Holi-Bangs!

I'm not one for holidays believe it or not. I love celebrations, I love gatherings, I love food… but holidays I could do without. Something about the pressure to make them wonderful or the pressure to be wonderful… it's all too much for me. Thanksgiving this year provided a good week or so of stress leading up to our departure from NY but thanks to the most amazing boyfriend ever (should I just rename this blog "I LOVE MATT"??) it was one of the most wonderful Thanksgivings ever!

It's funny. Because I remember distinctly writing about the best Christmas I'd had a few years ago. It was spent in Chicago. In a bar. How is that the best Christmas? No family around? No eggnog? And let's not try to blame this on me being Irish. That excuse wore out years ago, McMurray. Clearly that was my way of saying "it was the best Christmas because it wasn't."

This year I can say with all certainty that this was the best Thanksgiving I've had (aside from the ones back in good old Colorado) and it was. It was Thanksgiving, I mean. What a lovely family, what lovely food, baby Grace and Marty McFly the dog and everyone just doing their thing. It was WONDERFUL. I got to meet a ton of friends from the past at both Boozegiving (the name says it all) and Matt's reunion (at which about 30 people showed but it was fun all the same). I can't wait to go back for Christmas!

In addition to the food, the family and the sleeping in we watched a shitload of movies. Finally got around to seeing The Comedians of Comedy (and totally fell in love with Maria Bamford) and watched part of The Night of the Hunter (Robert Mitchum) before going into the kitchen for water only to be sucked into L&O: SVU with Matthew's mom. Seriously? Yes. Sorry, dudes. Anyway, the best discovery of this past week was one mister George Sanders. He starred in (and won an Academy Award for his performance in) All About Eve. If you haven't seen this movie, DO. It's awesome. After watching it, Matt and I casually looked Mr. Sanders up on IMDB and what we found was more than we'd ever expected. This man was AWESOME.


From his biography, "George Sanders: An Exhausted Life"

What a dude. Seriously you guys. He was married 4 times including a marriage to Zsa Zsa Gabore as well as to her sister Magda. Sure the marriages were separated by 16 years but it's still kinda crazy right? Also, he was an actor so you'd think he enjoyed it yes? Not so fast! He was quoted as saying "Acting is like roller-skating. Once you know how to do it, it is neither stimulating nor exciting." Ha! He also said, “I am not one of those people who would rather act than eat. Quite the reverse. My own desire as a boy was to retire. That ambition has never changed.” and “I don't ask questions. I just take their money and use it for things that really interest me.” Amazing! Other quotes I loved are, “The important thing for a star is to have an interesting face. He doesn't have to move it very much. Editing and camerawork can always produce the desired illusion that a performance is being given.” and "A woman, a dog and a walnut tree, the more you beat them, the better they be." Um. Kidding? We hope?

Another interesting thing about him? He is credited as the author of the mystery novel, "Stranger at Home” but the book was actually ghostwritten by Leigh Brackett. The book dedication reads, "To Leigh Brackett, whom I have never met".

Come on!!

But the best thing about this guy, the very very best thing is how he died. He killed himself. At the age of 66. But wait… wait… that’s not what’s great… the best thing is the suicide note he left!

AND I QUOTE, "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck."

How much do you love this man!!? What a bastard! Haha!

So after knowing all this the only thing left to tell you is that he co-wrote a very popular song. I’ll give you three guesses but I doubt you’ll ever get it.

Give up?

George Sanders co-wrote I’M A LITTLE TEAPOT.

Are you KIDDING ME!?! It’s comedy gold. God I love it so much
I mean I’d never want to be his kid or wife or anything but you can guaratee I’ll be reading his biography.

And I guess this concludes the Thanksgiving edition of my life without having gone into too much mundane (but wonderful) detail. That stuff I’ma keep to myself :)

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.

Love,

Glennis

Birthday Super-Eyes

I love surprises. LOVE them. However, I am hardly ever surprised because I always expect a surprise. On the other hand I guess you could say I'm surprised when I don't get a surprise after expecting one. Surprise pity party!

