Karaoke Dreams Do Come True

People I'm proud to bring you the news that I have officially started as a bartender on Tuesday nights at New York's best karaoke haunt... PLANET ROSE!

I start at 8pm and go till 2:30 so stop by, drink with me, keep me company and above all SING. I will back up your songs with beautiful harmonies while pouring you fancy drinks like vodka/soda and rum/coke.

Is this a dream come true for yours truly?

Yes, Yes it is.



See you there!

xoxo

Glennis

PS - Planet Rose is located at 14th Street and Avenue A (take the L to 1st) right next to Mozzarella's Pizza.

Let's sing!

The Best of Intentions

Guys, I just...

I just don't understand it.

There are people out there who I'm sure get invitations to their cousin's wedding and in their mind they think "oh lovely. a wedding. what fun this shall be." and they pick out a dress and the dress is stunning and they dance and act merry and end the night wrapped in a blanket of dignity and champagne.

And then there are people like me. I just don't know where I go wrong you guys. I have the best of intentions and yet things just go down the pooper for me. I mean I really do live my life in a sit-com.

Ah-for Example...

This past weekend I went up to New Hampshire for my cousin Emry's wedding. Emry is a McCliment and dammit I love the McCliments so much. I was especially excited because it was a mini family reunion of sorts seeing as all my Uncle Jim's brothers would be there, my cousin Sarah (whom I adore), and even some family I hadn't met! (My dad was the youngest of 14...there are a lot of us out there.) Not to mention the fact that the McCliments know how to drink. Which is why sometimes I secretly think I've got a little more "Climent" than "Murray" in me. So anyway, there was a lot of family and a lot of booze. And Glennis.

Usually when I go to weddings I borrow a dress from a friend (Liz) who has better taste than me (Liz/Kate/Eliza/everyone I know) but THIS time I found a dress. No... I found THE dress. The most awesome dress I'd ever seen and yet simple and elegant and so classy and fun. It was just perfect. And cheap! Yes... it was from H&M (because I hold stock in the store) and it only set me back $50. Pretty sweet deal, eh? But the best part of the outfit was the shoes... patent leather gray high heels. GORG. I was just like...what? Seriously? Someone climbed in my dusty mind and found the perfect shoes for me? Awesome. So the outfit was amazing and I was SO excited to slip into it and be elegant. Dammit I was going to be elegant! (This is foreshadowing...)

The day of the wedding my cousin Sarah (um guys... Sarah is maybe the most awesome chick ever. you don't even know.) and I went over to Emry's fiance's house to get ready with her and her family. I didn't know them at all but they graciously let me use their shower and ride along in the limo with them to the wedding. So lovely. So we're getting ready, we're all beautiful, I'm rushing around trying to stay out of their way, and they head outside to take pictures. Their house was on a sweet little sweet in New Hampshire with neighbors out admiring the super stretch limo sitting out front and the fancy ladies on the lawn. I stood to the side admiring the photo shoot with some other random people - the limo driver, someone's husband, a family friend - when all of the sudden A HUGE GUST OF WIND BLOWS MY DRESS STRAIGHT OVER MY HEAD. OVER. MY. HEAD. Now... here's the thing you guys. This dress didn't have a waste...it was sort of as if I pulled a skirt right up above my boobs and added a sleeveless top. Still can't see what I'm saying? Imagine I'm a picnic table and my dress is a table cloth and the wind is a TORNADO. So yeah...there was really nothing left to the imagination. In fact one of the guys standing by me said, "I'll have that mental picture. Forever." Dude. Your wife is right there. (Also...thank you.) I mean thank god I was wearing underwear but mother of god could I not have kept my waxing appointment before I left town?? Jesus. Soooo...yeah. I pretty much flashed my furry meow meow (oh my god please don't call it that ever again) to the entire wedding party.

After that we get in the limo (where I flashed people again because OF THAT DAMN DRESS) and head to the wedding. The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. The men in the party wore kilts which meant pretty soon I had some company in the flashing department! We all hopped in the limo after the wedding to take a little spin around New Hampshire and it was hilarious watching the boys (sans drawers) try to hide their junk. Oh except when they were hanging their asses out the window of the limo flashing passing drivers. God I love them. Seriously they are so much fun. My cousin Sarah even flashed a passing car with a dad, mom and kid in it and the dad mouthed to her "thank you." It was maybe the best moment ever. So funny.

