Necrophilia: A Love Story

Genoa, Italy
February 12, 1887

Open on: Carl Tanzler, a young boy of 10, walks along the streets of Italy kicking a rock and whistling a merry tune.

TANZLER

Dooo dee doo! I'm a kid! I speak German! La la la!

Suddenly an impetuous wind whips around the young boy. He shields his face from the flying sand and debris but just as soon as the wind appears it's gone again.

TANZLER
(blinks, rubs his eyes)

Wha... wha happened?

DEAD ANCESTOR

HALT! HEAR THIS! HEED! HRAAAAPH!

TANZLER

A dead ancestor! What have you come to tell me oh dead one!?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Hey, what's up. I thought you'd be more frightened by my gettup. No? Flaming skulls not your thing?

TANZLER

I mean don't get me wrong, you look pretty scary... I just think dead things are awesome. Really, really awesome.

DEAD ANCESTOR

Riiiight. Um, so anyway I'm here to show you a picture. IT'S A VISION! MWAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(The dead ancestor holds out a 5x7 picture for Tanzler)



TANZLER

Wooooooow. She's beautiful! Is she dead?

DEAD ANCESTOR

What? No dude. What the hell kind of thing is that to say? You're a weird kid.

TANZLER

Thanks! Is this the woman I'm supposed to marry?

DEAD ANCESTOR

Something like that. Seriously though I'm really creeped out by your earlier question. What the fuck? I... gotta go. I have other visions to perform. (mumbles) Creepy kid...

Cut to: April 22, 1930.
A hospital in Key West, Florida.

A woman enters the hospital where Tanzler works as a Radiologist.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Excuse me? I don't feel so well.

TANZLER

GASP! (he gasps) It's yoooooou!! (Tanzler does a few spinny, hands out, "Sound of Music Hilltop Scene" twirls)

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Oh my! (cough cough) Where you (cough) expecting me?

TANZLER

Oh my beautiful, exotic creature! You're my vision! Weeee!!

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Wow! That's so (cough) lovely! (Cough. Cough, cough, cough, cough. Cough.)

(cough)

TANZLER

So what seems to be the trouble?

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Seriously? COUGH COUGH.

TANZLER

Ah yes... you have a cough! Well, I can fix you right up.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Are you a doctor? Your lab coat says, "Radiologist."

TANZLER

Ahhh... um... that's my... last name! Yes. My name is Carlos Radiologist. DOCTOR Carlos Radiologist. Now please take off your nickers so I can evaluate the severity of your cough.

MARIA ELENA MILAGRO DE HOYOS

Well, I supposed it couldn't hurt.

(Cut to two days later.)

TANZLER

(To Maria's family trying not to smile.)
Your daughter is dead. I tried my best. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through, etc, etc... Hey this is going to sound way out of left field here, but I'm just going to come right out and say it. Mind if I pay for her funeral and then contstruct an above ground mausoleum where I shall store her corps so I can visit it nightly?

FAMILY

(Staring at Tanzler.)

TANZLER

I'll give you a cooookie...

FAMILY

Deal.

Cut to: A dark lab at midnight. Tanzler sits with Maria's dead body which has since been encased in wax and plaster.

TANZLER

Oh my dear sweet Maria. How I've longed for the day when we could be together! (He kisses her and removes some of the wax from her face.) You look as beautiful today as you ever did.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Thank you, Tanzie.

TANZLER

Imagine the life we shall have together my dear Maria! You encased in your mausoleum above ground in the local cemetary and me visiting you daily! The times we'll have! The laughs we'll share!

MARIA'S CORPSE

Oh Tanzie I can't wait! Tanzie?

TANZLER

Yes Maria my sweet?

MARIA'S CORPSE

I'm so much happier now that I'm dead.

TANZLER

I knew you would be! Uh oh. Some of your hair is falling out. Oh god. I'm so turned on right now.

MARIA'S CORPSE

Take me, Tanzie!

TANZLER

Right here?? But Maria! What will the neighbors think!?

MARIA'S CORPSE

Seriously? You're storing a woman you barely know in a mausoleum.

TANZLER

Touche.

The lights slowly fade out and the camera pans to the ceiling as we hear the sweet, sweet sounds of a man having sex with the love of his life. A dead chick.

THE END

(Check it.)

Tales from the Script

Another audition today you guys might enjoy. It was for a NY Lotto spot where I had to bounce on one of those old bouncy balls (the kind you'd sit on as a kid and hop-hop-hop around; like an exercise ball with a handle... what the hell are those things called?) which in and of itself isn't all that significant BUT I did the audition with the Budweiser "wazzaaaaa" guy (he played my husband) which still isn't that significant as a stand alone news item BUT put those two things together and SHAZAM! A very hilarious and important blog post!

Also, bouncing on those things is TIRING. I had to do it 3 times and the last time I was out of breath. Seriously? Like, seriously that made me out of breath?? GO TO THE GYM, GLENNIS.

Oh and I was told not to be "so squeaky" by the casting director (to which Budweiser guy said, "the squeak is the best part!" which made me go, "are you hitting on me, sir?") which I think means try not to talk like a retard-baby. Outside the elevator on our way downstairs Budweiser says to me, "we'd have some beautiful babies. so exotic looking..." which was when I knew he was hitting on me. (It sounds out of nowhere but we had just played husband and wife, remember.)

We parted ways but I like to think at some point down the line he'll be googling "Budweiser Guy 'wazzaaaaa'" or "Beautiful, Exotic Girl from the NY Lotto Audition on February 21st" and find my site. Until then, sir. Until then.

ALSO

If any of you had any Jetblue drama this past weekend this will probably be just as exciting for you as it was for me.

(They're just now delivering my bag. At least she's not lost. She's so cute!)

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

Kate The Great

This, my dear readers, is my friend Kate. I can't describe to you in words how this girl has affected my life. She's not only intelligent and well-spoken, but she's talented, kind, compassionate and can kick it old school like the best of them. There are just so many reasons for my undying love for this girl. Let's go over them, shall we?

1. She taught me how to phrase things in just such a way so as not to concern my friends and family.

Example: Instead of saying "I got so shit-faced, sloppy drunk last night I don't even know how I got home!" you say, "I imbibed half of New York's beer supply last night and woke up to a nice-sized hang over."

Do you see? Much classier and yet it gets the same message across. And that message is: beer is great.

2. She taught me that sex is not only good, it's important and not something to be ashamed of. (This sounds silly. Note to self: delete this part before posting.)

3. She has the wardrobe one can only dream about and is not shy about lending items out.


See: Birthday pants.

4. She has amazing friends who she would do anything for and who would do anything for her.

5. She holds no judgments. Seriously. Like... none. I know, right? It sounds bananas but when I tell you; the girl doesn't know the meaning of the word. (This also sounds kinda gay... maybe delete this part too.)