The best surprise I've pulled off was when Kelsey (the lil nutter) came to visit me for her 21st birthday. She didn't yet live in New York and didn't have any friends here but I wanted her to have an awesome birthday none the less. I devised a plan with my besties Marcy and Noni to fool her into thinking I was throwing a surprise party with the three of us at my apartment. I went all out (I think I even made a cake…which is a lot for me - I'm pretty sure it was disgusting) bought balloons, streamers, party hats…the whole nine. Kelsey showed up and with all the lights on we said "surprise" and sat down pretending that was it. I mean, a trip to NY and time with ME for your birthday… not bad. But your 21st? Takin it down to Lamestown, y'all. So after about an hour of cake eating (suffering) and gift opening I said "let's go downstairs to your first bar as a 21 year old (I mean ever)!" I lived over on 21st and 3rd and there are as many bars over there as there are douchebags to fill them up. So we headed down, Kelsey in her princess crown, to get in some of-age drinking. As we're walking down there street a limo is parked on the corner. I say to Kelsey, "how much will you give me if I jump in the back of that limo." She looks at me like I'm crazy and rolls her eyes. I say no no really how much! "Nothing! Don't do that!" she replies as she sees that mischievous glint in my eyes. I say "I'm gonna do it" and run over to the limo, hop in the back all the while Kelsey's standing there in her pretty little crown thinking I'm going to jail on her birthday. From inside I roll down the window and say "Happy Birthday Kelsey! This limo's for you!" She ran over, hopped inside and we drank for 3 straight hours while the driver circled Manhattan. Trips through Times Square meant screaming out the window "I'm famous!" and I'm pretty sure Kelsey had the best time ever.



Because I'm such a big fan of surprises I decided recently that I was going to throw Matthew a big one. I'd always wanted to do this in the past for certain people who shall not be named but those certain people wouldn't have enjoyed or appreciated it. So sit on it. Matthew is one of those people who is not only grateful for what you give him but enjoys every second of every minute of every day. I knew he'd love it.

His actual birthday was the 9th but because we went to his friend's cabin that weekend I had to wait until the following weekend.

The boy knew something was up. I am very bad at surprises when I'm afraid the person might become unavailable. And because he performs almost every night I feared he might be busy and the surprise would be sur-spoiled. While prepping for it I was talking to Liz online about how I wanted to make him a spidey cake (his fave superhero and mine) but that I knew I'd mess it up. In true bestie fashion Liz said "I'll do it. I love that stuff!" And proceeded to make the most amazing Spider Man cake maybe of all time? Can I say that having never had any other Spidey cakes? I think I can.

I told everyone to show up at 9pm but a few people arrived earlier to help me out. We got some booze, some mixers, some snacks and they hung some streamers. Everyone was in the house by 9:30 - the time Matt was scheduled to arrive. I told him some story about having plans with me and to wear a nice button-down (to throw him off the trail!) and said to meet me at my house.

Everyone's standing around chatting and suddenly the buzzer! And then the most hilarious 2 minutes took place. Everyone running back to my room, some staying in the kitchen, everyone screaming "what do we do!? What do we do!!? LIGHTS OFF OR ON!!?!? AHHHH!!!" while I screamed "Shh!! Shhh!!! ShhhhUT UP!!!" and buzzed him in.

He walked into a dark apartment slowly as I hid in the kitchen. When he got close to the door to the kitchen we FLIPPED ON THE LIGHTS AND SCREAMED "SURPRISE!!!!"

I thought the boy was going to have a heart attack. He must have jumped back two feet, his face turned bright red and he was in a daze for about 5 minutes after, all the while grinning from ear to ear. The rest of the night we partied down like it was going out of style, Matt inHALED Liz's cake ("Best. Cake. EVER!!") and fun times were had by all.

My favorite part aside from the surprise was the trick candles. But that's just because I'm a little stinker.





And thus concludes the two best surprises I've (kinda, sorta) pulled off. I'm pretty sure Matty knew what was going on but was a saint for playing along and putting on that nice button-down.

Who's next on Glennis' surprise road trip across life?? (ew) Maybe you?! Or you!? Or even, yes... even you.

Who knows.

Who knows.

Only time will tell.

I'm going to get oatmeal.

Have a great day. :)

Love,

Glennis

Doh! Show!

I almost forgot, you guys! I have a show tonight! A very special show! Shootin' The Shizz With Molly McFizz is back in your faces at UCB. Yes, I am doing it IN YOUR FACES. Whoa!

Here is the postcard and, consequentially, all the information. I hope you can make it! I love this show! It's fun and I play a 6-year-old.



