I could have died. Just DIED!

Dear Seventeen Magazine:

First time writer, long time reader! OMGOMGICANTBELIEVEIMDOINGTHIS! LOL LOL!!LOL! ROFL!!

So, oh my god, this is like my total most embarassing moment ever. Seriously, it will like totally beat any of your other embarassing moments, like, ever.

I was on the train going up to my really professional office job in the city. I am new at everything so I really want to make a good impression on people, well, everywhere. So I was totally dressed really nice. I even had pearls on... I felt so grown up!

At my job we have to use card keys to get in and out of the building and the doors on our floor (so no unauthorized people get in and attack us! I know what happens, I watch MTV News!). My card is attached to a little clip that I can pin to my pants. I kinda think it looks dorky (LOL!!!) but I wear it anyway. The clip is attached to a retractable cord so I can pull it out and open the door.

So this morning, like I said, I'm on the train with a bunch of totally professional business guys. (Suits and ties and everything!) I was almost to my stop on the train so I reached into my bag to pull out my card key. I felt it in one of the pockets (filled with so much stuff, omg!) and pulled it out. Except that the clip was stuck on something in my bag so the cord just pulled out really long. I kept tugging on the card to try and get the clip out but it was seriously stuck! Tug! Tug! Tug! Until finally I tugged with all my might and "POP!" out it comes.

And oh my gosh, Seventeen, you'll never guess what came with it.

A tampon!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

LOL!!

And not only did a tampon (OB because it's more absorbent) come flying out but it HIT A BUSINESS MAN... IN THE EYE!!!!

COULD YOU JUST DIE!!!!!?????!?!?

Well I almost did! It was almost as embarassing as the time I stepped in poop and didn't notice until I was in homeroom!

Well I guess I won't be riding that train to work anymore. How can I show my face there again! LOL!

Sincerely,

Embarassed in NY

PS - The guy's eye was ok. I don't think he knew what hit him but OMG I did!
PPS - I left the OB Tampon on the train. Should I have picked it up???
PPPS - Jake Gyllenhaal is SOOOO DREAMY!!

Kraft! Get out of my head!

I just saw a commercial for Kraft's new crumble cheese. The jingle is "You're crumbelievable!" to the tune of "you're unbelievable."

I mean... seriously Kraft! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

The commercial starts with the WWF Announcer saying "Llllllllllllet's get ready to CRUMBLE!!"

"The thing. You crave. That big cheese taste just blows you away. They're crumbelievable."

Why couldn't I have been the one to sing that jingle!?!?!

Siiigh. I <3 you Kraft Marketing Team.

Love,
Glennis


Mike knew his new ad campain would get him the ladies, but he had no idea they'd be just his type!

Big Small Cat Dog... Go!

Voice over auditions are always a bit elusive for me, I'm never sure what exactly to do with the copy they hand me (especially when it's one line like, "bring your camera." What?) But sometimes the copy writers... is that what they're called?... provide a little help in how to read the copy. Sometimes it's, "Nicole Richie mixed with Ganene Garofallo with a little Midwest Housewife" which totes helps me out. But the other day was by far the best. It was a voice over for Six Flags in which the "artist" was talking about the "buy your ticket get one for a Friend" promotion. The description on how to read the copy went like this:

"Movie trailer mom girl should be your inspiration."

So I of course knocked it out of the park with a little dash of Katherine Hepburn mixed with some Bai Ling and just a hint of my little sister.

My only question is why they continued auditioning mom girls after I had clearly bagged it.

It's the little things

How my life resembles a celebrity, part one of a billion.

This morning I woke up after a night of restless sleep caused by scary dudes screaming mean words at some other dude from their car off and on all night, (Right under my window!) and stepped on the pointy part of my iron which I had left by my bed last night.

I know, Gwyneth Paltrow?

Nope, it's just me. I assure you.

Living learning and all that bullcrap

So the pilot I made for www.channel102.com did not get in, but you beautiful people have a golden opportunity to watch it right here in the comfort of your own home! Yay!

This is the first thing I've written and helped direct and been in so it was Pretty Sweet. Or PS as we kids say.

Hope you like it!!