6. She might have coined the term, "Glesbian" (although this is a hot point of contention since I have the memory of a goldfish and I'm pretty sure it could have also been Eliza...) after hearing story upon story about how women would buy me gifts for no reason at all. "Here's a skirt." "How about some dinner?" "Why, you look like you could use a boat." And thus... the phrase: she was born.



7. But I think the most recent event that set my "Katebian" top spinning was the introduction of this video into my life and the glory that is Brenda Dickson.

Well, Hello...



(If you enjoyed that please also enjoy #2 and her website.)

And that, my friends, is my pal Kate. THE GREAT.

Have a nice day, won't you?

Love,

Glennis

The Fame Game

Because I thought it would be a good idea to stay out until 4:30 this morning (YES, 4:30... WHAT THE HELL, GLENNIS!?) I'm finding this really funny. I just made some celebrity M&Ms on www.becomeanmm.com.


Click


Click


Click


Click

Click below each picture if you can't guess who they are. This is all very exciting, I realize, but it's about all I can muster right now. I've been sitting here breathing for the last 20 minutes and it's taken a lot out of me. Please kids, don't make me your role model. Thanks.

More later...

Love,

Glennis

Obvious Britney Spears Joke of The Day

Re: Brit-Brit's recent head shaving... ahem...

AT LEAST NOW THE DRAPES MATCH THE CARPET

(rim shot)



Have a great day.

Love,

Glennis

I Love Me

I love myself. I really do. I think I'm amazing. And today while walking down the street I saw this. The recent cover of NY Press:



(Which accompanies this awesome article.)

Which looks crazy similar to this picture I took of me, loving myself back in December:



Am I trend-setter or what?

xoxo

Love,

Me

Off The Chain Reaction!

You guys? Holy crap yesterday was SO FUN.

I don't even know where to start! And I can't tell you everything because I signed a paper saying I wouldn't (um I think they're called contracts?), but I will tell you what I can. Oh god. So So fun.

Ok so where do I start? Well let's start with the obvious: what we obsessed about before actually getting to the studio to shoot our game show. Naturally it was 1) hair and makeup - would it be provided? and 2) the foxiness that is the host of Chain Reaction:


Above or Below?
(Watch the show and that hilarious joke will make sense.)

I might also add that 3) is "will Glennis find her future husband today?" A joke. (Kinda)

We arrive at the studio and are whisked inside and upstairs! To a glamorous holding room! It's all very exciting! We walk in to find three men sitting in the room already. Is this our competition? We talk to them and find out that they're brothers and have flown all the way from Ohio and Maryland. That's a long way to fly for some shitty Chain Reaction money, yo! I mean they were the sweetest guys ever. So excited to be in NY and to be on the show but thank GOD they were not our competition because I would have felt terrible sending their asses back to Ohio/Maryland empty handed. I mean, they wouldn't really have been empty handed cuz that's what yer dicks are for, right? Men?

Anyway.

The first thing we're asked to do is hand over our cell phones. Cuz you know, you don't want to...call...someone...to get...words? We also can't have reading material, though as Kate pointed out, Oprah and the news was readily available in the makeup room.

AND YES. WE DID GET SOME MOTHER EFFIN HAIR AND MAKEUP.

I mean... we looked foxy. (Almost as foxy as Dylan. Sigh.) Here, take a gander:


I realize I look exactly the same.

Oh and I didn't say we did beat those guys, either. Just that it would have sucked had we beat them. (I'm being very careful here. I don't want to get the pants sued off me. They make my ass look so nice. Oh my god I really need to stop making such cheesy jokes.)

Ok so what else. Oh! They're going over the rules with us and they say stuff like, "If Dylan makes a joke...just laugh at it. Even if it doesn't make sense. Or it's cheesy, (see above) just laugh." I mean, I totally get what they're saying. I get it. Dylan makes a joke: laugh like a school girl. Not really going to be a problem since, did I mention, Dylan is a foxy, foxy fox. We were laughing butter in his cheesy hands. But then they say, "And if he gets some information slightly incorrect, don't correct him. Just don't correct Dylan at all." Oooo...kay. So laugh at him and don't correct him. Is Dylan... an infant? Cuz I thought he was my future husband and I'm really not ok with marrying an infant. No. Not even an infant who hosts his own game show. Well...I mean it depends on what game show.

But then we get on stage and Dylan is charming and pretty funny. And did I mention foxy? Yeah. Hey Dylan Lane if you are reading this CALL ME. Let's get bizzy, Dizzy.

What else can I tell you?! I think that's all I can tell you about the actual game. I can tell you that AFTER the game my teammates and I went to dinner. They with their boyfriends, and me with mine:


Kiss me you fool...bodied beer.

God. I am on fire with the puns today.

We ate at Vintage on the Upper West and it was delish. Our waitress checked herself out in the mirror while taking our orders and when asking Kate and her man what they wanted to drink, looked outside and goes, "it's snoooowwwiiing." I had to jingle some keys in front of her face to get her back. But I shouldn't be so mean because at the end of the night (after a few glasses of wine) I got the hiccups. BAD. Like the teeth-shattering, stomach crampy kind. And she comes over, sees me hiccupping up a storm and brings over club soda and this:



Lemons. On which I had my period. It's really bitters. Relax. And yo, that shit worked! My hiccups were gone INSTANTLY. So I guess this distracted waitress actually has more power than anyone I know for she's the only person I've met who's successfully cured hiccups.

And if you've found my blog by googling "best cure for hiccups" and are sitting there hic-hic-hiccing away, my condolences.

Our episode doesn't air until, I think, March 27th. I will make sure to remind everyone, natch. And! Stay tuned for my COMPLETE post after the show airs. Oh there's some stuff to tell. Oh yes.

Seriously, such a fun time. Everyone should be on a game show once, I say.

Have a great night!

Love,

Glennis

Steak, BJ's and Love

Listen, ladies.

Ok...I'm SO not trying to be one of those girls who's like "cool" and "hip" and "down" who's all "I love football and can eat anything I want and all I ever want to do is give head!"

OK?

But just listen...I came across a website for a new holiday, Steak & BJ day, and... it kinda makes a lot of sense to me.

Now listen. Listen! It's the counter-holiday for Valentine's Day, ok? Men are expected to spend exorbitant amounts of cash on dinner, roses, jewelry (not all do. the keepers will.) and in turn we...what, make a mix CD and give them a card? Do you honestly think dudes give two shits about Valentine's Day? If you're a dude and you are reading this and you LOVE V-day please comment ok?

And wait... I'm not talking like you love V-day because you love to do nice things for your lady and show her how much you care... I'm talking YOU GET SOMETHING OUT OF THE CHEEZY FLOWERS AND CANDY ASPECT OF V-DAY. (Don't get me wrong... I love me some flowers and candy. This is just to prove a point. You hear, all you future boyfriends out there?)

