I am going to be having a baby in the next couple weeks or so and I was told that I should look into music to listen to during the labor process...do you have any advice on good music mixes for bringing a baby into the world? I hear you used to be a dj.
-"Bill's" soon to be mom"
Dear Mommy Bill,
|I'm a baby.|
I can't speak from experience here, but I understand having a baby is a pret-ty big deal. In fact I hear it can be life changing, but don't quote me on that. An expert on babies I'm not... an expert on music I totally am not either. But I do love me some hot jams and I am more than up to the task of helping you put together your baby mix! In fact, I'm honored!
I thought hard about this and I've decided that, because everyone's musical tastes differ, I'd give you some guidelines to follow when picking your mix instead of choosing songs for you. Though I'm sure along the way I'll throw in one or two suggestions which you by no means have to use.
In my opinion you should consider the following when choosing your "burthing jamz":
1. Your Annoyance Level
Preeeeetty sure the level of annoyance rises when pushing a medicine ball-sized person out your hoo-ha (childbirth is beautiful is it not?), so you want to avoid songs with catchy, but repetitive hooks which might drive you to insanity. Eiffel 65's Blue (Da Bu De) comes to mind as a song that, when played at a club might cause shawty fire burning on a dance floor, but when played in a... baby birthing room (huh) might cause murder. You might argue that murdering someone while giving birth is the true circle of life, but I'd like to point out that your arguments are stupid.
2. Capturing the Moment
One day your little Bill is going to look at you in his Yankee uniform just before he takes the mound for the very first time and he'll say, "Mom. Dad. There's something I've always wanted to ask you. What was the first song I ever heard? I mean... what played as I exited your lady garage?" Do you really want to turn to him and say, "Pop That Pussy by 2 Live Crew"? Can you even imagine the effect that would have on poor Bill? I mean, sure, the song is relevent to the birthing process and you and your husband will have at that point raised a fine young man, but his mighty world might be crushed by that news causing him to blow the game ruining the Yankee's chances of ever becoming the winningest team in baseball. Nice going, mom. You really screwed the pooch on that one.
3. I Get So Emotional
Childbirth is beautiful blahblahblah, but let's face facts... you've got a job to do. Getting the boy out is job number one and you don't want some sappy song about a unicorn drinking out of a kitten's paw mucking that up for you. I do a lot of crying on the toilet and let me tell you crying and pushing do not go together like ramalama kadingidy dingy dong.
Sex is what got you into this so you might be inclined to listen to a sexy song to mark the occasion. While almost every part of me thinks this is a good idea, there is this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me it crosses the line. Prince has no place in a birthing mix. I concede.
I know a lot of people are of the mindset that classical music cures all, but I'm of the mindset that it's a giant snoozefest. I mean, sure, there is a time and a place, but do you really want your baby coming out all snootypants thinking he's better than other people because he was born to Sonata No. 12 In E Minor The Wind in my Shorts? I don't think so.
Wait. Hold the phone. Something just occurred to me. My advice, and I truly think this might be the best advice I've ever doled, is to listen to...
wait for it...
waaaaait for it...
|Mind = blown|
I'm not having a baby yet (but as I just tweeted I have some nasty indigestion, so... fingers crossed!), but here's what I'd do if I was about to push a papoose out my teepee:
On your way to the hospital: Ideally your husband would drive you, but if you live in NY you'll probably take a cab. Assuming the baby's not on its way, I'd like you to a capella "Morning Glow". Your husband need not join in, but really how can he resist? The song perfectly captures the uplifting spirit of the situation and will really set you in the mood for baby time. (Why a capella? Because NYC, home of the Great White Way, still doesn't have an all-musical radio station. And they call this America.)
Chillin' in your room: A mix of songs that are just plain fun to sing along with. Suddenly Seymour, Cabaret, Hard Knock Life, Part of Your World. Get the staff involved and soon you'll be the most popular patient on the floor! No, really. Trust me on this. Musical theatre makes you very popular.
Uncomfortable, but not in pain: When the contractions kick in, but it's not time to push, switch it up to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Just be careful when doing the Time Warp.
When the contractions intensify: Listen to your favorite comedy album. Steven Martin? Maria Bamford? George Carlin? What's your poison? Or, wait - check with your doctor to make sure it's OK to laugh at this stage. You don't want to end up hurting the baby in the name of a good time. Plenty of opportunities to do that once he's born. (Might I also recommend my boo's comedy album? Why, I might. I might just do that.)
In your final contractions: Your husband serenades you with "Maria" from West Side Story, but subs in your name. ex: "Aaaaaamanda. I just met a girl named Amanda! And suddenly I see..." the baby! Holy shit it's coming!
As Bill meets the world: You and your husband perform an exhausted, but impassioned version of "Without Love" from Hairspray.
Happiest. Baby. Ever.
Well, Bill's Mom To Be, I hope this helped. No need to thank me, really. Just name your first girl Glennis and we'll call it even.
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