! Uh oh. Some of your hair is falling out. Oh god. I'm so turned on right now.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Take me, Tanzie!

TANZLER

Right here?? But Maria! What will the neighbors think!?

MARIA'S CORPSE

Seriously? You're storing a woman you barely know in a mausoleum.

TANZLER

Touche.

The lights slowly fade out and the camera pans to the ceiling as we hear the sweet, sweet sounds of a man having sex with the love of his life. A dead chick.

THE END

(Check it.)

Tales from the Script

Another audition today you guys might enjoy. It was for a NY Lotto spot where I had to bounce on one of those old bouncy balls (the kind you'd sit on as a kid and hop-hop-hop around; like an exercise ball with a handle... what the hell are those things called?) which in and of itself isn't all that significant BUT I did the audition with the Budweiser "wazzaaaaa" guy (he played my husband) which still isn't that significant as a stand alone news item BUT put those two things together and SHAZAM! A very hilarious and important blog post!

Also, bouncing on those things is TIRING. I had to do it 3 times and the last time I was out of breath. Seriously? Like, seriously that made me out of breath?? GO TO THE GYM, GLENNIS.

Oh and I was told not to be "so squeaky" by the casting director (to which Budweiser guy said, "the squeak is the best part!" which made me go, "are you hitting on me, sir?") which I think means try not to talk like a retard-baby. Outside the elevator on our way downstairs Budweiser says to me, "we'd have some beautiful babies. so exotic looking..." which was when I knew he was hitting on me. (It sounds out of nowhere but we had just played husband and wife, remember.)

We parted ways but I like to think at some point down the line he'll be googling "Budweiser Guy 'wazzaaaaa'" or "Beautiful, Exotic Girl from the NY Lotto Audition on February 21st" and find my site. Until then, sir. Until then.

ALSO

If any of you had any Jetblue drama this past weekend this will probably be just as exciting for you as it was for me.

(They're just now delivering my bag. At least she's not lost. She's so cute!)

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

Kate The Great

This, my dear readers, is my friend Kate. I can't describe to you in words how this girl has affected my life. She's not only intelligent and well-spoken, but she's talented, kind, compassionate and can kick it old school like the best of them. There are just so many reasons for my undying love for this girl. Let's go over them, shall we?

1. She taught me how to phrase things in just such a way so as not to concern my friends and family.

Example: Instead of saying "I got so shit-faced, sloppy drunk last night I don't even know how I got home!" you say, "I imbibed half of New York's beer supply last night and woke up to a nice-sized hang over."

Do you see? Much classier and yet it gets the same message across. And that message is: beer is great.

2. She taught me that sex is not only good, it's important and not something to be ashamed of. (This sounds silly. Note to self: delete this part before posting.)

3. She has the wardrobe one can only dream about and is not shy about lending items out.


See: Birthday pants.

4. She has amazing friends who she would do anything for and who would do anything for her.

5. She holds no judgments. Seriously. Like... none. I know, right? It sounds bananas but when I tell you; the girl doesn't know the meaning of the word. (This also sounds kinda gay... maybe delete this part too.)

6. She might have coined the term, "Glesbian" (although this is a hot point of contention since I have the memory of a goldfish and I'm pretty sure it could have also been Eliza...) after hearing story upon story about how women would buy me gifts for no reason at all. "Here's a skirt." "How about some dinner?" "Why, you look like you could use a boat." And thus... the phrase: she was born.



7. But I think the most recent event that set my "Katebian" top spinning was the introduction of this video into my life and the glory that is Brenda Dickson.

Well, Hello...



(If you enjoyed that please also enjoy #2 and her website.)

And that, my friends, is my pal Kate. THE GREAT.

Have a nice day, won't you?

Love,

Glennis

The Fame Game

Because I thought it would be a good idea to stay out until 4:30 this morning (YES, 4:30... WHAT THE HELL, GLENNIS!?) I'm finding this really funny. I just made some celebrity M&Ms on www.becomeanmm.com.


Click


Click


Click


Click

Click below each picture if you can't guess who they are. This is all very exciting, I realize, but it's about all I can muster right now. I've been sitting here breathing for the last 20 minutes and it's taken a lot out of me. Please kids, don't make me your role model. Thanks.

More later...

Love,

Glennis

Obvious Britney Spears Joke of The Day

Re: Brit-Brit's recent head shaving... ahem...

AT LEAST NOW THE DRAPES MATCH THE CARPET

(rim shot)



Have a great day.