Love,

Glennis

It's The First Step

If you ever hear me complain about money please smack the right side of my face ever so gently (that's my bad side - don't touch the left that's m'moneymaker) because as I speak there is a mountain of clothing sitting in my room awaiting laundering. Scratch that. Make it 3 mountains. A full range of mountains composed of shirts, undies, sexy doo dads and assorted capes and I reason myself out of taking the clothing to a professional to have them cleaned because it costs too much. And washing them myself is completely out of the question since I have very little free time on my hands and who wants to spend that time washing clothes?? It takes a good 2.5 - 3 hours to launder duds! Time that could be spent navigating the Gap Trail in my room! So what do I do? I shop. I buy something new for work the next day or something for an audition when I have 12-13 perfectly good options buried at the bottom of my laundry bag.

Now that's what I call lazy!

Liz was the one who dubbed my mess Clothes Mountain. Many a laugh was had speaking in our old prospector voices warning hikers of the dangers of "stocking pass" and "v-neck gulch." (Seriously I do a great old prospector voice. Ask me about it. I mean I won't do it for you but I'll confirm that the information I've just provided you with is true.)

So I'm taking the first step to fixing this problem: I'm admitting it. Yes. I admit I have a problem with keeping my life in order and more specifically my clothing. I admit I have clothes that I haven't touched in a good 5 years but hold on to "just in case I do another show where I need a petticoat." I admit that clothes mountain sometimes scares me in the middle of the night when I look over and think it's a little person version of jaba the hut.

If admitting it is the first step then perhaps then next obvious step is to believe that a power greater than me will restore me to sanity. (This AA stuff really works on everything guys. I'm just saying.) I guess in this case the power greater than me is Christopher Wash & Fold. I believe in you guys and your powerful starching ways.

So now I must make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of them as I understand them. Now this part could get a little tricky because I'm not sure I can turn my will AND my life over there. Sure, they can have control over my life…but my will? What if they decide it's time for me to die? Imagine the death that would come for me! Dried to death! Steam cleaned to oblivion! This is sounding more and more risky as it goes on!

I think next I need to list the people I've wronged or offended. So that's pretty much anyone who's ever been in my room. We'll start with Matt because he's dealt the brunt of the filth. Liz is the obvious next choice and then, going alphabetically: Amanda, Eliza, Erin, Giulia, Jeff H., Jeff K., Jeff M., Jen, John, Kate, Katina, Margot, Shelly, Sue, Wendy… just to name a few. Sorry you guys. I'm sorry my clothing hurt or offended you.

Ug this is exhausting. I'm tired of making this list. I'd rather be doing anything but this right now. ANYTHING. Even…

(streaming light through clouds, angelic singing)

LAUNDRY!

I've done it! I've broken the chain! I know how to quit drinking! I mean… do my laundry. Yeeaaah that's the ticket.

Thanks so much for your help Glennis. I don't know what I'd do without you and this personal intervention. You really do care about me sometimes even if you continue to go outside in that awful poncho.

12 steps, shmelve steps.

Have a great day.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Is it obvious I really did grow tire of this post 1/2-way through? LAZY TO THE BONE.

Cracka' Dawn

Who woke up at 6am and went to the gym!?! Wait, no wait… back it up mofos! Who ironed her clothes last night, laid them out, went to bed at a semi-decent hour (even if I couldn't get to sleep for a while) and THEN woke up at 6am!? This gal! Right here! That's me!

And I feel amazing.

The acupuncture the other day got me thinking about how happy I used to be. 6 or so years ago when I was living in Brooklyn with my ex-fiance (fiance… imagine?), 22 years old, worked in an office (actually this office… good god), did some improv and got up every goddamn morning to work out. I lugged a backpack the size of that little Chris Farley girl in the email 400 people have forwarded me every_single_morning. Sometimes I'd go 6 days a week. Sometimes 7. It might have become a tiny bit of an obsession but I lost nearly 50 lbs and I felt amazing. I had more confidence and, had I been having sex, I'm sure it would have been amazing. Heyooo.

I also took a vitamin this morning. I know. Call the crash cart cuz I think you just had a heart attack.

None of this might sound like cause for celebration except for the fact that I'm a) very lazy and b) really super lazy. Some people's natural inclination is to go out and hike. Run around. Play soccer. I like watching TV and stuffing my face with fried goods. I used be able to eat a whole pizza. Alone. ALONE. That is gross. (And sad.) So getting up and getting motivated is hard for me which sounds crazy since I have a million things going on at any given moment… I think that's due to a fear of being left behind rather than get-up-and-go.