So you're saying to yourself "your dress blew up? that's it? that's what all this fuss was about?" Oh loyal reader, how little you know me.

The reception of the wedding was awesome. They had a great band and so much dancing and so much wine and so much dancing and twirling (but only a little so as not to flash the small children on the floor) and so much fun. I even sang "The Man I Love" for Emry and Holly (a capella - eeps) because they had asked me to sing for the wedding but we ran out of time. They came over gave me the biggest hug after that...it was seriously such a great time. I can't even get over it. So anyway, yes I had much wine and much fun and I might have been a bit tipsy as we walked out to say good night. And I might have had a huge bag with me. And I might have been saying good-bye to a cute boy I'd been flirting with all weekend. So what?! You're saying YOU wouldn't have stumbled off the curb cutting a huge gash in your shin and bruising both of your legs to bloody hell?? Oh like you're so perfect Mr. Fancy Pants with your walking and your staying erect!

Seriously... I am still in pain you guys. My shin has a HUGE gash in it (that probably should have gotten stitches but instead got some sweet bandaging by my Aunt Jeanne) and I am BUSTED UP. Just in time for Summer! Yay! I honestly look like I got into an accident on a bike or something. And I didn't fall in front of a few family members I hadn't seen in ages...oh no. I fell in front of EVERYONE.

But guys... and this is about to get really sappy so just hold onto your cry-lenol (thanks for that one, Sarah)... I don't know if I've ever been surrounded by so many caring, loving awesome people at one time. The entire family at once made sure I was ok (rushing inside to get my tissues and paper towel) and made SO MUCH FUN OF ME for falling I almost died from over love. Over love? YES. OVER LOVE.

It's not that I haven't felt loved or cared for before in my life. I really can't explain it (I say as I'm sitting here getting teary thinking about this) but the kind of connection you can have with people who haven't seen you in 15-26 YEARS where they can make you feel like the most important person in the world WHILE making fun of you for being a total clutz... it's beyond compare.

I spent the whole rest of my trip dreading coming back to New York. It was the first time that has happened. I always look so forward to coming home. The minute I step off that plane/train I breath in the poopie New York air and smile. This is where I feel safe, happy, loved. But for the rest of the trip and still today all I can do is think about how amazing my family is and how much I wish we all lived on the same block in some town in America. Does that at ALL sound like me? I can tell ya, it don't.

Just before I wrote this my Uncle Jim called me to say the family was sitting on the deck of his pub (he owns J.D. McCliments in Putney, VT...tell them I sent you) wishing I was there. My heart!

I guess this post ended a little differently than I expected it to. I am beyond exhausted (having traveled for 6 hours yesterday, performed in a show, bar tended until 3am, slept for 3 1/2 hours and worked a 10-hour shift. Oh and then did dance dance party party. Beyond.) but I can't pull back on the cheese. Sorry guys. You're just gonna have to deal, bokay?

I'm not really sure how to end this post so I'll just say falling off that curb was the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

Have a great day on that porch, guys.

Love,

Glennis

PS - Seriously. Do not ever use the phrase "furry meow meow" again. I will cut you.

New Thing #1

As I've said here before, my pal Jen is doing a new thing every day for an entire year and blogging about it and the outcome is heartwarming, adorable and interesting. She even made her freakin face out of food at my suggestion!! She is awesome. So, following in her footsteps, I've been trying to do new things. Things that are outside my comfort zone. Sometimes I just think about them (riding a roller coaster at Coney Island) and sometimes...well, sometimes I actually do them. And this "sometime" was a week and a half ago at the Olive Garden.

I know what you're saying. What was a classy intelligent gal like myself doing eating at The OG when we live in a literal hot bead of Italian eateries (is it a "literal hot bed"? I don't know if that applies to this situation. It's my blog. It does.). Well I'll tell you, it was my dear friend Carrie's birthday and she loves The OG and damn it, aside from being overpriced, it wasn't half bad! But eating there wasn't my "new thing" because I've been there many a time before. I used to practically live there when my friend Lindy worked at the Times Square location. Just call me Unlimited Glennis! (a.k.a. MOOCH)

So anyway, we're sitting there eating and our waiter is adorable. I'm not going to go into details because it's FAR too embarrassing but basically I convinced myself that he was "into me" and asked him out. Or actually I should say I told him I'd show him around NY since he'd only been here for 4 months. What am I, a Cameron Diaz movie!? Yeah, he never called.

Oh god you guys it was so embarrassing.