And I know you ladies are thinking "but, I don't want to be forced to give my man a BJ on a specific day" and to that I say... seriously? Ok, I get it, not everyone likes going down on their man. I'm tooootally hearin you barkin, dawg. But like Chris Rock says, "It's 2007 and you still don't give head? (I mean, it's a loose quote... give me a break here.)

Jesus ladies please don't hate me. I'm still something of a feminist, I swear. You all want me to die, don't you?

OH WAIT! One last thing... if you're going to celebrate Valentine's Day AND Steak and BJ day then you better bet that man's goin down on you for V-Day. Amiright??

So, for V-day the ladies now get: 1) dinner, 2) flowers, 3) cunnilingus, 4) maybe jewelry and for S&BJ Day the dudes get: 1) Steak, 2) a big old fat BJ.

EVERYONE WINS!!!

I love this idea. I don't care who hates me for it. And besides, I'm just trying to prove a point. What is that point? That I'm slutty. But we already knew that. I mean, even my mother called me a "whole-priced whore" on g-chat the other day. I love you mommy.

Happy Dinner, Flowers, Knecklace and Go Down on Me Day!

Love,

Glennis

Confession Time

Guys, I have a confession. I'm Anna Nicole's baby-daddy.

(WOW GOOD JOKE GLENNIS. I BET NO ONE HAS THOUGHT OF THAT ONE BEFORE.)

Shut up you stupid Parenthases, jerk! Why are you always putting me down?? I can't say anything without you inserting your snarky little comments set on delivering a low blow (that's what she said). STOP IT! That's doesn't even work! (That's what she said.)

Ok seriously, you wanna play this game? I'm gonna take you down, beyotch. Meet my new friend Box Brackets. ['ello.] Box Brackets is from ENGLAND, BITCH.

(Whatever.)

You can act like you don't care but watch this:

[Parentheses (the singular is parenthesis, with an i) – sometimes called round brackets, curved brackets, oval brackets, or just brackets; or, colloquially, parens, or fingernails – are used to contain parenthetical (or optional, additional) material in a sentence that could be removed without destroying the meaning of the main text. You see? You ah expendable. Nuffing is lost wifout you. Good day. I SAID GOOD DAY.]

Wow. WOW. Ouch. That's gotta hurt, Paretheses. HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW!?! (On your knees.) Stop that. (That's what he said. Last night. When you were trying to get in his pa...)

I SAID STOP!

There will be no more unauthorized Paretheses usage on this blog.

[What abowt me, chap?]

You can do what you want, Box Brackets. Especially if it's directed at that sour little twat, P. I know you got my back.

[Right you ah, Miss. Why, I'd rightly give moi life fo you!]

{EXCUUUUUUUSE ME!? You'd rightly give your what for her?!}

[Dahling! Oh it's... 'ello there. My love. My peach. Sparkle in my heart. I was just...]

{I know know what you were "just" doing! You were trying to hit on this little prastitoot [sic], Glennis! CUT THAT OUT! Don't you sic my words to protect her from looking like she can't spell!}

Wow, guys... calm down here. I'm seriously flattered but not at ALL interested. He's all yours, Curly Brackets. Um... Mrs. Curly Brackets. Ma'am.

{You better not be interested! Cuz he's MINE!!}

Like I said! Seriously, I'm just gonna leave you two alone to talk. Come on, Parenthases, let's give them some space. (GET IT, SPACE. LIKE A SPACE BAR. CUZ YOU'RE TYPING.) Oh my god you are obnoxious. COME ON. (My face.) STOP IT YOU ASS FACE SON OF A BITCH MOTHER OF GOD STOP IT!!

[Wow.]

{Yeah... wow.}

[Parentheses is just a kid, Glennis. That was a litt'l uncawlled for.]

{You ought to be ashamed of yourself.}

No! But...I didn't know Parentheses was a kid! You saw how he pushed me over the edge! Come on!

...
...
...


...

(My face)

AHHH! That's it. Enough. You're all fired. Get the off my blog.

THE END (I'm retarded.)

Love,

Glennis (ree-ree tard face)

Game Shows & Music Shows

If there was a game show that I could be a part of it would have to be Match Game. I wouldn't care if I wasn't a Brett Somers or Charles Nelson Reilly. Even if I was a stupid housewife who giggled her way through the show when Gene said, "Guys liked to date Sara because she had the biggest _______." (Boobs, naturally. Or NOT so naturally, am I right?) I'd still be ok with that. I just love that show. Love every last thing about it.

But alas, the brillz that was Match Game has since passed and no celebrity panel I can come up with would come close to the awesomeness they created. Which is why I'll just have to settle for good old Chain Reaction which we tape tomorrow, bitches!

You might wonder if my team mates and I (consisting of the illustrious vixens Liz Black and Kate Tellers) are at all nervous about being (humiliated) on live TV and my answer is this: NO. The one thing that has peppered our conversations up to this point is WHAT DO WE WEAR?! God forbid we get on tv looking a big old mess!

Tonight we meet up to practice the game and I feel the "practice" may turn into a "fashion show." Which, truth be told, is fine with me. If nothing else it will lead to the realization that I should spend my tens of dollars won in the game show at H&M on a new top.

Moving on...

This weekend I attended the Lily Allen concert and was pleased as punch with her performance. Having seen her the week before at the SNL sound check and hearing that her earlier performance at the Hiro Ballroom in October (and even the one on SNL) were a straight up snooze fest (not so much the music but her personality) I was nervous to see how she'd do live on stage for a full show. I was super delighted, yes indeed. She smoked, she did shots of Jagermeister, she belched up the remnants of a Sheppard's Pie she'd eaten earlier (and had ordered, she said, from Tea & Sympathy... how very British of her). She looked adorable and wore a machine gun medallion around her neck and...yes, I think I might be just a bit obsessed. She did two covers as well as her full album. She did an acoustic version of Keane's "Everybody's Changing" as well as The Specials' "Blank Expression" (which you can download here.)

Fun show, fun rest of the night. Found a new way to get a guy to leave me alone while out at the bars which was totes approps since I had only hours earlier listened to Lily's song "Knock 'Em Out" where she tells a guy she's preggers to get him to leave her alone. I told this guy that I was Mormon. Brillz right? I said, "I can't have sex till marriage." I also played beer pong for the first time in... like 10 years? I lost. But we put up a good fight. Which means I didn't try to block the cups while they threw the ball. Only fair I think.

And that concludes yet another fun/boozey weekend in the life of Glennis. Oh also, Webster Hall you suck for having $10 drinks. Suck it, yo.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

How Can You Tell When You've Given Up?

When under "Special Skills" on an audition form you write:

Improv, Magic Tricks, Farting

In that order.

Love,

Glennis

My Replacement Boyfriends

With Valentine's Day (or ValenTIME's Day, as my boss says) drawing near, and hearts, kisses and lingerie being forced down my throat at every turn, I decided it's high time I let you guys in on a little secret. Something that keeps me sane and gets me through those rough patches.