So yes. I am proud of myself for getting up this morning. And you should be proud of me, too. Specifically if you have to hear me whine about being tired on gchat, the phone, via email or in person. Lazy & whiny. And I'm still not married?! What!?

Hope you're all kicking ass today too.

Love,

Glennis

Hardcore Mick

I knew I was Irish but today I confirmed just how Irish I am.

You guys know how much I hate my office, yes? You know how much anger, frustration, depression and outright poopiness they have caused me, right? Today (after hand-addressing each envelope...by hand. With my hands. BY. HAND.) I sent out the holiday party invites. As one of the nicer people in the office came to compliment me on my penmanship (and crippled little limbs) she asked if I was going to the party. I laughed involuntarily right in her face. It was like a sneeze. The thought of me attending a party with a bunch of people I hate for a company I could care less about really just got my goat!

And then she said three little words that could possibly change my life forever.

MASHED POTATO BAR

Um...

Maybe you didn't hear me. I SAID MASHED POTATO BAR. MOTHER. FUCKERS. CAN YA DIG!?

That coupled with Free Booze are the only two things that will get me to that party. Bona Fide Irish.

I mean... I know. It's a terrible idea. I will get drunk and I will be friendly with people. And they will talk to me... and look me in the eyes. And I will get my hopes up that these are decent, kind people and it's not just the alcohol talking, and then I will go to work the next day and it will all be the same. Condescending little cunts.

So in summation I'd like to say: Remember when the company didn't have enough money to give me more than a 3% raise? Remember when that happened the last oh.. what was it... 5 years? Well, consider my raise mashed, y'all.

Oh man I love stupid companies with lots of money.

Bling bling!

I need to stop typing. I have made my point.

Have a good night.

Love,

Glennis

On Pins & Needles

Anticipation. Excitement. Dread. Fear. Worry. Regret. Pain. Anger. Tears. Relief. Exhaustion.

Yesterday I went to get acupuncture for the first time ever. My dearie dearest sweet pal Becky swears by it and after Eliza went, loved it, told me they asked questions about crazy dreams and said "you must go!" I went! I'm very easily convinced of things. Just ask anyone who knew me when I lived in Bangkok.

But here's the thing, guys. It was one of those situations where I was like "awesome! I'm totally going to do this!" and then I got there and I was like "oh my god I'm going to do this." Which is pretty much how I think I'd handle most situations that require you to think a thing through before committing to it. God forbid I'm ever given a sky diving lesson as a present. How late is too late to back out of something like that? Mid-flight?

So I'm sitting in the office filling out the extensive questionnaire and I'm fine. The doctor is sweet and gentle and quiet and I immediately like her. I go in the room and we sit and talk. And suddenly something hits me. I don't know what it was exactly but it must have been related to the fact that she was asking me questions about myself. Questions that only I would know the answer to. Stuff that I'd have to have paid close attention to my body to know. And some stuff I just had never thought of. And I started to get really sad. But as is the Glennis fashion I pretended like everything was fine, put on a smile, pretended not to be nervous as hell as to how I was going to react to having tiny needles thrust into my skin… I pretend a lot. It's not good. We know this. We're trying to stop this, I swear.

So I'm smiling. She asks me if I'm nervous and blurt out "YES!" (See? I'm trying.) Showing weakness is hard for me. I might as well be a goddamn Stepford Wife. (I'm very attracted to the role of Bree on Desperate Housewives… and I hate myself for that. I'm kidding. Kinda.)

Anyway.

She says it's perfectly normal that I'm feeling nervous and, with my shoes & socks off, pants rolled up and tiniest bit of stomach exposed, she gets to work. The first pin goes into my right leg. Nothing too painful. She's asking me how I'm feeling the whole time and telling me that the spots on my achilles tendon are good for sleep (...the whole reason I went. Did I fail to mention that? Sleep and stress.) And when she puts a needle in below my knee somewhere on my leg and a pain shoots down my leg into my middle toe and I react and she says "Good. That's a good sign. That area is for stress." Two in each arm near the wrist. Two in my head where my unicorn horn might be. One sat right smack dab in the middle of my cleavage, and one in my stomach. And there I lay. A human pin cushion who had not thought the depth and the seriousness of acupuncture through and who was now a tiny bit freaked out.

The doctor told me she was going to leave the room for about 20 minutes. She turned out the light after checking that I was ok one last time, and closed the door.