I mean, wait it wasn't embarrassing...it was em...POWERING!

...bokay?

Gah. I'm such a losah.

I feel bad for you men out there! It must be hard being shot down, even just once, and sometimes we girls are ruthless! I mean the guy was nice, he took my number. So basically he lied. Glarp.

Maybe he really was gay like Dorian mused? Oh who cares.

Anyway this, dear readers, is why last night when Hammy and I were at Walker's in Tribeca getting our drink on and I developed a crush on the bartender I just kept my fat mouth shut. It just ain't worth it. At least for now. Also, I like that bar and would like to be able to go back without feeling retarded for asking someone out who clearly wasn't interested.

Oh I also lied a lot last night. Among the lies were that we were from Montana, that I was in advertising, that I created the H&M promo magazine I had with me, that Hammy and I were sisters, that I was talking to my dad on the phone at a bar crying about this and that while he had sex with my mom (what??) and that Jen's name was Jerrica. I loooove to liiiiiie when I'm druuuuuunk.

In other news, I went to see Ricky Gervais last night and he was SO ADORABLE. I wanted to shrink him down, put him in my pocket and take him home with me. I'm not sure what would have happened after that but it would have been adoooorable!

Well, I guess that's all from McMurray, y'all. I'm headed to Pinkberry for some pre-rehearsal froyo with Lin-Z. Lin-Z from Jem, y'all. LIZ BLACK. God. Do I have to spell everything out for you? (Just kidding. I love you.)

Oh and Jem has a date! June 25th!!! UCB Theatre! SAVE IT! THE DATE! FOR JEM!

YAY!!!

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis "Wanna Go Out With M...No? OK, cool" McMurray

My Dirty Secret

I have a dirty, dirty secret guys. It's not a small secret either. Well, it's not really a big secret if you want to be all technical about it. I guess you could call it a medium secret.

And that right there IS the secret.

That's right. I watch Medium on NBC. Not only do I watch this terrible show among terrible shows, I record it. Weekly.

If you look through my DVR scheduled recordings you'll find awesome things like "The Real World" and "My Super Sweet 16" and "Dr. 90210" but nothing is quite as shameful or awesome as Medium. At least the other shows I can explain away by pretending I'm obsessed with drama, spoiled twats or plastic surgery. There is absolutely nothing I can say to redeem myself after someone learns that I watch Medium. In fact, it's paused on my TV right now awaiting my sweet little finger to hit that play button. I need help.

First of all I started watching it because I was all "right on Patricia! you go girl! a woman in her 40s (?) starring in her own show this day in age? You go guuuurl." And Patricia was great in True Romance, right guys? But there's just something that doesn't translate when she acts exactly like she did in the awesome hotel room murder scene (SCREAMING!SOMUCHSCREAMING!) but as a wife and mother of 3. Call me crazy. And yet... I can't stop watching. There is something about Patricia Arquette that makes her a terrible and wonderful actress all at the same time.

But it's not just her acting that makes this show retarded...there was one episode that just about killed me, you guys. I swear to you I sat watching just in awe of how terrible it was. The gist of the scene was that her body had been taken over by a really rich, snobby ghost of a woman who woke up in bed next to her (Patricia's) husband and freaked out and then left and went to her house and blahblahblah. Basically the woman had died and took over Patricia's body. But the hilarious part was that every 3 minutes or so they'd play the song "Just Like a Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae. Do you know which one I'm talking about? Not important. It literally could have been any song because the hilarious part was that they played it over and over and OVER AND OVER throughout the whole show. I mean I know this is not coming across the way I want it to but holy LORD you guys it was hilarious. It'd be like this:

"Did you have a bad dream?"
"Yeah. Someone was murdered."
"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep."
JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH, JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH

...two minutes later...

"Can you pick the kids up from school?"
"I thought it was your day to do that."
"The District Attorney needs me to stop by his office."
"Ok, then."
JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH, JUST LIKE A STAR BLAHBLAHBLAH

Oh god, guys. It was SO SO FUNNY. I could not stop laughing. I started betting with myself on when it would happen. I won a lot of money from me that night.

So there it is. There's my dirty medium secret. I watch MEDIUM. Get over it, you jerks! What, like you don't watch "Thank God You're Here"?

I love you all. Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Are You My Bloggy?

