Wednesday, June 14, 2006

What a Dump

There's a constant struggle at work and it's all goin down in brown town. i.e. The Bathroom.

I like to call it the Poop Battle.

It happens, we've all had to do it, and sometimes it's easy. But sometimes it ain't. And I'm not talkin "too much oatmeal," either. There are people who either take crazy dumps at work or make it hard for you to take one and I've given them all names.

"The Waiter"
This is the woman who wants to poop in solitude so she sits silently in the stall until everyone has left. I often become this woman and when faced with another "waiter" find myself in a TRUE poop battle. Who can wait the longest! I usually lose when my legs start to go numb and it becomes creepy that there are two grown women sitting on toilets at thier place of business waiting to take a dump. So I get up and leave, going upstairs to another bathroom to, hopefully, poop alone.

"Noisy Nelly"
Noisy Neillies are usually of the older variety. No shame, no worries, whatevs, poop it up. They head in the bathroom and no matter who is in there, and who they have to face after they come out of the stall, they take a crap and let it fly. And it's LOUD. Squirting, tooting, squeaking, dumping, plopping, STRAINING, GRUNTING. It's a regular symphony! I sincerelly hope I never become a Noisy Nelly but I have a sneaking suspission I will.

"Flushing Queens"
These are the people who just can't wait to poop alone and so, to avoid becoming a "Noisy Nelly" procede to flush every time they let one loose. It's not fooling anyone, but I don't think they care.

"Butt Juice"
I'm pretty sure there are people who have such juicy poop that it sounds like they are peeing. That is pretty disgusting but, come on, we're being frank today. We're being FRANK!!

"Hummer Magee"
Hummer Magee's find so much pleasure in dropping one off at work they whistle or hum throughout. One woman in my office hums "Everything's Coming Up Roses" every time she poohs. I think it's really funny because if she were pooping into the dirt everything WOULD be coming up roses!!

Stankertons have the stinkiest poops ever. That's it. They just stiiiiiink. Oh and sometimes Stankertons light matches which is nice but almost makes it that much funnier. Why is pooping so funny, people!

"Deer John"
Deer Johns are people who have rapid gun-fire poops that sound like they are pooping deer pellets. This, I also find really funny.

Ok, I think that's it. I'm sure you all have more, so feel free to post them!



Liz said...

Ohhhh Glennis. You write the truth. At my old office, Waiters prevailed, though I'd like to add Concealers (cousins of the Flushing Queens) to this mix - people who cough, rustle toilet paper, blow the nose and otherwise try to conceal their splashes. Also a pet peeve are those women who obviously disregard the fact that you are trying to squeeze one out and spend eons re-applying makeup, combing hair or chatting, making you self conscious that you're currently ridding your body of waste and yeah, it's something best done in private.

Lynn said...

What do you think about the technique of pooping into a piece of toilet paper and then gently dropping it into the toilet to avoid noise?

...just asking.

Glennis said...

I think that is possibly the funniest thing ever written in all of time.

That's what I think.

bristahsouljah said...

I HATE Hummer Magee. I'm also none to fond of "Ma Bell" who brings her phone into the stall with her and yaps it up.

I'm thinking of printing this post up and leaving it in corporate bathrooms all over NY.

Glennis said...

Holy crap, I forgot about Ma Bell! HATE her... why do you think it's ok to talk on the phone at work in the crapper. Although, last night on "The Hills," Heidi went in to the bathroom at work and sat down to talk on her phone. All we saw were her feet and no pants around her ankles so I think she was either peeing or just sitting on the seat with pants on. Which is weird either way.

ari said...


i'm a "flushing queen." and i have to admit... i enjoy making the "waiters" potentially uncomfortable by taking... my... sweet... time... washing... my... hands... and... stuff... maybe it's mean. i don't care.