And I started crying. I couldn't stop it. Just like I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks and filling up my ears. I started freaking out about crying. What was I crying about? Was it from the needles? My mind started racing. Of course. I couldn't just lie there crying and let it happen. I had to be in control of this!! I had to stop this!! Tears are a sign of weakness! I couldn't wipe my eyes because of the needles in my arms and I was miserable. A few minutes later the doctor opened the door and asked if I was ok. I cheerily said (practically shouted) "YES! FINE!!" and she was on to me, people! I mean of course she was. She said "it seems like you're wide awake and alert. Are you ok?" I told her I was having trouble relaxing. I was freaking out a little feeling so raw and emotional and yes, I told her I started crying. She gently came in and reassured me that I should let it all out. She put two needles in each ear to calm my mind, touched my arm and asked me if I was ok, and left the room again.

And the tears started again. This time even worse and this time I started freaking out because I wondered what would happen if the tears got into the needle holes! Oh good god! Not that!!! Not SALT WATER!!! GOD NOOOOOOO!!!!

And then I started laughing. Just a little bit. Because, come on guys, I'm ridiculous. I would worry about breathing if it didn't happen naturally!! I'm surprised I haven't, quite honestly! Why haven't I laid awake nights worrying I might stop breathing!? I mean I really am crazy. It's a miracle Matt doesn't want to push me down stairs the way I fret about this and that. He's amazing. Supportive. Wonderful. So patient.

But I'm getting off subject. I finally did relax and stopped crying toward the end of my 20 minutes of peace. And she came in, took the needles out, told me I could sit up and gave me a tissue. I cried a little bit more about how amazing an experience that was and I saw her get a little teary too. I don't know why but that really made me feel better.

I walked out of the office feeling calm, peaceful, relaxed, the most I'd felt that way in years. I made a vow to stick to the stuff we had spoken about and looked forward to our appointment on Monday.

Eliza had said the relaxed feeling could last up to a week and I think it might have but I went to therapy a few hours after and kind of snapped back to reality, unfortunately. Not unfortunately because it was a good session… but that relaxed feeling really was something I hadn't felt in a long time. I'm excited for the next time.

In other "pins & needles" news… we had the screening for the Electric Company last night. Party screening part wrap party. I was so nervous/excited/stressed to see the pilot but honestly it was SO amazing! It looked wonderful, everyone is fantastic in it and, if I do say so myself, I think we've got a hit on our hands. We look cool but not like we're trying to be cool and dudes… Shockwave is the best part of it. Kids are going to want to BE HIM. So wonderful!! It was also just great hanging out with the people who worked on it. Meeting the people who edited it and worked after all the shooting was wrapped. It's such an amazing group of people… equal parts fun, business and all talent. Can't wait till we start shooting again!!!

And I guess on that note I've got to get back to another pin… erm pen. I'm at work. Sigh.

Have a great day!!!

Love,

Glennis

Through with You!

Oh New York. I love you! I really really love you more than any other living place in the world! Well, that I've been anyway. Which is not a lot. But lately, New York. Lately! You have been wearing my little body down! Mostly it's your transportation. For instance, New York, why come no cabbies here know how to get to my house in the Willage? Is it because I say Willage? I'll stop.

Don't interrupt me, NEW YORK! Dammit. Listen, I'm not breaking up with you. I just think we need a break.

(I just realized I'm turning this post into a "NY is my boyfriend and we're taking a break" post and that's probably been done a million times but please...bear with me here. I'm tired and cranky and STILL COUGHING)

So remember the other night when I did a show at UCB and I was sick and tired and could barely talk let alone sing and all I wanted to do was go home and it was 11pm and you got me that taxi to go home? And then remember when I looked down to call someone on my phone and the taxi was passing 9th Avenue and going to the WEST SIDE HIGHWAY? Do you remember that? No!? No!? I bet you'd remember if I had my TITS HANGING OUT.

Sorry. I didn't mean to yell.

It's just...well why would he take the West Side Highway?? Like that makes no sense since you have to go back in on 14th Street and take Washingtown down and all I'm saying is there was construction and the dude should have known, once we hit construction once, not to go back IN THE SAME DIRECTION.

So yeah. I spent $11 on a cab that dropped me off 9 blocks from my house. NYC blocks.

New York!! Why would you do that to me!?

And then why would you make me stand on the platform for 20 minutes this morning waiting for a train making me late when I'd left my house with plenty of time to get to where I was goin!? Why?