Holy crap you guys. What the farg!? I haven't written in ages! Ages I say! Wait, has everyone see that commercial for Orbitz where they're cursing each other out but they say stuff like "what the flapjack, applesauce?!" or something like that. Oh god I love that commercial so much. It's like a song. I wanna record it and listen to it over and over. And there's yet another reason for you, dear reader, to suspect that I might be a tiny bit autistic. (Reason 1: I like heavy things on top of me. i.e. I like to be hugged or squeezed which I hear people with autism like and also cows who are about to be slaughtered are squeezed because it calms them down. Wait, I should research this before I tell you all stuff you'll go recycling all over the place. One second I'ma look...wait.. why would I want to look up COW SLAUGHTERING. That's just depressing. Let's just pretend that before a cow gets killed someone gives them a big, fat hug! Like The Pillowman! Oh man this is getting sad, I'll stop.)

So anyway, I want to write. I miss writing. One person even told me they miss me writing. Here you go, person! I'm writing!

So first of all I went to an Arcade Fire show! My pal Shelly asked if I wanted to risk life and limb by getting tickets on a random website for a sold out show. And of COURSE I said yes. I mean, come on... risk is my middle name! (Unless it's pertaining to roller coasters. Yikes!) So anyway, we went to the show at 175th and Broadway at the United Palace Theatre. IT WAS AMAZING. If you have a chance to go see them DO IT. Even if you don't know their music. I swear, guys, it will be worth it! First of all they have 10 people on stage and they play tons of instruments and the energy is amazing. We were standing the whole time! I hate standing! It was THAT GOOD!

Ok so go see Arcade Fire, check.

Second, this Friday night, thanks to my buddy Liz, I'm going to see Ricky Gervais! eeee! How excited am I, you guys! Everyone sing that Outkast song together - Heeeeeeee-eeey ya!

This coming Sunday my dear, dear cousin Emry is getting married in New Hampshire. I get to go up and drink and dance and wear my adorable new gray patent leather shoes and my cream dress (seriously the combo... i could die) and watch my cousin, the man I swore I would marry (at age 3, y'all. it ain't like that.) walk down the isle. I am so excited. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time. I'm getting teary just thinking about it!

Oh god, you guys... so I started taking Lunesta (a sleeping pill) and I slept great! I felt great! But the days that I took it I was seconds away from crying all day. Seriously. Everything would make me cry. A commercial for FURNITURE made me cry. So I'm like great now my options are either sleepy or weepy? FANTASTIC. But honestly, I had this amazing breakthrough in therapy the other day and I have been happier in the past week or so than maybe ever. MAYBE EVER! Can you get with that, bitches?! Heeeee-ey ya!

It's like reading a letter from a 12 year old. I realize this.

So let's see...what else. Oh! I went to Coney Island for Eliza's birthday which was RETARDED. So much fun. I didn't even ride anything (except a nice little buzz) and I still had fun! I still wish we'd gone to the aquarium but poor E got stuck on the BQE because of traffic. But it's coo, we'll go again. Bokay? You can come. How 'bout that? Pinkie swear. kisses.

What is wrong with me. I'm super excited to have 2 seconds to sit and write. Hell yes.

OH WAIT. To the lovely Dina who commented on my last post about seeing our I Eat Pandas show... THANK YOU! I kept trying to respond to your comment but I couldn't for some reason so you should know your comment made my week! Thank you for coming!

Y'all we have another show coming up so don't be sad that you missed the last one. It's on Tuesday the 22nd at Gotham City Improv and it's taped and it will be so awesome! It's part of this show called Acid Test that tapes improv shows (with 3 cameras) and then puts them online for all the world to see. We're SUPER honored to be a part of this show and to have the entire show to ourselves!! You guys should definitely come check it out! Why? Because I luv you, that's why. smoochysmoochylilpoochy!

Sigh. Well, I think that's all I have for now you crazy kids. I will post more often. I know, I know... I say that all the time but this time I mean it.

Peace out watersprout.

Love,

Glennis

I Eat Pandas Tonight!

I don't know how we'll do it, but we'll do it together.

You know how you've always wanted to see me and Eliza in I Eat Pandas but it's always too late (and we know you love your beauty sleep) or on the weekend (and we know you volunteer) or in a theatre that creeps you out (and we know you like clean things)? Well now we've solved all those problems so that you can enjoy what we like to call "The Best Show of All Time EVER" (I'm the only one who calls it that but I stand by it); I Eat Pandas!