Love,

Glennis

http://www.lukeward.com/urchins/FinalOutputV2.mov

Priceless

Relaxation CD: $7.95


New King-Size comfort bedding: $45.00


Lavendar scented calming spray: $9.00


Waking up to the sound of sirens: Priceless


For everything else there's WHY CAN'T I EVER SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!GODDAMNITLETMESLEEEPWHATTHEFU... oh crap, someone was just hit by a car.

Wake me up before I bid-bid

Hey guys, what's up.

So remember how I told you I've had a really hard time sleeping and pretty much have insomnia (which I actually think sounds so cool because, as most of you know, I love diseases and medical stuff and insomnia really sounds like a great disease). Anywho... I got a prescription for Ambien from my doc. I took it the first weekend and wow, it was amazing! I felt so great, I woke up at 7am, I worked out, I took a cat nap (first one!), it was really great.

About a week and a half later I went out with some friends from work. I drank two beers but it was one of those nights where I was so distracted by seeing people I hadn't see in a long time and I wasn't at all drunk, so I guess I kinda forgot I had had them. So I went home and took Ambien. I was talking on my computer to some friends and all the sudden my eyes started getting fuzzy and I couldn't see what I was typing. I told my friends I had to sign off and go to bed (I think that's what I said! Lynn?? Megan??) and I crawled into bed and fell asleep without incident.

OR DID I??

The next day my boyfriend says, "do you remember calling me last night??"

"WHAT?"

"You called me last night and said you were sleepy and dizzy."

Ok don't remember that at all.

So I went about my day, ladida, and that night I went home, got in bed, and took another Ambien. I layed there for a minute and then thought, "hmm... I should go on my computer." So I got up, got my laptop and got on line. Next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning, checking my email and... WHAT'S THIS?? I bid on a BED FRAME on eBay while I was on an Abien blackout!

Well at least I didn't bid on something that was really expensive. And I did need a bed frame. Oh I won it btw.

But my therapist said that people have done crazy thins on Ambien... like trying to drive their car!!

I was conscious enough to place a bid for something I knew I needed. What else could I do??

Of course this is not making me want to STOP taking it, but makes me want to try and do stuff while on it.

Which I know I won't. I'm not stupid, you guys.

Or AM I?!?!

But I will probably get a prescription for Lunesta. Butterfly sleep!

I'll keep you abreast of the situation.

Hehe.
Abreast.


Gary liked to blame his problems on Ambien, but even the dog knew it was more. Much, much more.

All I wanna do is report some news

So last night instead of dressing up and wandering the streets of Manhattan for Halloween, my man and I went to the Sheryl Crow concert at Lincoln Center. I know, Lincoln Center? It was SO awesome you guys! She is amazing. And she played a ton of new songs of her really great new album which you need to get if you haven't already.

Sitting in front of us was Harry Smith. Harry Smith from CBS news, you know? I know who he is because he introduces himself by saying, "Harry Smith, CBS News." He's an aquaintance of my boyfriend and we once saw him in a hotel in Chicago with his sons. That's how he introduced himself. Is that weird? I think so.

So he was rocking out alone in front of us to Sheryl Crow. But that actually gave me more respect for him. Anyone who is man enough to go to a Sheryl Crow concert alone, in a suit, and who can stand up and "dance" to the fast songs is all right wif me.



Oh, and to the distracting guy in the tight white t-shirt and jeans up to your navel who danced in the balcony to my right the entire night... with your own mini guitar... I'd just like to say I'm not sure who brings their own mini guitar to a Sheryl Crow concert and pretends to play to her songs, but you my friend are one wild and crazy, and dare I say distracting, guy.

Who you callin dummy, dummy?

As is apt to happen cuz I'm a LADY, I've changed my mind about my halloween costume AGAIN.

What do you think?

Wish I May

This may reveal much more into my inner psyche than I'd like to reveal, but I've been having some wacky dreams lately. I usually have some crazy ones but these are like, "text book" dreams. Or as Eliza said, a dream you'd write about if you were to write about a girl having dreams. Or something like that.

