Thursday, June 22, 2006

I Heart Commercials, NY

As any young, hip, with-it, twenty-something today, I'd love to give my 2 cents on movies out there; what you should see, what you should skip, what you should see so you can make a point by walking out mid Keanu Reeves monotonelinedeliverymeepmopmoop (I mean, seriously? The Boat House? He's seriously still doing non-science fiction movies that require emotion?!?). But, unlike my savvy 'haiku review' friend, a writer I ain't. At least not by movie reviewing standards. Technically, I am a writer as I write stuff almost every day. Emails, blogs, hate mail to myself. ("Glennis! Pick up the towels after you take a shower you dirty ho!")

But one thing I do know is a good commercial. Or a bad one, at that. So let's talk commercials, people.

A lot of my least favorite commercials are on in the morning while I watch NY1 (speaking of NY1 did you guys see Roger Clark this morning talking about the city wanting to reduce the number of fast food restaurants? Brillz. First he interviews some weird looking bald dude about it, then says, "do you remember the movie 'Mannequin'?" Then he calls himself fat, then Pat tells him to go eat a hamburger. I mean... I can't get enough! Are the NY1 head honchos watching this stuff!!? If so, we love it!)


My first least favorite commercial I've already discussed here. The car service with 4 ladies trying their hardest to be "Sex & The City" types. It's literally on every 1/2 hour, every morning, of every day. The saddest part about the commercial, I've come to realize, is that it was almost definitely a non-union gig so the ladies are probably getting zilch. Oh no wait... the saddest part is how it makes me want to stick sharp things up my nose. Is that the saying?

Ok so my next least favorite commercial is by Direct TV. A man working at the call center is on the phone with what we can only assume is a very satisfied customer. The employee says something like, "Yes I got it, I'm opening it now Mr. Henny. Oh. Wow. It's a tv made out of popsicle sticks." He's got this really nasty "I hate you and I hate this TV and I hate life" attitude and when he asks another co-worker what she got (she happily holds up her sweater with a remote control on the front) he then shoo's her off and gets all annoyed. You asked her, bitch! I hate this commercial because the dude is WAY too pissed off. It just doesn't make sense. Are you telling us that if we love Direct TV so much we want to send you a gift you're going to hate us? Well I don't know about you, readers, but I say NO THANK YOU, DIRECT TV!

My next least favorite commercial is one that my boyfriend absolutely LOVES. I'm sure, if you're in NY, you've seen it. It's to help NYers quit smoking and it shows a man taking a shower, then cleaning out his voice box hole in his throat. The voice over is all in that robot, mechanical voice and he's still got his Spanish accent. I hate the commercial because I love it so much. Watching someone clean out their throat hole with a q-tip? Are you kidding me? Heaven on Earth! I wish I was kidding. Honestly, I feel a little dirty that I love it that much.

"Nothing will ever be the same again. Not even the simple things."

A commercial I LOVE is also for some sort of TV service (must not be that good if I can't remember what it's for). A girl is carrying groceries into her house and the man who lives next door says, "My mom has a red car like that." The girl replies, "Really??" all excited. Then the dude goes, "But she doesn't have red hair like you." The girl says, "My mom does." It's real creepy flirty and perfectly done. Then the guy says, "Welcome to the neighborhood." And they go in their houses. Cut to: later that night. The girl is in her room, by her bedroom window and about to take off her bra when she looks out to see what? THE GUY FROM NEXT DOOR ON HIS ROOF WATCHING HER! She screams and closes the curtains and the guy yells, "NO! MY TV WENT OUT! MY TV WENT OUT! My TV went out" as the rain pours down and he clutches the stupid satellite on his roof that caused this whole mess. LOVE. IT. I love when things are a little creepy like that.

A few more things before I go.

You know when you're eating a fruit salad and you save one piece of fruit you really love (like a strawberry, kiwi or pineapple) till the very end so that can be your last bite and you'll have that lingering awesome taste in your mouth? And you eat the whole salad, including the stupid cantaloupe (does anyone even LIKE cantaloupe anymore?? I nominate (the teaches of) peaches as the new cantaloupe!) and you're so excited because your last bite is just sitting there waiting for you to enjoy it. It wants you to eat it! It's ready to be consumed! And so, very gingerly, you take that last piece of fruit on your fork and place it in your mouth. And it tastes like SHIT. Screw you salad!

You win this round... but oh when we meet again!!!

Also, let's discuss this "Fabulash" mascara I keep hearing about. Love the word (FABULASH. FAAAAABULASH. Marcy and I literally said that every other word for a weekend.) but I'm skeptical. Every time I try a new brand of mascara and stray from my good old pink and green, I'm sorry. BUT, Fabulash is fun to say and it does kick my pink and green to the curb, so I thought, "what they hey, I'll give it a try." And boy was I sorry! Fabulash?? More like Crapulash! Pink and Green... will you ever forgive me? Let's make up/out.

So in review:


dyna said...

There's a sequel to the qtip-neckhole-man where he complains that he can't go swimming anymore. It's more sad and than gross.

Snow White said...

#1 I like cantaloupe.

#2 You might want to try the new Lash Exact mascara. Just don't try the new Maybelline one with the comb...I got the waterproof version and though it makes my lashes look fabulous it takes 3 days to come can soak your lashes in baby oil and that stuff STILL won't come off.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to the incredibly smart and oh so sexy Alton Brown, I recently learned that there is rarely such thing as a REAL cantaloupe in the United States. The thing we call a cantaloupe is actually a musk melon. Guess someone decided that name wouldn't be a big seller.

So not only is it gross but it is an imposter! Bleck!

Kelsey :)