Do you see what I'm getting at?

We need a break.

So listen....

I'm gonna see another state this weekend.

It won't mean anything.

I'm mean I'll probably go down on it but you don't like that anyway.

Wait, that's weird. Why don't you like that?

Most states really...

No.

No. I'm not even going to go there.

I'll talk to you when I get back.

I still love you.

Love,

Glennis

Muci-next!

I just took Mucinex because I'm hacking up a lung and I feel like my nostrils are CAVERNOUS!! SERIOUSLY. This is freaking me out!! I have so much air passing through my nostrols I could definitely fit at least 3 Jimmy Deans up there!

Is this stuff making me high?!?

Oh wait, I just addressed 400 envelopes by hand with a silver sharpie. I literally just realized that.

Love,

Glennis

On the Radio. Ooh woaaooooh. On the Radio.

I know there are people out there who get insulted if they're included in something just because they are dating someone or friends with someone. Well folks, that ain't me! I'm like the Kathy Griffin of way-way-way underground comics who no one's ever heard of outside my small comic bubble in NY. I'LL TAKE ANY JOB. Even if it doesn't pay. A job is a job is a job. I'll suck di… ok wait… I won't take any job.

But honestly I'm just as flattered to get a job because the director saw me in something and sought me out as a job that my boyfriend got me because I'm his special lady and he knows he'll get some good hea… JESUS. Sorry. This is making me sound really whorish.

So last night Becky and I did the Maxim Sirius Radio show and it was AWESOME. Becky was recommended to them by her friend Adira and was told she could bring someone along and she chose ME! I was beyond flattered because I think Becky is one of the most talented ladies I know. One of those people who thinks outside the box and always makes me laugh. Just love her.

We talked for an hour on the show about dicks and dudes and what not to say on the first date and how long you wait to have sex with someone (coupla hours, amirite?) and it was SO fun. Talked to a few callers or really just kind of talked about what they were calling in about. The time flew, Becky drank some v2 vodka and I had the biggest tea known to man and coughed during the commercial breaks.

This all made me want to get a job in radio! I loved sitting in the studio bantering with the hosts (DeVore and Diana are AWESOME hosts. Adorable and talented and hilarious!!) and listening to callers and oh man I loved it! Get me a job in radio, please!

Here's a picture from our adventures. Adorable little spitfires aren't we?



Oh! And right before us in the studio was Lisa Lampinelli! I mean, I don't want to be all technical and shit but technically she opened for us. I'm just saying.

I hope we can get a copy of the show and post it as some point. Yama's boyfriend heard it and said it was funny. But he might have said that because he wanted B to touch his D.

Have a great day!!

Love,

Glennis

Siriusly, Guys!

Hey guys!

Guess what? You can listen for me and the amazing talent Becky Yamamoto on the radio tonight! We'll be appearing at 10pm on Maxim Sirius Radio on the DeVore & Diana show as part of the theme of the week: Funny Females! Hey now! Look at that! Not too shabby! Hoo-Hooooooo!!

Hope I don't a) go into a coughing fit and have to leave the studio, b) freak out that I'm on the radio and start over-enunciating everything or c) fart. Wait no I hope I do fart. That would be hilars. Especially with Yamamama in the room. Girl loves talkin 'bout farts.

Here's what the Sirius site says about the hosts:

DeVore and Diana
Eighty proof radio for men who love women, and the women who put up with their crap. Join former Maxim magazine Senior Writer John DeVore and the first lady of Maxim Radio, Diana Falzone, Monday through Friday, 7 pm to 11 pm ET. John loves calling bull@#! on stuck up bastards, and Diana's a multi-talented hottie with an angel's voice and a dirty twinkle in her eye. Crack a beer, bring an opinion, and hang with these two every night as they fight, laugh, make-up, and talk from the gut about sex, relationships, pop culture, and the weirdest, most disturbing news of the day.

YES PLEASE!!

"See" you tonight!

Love,

Glennis

The Next Stop is the Eastsiiiiide Mote-e-e-e-l

Fucking LOVE THIS SONG. Listened to it the other night with my homies and it was like blast from the past and now I have this fantasy that every time I'm with my peeps and I yell out "REGULATORS!" they'll answer with "MOUNT UP!"

I don't ask for much. But I know I love you. Wait, I'm mixing my songs.

Sit back, roll a fatty and remember the good old days. Wuuuurd.