My Replacement Boyfriends

Finding a replacement boyfriend is really quite simple. First think of something a boyfriend would provide and then find a replacement. See? Easy. Here, I'll help you out.

Kissing
My replacement for kissing is eating a slice of pizza. My tongue caresses each oily pepperoni as if it were trying to get the whole stick into bed. My lips become tender and sore after hours of wiping tomato sauce from them. I lick my lips and wrap my mouth around each savory bite and the fact that a man is not standing in front of me with his tongue down my throat, well it all just melts away like fresh mozzarella cheese.

Hugging
A good replacement for hugging, I've found, is a packed subway car. Snuggle your way into the car, making sure no valuables are easily accessible (including your heart, ladies!) and savor each bump and grind. You can make this a sexual thing too but that might land you in jail and really all you want is a little human contact, right? And sometimes if that doesn't work you can put on clothes that are way too tight. It has almost the same effect!

Sweet Phone Calls/Messages
The obvious replacement here would be to call a sex hot line, right? Neigh, I say! Don't waste your money when what you should really do is buy a voice scrambler (like the ones the bad guys use in movies), call yourself, and leave sweet messages. True, it might sound like a stalker or someone who wants to kill you but let's face it ladies, attention is attention!

That "I Love You" Feeling
Nothing replaces the feeling of someone saying, "I love you" like listening to Justin Timberlake's CD. Any one. It doesn't even matter. You can hear it in his songs even if he's singing about an ex's scorn. And some day soon you two will be together. And by "you two" I mean me and Justin. I love you, JT. Call me. (Guys this works for you too. Don't tell me it doesn't.)

Laughing Until You Cry
There's nothing like having a boyfriend who you can spend hours upon hours joking around with, making each other laugh so hard you almost cry/vomit. My replacement for that? Sweet, sweet Marijuana coupled with: 30 Rock, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, the first Tenacious D album, David Cross or South Park. Trust me. You will laugh until various shades of green shoot out your nose. And you'll be alone so there's no embarrassment to follow!

Romantic Dinners Out
I'm broke so this is especially tricky for me but here are a few things I've tried. Call up a friend and see if they want to meet you for dinner at a nice place. Le Cirque or Sparks Steak House are always good choices. Order everything on the menu (between gazing into your friend's eyes to get the "romance" part out of the way) then, when the check comes, do the fake "oh no... where is my wallet!?" routine and ask them if they can "get this one" and you'll get them next time. CHA-CHING!!

and last but not least...

Sex
Really there are just so many obvious choices do I need to go over them?

I also like to buy men's clothing and sprinkle them across my floor so I can pick them up in disgust while shouting out things like, "I'm not your mother!" And often times I'll leave the toilet seat up just so I can be surprised in the morning with a wet hiney. Oh you replacement boyfriend, you!!

I hope you ladies and gentlemen out there are happy in your love lives, with or without a mate. And if you're not then I hope my tips helped a little bit.

And remember... if nothing else; I love you.

Did you just poop a little bit in your pants from me saying that? Sawry :)

Have a great day!

Love (and I mean it),

Glennis

Shatter-day Night Liver

I'm gonna do this like one of those books that tells you the last thing first and then works my way up to it. Because the last thing that happened Saturday night is the best thing that happened all weekend. I'm gonna write this like I'm a real writer. Like Steven King or something (hahahaha. sorry that was funny).

Ahem.

I leaned over to him, sniffed and made an "ew" face. I brushed my hand in front of my nose and said, "Gross! Your breath smells like Penis!"

...

My Saturday began as any other day but by 5pm I found myself, along with some very lucky friends of mine, sitting on the floor at SNL watching Lily Allen do her sound check. I mean, the girl is adorable. Like a tiny British pixie putting on a 2-song concert for me and my pals. She sang "LDN" and "Smile" and refused to look at us because, well, it was fully-lit in the studio and we were like 20 feet away singing along with her. I think even Madonna would have been unnerved by that.

We hung out a little bit longer in the dressing room of my pal. Maya stopped by to talk about her baby, some of the SNL boys stopped in and made cute jokes, as comedians will do. We walked right past Drew Barrymore on our way out of the studio. I missed her, though I'd seen her before, but agreed with my friends that she is "so tiny and adorable!" (I watched the show on my DVR and I think Drew did a GREAT job. Especially on the job interview scene. So funny.)

Upon leaving the studio, my pals and I headed down to The PIT Theatre on 29th street because, you see, we had a show to do! Carrie and I hosted our 2nd "When Did We Become (such) Whores?" show and had another sold-out crowd. I also received a compliment on my "gams" because I was wearing boxers, a tuxedo shirt and high heels. Why, thank you Miss SJ. Thank you very much.

From there I took my entourage over to Mo Pitkin's where Eliza and I had an I Eat Pandas show. We had received a star and a "what to do on Saturday night" write up in Time Out NY so I knew this was going to be a big crowd. Thank god we have patient fans because we started 15 minutes late and our clock wasn't working. I passed out some free IEP buttons to the masses so we wouldn't be booed before even hitting the stage and that seemed to appease everyone. Well, almost everyone except the idiot sitting at the table next to my friends who just stared blankly at me when I offered it to her and then, friends reported later, said "what? I don't get it" and proceeded to talk through our entire show. You, miss, are a douchebag.) We got the show rolling and I have to say it might have been one of our funnest shows yet. We're now doing a once-a-month run at Mo's so you'll have plenty of opportunities to catch the act. Hoooray!

So at this point it's 11pm and I'm pretty near exhausted. But as a part of the deal of doing a show at Mo's you get 6 free beers and I had to drink my share, of course, and that woke me up, of course. And since I'd gotten my 2nd wind I thought why not head to Grassroots on St. Marks for my pal John Foss' birthday? We ended up staying there longer than I expect and I forgot all about my "I'm not going to spend $ on anything I don't need" plan and ended up DRUNK.

(LATE ADDITION: I totally forgot to mention that I met two ladies that night who saw my Pandas show and came to Grassroots. Lovely gals. Real nice dames. Neither of them had ever had an orgasm. EVER! They were pretty near 50 and they'd never felt the rainbow surprise (that's my pet name for "O")! One gal was even married and had been for 12 years! I told those ladies to go out right then and get vibrators and they blushed and said, "oh no! nooooo no no we couldn't!" And it's not like they were shy, they were talkin up a storm about sex. I told them I made sure to have at least one orgasm every day. It's what keeps me so young and alive! And then I told them I was 42. Seriously, come on. HAVE AN ORGASM. And if you are reading this and don't, yourself, have orgasms... I don't want to hear shit about "the guy" not doing it for you. It's up to you, ladies! If he ain't doin' it then you need to do it for yourself. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE HANDS, RIGHT?? Get your paws off his butt and start helpin' yourself to a big old plate of "O". Here, watch some Sue Johanson, she'll explain it to you. Also, she calls Anal Sex "Bum Sex." I find that adorable and a little creepy. OK, that's all. Please continue the rest of the post.)