Tonight (a Monday!) we're at Mo Pitkin's (clean!) at 7pm (early!) so why not stop on by and check us out? You have no good reason not to? Well I'm certainly not going to give you one!

Monday, May 7th, 7pm
I EAT PANDAS
Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A @ 2nd Street
$10
Dinner and Drinks available!

God dammit I love you guys. See you tonight.

Love,

Glennis

Trickster

Sometimes I can be a reaaaal stinker, you guys. Sometimes I can be a real jerk! But also, guys, sometimes I can be super hilarious WHILE being a stinker and a jerk and an outright dbag.

Last night I went to see the brilliance that is "Gravid Water" at UCB. My pal Steven Ruddy created this show and I gotta say, guys, it really was awesome. They only do it once a month so go. You must. So anyhooter, after the show we all head to an old haunt of mine called McManus. Yes it's a jaunty old establishment in the heart of Chelsea where I've spent many a night of my youth imbibing pitcher upon pitcher of bud light and feasting upon turkey clubs fit for minimum waged brats. Last night was just like the old days which meant Steven and I plopping ourselves down at a table with a few pitchers and chatting it up. Pretty soon I was drunk. And when I get drunk I like to lie to people. I don't know why but I do.

For Example:

I was standing outside Triple Crown with Eliza and a man walked past. I was drunk. I yelled out to him and his friend "hey! how are you guys doing?" and they stopped to talk to us. I said that my name was Sam. I told them that I worked at the Triple Crown Tuesday and Saturday nights and they should come back and see me. Why did I do this? Because I'm a first class butthead and I love to lie.

So last night we're sitting at the table and I start pouring salt into my water glass. Steven, the perfect side to my kick, didn't say a word when I said, "let's get someone to drink this water." We giggled and looked around the bar but I didn't know anyone in there; it was late and the "normal" people with "responsibilities" and "values" had gone home hours earlier. I thought I'd have to scrap my plan when in through the door walks our old pal Mo.

"Mo!" I shouted. "Come over here!"

I pretended to take a sip of the water, made a fowl face and then said, "this water tastes terrible. Will you taste it?"

Mo looked suspicious prompting Steven to jump in and add, "yeah it tastes weird!"

Mo takes a HUGE GULP of my salty prank water and makes the BEST most hilarious grossed out face ever. I start cracking up a little and he's still with us going, "yeah man this water tastes really bad. where did you get this? you shouldn't drink that." Aw Mo you are the cutest.

Person after person I pranked and it NEVER got old. I even pranked a dude I don't know who kept coming over to Ruddy to quote lines Michael Delaney had said in a Gravid Water show from 2 years ago. Come on, he deserved some salt water in the mouth.

Oh man guys. A real, top notch twat, right?

I guess that's why I woke up with this vicious hangover. You win this time... um... beer. Or wait... salt water. Wait... no wait. God. God won, right? Who the fuck won?

ME.

I won because I didn't end up with a mouth full of salt.

BOKAY?

Have a great day, lovers.

Love,

Glennis

Blog-kay!

Hey guys! What's going on??! How the HECK have you been?

All right let's start from the top here. First of all you can hear my voice on tv for reals, y'all. My voice is the voice of "Can You Handle The Truth" Thursdays on Lifetime!

Bo-KAY?

Also, things with Jem & The Holograms are chugging along. We recorded scratch tracks of the music (all original) the other day and it is fan-fucking-tastic. I don't even know if you guys are going to be able to handle it!

BOKAY?!

Also, my dream is coming true, guys. It's been a dream of mine for like 4 years. You are going to die. Simply DIE! Get this: I get to BARTEND at PLANET ROSE KARAOKE!

BOKAAAAAY!!!!?!

I mean I can hardly stand it. I'll let you guys know when it happens so you can come in and serenade me (if you live outside NY why not call in, request a song and sing it over the phone. Holy Bowie this is going to be awesome.

I feel like I've abandoned my poor blog. I need to keep this up so I'll try to be better. It's cathartic. Or something. Oh and I hate American Idol I don't even CARE who wins (seriously) but America's Next Top Model (wanbeontop?) HELL yes I am into that shit. Natasha, right you guys? Hell yes!

And I'll have you all know that in lieu of going out to do drunken karaoke with co-workers right now I am instead eating Lean Cuisine and drinking (gulp) water. I'm gon be FIERCE, y'all.

BO. KAY!

Oh and bokay is my new favorite word. Let's work that shit.

Have a great day you guys!

Love,

Glennis