REGULATOR by WARREN G

G:
Regulators
we regulate any stealing of his property
and we're damn good too
But you can't be any geek off the street,
gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!
REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!

G:
It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume
some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk
just rollin in my ride, chillin all alone

Nate:
Just hit the Eastside of the LBC
on a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.
Seen a car full of girls ain't no need to tweak
all you skirts know what's up with 213

G:
So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis
some brothas shootin dice so I said "Let's do this"
I jumped out the ride, and said "What's up?"
some brothas pulled some gats so I said "I'm stuck."

Nate:
Since these girls peepin me I'ma glide and swerve
these hookers lookin so hard they straight hit the curb
Won'tcha think of better things than some horny tricks
I see my homey had some suckas all in his mix

G:
I'm gettin jacked, I'm breakin myself
I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth
they took my rings, they took my rolex
I looked at the brotha said "Damn, what's next?"

Nate:
They got my homey hemmed up and they all around
ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound
They wanna come up real quick before they start to clown
I best pull out my strap and lay them busters down

G:
They got guns to my head
I think I'm going down
I can't believe this happenin in my own town
If I had wings I would fly
let me contemplate
I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate

Nate:
Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole
Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold
now they droppin and yellin
it's a tad bit late
Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

I laid all them busters down
I let my gat explode
now I'm switching my mind back into freak mode
if you want skirts sit back and observe
I just left a gang of those over there on the curb

G:
Now Nate got the freaks
and that's a known fact
before I got jacked I was on the same track
back up back up cause it's on
N A T E and me
the Warren to the G

Nate:
Just like I thought
they were in the same spot
in need of some desperate help
the Nate Dogg and the G-child
were in need of something else
one of them dames was sexy as hell
I said "ooo I like your size."
she said "my car's broke down and you seem real nice,
would ya let me ride?"
I got a car full of girls and it's going real swell
the next stop is the Eastside Motel

G:
I'm tweaking
into a whole new era
G-Funk
step to this
I dare ya
Funk
on a whole new level

Nate:
the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble

G:
Chords
Strings
We brings
Melody
G-Funk
where rhythm is life
and life is rhythm

Nate:
If you know I´ll got know
you don't wanna step to this
It's the G-Funk era
funked out with a gangsta twist
if you smoke like I smoke
then you high like everyday
and if your ass is a buster
213 will regulate

Mount up, homies. Mount up.

Love,

Glennis

Bronchsma

Well, it's official. I went to the doctor today and I have bronchitis. So anyone who's seen me sing within the past two days and left with feeling that I am indeed the most amazing performer you've ever seen, you should now find yourself doubly impressed! I had bronchitis!

Doc listened to my lungs. A lot. Got me worried. He kept having me breath in, blow out, breath in, blow out and then say "EEEEEEEE" over and over (hey that's how I sound during sex!) and all I could think was "oh my god. I have lung cancer." Why would I think such a thing. Clearly I'm insane. Haven't we realized that?

After telling me it sounds like I have asthmatic lungs (!!!) he sends me upstairs to blow into this tube to measure the force behind my breath. It's more fun blowing out candles, I tell him, but he insists I blow into a plastic tube. Whatever party pooper. So I do. And it sucks (blows) and it's hard cuz I CAN'T BREATH but the doctor looks at my results and says I don't have asthma. Phew!

How many times can I be sick in one year, you guys!!?! And my boss has no sympathy for me at all. Not an inch, not a smidge even though I'm sitting here hacking up a lung and I look like death.

Whatever!! I've got my z-pack and my musinex and you can eat a bag of snot, creep!! I hope this whole office gets Bronchitis.

Speaking of... my office is having a client appreciation party today and we spent $5,000 on flowers. Last year I got a 3% raise. EAT ME HARD, OFFICE.

Love,

Glennis

A Little Sympathy for the Struggling Actor

Things have been a little rough over at the old 9-5 lately. Accusations, Disney figurines, tears, and threatened quitting and yet I'm still sitting here at 8:30 in the morning on a Thursday which is technically my Friday which leads me right back to why I'm still here.

I am that rare NY actress who's had the same boring desk job for 6 year. SIX YEARS PEOPLE. That's a lot of hours clocked in perfecting this pancake of an ass I have. (Haven't noticed? Check it out next time you see me. I don't mind!) The reason I've had this job so long is because of my golden handcuffs. I work 30 hrs a week in 3 days, have a 4 day weekend, receive benefits and vacation days and can leave for auditions. It's a sweet deal!! I appreciate that deal! I really do! What I don’t appreciate is everything that comes with it.

