Thursday, June 01, 2006

Heavy Hearted

I've tried writing this post like 20 times. Deleting, reconsidering, deleting, regretting the deleting. I just don't know why on earth I want to write about it in a blog aimed at... well NOT heavy hearted issues (aside from the occassional Oprah cry and homeless story). But something keeps wanting me to write about it so I'm gonna.

First of all, there's just so much that goes along with someone in your family being sick. It's my dad, he has Alzheimers. He's only like 60 years old you guys. So yes, lots of people deal with that and much worse but right now this is it for me and it's... it's kind of making me crazy. (You should see my fingernails... nubs.)

I love my dad. I love him like a daughter loves a father. But on that note, he was not a very good dad. He was nice, he never raised a hand to us, but he wasn't there a lot. So there's that.

And now he's sick. And he refuses to get help. And he's being mean to his sister who is being and angel, offering to build him his own apartment if he'll only STAY in North Carolina with her and my uncle. Just so they can take care of him. So he doesn't go in a home.

So here are the things that run through my head about 24 hours a day (and more so on days where everyone calls me to "DO SOMETHING" which is almost every day).

I'm only fucking 27. What am I supposed to do!
I am a terrible daughter. A GOOD daughter would give up their life and move to Durango and take care of their father. Who cares if he wasn't there. He is my father.
I am raising money for Leukemia and Lymphoma and NOT Alzheimers. I am a terrible person.
Please stop calling me. Please. I don't know what to do. I don't care any more! I DON'T CARE!!!
I can't talk to dad. It's to sad. I can't hear him struggle to remember someone's name or get lost 1/2 way through a thought.
He's so small. He's so weak. He needs my help. I love you dad. I want to help you.

My mom and dad are divorced but remain really close. Even when she remarried, they're all great friends. But my mom has a new life. She can't be relied on to take care of my dad. It's not fair. And she's moving to New Mexico.

All my dad wants more than anything in the world is to ignore that he's sick and move back to Durango. How do I make him realize he can't do that. My aunt is doing what she can.

And now they want me to go to North Carolina to be with him during his doc's appt at the VA clinic.

So I'm a terrible daughter if I don't go.

Jesus. Why am I writing this all in a blog! This is stupid. Maybe I'll delete this or maybe I'll just...

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