At 3:30am I found myself in a pizza place scarfing down a slice like it was my job. Ok, it was two slices. I can't lie to you guys! Carrie has been texting her roommate, Claire, and tells us that she can get us into Plumm (a fancy schmancy club in Chelsea) for free and we can drink for free. Did I need more drinks in me? No. Did it matter? Apparently not because off we went at 3:45am! Marcy and Emlyn bid us a fond farewell (because they're SMART) and Carrie, Marla and I hopped in a cab for Plumm.

We're at Plumm. We're drinking, we're dancing, we're laughing and suddenly a man comes over to Carrie and starts dancing with her and gettin all up in her grill. We're laughing because he's very clearly busted (drunk) and he's saying to her, "I am so hard. I want to fuck you." I mean, come on. LAME. Carrie and I are busting up laughing at him and I'm not sure if that prompted it or if I did something else but the dude leaned in to me and said, "you are just jealous. you're a cock block."

Which brings us to the hand wave, the "ew" face and me saying to this very intoxicated man (at 4:30 in the morning) "Gross! Your breath smells like penis!"

Now... to clarify. It's not that I think it's gross that a mans breath smells like dick. And I don't particularly mind the smell of penis either. (I think I had one of those little penis-scented trees hanging in my car in high school.) It just seemed the most hilarious thing I could say at that point to a dude who was so overtly exuding his "masculinity."

He kept calling me a "cock block" to which I said, "I'm not blocking you from cock. Be my guest!"

And then... I PUSHED HIM. HARD.

He stumbled away (thank god!) but can I just say that none of this was a good idea? Can I just lay that out there right now? I mean, I get WAY too ballsy when it comes to booze and douchey guys. But really, I don't even need booze. I once stormed across a crowded room and told a guy to "shut his fucking face" when he was heckling my friend Birch while he was on stage. So, really, I'm just kind of retarded.

So to summarize: I don't condone this behavior. Just live vicariously through me, won't you?

And that, my friends, was my Saturday. My Shatter-day Night Liver. (Ouch, my liver is swimming in booze.)

Have a great one you lushey whores!

Love,

Glennis

Another Audition from Hell

I just returned from an audition for a sweet, sweet candy at which I had to, on camera, wear super-tight jeans, roll up my shirt and expose the one thing I've spent my LIFE trying to hide:

MY MUFFIN TOP

For those of you not in the know (i.e. skinny girls and dudes), a Muffin Top is when you wear jeans that are too tight (my every-day wear) and your sweet little belly hangs over the sides. And it looks just like a yummy, yummy muffin!


ARMWARMWARMMWA! (That was me doing kissy baby noises to my belly cuz it's so cute and muffin-like.)

But here's the thing. Muffing tops ain't cute, y'all. They're just not and no one should have one. LET ALONE ON CAMERA, IN AN AUDITION.

And oh god, this audition. I mean the whole experience was fucking TERRIBLE.

The waiting room was, of course, filled with some of the hottest guys EVER. They would, again of course, be playing my boyfriend. Two guys sat next to me (as I sit there spiiiilling out of my jeans) saying "Yo. I like girls with muffin tops. I like a little extra meat. Makes them, you know, real."


I like my girls "Michelin Man" style.

I heard that and said, "BULL SHIT" out loud. Kinda slipped out (like the fat over my jeans) but I'm glad I said it. And the guy says, "No seriously. I really mean it."

Oh come ON.

I told him I'd like to see pictures of all the girls he's ever dated. I guarantee it'd look like the Olson Twins wing of the Wonderland rehab center.

But there were the other girls there. You'd think that would have made me feel better, having other ladies around, squeezed into their jeans, muffin tops unite! But no. Here are a few things I heard in the 10 minutes I waited to go into the room:

"Oh my god, I didn't even know what a muffin top WAS!!"
"My agent called and was like "can you get some really tight jeans?" and I was like, it's gonna be really hard to find some that give me a muffin top. Maybe I can find some in the kids section!"
"Do you want me to tighten this belt more?"
"I just can't give myself a muffin top!!"
"Maybe I should stuff some donuts in my mouth real quick! HAHAHA!"

You want ME to stuff some in there for you??! CUZ I'D BE HAPPY TO.

And in the spot the guy says, "It's that thing from Seinfeld. You know, everyone loves the muffin top cuz it's the best part. So everyone must think you're the best!"

How much do you want to bet me a fucking man wrote that spot.

And now I'm going to talk about how I need to lose weight and you're going to want to kick me because every time I talk about being fat on here I get emails saying "Glennis! Stop talking like that! You're loco!" (Thanks, guys.)

But here's the thing. I am (kinda) skinny for the normal world. But in "Actor World" I am fat. Not plus-size fat. But fat, all the same. So when you think I'm "too skinny" that's when I'll be juuuuust right.

ANOREXIA, HERE I COME!

No, I'm kidding. Trust me I love food WAY too much to ever be a fucking retard like that. Yes, Anorexics are retards. Wah Wah Wah, it's a disease. So is cancer. EAT SOMETHING. (I'm terrible. But I'm also in a pissy mood. Deal.)

(Also, I know for a fact that a certain lady comedian that every girl I know wants to either DO or BE, went on the Atkins Diet so she could look better on camera.)

So yeah. That audition was not my favorite part of today. Neither was walking past bodegas and not being able to go in and buy a soda I'll only drink half of. I don't NEED a soda. Right?

I can tell I'm going to be a raging bitch this month. Which, for me, means just kinda grumpy.

Wish me luck on this commercial because although I'll have to expose my bulging belly to the world (hello, not what I want people to see months before my high school reunion) I'll probably make like a billion dollars from it. SO... trade off.

Have a great day. I'll be living at the gym from now on if anyone's looking for me.

Love,

Glennis "Muffin Top" McMurray

A Month Of Blank

Hey guys.

So...I've thought about it. Long and hard. (That's what she said.) What will my "Month Of..." be? I've had suggestions from many people which included:

- Month of Walking to Work
- Month of Flannel (it is my color)
- Month of Silence (not possible)
- Month of No Email (yeah that would drive me insane.)
- Month of New Movie Every Day

And while these all sound fun, awesome, amazing and... maybe a little weird, I think I know what I'm going to do.

OH GOD. This is going to be hard, y'all.

A MONTH OF NOT BUYING WHAT I DON'T NEED.

Jesus my stomach gets upset just thinking about this. Because, you see, I love buying things!

