Who you callin dummy, dummy?

As is apt to happen cuz I'm a LADY, I've changed my mind about my halloween costume AGAIN.

What do you think?

Wish I May

This may reveal much more into my inner psyche than I'd like to reveal, but I've been having some wacky dreams lately. I usually have some crazy ones but these are like, "text book" dreams. Or as Eliza said, a dream you'd write about if you were to write about a girl having dreams. Or something like that.

So the other night I had a dream that I was at my ex-fiance's parents' house with my current boyfriend. My ex was getting married and his new fiance was there. I was sitting across from her and she looked exactly like me. Only she was 400 lbs. I kept thinking, "god, that is so weird that she looks JUST like me." I looked away and when I turned back she looked just like me but she was black. And I thought, "wierd. I thought she was Irish."

Then last night I had a dream that I was on a frozen ice scape like in that Penguin movie. I was naked and all I had was a blanket. And it wasn't big enough to cover all of me and keep me warm. So I pretty much knew I was going to die.

Now that 2nd dream could have been because I was cold last night.

Or I maybe shouldn't take any trips to Antarctica? Right? Guys?

Don't you guys hate it when you dream that you found money and you wake up all, "Woo! I found money!" and then realize was a dream. Don't you hate that?






Happened in my dream, not in real life.




did NOT happen in my dream




The cat version of my dream self

Wow

Sorry about that last post folks. Angry drunk!

So is this terrible of me? Last week I went to get my haircut at this nice salon on Christopher St. I brought in a picture and everything. The girl was nice but a little "off" and when she told me she was from Staten Island I thought "uh oh." Is that totally terrible of me? Don't answer, I know. I just had this thought she'd do a bad job.

I mean, she did do a bad job.

What do you guys think?

Hey you stupid bitches!!!

I;m DRUNK!!

Halloween 2005

I've finally chosen a costume for halloween this year and I refuse to take it off until November 1st.

Little Mouth of Horrors

There's something I love so much about going to the dentist.

What was it again?



Oh right. Nothing.

At least she was professional. Cut the small talk and got right to work.

I took a picture to capture the timeless experience.

FINALLY!

Gawdam!

Almost a full year after it was shot, CNN.com has my commercial up. Check it out! Go to www.cnn.com/yourcommand and click on the Anderson Cooper (rrreoww, silver fox) commercial called "Stuck on You."

Thrilling!

Plum obsessed

Lately I've been obsessed with the word "plum" and the image of a plum and I'm not sure why. I decided to name my website design company (that I'll be launching in approximately 2 1/2 months) plum designs and I bought plum diet Snapple iced tea the other day. I find this weird because I've never really thought about plums one way or another. They rank down there with stock market prices and testicular cancer (see: things I never think about).

This recent revelation has prompted me to think about something else I never think about: a girl I used to work with.

This girl was not someone I'd usually hang out with, but what can I say we worked together. Right??

RIGHT, GUYS!?! RIGHT?

So anywhoo, a bunch of us bitches went out to lunch one day and while at a deli hot bar getting cooked chicken, steamed broccoli and other people's sneeze germs, she says, "I love rice, you guys!"

I'm like, "ok, cool. we all do."

She says, "No. I LOVE RICE. I am obsessed with rice."

"huh? like... huh?"

She continues, "I love it! I love to cook it, I love to eat it, if I'm at weddings I always save the rice instead of throwing it! I love it!!!!"

That's weird... right? Who is obsessed with rice??! It's a small white oval!? You really can't get more bland than that. Unless perhaps you're talking about Harriet Miers?

Oh no I didn't!!! BURN!!!

ahhh

Maybe it's just me.

Or maybe she just liked rice.



Heaven anyone?

Beat it, Oprah

And I ain't talkin' about your friendships with celebrities (cuz lord knows you've beaten that one to death.)

I'm done with you, Oprah. Beat it.

First you throw out a plate from your, no doubt expensive, china collection because a dinner guest placed her chewing gum on it. (Not to mention the fact you won't let anyone in your studio or on your staff chew gum. I'm not making this up people, I heard it from the donkey's mouth.)

And the screaming audience members at the very breath of your name, well it's just getting old. Nausiating and old. (And that you say that's what gets you up in the morning. That sends me over the edge. BARF.)

Your interviews are boring. I said it. BORING!

Your stupid A-ha! moments. SHUT UP.

Your love for idiot Scientologists.

But really the topper for my hate cake was when you were talking to Uma Thurman about her divorce from Ethan Hawke and you said something along the lines of "pain over time equals forgiveness." (I know that's not a direct quote but you all get the idea.) And Uma said, "well, yes... that's a nice thought" and YOU, OPRAH WINFREY, in front of millions of people said, "No, it's not a thought, it's PHSYICS."

Oprah say what now!?

I thought you were kidding. I hoped you were, for the sake of my unborn children who would one day be reared by spending hours upon hours watching you dish sassy advice about what to do in an emergency and what books to read via hundreds of taped episodes (while mommy's out doing lines of coke off Kate Moss' collar bone).

I rewound the tivo'd Oprah-sode. Could she have been serious?

I like to think that after watching you for years (since your trash-show days) I've grown to known you, well, intimately. And after watching you state that it was "PHYSICS" 3, 4, 5 times... I do in fact think you were serious radio.

Oprah, you're a douchebag. A huge, giant, Ugg-boot giving, million dollar donating, smug question asking, Tom Cruise loving douchebag.

AND I'M DONE WATCHING YOU.

(until the next steamy episode about the "Down Low" airs)

No longer yours,

Glennis








(Oprah! I'm kidding! I love you, sister! Can I call you "sister?" Hey, call me... 1-212-BRAINWASHED-BY-OPRAH)