So the other night I had a dream that I was at my ex-fiance's parents' house with my current boyfriend. My ex was getting married and his new fiance was there. I was sitting across from her and she looked exactly like me. Only she was 400 lbs. I kept thinking, "god, that is so weird that she looks JUST like me." I looked away and when I turned back she looked just like me but she was black. And I thought, "wierd. I thought she was Irish."

Then last night I had a dream that I was on a frozen ice scape like in that Penguin movie. I was naked and all I had was a blanket. And it wasn't big enough to cover all of me and keep me warm. So I pretty much knew I was going to die.

Now that 2nd dream could have been because I was cold last night.

Or I maybe shouldn't take any trips to Antarctica? Right? Guys?

Don't you guys hate it when you dream that you found money and you wake up all, "Woo! I found money!" and then realize was a dream. Don't you hate that?






Happened in my dream, not in real life.




did NOT happen in my dream




The cat version of my dream self

Wow

Sorry about that last post folks. Angry drunk!

So is this terrible of me? Last week I went to get my haircut at this nice salon on Christopher St. I brought in a picture and everything. The girl was nice but a little "off" and when she told me she was from Staten Island I thought "uh oh." Is that totally terrible of me? Don't answer, I know. I just had this thought she'd do a bad job.

I mean, she did do a bad job.

What do you guys think?

Hey you stupid bitches!!!

I;m DRUNK!!

Halloween 2005

I've finally chosen a costume for halloween this year and I refuse to take it off until November 1st.

Little Mouth of Horrors

There's something I love so much about going to the dentist.

What was it again?



Oh right. Nothing.

At least she was professional. Cut the small talk and got right to work.

I took a picture to capture the timeless experience.

FINALLY!

Gawdam!

Almost a full year after it was shot, CNN.com has my commercial up. Check it out! Go to www.cnn.com/yourcommand and click on the Anderson Cooper (rrreoww, silver fox) commercial called "Stuck on You."

Thrilling!

Plum obsessed

Lately I've been obsessed with the word "plum" and the image of a plum and I'm not sure why. I decided to name my website design company (that I'll be launching in approximately 2 1/2 months) plum designs and I bought plum diet Snapple iced tea the other day. I find this weird because I've never really thought about plums one way or another. They rank down there with stock market prices and testicular cancer (see: things I never think about).

This recent revelation has prompted me to think about something else I never think about: a girl I used to work with.

This girl was not someone I'd usually hang out with, but what can I say we worked together. Right??

RIGHT, GUYS!?! RIGHT?

So anywhoo, a bunch of us bitches went out to lunch one day and while at a deli hot bar getting cooked chicken, steamed broccoli and other people's sneeze germs, she says, "I love rice, you guys!"

I'm like, "ok, cool. we all do."

She says, "No. I LOVE RICE. I am obsessed with rice."

"huh? like... huh?"

She continues, "I love it! I love to cook it, I love to eat it, if I'm at weddings I always save the rice instead of throwing it! I love it!!!!"

That's weird... right? Who is obsessed with rice??! It's a small white oval!? You really can't get more bland than that. Unless perhaps you're talking about Harriet Miers?

Oh no I didn't!!! BURN!!!

ahhh

Maybe it's just me.

Or maybe she just liked rice.



Heaven anyone?

Beat it, Oprah

And I ain't talkin' about your friendships with celebrities (cuz lord knows you've beaten that one to death.)

I'm done with you, Oprah. Beat it.

First you throw out a plate from your, no doubt expensive, china collection because a dinner guest placed her chewing gum on it. (Not to mention the fact you won't let anyone in your studio or on your staff chew gum. I'm not making this up people, I heard it from the donkey's mouth.)

And the screaming audience members at the very breath of your name, well it's just getting old. Nausiating and old. (And that you say that's what gets you up in the morning. That sends me over the edge. BARF.)

Your interviews are boring. I said it. BORING!

Your stupid A-ha! moments. SHUT UP.

Your love for idiot Scientologists.

But really the topper for my hate cake was when you were talking to Uma Thurman about her divorce from Ethan Hawke and you said something along the lines of "pain over time equals forgiveness." (I know that's not a direct quote but you all get the idea.) And Uma said, "well, yes... that's a nice thought" and YOU, OPRAH WINFREY, in front of millions of people said, "No, it's not a thought, it's PHSYICS."