This will be difficult in the following capacities:

1. COFFEE
I mean sometimes the only thing that gets me up in the morning is knowing I can go to Starbucks/DunkinD/Mud to get a $4/$3/$2 cup of Joe. It's not even the coffee so much as the act of buying it. I fucking LOVE buying coffee. I love walking into the store (up to the Mud truck) and smelling the sweet, sweet beans calling out to my taste buds. I love ordering my special drink that only I get and they're gonna make especially for me. I love the warmth from the cup and adding my milk/splenda until it's juuust right. I love walking around/riding the subway with my cup. Slowly sipping it. People staring with envy as they sit cupless and coffeeless. I love it all. THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY HARD. This will mean making instant at home (I love instant coffee) and bringing it out with me in a mug (my sis got me a great one for my bday last year that I have yet to use) or drinking the coffee/tea at work. It's not so bad. It's really not. (Keep telling yourself that, kid.)

2. DUANE READ
Jesus CHRIST there's nothing I love more than buying products I don't need at the D to the R. I even wrote a post on how Mr. Read is my boyfriend. I love Duane. I love spending ridiculous amounts of money on new lip gloss, eye shadow, mascara, lotions, potions, KY for when you do the motions. (rrreow) I LOVE IT. I love buying 3 different packs of gum just because I want to try this new flavor. I love it all and it's going to be VERY hard to stop. This means fewer trips to DR, obvsies. And when I go in to buy the necessities (toilet paper, soap, magazines... shit... magazines are not a necessity!!? FUCK) GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.

3. EATING OUT
Possibly the hardest one of all. Guys...I EAT OUT EVERY FREAKING MEAL. It might just be a $3 breakfast treat but dammit I seriously eat out every single meal. This is retarded! Right guys? This is RETARDED. I am wasting my $$ and it's going to FUCKING FOOD THAT I POOP OUT. I HAVE NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT! (Except 15 lbs. Seriously. How did I gain 15 lbs?!) Ok this will mean planning. Lots of planning on my part. I will give myself a little leeway just in case I forgot a lunch or something so that I can go to Duane Read (yeeesh! Sabotage!) and buy a Lean Cuisine or something. That's the only time I can go out to buy something. I have to shop for food & make my meals at home. I am a terrible cook so this will be a month of chicken and... pasta? GOOD GOD. WHY AM I DOING THIS.

There's a few exceptions I can think of right now for this month and one is a Bliss Facial. Sounds ridic, I know, but I have a Gift Certificate and Liz and I booked a day at the Spa in Feb and I'll need to tip the lady, obvs. $20 goes to that. I'd obviously make an exception if it was someone's birthday and I was going to get them a gift (or perhaps I should just make something?) or if I'm in dire need of a cab (which would only be if I were EXTREMELY late for a show or if it was late and I had been out drinking)...

And that leads me to another point that might be hard:

4. DRINKING
Not that I'm some lush (I have a mug of vodka in my hand right now) but I do go out A LOT. I have a ton of friends and a lot of them like to party like rock stars. So no drinking in February is going to be hard. There will be two exceptions to this rule: 1) Super Bowl Sunday (Which I might actually skip because I'm lame and have been tired lately) and 2) a ladies brunch my friends and I planned a while ago. Other than that, no drinky McMurray.

Why am I doing this?

Because I'm in a little bit of debt. Because I spend money like I have an endless supply. (And trust me, I DO NOT.) Because I'm living beyond my means and I spend $ on stuff I don't need. And because I'd like to see if I can do it. I think I'll appreciate buying things willy-nilly a little more after this month is up.

Oh, and if you'll notice I'm doing this in February... the shortest month of the year.

I'm also not going to use my credit card. Right now I have about, oh, $14 in my bank account. Let's see where I'm at on Feb 28th.

Talking about this inspired a friend to stop masturbating for a month. And I think that's kind of awesome cuz it's gonna be hard. No wait, it's NOT gonna be hard. Heyoooo!

Has anyone else been inspired to do something for February?

Since I'm not religious this is sort of like my lent, I guess.

I'm buying myself an awesome dinner tonight (and watching Blazing Saddles at home) to bid farewell to my extravagant ways.

Have a great day!

Love,

Glennis

Saggy Butt

There are few things running through my mind right now. First of which is the dream I had last night (over and over, as usual) in which I was in History class and our teacher popped a quiz on us. The quiz had something like 10 questions and in my dream, while filling them out, I remember thinking "I've got this. I'm doing so well." Then the teacher collects them and says that we're going to go up to the front of the room and write down what we got on our test. One at a time. I knew I'd gotten an "F" at that point. I sat in my desk dreading my name being called and when it finally was I moped up to the front of the room and wrote a huge "F" on the board. Then I tried to make a joke out of it. "An F! Haha! Who cares!" and turned around to faces of people judging me in sad disappointment. "How could you get an F, Glennis? You poor, pathetic thing."

Judgment, judgment, judgment. Something that's plagued me my entire life. I think I eventually started seeking judgment out (hanging out/dating people prone to it) like an abuse victim seeks out men who treat them like shit. Break the cycle! Or just stop caring as much. Obviously the latter is harder to do.

Another thing on my mind is how great Dance Dance Party Party was this past Sunday. Marcy and I walked into the room to find just 3 people and thought it would be another small group. At 4:02 about 10 ladies came prancing through the door to the delight and squeals of, well, me. 4 of the girls were here from Germany and one was doing a video blog on her trip here. She offered to take video of us dancing to post on the blog and for me to post on our website. Here's the video I like to call, "Glennis dances around in her saggy-buns workout pants."

ENJOY



And the last thing on my mind is inspired by something I read in Time Out NY a few months ago. Maybe it wasn't even a few months... maybe it was weeks. Either way there was an article about people doing something for an entire month that they wouldn't normally do. So I've decided to do this in February. I'm not quite sure yet what the guidelines for my "month of something" is yet, but I'll let you know. I'm pretty sure it will be a month of kindness. Kindness to myself meaning less eating out, more working out and reduced going out. WE'LL SEE.

Um and can someone please ask the guy in my office to stop walking past my cubicle and mumbling "one more week, Glennis" (pertaining to the return of Lost) and "are you famous yet?" (pertaining to my career which is lost).

Thanks.

Have a great day!!

Love,

Glennis

Dazed and Confused

The other day I got an email from an old pal of mine who I haven't seen in about a year. We knew each other from the improv scene and I knew, upon receiving the email, that if we hung out, the night would be one full of debauch- and -ery. She said she was coming to my show on Friday night and hoped we could get a drink after. But this story is not so much about that night as the following day. Our night was fine. Just not really blog-worthy. It was filled with drinks and more drinks. Oh and also some more drinks. So many drinks in fact that by 2am I was busted and decided to leave.

(Side note... I realize this post will cause some concern to arise in my readers - you'll see why - and I just want you to know that I'm fine. I also realize that by saying, "I'm fine" it sounds like a lie because if I was really fine I wouldn't have to say so, right? It's like a gay dude talking about how much he loves boning chicks. "I love vagina so much! VAGINA!! GET ME SOME VAGINA RIGHT NOW!! I WANT TO TO TOUCH IT WITH MY FINGERS!!" But seriously, I'm fine. Also, if you're planning an intervention can you make sure vodka is readily available as I'm not able to get through the day without it anymore. KIDDING.......?)

AnyWAYNEBRADY...

So I'm drunk. We're out. I tell my pal I'm going home and she says, "hey, I have half a joint...you want it?" Do I want it? I grab it from her hand like a fat kid grabs cake and giddily kiss her on the cheek. I like free stuff, guys. And pot.

I'm not really a stoner. I swear. (God. WE GET IT, GLENNIS) But lately I've had an urge to get high so I felt like this was kismet. Also, half a joint will last me like two weeks.

I don't smoke it that night because, you know, I'm drunk. But I do go home and pass out. I have a bizarre, sleepless night where I dream about someone texting me from Colorado and me not being able to figure out who they are. It was so real that when I looked at my phone upon waking up to find no trace of those texts I thought for sure I had used another phone and started searching my room for that phone. RETARDED.

Saturday was a sort of stressful morning that involved my ex and a car and some heavy talking (all while being extremely hung over) and after that, all I could think of was that sweet, sweet free pot sitting on my dresser.

I check my planner to make sure I had nothing to do that day and since it was all clear I lit that baby up. Wow. I decide it'd be fun to take a shower (SHOWERING HIGH IS SO AWESOME) then, in my robe, I settle in on my couch for some music and g-chat with unsuspecting friends.

Friend: Do you really think Obama has a chance at winning the election?
Me: My hands are tingly.

I mean it's kind of just one of those days. I was going to see a movie later that night and then meeting friends for a show. I was set.

And then I look at my phone. It's 2:07 pm and I have a message. I listen to that message and here's what it says:

"Glennis. It's Erin. Let me in! It's cold out here!"

I sit for a second with a confused look on my face. Ok, it was more like 3 minutes. Just sitting there staring at my wall trying to figure out who Erin was, why she wanted to be let in, and to where. Erin? Erin Rose Foley? Ok so I've got the who...

SHIT!

SHIT SHIT SHIT!!

OH SHIT!

A MEETING!

I HAVE A MEETING!

RIGHT NOW!

OH MY GOD!

I'M SO HIGH!!!

AND NAKED!

SHIT!!!

Yes. That's right. I, the responsible and driven Glennis McMurray, got high before a meeting with my pals about a show we're working on. I am RETARDED.

I rush around my room laughing, tripping, "oh shitting" my way into a pair of pants and a shirt that I'm pretty sure was on inside out and smelled of booze and cats. AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE CATS, YOU GUYS.

I run downstairs to find poor Erin freezing her balls off at my door. I open the door, no makeup, wet hair, bloodshot eyes and say, "Eeeerin. Don't kill me...I'M SO HIGH."

I mean... WHAT? Who am I??

And you know what? We still had the meeting. We watched an episode of "Jem and the Holograms" (Did I forget to mention we're doing a stage version of the show and I'm playing Jem/Jerrica? Yeah. Unless they re-cast due to me being a retarded stoner loser fuckface.) and talked about who should play what rolls and I sat stuffing nachos in my face laughing and drooling. Kinda like that character Leonardo Dicaprio played in Gilbert Grape. Put that image in your head.

I mean I feel completely embarrassed. Even though it was kind of hilarious. Right girls? Right?


I can't believe she got high... ALONE.

Oh nope. They just want me to shut up.

Aw girls, you're wonderful for not hating me.

Also, this picture of Erin made me laugh. Because it's funny? Maybe. Because I was high? Definitely. She's got frog toes!



Ah.. no more getting high in the middle of the day (before a meeting)!

Hope you had a great weekend too, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

Journey Cover Band - GO!

I'm just going to say this once. Go see Evolution on 2/3 at the Canal Room. Evolution is a Journey Cover Band. The lead singer looks and sounds EXACTLY like Steve Perry. It is uncanny. And probably the best time you'll have watching a live show because, come on... it's JOURNEY. And you are encouraged to sing along. And you can get a picture with the band after the show. Like this:



February 3, 9:00pm
The Canal Room
285 W. Bway @ Canal Street
NYC

GO! You won't regret it.

Love,

Glennis

Dinner and a Moody (Waiter)

I went to dinner on Saturday night with Stan at Three of Cups in the East Village. First, the food was awesome but the portions are HUGE. Like retardedly huge. The bread is great, the wine was great but the best part of the meal (aside from the company) was the waiter.

Our waiter very clearly did not want to be working that night. Perhaps he had better places to be. We'll never know, though we should have asked. But really, who wants to be waiting on adorable 20-somethings when you could be out shopping for vintage Dilbert calenders? Seriously, I know he collects them.

So our waiter comes over when we sit down and says, "can I offer you two something to drink... OTHER THAN ICE WATER?"

We, at this point, had no water, iced or otherwise, at our table. Also... ICE WATER? I'm glad they serve their water with ice but, doesn't everyone? Maybe not! Maybe he used to work at a restaurant that served lukewarm water. He wants to be clear that we know we're getting ice in our water. THIS PLACE TRUMPS HIS LAST PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT, BITCHES! Holla!!

So he brings us our ice water (and boy, he wasn't kidding... that shit had ice in it!) and then brings us our bread and says, "here is some fresh bread."

Now I didn't hear this though Stan said I should have known to begin paying attention to what our waiter said from the minute he said "ice water." FRESH BREAD. Thank you, sir, for not serving us yesterday's bread.

Guys? Two for two. The bread was FRESH!

So we're ordering and I get a dish with pasta, snow peas and zucchini (awesome. so good) and Stan says to the waiter, "I'll have this... how do you pronounce that?" and points to what he wants on the menu. Our water says, "Spaghetti and Meatballs."

HA! I almost lost it. Stan looks at me and I'm like "DO NOT LOOK AT ME. I WILL LOSE IT."

On the menu, obvsies, Spaghetti and Meatball had some fancy-shmancy name that we couldn't pronounce. I loved that part the most I think.

Spaghetti and Meatballs you RETARDS.

Oh I loved our waiter.

We kept joking that he was the best part of the night and that we should ask him to come out and drink with us. We'd buy him a "tasty budweiser" or a "crisp heineken" or something equally as delightful.

We left with enough food to feed a couple more people (or me, after a night of heavy drinking) and I took this picture of Stan's food... cuz I'm 12.



Have a great day, you guys.

Love,

Glennis

It's like, you know...Chips.

Yesterday I helped my pal Carolyn with a shoot for her music video "It's Like Chips."

Here's just a little preview of the hoochiness dat I did brought.



Have a great Sunday.