How do you explain to someone who lives and breaths for this company that you're trying your best? That you have an entire other office of people who expect you to be places when they tell you to be there. To make them money. To book that job or at least show up to audition for that job. And I love auditioning. I love booking jobs. I love it! But I hate the process of auditioning while trying to hold down a day job. I blame my shingles and the fact that I now have bronchitis on the damn stress of it all! Leaving the office with just enough time to make it to your audition on time (assuming the trains run on schedule) while not leaving too early so as not to be away from the office too long. Arriving for your audition most often to find a room full of people waiting to go in as well. How long has everyone been waiting?? You sign in, sit down, read your copy while paying attention to how long each person is spending in the room. 10 minutes average time 5 people… shit! And that's before I even audition and head back to the office! Check the time again. HOW CAN 20 MINUTES HAVE GONE BY SINCE I GOT HERE AND I'M NO CLOSER!?! Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. Come on! Fucking hurry up!!! What the fuck is taking so long!?! Jesus christ ok calm down. Read your copy again. Wait… there's nothing to read…it's all an explanation of a scenario of how crazy it is when friends hang out and eat chips together. FUCK! Ok shit ok 3 more people in front of me. Maybe I should just leave. I don't really NEED this audition. I probably won't even get this job. What's the point. I never get any of these jobs! Shit… no that's exactly why I don't. Relax. Think positively. Oh my god why the fuck has this dumb bitch been in that room for 12 minutes?! Is she blowing the casting director!!? Come on!!! Ok… she's out. Doesn't smell like a BJ. I'll let her off. "See you later, Gertrude! Great to see you!" Slut. Fucking slut probably blew the CD to get the job. Ok my turn is coming up. Get your size card. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SIZE CARD. Oh my god I hate filling this shit out. Same shit every audition. My name! They called my name! Sweet salvation I'm going in!! Tell others of my story!! Ok I'm in the room. Let's get this shit done. Yes. Yes, I realize I'm hanging out with my friends eating chips. I've done that before. I get it. Yes. I know how to look confused. Jesus christ do you want to audition for this commercial? I mean why don't I get behind the camera and YOU can audition since clearly you're dying for this part since you've explained it to me 14 times already! OMG COME ON!!! Just let me do it please! PLEASE!!! Oh fuck this shit. Fuck it all. And I'm sure the inner monologue that's going through my head the entire time I'm in the room is clear upon my face. Which probably hinders my ability to honestly look like I'm hanging with friends eating chips. Which in turn makes the client go "NEXT" when seeing my audition. Which in turn makes me want to put a gun to my head because if I can't be relaxed when I'm auditioning then what is the point? AMIRITE PEOPLE!?!

So if it's so stressful and you hate it so much why not quit? Well it's all a part of the process. We audition for commercials for practice, for the money, and for every one in a million people who get a truly funny national commercial, a little bit of recognition. (Or a sitcom spin off…whatevs.) It's not easy and yet it's the easiest thing in the world.

But try explaining all this to a woman yelling at you about being gone from the office and taking advantage of this cushy situation they've set up for you. Maybe I do push the envelope here. Maybe I'm not the best worker in the world. Maybe I do have other things on my mind. But I'm trying to stay afloat here people. I'm trying to get two jobs done without anyone noticing that I'm freaking out about how to balance the rest of the shows, people and family issues in my life.

That being said… let's face it. I don't have much to complain about. I have a really good life and I try to appreciate it as much as I can. Matt is great at helping me calm down and try to be in the moment. He's one of those "whatever happens, happens" people. Like The Dude. And he hates The freakin Eagles, man. So I can learn a lot from him.

I moved to NY with $500 and 5 suitcases and 10 years later I'm still here. If that doesn't teach me that everything turns out ok in the end then I don't know what will.

Stop whining, McMurray. You have an audition in half an hour.

Love,

Glennis

(Ew was that the most self-indulgent blog post ever? Yeah like you have anything better to do between YOUR auditions than read my blog while you sit at your shitty office job. Please. I know my demographic!!)

(PS - If anyone out there has experience in PR let me know. I wanna pick your brain. I'll make it worth your time. You get to hang out with MEEEEE!!! I am AWESOME!!!! AND I SMELL LIKE SUGAR!!! Email me.)