Oprah say what now!?

I thought you were kidding. I hoped you were, for the sake of my unborn children who would one day be reared by spending hours upon hours watching you dish sassy advice about what to do in an emergency and what books to read via hundreds of taped episodes (while mommy's out doing lines of coke off Kate Moss' collar bone).

I rewound the tivo'd Oprah-sode. Could she have been serious?

I like to think that after watching you for years (since your trash-show days) I've grown to known you, well, intimately. And after watching you state that it was "PHYSICS" 3, 4, 5 times... I do in fact think you were serious radio.

Oprah, you're a douchebag. A huge, giant, Ugg-boot giving, million dollar donating, smug question asking, Tom Cruise loving douchebag.

AND I'M DONE WATCHING YOU.

(until the next steamy episode about the "Down Low" airs)

No longer yours,

Glennis








(Oprah! I'm kidding! I love you, sister! Can I call you "sister?" Hey, call me... 1-212-BRAINWASHED-BY-OPRAH)

Tribal Called Quest

One of the best... No. THE BEST.

THE BEST show on television right now is "Going Tribal" on the Discovery Channel.

Tuesdays, 10pm, Discover Channel

It's freaking awesome you guys.

From Discover.com:

"Going Tribal follows former Royal Marine and expedition leader Bruce Parry as he tests the physical limits of living with ancient tribes in some of the world's most remote areas.

Parry sheds social trappings (and sometimes his Western clothes) by living alongside people from the virtually unexplored areas of the Himalayas, Ethiopia, West Papua, Gabon and Mongolia. To the degree possible, while spending a month immersed in each society, Parry also tries to adopt the methods and practices of his hosts."

And does he ever adopt. Everything from removing every last stitch of clothing to hunting and fishing and eating with them. He eats WHATEVER they eat. He sleeps where they sleep. It's amazing and I am totally enamoured with this man. He has this gentle sort of impish charm about him. He eases the nervous tribes' minds a few minutes after meeting them, and before his month is up he is accepted as one of the family. Often times tears are shed as he leaves. It's amazing and awesome and you must check it out.

I just finished watching an episode where he goes to Indonesia to live with the Kombai tribe and they are Cannibals! They believe if a person kills another person for no reason that they are evil and you must kill them and eat them because the evil spirit lives in their brain and stomach. I mean, come on you guys. It's AWESOME.

I want full updates after you've watched it about how awesome it is and how much you love Bruce.

You know you like it.

Come on people. It's time to get out of that closet and admit what we all know is going on.

We all love Kelly Clarkson.

I don't care who you are. I know you love her. What? What's that? You say you've never heard her?

Well my friend, please tell me when you get out of jail/the rock you're living under so I can play her for you.

Oh, what? Wait... what? You say you've heard her but don't like her?

Saying you don't like Kelly Clarkson is like saying you don't poop. We all do it, we just don't like to talk about it.

Well I'm talking. I like her. I might dare say I LOVE her. The girl can sing and as poppy as her songs are, they are also fucking catchy and fun to dance/workout/sing/masturbate to. Did I say masturbate?

YES I DID.

Kelly's single "Since U Been Gone" fell off the Top 40 after 33 weeks making it not ony the longest charting single in the ARC Weekly Top 40 history, but also the biggest single in the chart's 25 year history.

I mean, come on.

And she's adorable!


Yeah I am!


It's becoming more and more clear why people think I'm a lesbian. Sigh.

An Open Apology to the People of NY

Hey guys. Sorry I yelled at you on the escalator yesterday. Sometimes I really just assume everyone in the world knows to stand on the right, walk on the left.

I mean, if you see that it's rush hour and that everyone else is doing that, I don't know... I just thought maybe you'd get it too.

But it's no reason to yell, I know.

I'd had a rough day and little sleep.

So I'm sorry everyone.

And I'm also glad I had my headphones on so I couldn't hear what you called me as I stormed up the stairs (and caught the train which got me home 3 minutes earlier than I would have gotten home had I waited).

Love,

Glennis

PS - Listen, I'm kind of in a shitty mood again today so if we could try to avoid this whole mess again that'd be great. Thanks again. Sorry.

PPS - My new favorite How To.