Love,

Glennis

A Myriad of Things, Really

Lots of stuff in this post. Let's start with this:


Blissfully Ignorant

I'm not sure if you guys read this article in Rolling Stone in December's issue (I think it was December) about Smithfield Foods, the Nation's top pork producer but seriously guys, that shit is fucked up. Literally. It's about how toxic, well, pig shit is, basically. I meant to post it here when I originally read it (and trust me, the article is not nearly as disgusting without the aerial view pictures of the pink pools of pig shit. Yes, PINK.) but I kinda forgot about it. Until this morning when I was talking to Liz about going to Spark's Steakhouse tonight for dinner. (Hollaaa! That shit is NICE.) I told her I was going to get Veal and she said it was sad to eat Veal. I told her to read that article because then you'll feel bad about eating pork, too.

I absolutely totally 100% get people when they choose to adhere to the "no faces on my plate" rule but honestly there's no way in hell I could ever do that. I love meat. (That's what she sai... DON'T YOU DARE. The office... right guys?) But seriously. Give me a huge burger dripping with grease sitting next to a picture of a slaughtered cow and I'll have no problem eating it. Am I heartless? Maybe. Heartless and SATISFIED.

I'm not a total jerk though. I totally draw the line at babies. I would never, ever eat a human baby, y'all.

And for the record I think Vegans are fucking weird. Except the one in Brooklyn. Cuz he tells me 'bout good music n stuff.

And now... let's move on to this:

Last night in trivia my team got 2nd place. Which is the highest they've ever gotten and it was all thanks to me... sitting there and looking pretty. Cuz y'all I SUCK AT TRIVIA. Apparently when you think you know a lot of stuff you really don't know shit. Cuz that's how it happened to me. But yo, that shit's fun anyway.

And finally, this:

Because Eliza tagged me, I present to you 5 things you don't know about me.

1. As a little kid I used to lay in bed and pick my nose and wipe the boogers on the wall. What the fuck right? I'm not telling you when I STOPPED.

2. I got thrown up against a fence and almost "arrested" by a security guard (haha, douchebag) at a high school football game when I almost got in a fight with some girls from the other team's school. They called me fat, you guys! I mean, I was. But seriously you don't say that shit to a high school girl and not expect to get knocked the fuck out.

3. In high school my friend and I stole some pictures of hot guys from the photo place where we were going to get our senior pictures taken (they had this basket of "sample pictures" and we took some of the hottest guys. For... our spank bank?) and almost immediately after I got into a car crash. Nothing major but dude I never stole again. No, that's a lie. I totally did. I just didn't drive immediately after.

4. I stood in line for 18 hours for that terrible reality show 5 years ago called "Pop Stars" (some of you might know this about me now that I think about it). I didn't get on the show (thank GOD) but I did get on Fox News as "the next Christina Aguilera." Apparently they were short on talent that year.

5. The first month I lived in NY was probably the happiest I've ever been or ever will be. And I think I'm ok with that.

Those were probably totally lame things but I felt all this pressure to come up with stuff! I'd think of something and go "ug, NOT ON THE BLOG, GLENNIS. Save that shit for therapy" or "I think I told that last night in my drunken stupor" so I guess these will have to do.

Now I have to tag 5 people...

Liz Black (because I lurv readin her writin and because I know she'll pun it up and I love me some puns)

Breanna Jacobson (cuz she makes me giggle on gchat and I don't know enough about her yet)

Carrie Faverty (cuz the bitch knows how to tell a story)

Carolyn Castiglia (cuz we're totes besties now after bonding over Obama)

Stan Park (cuz he's totes the cutest omg omg. And he needs to write more in his blog)

DO IT, Y'ALL. Don't be lamers!

Have a great day, you guys!

Love,

Glennis

Subtle

First, I totes made those Obama t-shirts. You can buy one here.

Second, I went on a voice over audition today for TGIF's and the "specs" for how it was to be read were RIDICULOUS. So I'm going to post them here for you lovelies.

We are looking for voices ages 25 through 40. This is not an announcer read, this person needs to carry the personality of (The Restaurant) throughout the spot. That means contemporary and not cheesy.

The deliver should have a good quick tempo but not frantic. Almost a stream of consciousness in the favor of someone ordering from the menu. If you could start with the pacing of a Dennis Leary Lead, take out the angst and replace it with general coolness, that would be in the neighborhood. Don't Project to much, it's more of an externalization of thoughts, describing situations and food we could all aspire to experience.

Speak like a friend talking in a no-nonsense, honest way. NOT announcery, NOT selly. Be cool without trying to be cool. Do not put on a fake "dude" accent or try to be slick. This person needs to really believe, and believe In, what they're saying but without going over the top with the performance.

(You guys still with me here? Just a little bit more.)

Needs to have substance in voice.

Women: No breathy lifetime channel voices, and no bubbly high pitch

Guys: No sardonic, nasaly, no Don La Fontaine Dramatic guys. No high energy tonight on WB voices

In a world... where people take things too seriously.

I mean seriously. We remember this is for TGIF's right?

Right, this TGIFridays:



So yeah, DON'T MAKE IT CHEESY.

Have a great night, y'all. But not too great. Just in the general neighborhood of great.

Love,

Glennis

Obama Nation

Can we just all agree right now that Barack Obama is the foxiest senator ever? And can we also agree that he'll be our new President in 08? Can we just right now make a pact and do that? I know he's still in the Exploratory Committee phase but the chances of him running are as certain as the fact that I'm going to seriously fuck up my kids someday. VERY, VERY GOOD.

I mean this image is totes going in my spank bank, right ladies?


My homie Carolyn and I decided today that he needs his own fan club. Like OMG how cool, right? Here are some names I've come up with for the club.

"The Obama-ramas"
"Barack-attack!" (His name isn't pronounced correctly here but, like, we so don't care cuz it's a totes cute name.)
"The Barack 'n Rollies"
"Chica-Go Team Obama!"
"OMG OMG He's So Cute!" (cuz he is)
"Hold Me, Obama!" (cuz we want him to)
"The Obama Mamas" (ladies only. ok and gay men)
"The O-sex-Bamas" (sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb)

That's all I've come up with for now. Mainly because I'm at work and people keep distracting me with changing lunch reservations and sending $6,000 checks for our firm's "zoo night." Isn't EVERY NIGHT ZOO NIGHT HERE??

But seriously guys. Get on the Obama bandwagon. He's totes gonna be our new President. Oh and aren't the t-shirts we made just dreamy?


(I have to give credit to Carolyn for the "Barack the Vote" pun. Although, let's face it... I would have gotten there in a few days.)

Have a great day, y'all!

OBAMA IN 08!

Love,

Glennis

Lesson Learned

It's not so much the fact that people aren't reliable as the fact that I never, ever EVER become skeptical of people or the things they say and I always, always ALWAYS get super excited when someone says they're going to do something (send me a new phone) that might be kind of important (be my new roommate).

Like a stupid, stupid puppy who keeps running into the glass because she can't remember that it makes her wiw head huwt.


Slow it down there, retard.

On a brighter note...

Nope I've got nothing.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Glennis