Last night was amazing. It was one of those nights I've been waiting for for a long time and I can't even tell you how insignificant it probably seemed to everyone else. Last night I did Carolyn & Nichelle's final Chicks & Giggles show at Ochi's Lounge.
Not really something to write home about! Not that the show is insignificant by any means but performing in a show isn't really groundbreaking news. Unless you're me!
For the longest time (woahoohoh) there's been a self-sabotaging voice inside my head trying to fuck with me. Saying things like "why are you even bothering with this? no one thinks you're funny. you're NOT funny. you're so god awful, why even GO on auditions?" EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like all day long. And I'd fight that stupid voice with every ounce of strength I had. I'd talk about it in therapy, I'd give myself pep talks, I'd do shows and go on auditions but that voice... that fucking voice... that stupid voice always won!
So I knew I had to do something to change that. I knew I had to prove that stupid part of my brain wrong. Just one little thing, that's all it would take. I wrote that post about Going For It and I meant it. I really did. But you can talk about something till you're blue in the face but talking won't change shit! I had the best intentions to put together an audition tape, I really did mean to work on characters and show everyone (MYSELF) what I can do, but unless you do it it really doesn't matter, now does it. You can say you're going to donate money to cancer research but if no one gets a check you're just a dude with good intentions. Cancer ain't gonna cure itself, bitches!
But I'm getting off track.
So I put it out there in that post and my dear friend Carolyn got my vibes (or read my blog) and asked me to do their final show which brings me to last night.
It was different. I wasn't nervous; I was excited. I haven't been excited to be on stage in a long time. A LONG time. It's not that I don't love performing but when that voice takes over it's the most painful experience. It's all based in fear and doubt and when does that ever produce good results. All I can say is thank god for Eliza Skinner because without her our Pandas shows would have been shit. I know I added some stuff but a lot of me stood there going "fuck. fuck. what do I do. fuck! I have nothing!" I was afraid to do anything. Afraid it would be the wrong choice. Not afraid that Eliza would hate it, not afraid the audience would boo me, just... afraid. Full of doubt and fear.
So there I was last night about to go on stage BY MYSELF. No Eliza. (She was there but what was I going to do call to her in the audience? Grow up, McMurray.) And this feeling of confidence was there and this feeling of excitement and I just sat there wishing and hoping and praying it wouldn't go away the minute I set foot on the stage. Praying that little voice would sleep through my act.
Carolyn called me up to the stage. I stood up. There was no blurry tunnel vision. There was no heartbeat in my ears. I walked toward the stage and didn't feel like I was going to pass out. I got ON the stage and looked at the audience. Really looked at them. I took a minute and I let them know who was in charge here! Hey, fucko to the left who talked through the first 10 minutes of the show! You! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH ME! And I said that all with my eyes. SPOOKY.
But you get the idea.
I finished my piece, walked off the stage and half expected everyone to jump up and down with me going "you did it! you did it, Glennis!" Of course, no one did because like I said... it was just a show. After the show was over a girl told me I was hilarious and to my surprise I said thanks and meant it. Before I would have said thanks and then thought, "you clearly don't know shit."
I keep almost writing, "I'm not going to say I'll never hear that voice again..." but I can't! I really can't even write it because I don't EVER want to hear that voice again!
Sigh. What a great night, you guys.