Love,

Glennis

I Love Me

I love myself. I really do. I think I'm amazing. And today while walking down the street I saw this. The recent cover of NY Press:



(Which accompanies this awesome article.)

Which looks crazy similar to this picture I took of me, loving myself back in December:



Am I trend-setter or what?

xoxo

Love,

Me

Off The Chain Reaction!

You guys? Holy crap yesterday was SO FUN.

I don't even know where to start! And I can't tell you everything because I signed a paper saying I wouldn't (um I think they're called contracts?), but I will tell you what I can. Oh god. So So fun.

Ok so where do I start? Well let's start with the obvious: what we obsessed about before actually getting to the studio to shoot our game show. Naturally it was 1) hair and makeup - would it be provided? and 2) the foxiness that is the host of Chain Reaction:


Above or Below?
(Watch the show and that hilarious joke will make sense.)

I might also add that 3) is "will Glennis find her future husband today?" A joke. (Kinda)

We arrive at the studio and are whisked inside and upstairs! To a glamorous holding room! It's all very exciting! We walk in to find three men sitting in the room already. Is this our competition? We talk to them and find out that they're brothers and have flown all the way from Ohio and Maryland. That's a long way to fly for some shitty Chain Reaction money, yo! I mean they were the sweetest guys ever. So excited to be in NY and to be on the show but thank GOD they were not our competition because I would have felt terrible sending their asses back to Ohio/Maryland empty handed. I mean, they wouldn't really have been empty handed cuz that's what yer dicks are for, right? Men?

Anyway.

The first thing we're asked to do is hand over our cell phones. Cuz you know, you don't want to...call...someone...to get...words? We also can't have reading material, though as Kate pointed out, Oprah and the news was readily available in the makeup room.

AND YES. WE DID GET SOME MOTHER EFFIN HAIR AND MAKEUP.

I mean... we looked foxy. (Almost as foxy as Dylan. Sigh.) Here, take a gander:


I realize I look exactly the same.

Oh and I didn't say we did beat those guys, either. Just that it would have sucked had we beat them. (I'm being very careful here. I don't want to get the pants sued off me. They make my ass look so nice. Oh my god I really need to stop making such cheesy jokes.)

Ok so what else. Oh! They're going over the rules with us and they say stuff like, "If Dylan makes a joke...just laugh at it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Or it's cheesy, (see above) just laugh." I mean, I totally get what they're saying. I get it. Dylan makes a joke: laugh like a school girl. Not really going to be a problem since, did I mention, Dylan is a foxy, foxy fox. We were laughing butter in his cheesy hands. But then they say, "And if he gets some information slightly incorrect, don't correct him. Just don't correct Dylan at all." Oooo...kay. So laugh at him and don't correct him. Is Dylan... an infant? Cuz I thought he was my future husband and I'm really not ok with marrying an infant. No. Not even an infant who hosts his own game show. Well...I mean it depends on what game show.

But then we get on stage and Dylan is charming and pretty funny. And did I mention foxy? Yeah. Hey Dylan Lane if you are reading this CALL ME. Let's get bizzy, Dizzy.

What else can I tell you?! I think that's all I can tell you about the actual game. I can tell you that AFTER the game my teammates and I went to dinner. They with their boyfriends, and me with mine:


Kiss me you fool...bodied beer.

God. I am on fire with the puns today.

We ate at Vintage on the Upper West and it was delish. Our waitress checked herself out in the mirror while taking our orders and when asking Kate and her man what they wanted to drink, looked outside and goes, "it's snoooowwwiiing." I had to jingle some keys in front of her face to get her back. But I shouldn't be so mean because at the end of the night (after a few glasses of wine) I got the hiccups. BAD. Like the teeth-shattering, stomach crampy kind. And she comes over, sees me hiccupping up a storm and brings over club soda and this:



Lemons. On which I had my period. It's really bitters. Relax. And yo, that shit worked! My hiccups were gone INSTANTLY. So I guess this distracted waitress actually has more power than anyone I know for she's the only person I've met who's successfully cured hiccups.

And if you've found my blog by googling "best cure for hiccups" and are sitting there hic-hic-hiccing away, my condolences.

Our episode doesn't air until, I think, March 27th. I will make sure to remind everyone, natch. And! Stay tuned for my COMPLETE post after the show airs. Oh there's some stuff to tell. Oh yes.

Seriously, such a fun time. Everyone should be on a game show once, I say.

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis