Bathroom Humor

Hey guys, what's up.

I'm at work in my fancy law firm full of fancy lawyers who I really don't deal with that much, but when I do it's always a joy.

I just went to the bathroom and since it's nearing the end of the day I was lucky enough to choose the stall with no toilet paper left. Grr! Don't you hate that!!? Luckily I had gone #1 so I could have just pulled up my pants and waddled to the next stall to finish the job, but just as I was about to do so... someone walked into the bathroom. I sat there for a minute thinking I'd wait them out (and give my butt its "out of pants" time for today) and then that minute turned into 2... and I started to panic. Was this person ever going to leave?

I realize this is not the kind of situation that warrants panic mode, but again, I'm Glennis and I love to worry and/or panic about insignificant things.

So I sat there one minute more (they weren't in a stall... there was no noise coming from outside... and I could still see their feet if I bent down. What were they doing!?) and then decided to be bold and ask that person, whoever they may be: secretary or lawyer, for toilet paper.

"Excuse me? Can you hand me some toilet paper, I'm out in here."

No answer.

"Hello?"

Hm... maybe they left and I didn't hear the door shut because I was so deep in thought?

I peaked down and their feet were still there!!!

"Excuse me??" I whined in my sweetiest sweeterstein voice.

NOTHING.

Who the hell is refusing to answer my pleas for soft cushiony goodness to wipe my lady parts?!?

That, my friends, I will never know. I suppose I could go around the office looking for a woman with nude stockings and black pumps, but I suppose that's like looking for a needle in a needle stack isn't it?

I did finally get myself some TP. And I gave myself a big kiss in the mirror just to replenish the love.


Little did Glennis know, half-way around the world her long lost fraternal twin brother was experiencing the exact same thing.

Are you too good for your HOME!?

I was just sitting here eating my salad which contains:

1. Lettuce
2. Chicken (grilled, slightly seasoned)
3. Beats (cooked, not pickled)
4. Sprouts (pointless)
5. Bacon
6. Peas

I took a bite and "boing!" a pea jumped right off my fork and landed in my lap.

Do you think it got confused and was trying to go home?

Because it's a pea.

So it got confused.

and tried to go to my PEE HOLE

G Diddy

I feel like I'm pretty much on the cusp of being so famous I can't eat out without someone trying to swipe my napkin to sell on ebay. I mean... I was in a COMMERCIAL. So today I was contacted... I mean my publicist, manager? Both of those things were contacted today about my own clothing line. At first I was all "who do I think I am, Puffy?" Then after an uncomfortable 5-minute silence (during which people were probably considering if what I had just said was racist or not) I thought, "hey, I could be a black dude! I mean have a clothing line."

I signed the contracts without really knowing what the clothes were going to look like. And now I think I might regret that. Here's the line. It's only a few peices. I think I need a lawyer.


PEE PANTS BOXER SHORTS


PUBIE HAIR BABY TEE


SEXY SKID-MARK THONG UNDIES

I could have died. Just DIED!

Dear Seventeen Magazine:

First time writer, long time reader! OMGOMGICANTBELIEVEIMDOINGTHIS! LOL LOL!!LOL! ROFL!!

So, oh my god, this is like my total most embarassing moment ever. Seriously, it will like totally beat any of your other embarassing moments, like, ever.

I was on the train going up to my really professional office job in the city. I am new at everything so I really want to make a good impression on people, well, everywhere. So I was totally dressed really nice. I even had pearls on... I felt so grown up!

At my job we have to use card keys to get in and out of the building and the doors on our floor (so no unauthorized people get in and attack us! I know what happens, I watch MTV News!). My card is attached to a little clip that I can pin to my pants. I kinda think it looks dorky (LOL!!!) but I wear it anyway. The clip is attached to a retractable cord so I can pull it out and open the door.

So this morning, like I said, I'm on the train with a bunch of totally professional business guys. (Suits and ties and everything!) I was almost to my stop on the train so I reached into my bag to pull out my card key. I felt it in one of the pockets (filled with so much stuff, omg!) and pulled it out. Except that the clip was stuck on something in my bag so the cord just pulled out really long. I kept tugging on the card to try and get the clip out but it was seriously stuck! Tug! Tug! Tug! Until finally I tugged with all my might and "POP!" out it comes.

And oh my gosh, Seventeen, you'll never guess what came with it.

A tampon!!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

LOL!!

And not only did a tampon (OB because it's more absorbent) come flying out but it HIT A BUSINESS MAN... IN THE EYE!!!!

COULD YOU JUST DIE!!!!!?????!?!?

Well I almost did! It was almost as embarassing as the time I stepped in poop and didn't notice until I was in homeroom!

Well I guess I won't be riding that train to work anymore. How can I show my face there again! LOL!

Sincerely,

Embarassed in NY

PS - The guy's eye was ok. I don't think he knew what hit him but OMG I did!
PPS - I left the OB Tampon on the train. Should I have picked it up???
PPPS - Jake Gyllenhaal is SOOOO DREAMY!!

Kraft! Get out of my head!

I just saw a commercial for Kraft's new crumble cheese. The jingle is "You're crumbelievable!" to the tune of "you're unbelievable."

I mean... seriously Kraft! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

The commercial starts with the WWF Announcer saying "Llllllllllllet's get ready to CRUMBLE!!"

"The thing. You crave. That big cheese taste just blows you away. They're crumbelievable."

Why couldn't I have been the one to sing that jingle!?!?!

Siiigh. I <3 you Kraft Marketing Team.

Love,
Glennis


Mike knew his new ad campain would get him the ladies, but he had no idea they'd be just his type!

Big Small Cat Dog... Go!

Voice over auditions are always a bit elusive for me, I'm never sure what exactly to do with the copy they hand me (especially when it's one line like, "bring your camera." What?) But sometimes the copy writers... is that what they're called?... provide a little help in how to read the copy. Sometimes it's, "Nicole Richie mixed with Ganene Garofallo with a little Midwest Housewife" which totes helps me out. But the other day was by far the best. It was a voice over for Six Flags in which the "artist" was talking about the "buy your ticket get one for a Friend" promotion. The description on how to read the copy went like this:

"Movie trailer mom girl should be your inspiration."

So I of course knocked it out of the park with a little dash of Katherine Hepburn mixed with some Bai Ling and just a hint of my little sister.

My only question is why they continued auditioning mom girls after I had clearly bagged it.

It's the little things

How my life resembles a celebrity, part one of a billion.

This morning I woke up after a night of restless sleep caused by scary dudes screaming mean words at some other dude from their car off and on all night, (Right under my window!) and stepped on the pointy part of my iron which I had left by my bed last night.

I know, Gwyneth Paltrow?

Nope, it's just me. I assure you.

Living learning and all that bullcrap

So the pilot I made for www.channel102.com did not get in, but you beautiful people have a golden opportunity to watch it right here in the comfort of your own home! Yay!

This is the first thing I've written and helped direct and been in so it was Pretty Sweet. Or PS as we kids say.

Hope you like it!!

Love,

Glennis

http://www.lukeward.com/urchins/FinalOutputV2.mov

Priceless

Relaxation CD: $7.95


New King-Size comfort bedding: $45.00


Lavendar scented calming spray: $9.00


Waking up to the sound of sirens: Priceless


For everything else there's WHY CAN'T I EVER SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!GODDAMNITLETMESLEEEPWHATTHEFU... oh crap, someone was just hit by a car.

Wake me up before I bid-bid

Hey guys, what's up.

So remember how I told you I've had a really hard time sleeping and pretty much have insomnia (which I actually think sounds so cool because, as most of you know, I love diseases and medical stuff and insomnia really sounds like a great disease). Anywho... I got a prescription for Ambien from my doc. I took it the first weekend and wow, it was amazing! I felt so great, I woke up at 7am, I worked out, I took a cat nap (first one!), it was really great.

About a week and a half later I went out with some friends from work. I drank two beers but it was one of those nights where I was so distracted by seeing people I hadn't see in a long time and I wasn't at all drunk, so I guess I kinda forgot I had had them. So I went home and took Ambien. I was talking on my computer to some friends and all the sudden my eyes started getting fuzzy and I couldn't see what I was typing. I told my friends I had to sign off and go to bed (I think that's what I said! Lynn?? Megan??) and I crawled into bed and fell asleep without incident.

OR DID I??

The next day my boyfriend says, "do you remember calling me last night??"

"WHAT?"

"You called me last night and said you were sleepy and dizzy."

Ok don't remember that at all.

So I went about my day, ladida, and that night I went home, got in bed, and took another Ambien. I layed there for a minute and then thought, "hmm... I should go on my computer." So I got up, got my laptop and got on line. Next thing I know I'm waking up the next morning, checking my email and... WHAT'S THIS?? I bid on a BED FRAME on eBay while I was on an Abien blackout!

Well at least I didn't bid on something that was really expensive. And I did need a bed frame. Oh I won it btw.

But my therapist said that people have done crazy thins on Ambien... like trying to drive their car!!

I was conscious enough to place a bid for something I knew I needed. What else could I do??

Of course this is not making me want to STOP taking it, but makes me want to try and do stuff while on it.

Which I know I won't. I'm not stupid, you guys.

Or AM I?!?!

But I will probably get a prescription for Lunesta. Butterfly sleep!

I'll keep you abreast of the situation.

Hehe.
Abreast.


Gary liked to blame his problems on Ambien, but even the dog knew it was more. Much, much more.

All I wanna do is report some news

So last night instead of dressing up and wandering the streets of Manhattan for Halloween, my man and I went to the Sheryl Crow concert at Lincoln Center. I know, Lincoln Center? It was SO awesome you guys! She is amazing. And she played a ton of new songs of her really great new album which you need to get if you haven't already.

Sitting in front of us was Harry Smith. Harry Smith from CBS news, you know? I know who he is because he introduces himself by saying, "Harry Smith, CBS News." He's an aquaintance of my boyfriend and we once saw him in a hotel in Chicago with his sons. That's how he introduced himself. Is that weird? I think so.

So he was rocking out alone in front of us to Sheryl Crow. But that actually gave me more respect for him. Anyone who is man enough to go to a Sheryl Crow concert alone, in a suit, and who can stand up and "dance" to the fast songs is all right wif me.



Oh, and to the distracting guy in the tight white t-shirt and jeans up to your navel who danced in the balcony to my right the entire night... with your own mini guitar... I'd just like to say I'm not sure who brings their own mini guitar to a Sheryl Crow concert and pretends to play to her songs, but you my friend are one wild and crazy, and dare I say distracting, guy.